Thursday, March 28, 2019
Someone Has To Write Titles And Entries. It Should Be Me.
That's my hypothesis. Anyway. I
had a dream last night I was hanging out with Bernie Sanders. I've
actually had several dreams involving Bernie Sanders over the last month or two,
but this is the first time I was in the dream and spending time with him
and got a sense of his fake-dream-personality. But, anyway, I didn't
really click with him. He seemed like a good guy-- he was kind, generous,
and positive-- but I just didn't get it. And the closing thought of
the dream was I think I'll support Elizabeth Warren as my number one pick
now. Then I woke up thinking wait, does that mean I support
Elizabeth Warren over Bernie Sanders now? Or was that just an idle
dreamthought. And I concluded it shouldn't change my mind in real life
because dreams aren't reality as far as I know.
Baseball season starts today! To redeem
my bonus on Poker, I have to bet a little bit on sports. Put six dollars
on The Mets to score over 3 runs in their first game today. This is
easy. Of course they're gonna score over 3 runs because that's my
prediction. Easiest six dollars I've ever will make.
Anyway. So far I have about a 50% success rate of going to exercise room
and doing elliptical + treadmill as opposed to just taking a walk. Either
way, having the option makes me feel great no matter what choice I make. I
go to the exercise room, I feel great afterwards, I actually did some real
exercising and made a better use of today than I would have without it.
And, if I just take a walk, I feel great, today was easy, no rigorous exercise,
whatta breeze of a day!
The point is third entry within seven days. May be a
mini-entry, we'll see. What else. I was taking a shower last night
and it occurred to me that never in my life have I used the bar of soap on the
top of my head. Is that something we're supposed to do? Assuming we
have head hair. Do we still soap up the top of our dome over the hair?
Never even thought to do it, but now I realize that my head has accumulated a
lot of bacteria over 30 years! Shampoo cleans the hair, sure, but does it
clean the head beneath the hair? I don't know! And there's no way to
find out! It's a mystery! Well, better late than never.
Anyway. Here's another thoughtjoke I had that I feel if
I had a twitter following and tweeted it, it would get half a K re-tweets--
If your fetishes don't change over time, you're not growing as a person.
It's funny because it makes you think and is probably amusing to the point of
coming close to recognizing it as humor. Poker going okay. Been up
and down a bit, but have been ending up each day at roughly the same place.
Three runs in one game? The Mets can do that in their sleep!
They have Robinson Cano. I can imagine him hitting a three run homer all
by himself! Man sports betting is easy. What else. In
exchange for not exercising in the morning, I plan on making it up a little by
doing more sets of sit-up/push-ups. Glad I cleared that up.
Wonderful. I feel like Dream Bernie Sanders is
probably a lot like Real Bernie Sanders and every other politician I support--
they'd seem like nice, positive people, but I don't wanna be friends with
them. That's my hypothesis. What paragraph are we into.
Fifth. How about that. One thing that I consciously worry about,
with taking significantly fewer walks, and thus getting Dunkin Donuts/Starbucks
as often, is the people who work there being concerned and alarmed that they
don't see me often at all. If I settle into a schedule of, lets say,
walking twice a week, and splitting that between Dunkin Donuts and Starbucks,
that means I'm only getting each one once a week. The people I've gotten
to know who work there will be like, where is Mike? Well, at
Starbucks at least. They actually took the time to learn my name whereas
Dunkin Donuts hasn't and is dead to me.
Not so much them being concerned-- it's more them thinking
why doesn't Mike like us any more? Have we done something wrong?
I can't stand letting people down like that. I went to Dunkin Donuts on my
evening walk a few days ago at around 7:30 PM and they literally had 15 donuts
left overall. I get that they sell various donuts throughout the day, but
I'd never seen anything like that. I feel like Dunkin Donuts on
Springfield BLVD has started phoning it in and just can't be bothered to make
enough donuts anymore? When's the Time To Make The Donuts? NOW
PLEASE. Well, lets say half an hour ago. They better be ready by
now! How dare them. I'm pretty sure according to sports betting
rules, if the Mets score three runs, I just get my money back. I guess
I'll find out.
Jeez. My favorite part about getting donuts is looking
forward to eating a donut and then getting ready to eat it only to be
disappointed its smaller than I anticipated, based on how they display them in
the store. This has happened at least a dozen times. I see them
every time I get coffee, hmm that donut looks pretty big. I get
it-- hey this is smaller than I thought! Then I repeat the process
three weeks later. It's fun! What else is going on. Went to
the bakery today and got myself four different cookies. Black & White and
Chocolate Dot will each be its own breakfast. Chocolate Chip and Rainbow
Sprinkles will each be its own after dinner snack. I plan ahead!
At least when it comes to desserts. I'm very determined
and responsible and disciplined when it comes to desserts. Anyway.
One day when I get a cold brew iced coffee from Starbucks, and I'm watching them
make it, I wanna go don't be stingy with the water! Fill 'er up with
water as much as possible! And just see how they react. Eighth
paragraph. I liked finding out the Trump's polls didn't change at all
after Barr's summary of Mueller report. Kinda flips the conventional
wisdom on its head. Instead of thinking, this guy can do anything and
it won't make a dent in his support! we should be thinking this guy can
do anything and it won't make a dent in his opposition! Considering
his opposition is 3:2 larger than his support. That kinda makes more
sense, don't ya think?
That's my hot take. Mets game in an hour. I
wonder how many three run homeruns Robinson Cano will hit. Two or maybe
even three? That'll really drive the point home that I'm good at sports
betting. When a bat boy grows up, does he become a Batman?
Kinda feel like I've said that before, probably around four or five years ago.
Feels like the kind of thing I would say on Crazysheet circa 2014. I was
thinking, going into this entry, I'd be satisfied with ten paragraphs.
Well, we're almost done with the ninth, and its taken me about 30 or 40 minutes.
At this point, 15 or 20 is well within reach. I've noticed poker is a lot
easier in the morning and early afternoon compared to late afternoon and
evening. I guess the kind of players who play early in the day, Eastern
Standard Time, are just worse than players at other times of the day. I
feel like it would be valuable to use this information to only play early in the
day. We'll see how that goes. It'll probably just lead to me
playing later in the day, going, alright, gotta be careful this poker
session, really make sure I try to outplay the players. And then
losing all my money. Sounds like a good way to do things to me.
Anyway. I wanted to bet on The Mets to win the game in
general, but they were all like, ok, if you bet four dollars, you stand to
win $1.90. And I was all like, that doesn't sound right! Sure
I think the Mets are favored to win, but $1.90? That doesn't make sense,
you better work on your odds if you want anyone to be placing bets with you.
I'm probably gonna eat a hot pocket for lunch today because that's the kind
of guy I am this lunch. Sometimes I fantasize about having a job and what
that would mean for my diet. What kind of lunches and snacks and dinners
and breakfasts I'd be eating if I had a good ol' 9 to 5. It's really
interesting to hypothesize, but ultimately pointless not knowing the specifics
of the schedule. You know, like Mueller report speculation.
I sure hope the 700 page Mueller report is just 700 pages of
records of what the Mueller team ate for lunch and potentially dinner if they
were working late. I'd love to get my hands on those facts.
I'm not kidding. I'm interested in seeing what other people have for
lunch. And Mueller's team specifically? I'd find that fascinating.
Jeez. Got a new low calorie coffee creamer from supermarket and its pretty
great. Is that a humble brag? Or just a regular brag.
Not sure what would make it humble, now that I think about it. I'm
basically saying how great I am at picking products from supermarket, there's no
modesty or humility in it at all.
What paragraph are we into. 12th. Hey how about
that. Most likely the last entry of the month. Cool! Haven't
shaved in a few weeks. My plan is to shave after every comedy class, so
each comedy class, I have a weekful of stubble. I figure that's the kind
of look I'm going for this spring-into-summer. I'd like to imagine they
named stubble because you can stub your fingers on it while stroking your chin.
Hey ow that hurt! Something like that. Helping my brother move
this weekend. I feel like that's an adult thing to do. I like to
have my life revolve around the odd adult things I do here and there.
Helps me keep going and whatnot.
Cool. I'm reservedly pumped about the Mets this year.
I think they can go the distance-- by which I mean I think they can participate
in each of the 162 games they have scheduled. No we can't get 25 people
on the field this game, we forfeit! Forget, "Meaningful games in
September," the Mets mantra of the last decade. I'm happy to settle for, "Games
in September." I figure that's a victory in and of itself. Hey, I
wouldn't be able to get 25 people together to play a baseball game.
They've already won in my book. Looks like they're doing the Star Spangled
Banner right now. I find it funny that probably about 50% of the people,
from the south at least, who are like stand for the national anthem, respect
the flag! are the same people who have confederate flag stickers on their
car or truck. The irony is palpable!
That's a coming-close-to-the-brink-of-laughing-em-up.
Hey, what's wrong with liking both flags. I'm a flag aficionado. I
think every flag ever associated with white people like me should be saluted.
These are the people who get season tickets to Six Flags and are then
disappointed to find out its an amusement park. I thought it was gonna
be a monument to flags! What the hell are these thrill rides doing here?!
Probably will eat lunch when this entry is over, but there's a chance I'll take
a break close to the end to eat lunch. These are the important issues.
Anyway, what paragraph we into. 14! I can't believe it. Well,
I can. The evidence is staggering.
Cool! Next three books I read are gonna be the Beastie
Boys book, the Guided By Voices book, and the Norm MacDonald book.
Hmm, Norm Macdonald. Some sort of pun with normalizing McDonalds:
The Restaurant. There we go, brilliant. If I'm having a hot
pocket for lunch, I can't just decide when to eat when I'm done with the entry.
I have to put it in the oven beforehand. Unless I eat it from the
microwave, like an animal. You idiots it's better from the oven.
Don't be a chump and microwave it like... well, like a chump, like I said.
So, it's 1:01 now, I'll put it in around 1:15 for about 45 minutes. I like
my hot pockets well done!
Cool. OH NO the games about to start and I still have
closed captioning on and its gonna block some of the action! I need to
change the settings quick! Alright, calm down. I'm of no use to
anyone panicking. There's a right way to do this, and its not getting
hysterical. Ok, Mike, you got this. Slow and steady. Click the
button, click another button, and its off. You'll get there. Ok.
Now! Alright there we go. Hey what else is going on. I
feel like 20 paragraphs today would be correct. Only four more after this
one. Great, just great. Well, Cano just hit a solo homerun as the
third batter of the day. I was close! Wasn't three run, but what
the Hell, it's halfway there.
Maybe I'm a sports betting genius. So far, the
evidence is staggering. Will put hot pocket in oven after this paragraph.
That's my deal and whatnot. The Mets being on is distracting me.
I stopped thinking completely for a good 15 minutes. Just put it on
mute while I finish this crap up. Anyway, what in the wide world of
sports. What the Hell?! Its on mute and there's no way of me even
seeing whats being said when I turn my head! What the Hell is wrong
with my TV?! Jeez. Up about 35 dollars in poker so far today.
My hypothesis of doing better early in the day is living up to the hype.
Oh. Thesis. Maybe I can actually not play any more poker today!
That'd be swell. Gonna put hot pocket in the oven. Actually it's
a lean pocket. I'm watching my figure! ...Not constantly.
Just here and there for a second in the mirror. Not sure it really counts
Penpenultimate paragraph, unless I write a bonus paragraph or
two. I'm a big fan of the bonus paragraph. You and I both earn it
over the course of the entry and its nice to get a reward as such and so on.
Hey I'm only up 25 dollars in poker. That's still very good. I
don't know. Wait maybe poker just registered the 6 dollars I
gambled on sports and took it out of my account. Well that would sum
it up. Also, my estimations could be several dollars off, so a loss of six
dollars could be construed as a loss of 10 dollars in my mind.
Because that's the kind of idiot I am these days. Already have dinner in
the fridge for tonight. Bison burger. That's right-- I walk the
walk! I told you I eat bison burgers, and god damnit, I eat bison
I bet there's some percent of people who, like me, enjoy
bison burgers, who would be upset to learn that bison aren't endangered anymore.
Yeah, I liked it when I thought they were endangered, but now that I realize I'm
not participating in the active extinction of a species of animal... kinda ruins
it for me. Probably. That's my guess. What else. Are
there people that get off on the idea that when they're eating meat they're
essentially causing the death of an animal? I know there are vegetarians
who don't eat meat for that reason. But are there people who are
just like, well, the taste, I could take it or leave it... but I love the
idea that I caused this animal's death! And the pain and suffering that
the animal experienced living in captivity? That's the icing on the cake!
Gotta be some people, right? Well, time
to wrap things up. Now back to got nothin' going on at all.
This was fun while it lasted. Mets have 1 run in 3 innings. At
this rate, I'll break even! Unless there's extra innings! In which
case I got extra chances to win! So, anyway. How you doing.
Pretty good probably, right? It's Thursday. If Noah Syndergaard was
pitching today, it would be Thorsday. I should be working in the
Mets publicity office! I'd be all like Thorsday this, and Games
in September that. The point is the entry is over. Let's all
move on with our lives. See ya later.
Monday, March 25, 2019
More Incremental Progress
At least on my end. I can't speak for
you. Unless you're my ventriloquist dummy. Whom I call Lil'
Dummy. Which makes me Big Dummy. Well, slightly less
lil' Dummy, at least. What kind of dummy decided to spell dummy
without a, "B." Sure hope someone at Websters was fired for that.
Excuse me, Merriam-Webster. Does corporate consolidation and
monopolization know no bounds? These jerks control 95% of the dictionary
market. Who knows for sure what words we're missing out on and what words
we're spelling wrong and what words are being used incorrectly. There's no
Oh, right. Incremental progress. Taking poker
less seriously and trying to play responsibly. Working ever so slightly
more on creative endeavors. Exercising a little bit more intensely than I
have been. When Merriams and Websters decided to team up, did Merriam and
Webster have to get married? I imagine Merriam was named after a lady
named Merriam and Webster was named after a man named Webster. And the
only way to legally combine was for the dictionary's namesakes to get married.
That's my hypothesis. What else is incremental progress. Trying to
eat healthier here and there. I mean, beyond just counting calories.
For example, dinner tonight-- I'm gonna eat some Liver! Why?
I can eat the same amount of calories in a similarly high protein dinner such as
steak or chicken. Nope! Liver! It's a superfood!
I think whoever coined the term super food
dropped the ball. I'm sure their intentions were great-- Hey, people
like superstuff. We call it superfood, that's gonna excite people.
People won't be able to get enough of superfoods. Which I assume is
their master plan. Turns out no one cares, though. Super food.
Still sounds too nerdy or for freaks who are health conscious. Not for me!
They should go back to the drawing board and come up with a term that really
gets us morons going. My suggestions-- hyper food, ultra food, MAGA food.
So, Barr's summary of the Mueller report is in. I still
don't know what to think. Over the last few months, I have been
gravitating to the idea that collusion with Russia pales in comparison to other
crimes Trump has been committing, and maybe was over-hyped a bit. But,
still, in my un-expert opinion, there does seem to be a lot of evidence--
that we've already seen-- which goes beyond 'seeming fishy.' in regards to
Russia working with Trump campaign. Also, again, I'm not a lawyer.
Maybe I'm wrong. But seeing Trump on TV saying he fired someone for
opening an investigation into him kinda seems like obstruction of justice.
Maybe I'm just an idiot and don't know what things mean.
Or maybe no one in power gives a shit and want us to move on. Either way,
what else is going on. Webster's dictionary defines obstruction of
justice as [INSERT TEN CENTS HERE.] Damn that repeal of
Dictionary Neutrality! You can't put a price on a good vocabulary.
Anyway, jeez, new week. Been thinking about trying to write Crazysheet a
little more often. No reason not to, other than a complete lack of
inspiration and things to say. It's been pointed out before, but I find it
hilarious that, to my knowledge, throughout his whole campaign, and afterwards,
not once did Trump ever say when America was great. Or what made it
great. If it was a real thing he believed in, don't you think he'd have
been constantly eloquently talking about when America was great, what
made it that way, and how we'll return to those values and principles?
Nope. Not once. Because it just was meant to play
to people's semi-unconscious racism, intolerance, and closed-mindedness.
Trump never said Reagan or Some Other Republican President was great!
That's what I'm going for. Nothing like that. Oh well, what can
ya do. I know it's been said before, by me, but I hope Trump's slogan in
2020 is Make America Great Again Again. Because it would make me
laugh. That's why people should do things. For my amusement.
Anyway, what paragraph are we into. I'm sick of Nancy Pelosi and Chuck
Schumer doing things as a team. When we supported Democrats in the
midterms, no one was picturing the face of our party becoming a Pelosi/Schumer
tag team. Basically nullifies the political power Pelosi could be
wielding by leading a majority of the house of representatives. Teaming up
with Schumer, who has a lot less power, it just looks like Excuse Me We've
Got Something To Say! Listen Up God Damnit! Why Isn't Anyone
Again, I'm an idiot, so don't take that hot take to mean
anything other than me just bullshitting my way through a paragraph. I
feel like I should drive that point home every other paragraph in every entry
from now on. What paragraph are we into. Seventh. Hey how
about that. My parents are both going to the dentist right now. I've
got the whole house to myself! Better run around and do all the things I
couldn't do when one or both of them are here. You know, like take a crap
in the kitchen sink, then spend an hour erasing the evidence. Or how about
disconnecting all the electronics and then snake around reconnecting them.
You know-- snake around? Like, let's say I start off disconnecting the TV,
and at the end, make my way to disconnecting the phone. Then, I start
reconnecting things with the phone, and end with the TV. Like a snake.
What else can I do. Lick all the silverware.
The point is, you might think all that might seem like just
random bullshit that means nothing and isn't funny-- but you'd be wrong.
It represents my unconscious desires of what I would be capable of were I to be
living alone and/or unburdened by relationships with my parents. Crapping
in sink, silverware licking, and disconnecting and reconnecting electronics.
That's what my ID wants to accomplish in life. Oh well what can ya do.
Move on. Had some freezer bread today. I got a loaf of bread back in
October, having read you can put a loaf of bread in the freezer, and have it
last for months. Here we are, over 5 months later, and its still going
strong! Down to only two or three pieces left, and two of them are end
pieces. YUCK. Who the hell eats end pieces of supermarket
bread? What kind of sickness do these people have. It's half
Jeez. If you hadn't been following politics the
last three months, and you saw Attorney General Barr released a glossed over
version of the Mueller report-- be honest-- you'd be thinking Trump made
Roseanne the Attorney General?!?! And now Roseanne is involved in a
cover-up to protect the president!?! ...Well, I can't say I'm 100% surprised...
I guess. What else is going on. Thinking about starting to wear
contact lenses again. They're relatively expensive, but if I decide to
only wear them on days I go out in public to do something social or
professional, a 90 day supply should last me about 30 years. Sounds good
Anyway, what else is crappening. Also, the way I
started exercising more, is that instead of taking a morning walk, I go to the
neighborhood developments' exercise room, and thus far have done about 15
minutes with the elliptical machine and 35 minutes on treadmill. Which
means I'm not getting an iced coffee every day anymore. Which, if I get an
iced coffee once a week instead of once a day, it will save me over 1000 dollars
over a year. It's madness the things we/I waste money on! Of course,
the superfood of wasting money on things is cigarettes. 10 dollars a day
to not-so-slowly kill myself. Whatta idiot I am.
11th paragraph. Let's guesstimate we're halfway
through the entry. I think I'm gonna make myself some coffee.
It's in the house so it's free you jerks. Doesn't cost a dime.
BAIRBNB. Hey I'm back. That was instantaneous for you. Well,
almost. I assume it took a tenth of a microsecond to move on from reading,
"BAIRBNB." to, "Hey I'm back." I'm actually only back momentarily.
Takes five or ten minutes for coffee to brew. Then, I'm back downstairs to
get coffee, then I'm back yet again. I also just spent 5 minutes in a
blank daze instead of typing anything, or even thinking anything, so hey
coffee should be ready now! BRBABSH.
Wonderful. Back at it. Been getting bison burgers a lot
the last few months. I went through a phase of getting Burger King/Mcdonalds/Wendys/White
Castle about once a week on doordash. And I would, here and there, get a
bison burger from the diner. Now I realize I was wasting calories on
hamburgers all this time. Sure, fast food has sentimental taste value, but
just get a bison burger from a diner you idiot, it's less calories and
healthier. Don't be an idiot. Or, if you really can't do that, put
all your time and energy into lobbying fast food companies to start offering
bison burgers. Don't be a lil' dummy, change won't come without you
putting your effort in. Be part of the solution! Native Americans
use all of the burger.
Even the lettuce? Especially the lettuce!
What do they do with it? Eat it! Gross! I
like lettuce just fine. Tomato is gross, though. That's my hot take
on hamburger toppings. Hey what else is going on. Might open up a
poker table for the rest of this entry. Keep the mind busy and whatnot.
I liked reading that Jordan Peele intended this new movie to be all horror and
no comedy because it made my observation about people in the theater not knowing
when to laugh all the more correct. Because people were laughing a lot.
And now knowing they should have never been laughing, I know for sure
they were wrong!
I love to read reviews of movies, this one is a good example,
where the reviewer unabashedly declares his interpretation of the film in the
review as if it unquestionably the right one. Us is supposed to make us
think this, it means this, this is what Peele was going for, and so on.
You idiot that's just what you think! There's ten other professional
critics who each said a completely different thing with the same amount of
confidence! For shame. Anyway, what else is going on. I don't
like getting to movies like this early, and smoking a cigarette outside the
theater waiting to kill time, and then the crowd from the previous showing is
exiting the theater, and I have to use all my focus to sit there and try not
to listen to their commentary about the movie. Have you ever tried to
not listen to something audible that's going on around you? It's hard!
I don't know the correct way to do it.
I don't just mean just tune it out and not take it to heart.
Sure, you do that all the time. A family member is crying about being
diagnosed with cancer and going on and on and you're just like I don't care!
When will this jerk shut up! Cause you can still register what's being
said, you just want it to end. No, I mean, how can I not hear
what's being said? It's very difficult and I imagine you can do some
eastern Yoga-ish type exercises to achieve it but I haven't really looked into
it extensively but it does sound like an interesting thing to research now that
I think about it. Anyway. Finished Cup 1 of coffee. Will
commence with Cup 2 of 2 now.
16th paragraph. I thought I'd be done dieting by now,
by far. At first I estimated I'd be done around the new year. As
time kept passing, and I lost little weight, had to amend that prediction over
and over. Maybe this new exercise regimen will help me get over the top.
We'll see how that goes. I don't get that drug that lets people keep being
hungry and keep eating that showed up in that one Hunger Games movie I saw
[Hey-- Hunger Games-- I just got that!]. Being full is the greatest!
They're constantly depriving themselves of feeling satisfied. Anyway jeez.
Gotta start a new round of books. I saw Ben Folds has one coming out soon.
I like that guy, even if Folds is his last name and Ben Folds Five isn't
a poker reference. Because, if you're making a poker reference in a band
name, Ben Folds Five is the peak of perfection. I've done this riff
before, but it's like, his hand is so bad, he folds all his cards!
I also used to think Led Zeppelin was a real Zeppelin.
Well that was stupid. Oh well what can ya do. Because of all the
hands I've played in poker, I have about 30 dollars worth of bonus, but I have
to gamble a little bit in either sports or horses to receive it. It's to a
small enough degree that, even being clueless when it comes to those types of
gambling, it makes sense to just blindly gamble a little bit to retrieve the
bonus. So I'll try to figure that riddle out. I put all my money
on 21 Jets! I combined roulette with a bad sports team. That's
what makes that a joke in my head.
Anyway. I always feel like people are judging me when I
take bathroom breaks during the movie. I could live with missing a minute
of the movie here and there-- but I hate thinking people are thinking what
the Hell this guy is getting up and leaving? What, the movie isn't good
enough for him? What a fucking asshole. Oh well, what can ya do.
I feel like I might be saving more calories than I thought by not having iced
coffee from Dunkin Donuts/Star Bucks every day. I'm pretty sure they put
in 4x the amount of milk in the coffee than their nutrition guide suggests.
Anyway. Just saw a rubber band on my dresser, and it reminded me of this
story. I've never been a fashion conscious kind of a guy, but the one
thing in my life I remember doing for fashion was in middle school, I would
sometimes put a rubber band around one of my wrists. I just thought it
looked cool. True story.
Wow! I don't know. 19th paragraph. May
go over 20-- I don't know yet! What else. I like the idea of doing
Crazysheet twice, three times a week. I've gone through periods in the
past of doing that. I can do it again! Whose gonna stop me, you?
You couldn't stop a fly! From doing fly things! Like flying!
That's part of the incremental progress alluded to in the title. Just keep
doin' stuff. Anyway, what else is going on wide world of sports.
Nope, didn't forget the word, "in." Made a choice not to use it.
Prove me wrong! Jeez. I go through streaks in poker where I'm
playing great and streaks where I'm playing terribly. Not a lot of middle
ground. Either I'm dominating the table, or I'm giving away money.
So I got that going for me. A lot of it depends on the
hands I'm getting. For example, when I get pocket kings, I tend to win a
lot more pots than when I get 6 jack off-suit. I guess that's just my
style of play. Hey it's the 20th paragraph which was theoretically going
to be the last paragraph but now doesn't feel like it! I like to overstay
my welcome on Crazysheet. Go 5 paragraphs beyond where I should have
stopped. That's what winners do. Kinda like how I play poker.
What? I'm going on tilt and hemorrhaging money? BETTER KEEP PLAYING!
That sort of crap. Playing poker does sort of fit in with my
semi-obsessive compulsive behavior the last year, with dieting and exercising.
Poker bankroll is just another number to keep track of day-in, day-out, hour-in,
So I got that going for me. Anyway, I don't know.
Gonna sit out from poker after this cigarette maybe. Then bring down empty
cup of coffee, bring up 3/4ths full cup of SnappleWater. It's a drink of
my own I concocted. It's 2/3rds Snapple, 1/3rd water. Secret
family recipe. Well, the secrets out now. But you get the idea.
I like getting to the bottom of a cup of homebrewed coffee and getting those
coffee grounds stuck on my tongue. They're like little shitty prizes!
Alright hey what's going on. Decided to drink a vitamin water zero.
Had an extra one. Get seven to last me a week-- supermarket is on
Wednesday morning-- had two left even after today's first vitamin water. I
had an extra vitamin water somehow-- must have missed a day at some point-- so
now today there's two vitamin waters. Fascinating.
Huh. 22nd paragraph, with the obvious goal of 25.
I feel all jittery from the coffee. Who could have predicted such a
turn of events. I never know what to do with vitamin water zero caps.
I always instinctively put that cap back on after every sip, but that means I
gotta do all the hard work of taking it back off before every sip! It
keeps it fresh, but that's a lot of effort to put into drinking compared to just
leaving it off while I wait between sips. These are the problems we all
face day to day. Gettin relatively close to dinner time. It's
the late afternoon! We're in the thick of it now! You know,
that sort of crap and whatnot. What else is going on.
This could be the last paragraph. This could be the
penultimate paragraph. The penpenultimate paragraph. Probably one
of those three. Let's see, words, words, words... Hmm. Hey,
how's this. How devoid of humanity do you have to be to want to be an,
"influencer?" Mom, Dad. I figured out my purpose in life.
My calling. I want to sell products to people on the guise that I'm their
internet friend. The world is a messed up place but I feel like I
can really do a good thing by encouraging people to buy things. I
mean, I guess a lot of people go into advertising, so that's not that different.
But this is somehow worse. Cause with advertising, everyone knows what
they're getting. With, "Influencing," there's the subtext that you're
pretending to be helping people and impartial and giving them tips. It's
kind of sickening.
24th paragraph! I don't know. There might
also be an element to Influencing where the Influencer feels like they're now in
the entertainment industry. Which is glamorous for some reason. And
that element is also kind of gross and sad. I wanna be in the
entertainment industry. Yeah but on the merit of creativity! And
being entertaining for being funny or good musically or something! Totally
different thing! Sort of! It's about an 80% different thing! I
don't know. What in the world of sports. If Facebook was around in
the 1980's, what percent of students in Virginia would be in blackface in their
profile pic? 50%? 80%? These are the questions no one else
dares to ponder. Nice joke... if it was 2 months ago! Hey
shut up. No one talks to me that way! Not you, not no one!
Last paragraph finally. I guess. Whattado with
the two hours between finishing this entry and eating dinner. I'm leaning
towards lying in bed and reading twitter. Maybe mixed with putting some
Mystery Diagnosis or whatever such nonsense on TV in the background. I'm
sick of getting e-mails-- from all sorts of Democratic groups and candidates,
not just one-- where their pitch for me donating money is we're about to
reach a critical FEC deadline, we wanna reach this amount, you better donate
now! These deadlines are completely arbitrary, as far as I know.
Me donating now so it counts toward this period of time as opposed to me waiting
a day for the next period of time means nothing in terms of supporting your
cause or campaign.
Alright, one bonus paragraph. I think I've earned it!
What else is wide world of sports. Finally finishing Brian Posehn's book.
That's what my life has been reduced to. What else is crap. Got an
appointment with the endocrinologist on Friday. Hopefully I still have
endocrine. I guess we'll find out. Whenever I do sit-ups, the last
sit-up of my set is always combined with me getting up. I feel I exercise
all the same muscles as a plain sit-up, and its just supplemented by me actually
getting up. Fascinating. Same thing with push ups, but that's
obvious. These are the issues we face every day. Anyway, I guess
that's it. See ya later.
Friday, March 22, 2019
I Should Be Able To Think of a Better Title Than This
Shoulda woulda coulda. Pete.
Buttgieg. Hey it's gonna be an entry ain't that great. Just saw
Us. Mueller's report has reportedly been reported to the AG.
Gonna eat in 45 minutes. Poured myself an alcoholic beverage.
Well, that's it folks. If we're conceptualizing Crazysheet as
primarily a blog, there it is, that's what's going on in my life. Covered
all the bases. Even worked in some commentary about how the first syllable
of Mayor Pete's last name rhymes with slang spellings of other words. All
in all, I feel like I accomplished a lot today. See Ya Later!
Wait, no. Gotta keep going for some reason.
Hey, something else is new. Gonna be taking a stand up comedy class!
I was absentmindedly browsing UCB improv classes, and I suddenly thought, I
wonder if there's stand up comedy classes anywhere. Turns out there
is! It's from Caroline's: The Comedy Club. Signed up for that and
really excited about it. Gotta have 2 minutes prepared to do on the first
class in six weeks. Started writing a bit, and somehow, it's more
confessional than Crazysheet. I wanted to just jump in and talk about my
mental illness, with the idea being that if I lead with that, I'll be
ultra-comfortable and confident knowing that everyone knows my deal. Also,
I get to make jokes about it, so the other people feel comfortable too!
All in all it's a win-win, unless I think of a better bit to do with my 2
minutes. This was the first thing that came to mind. Now I
have 6 weeks to think of something better.
But, yeah, that's pretty exciting. Us was
pretty scary. The twist ending is that it's actually about the United
States. I never saw it coming! I also saw my therapist today.
Normally, my next appointment would be four weeks from today, but she couldn't
do that, because she said it was Good Friday. So I went Good Friday?
What's so good about it! Also, Ebert's review for the movie Friday was,
"This was interesting, but they should make a Good Friday." Also,
Easter? I hardly know her! Also, "Good?" That's all you got
for a resurrection? "Hey our friend came back from the dead!
That's Good. Good For Him." Also, you ever notice, the word,
"Good," is really made up of two parts-- "Go," and, "Od?" Like, Go OD!
I don't know if that's good or not-- it could be saying, "Go OD on drugs
you asshole I want you off the face of this Earth." But it could also
mean, "Yo we gonna do this shit right. We gonna Go OD with this bitch."
That could be a slang even if it's one not yet. Good Friday. Which I
presume is followed up by Average Saturday. Reminds me of the Kids In The
Hall theme song, which the name of the song is actually officially titled,
"Having An Average Weekend." Speaking of Kids In The Hall...
Just read the Kids In The Hall book. It was pretty
good. Pretty much just rote anthology about what they did, and it was
interesting enough, but I didn't really get any of the references on account of
not knowing Kids In The Hall at all. Also, it was a real struggle to read,
because I still don't know 100% which one is which. I'm pretty sure I know
which one is Dave Foley and which one is Scott Thompson. About 50% sure
which one is Kevin McDonald. But, yeah, reading about their intra-troupe
politics and whatnot, just sorta had to accept the fact, not sure which one
is which. Oh well, does it really matter? What's important is is
that they're all people.
So now I'm done with all the latest round of books except
for the second half of Brian Posehn. And I also never finished some of the
music memoirs I got a couple years back. Read most of Pete Townshend, and
a little bit of Bob Dylan, but never finished them. Oh well, such is life.
Gonna refill drink. Been chewing a lot of gum lately. You know what
that's like, right? It certainly is one way to make the most out of life.
Also, doing pretty good on poker. Was up as high as $550 on my original
$50 deposit, been up and down, am now around $400. If I end up withdrawing
roughly $400, which right now is the idea (And doing so after hopefully making
another $50-100 to leave on poker to continue playing), I can look at that in
one of two ways. Well, one of an infinite amount of ways. But
my two favorite ways are either now I'm even from all the times I
deposited over the last few years or that'll pay for the stand up class.
Both are very appealing. I like the idea of not having lost
hundreds of dollars over the last few years. But I also like the idea of
having that as part of my narrative, I was able to take this class cause I
won money on poker! Gotta pick one, though. I can't just go
between the two depending on my whims and whatever I wanna tell myself or other
people at the time. Gotta pick one story and stick with it.
Life is tough. Gotta make tough decisions in life.
This is one example of such a scenario. Anyway, this is the first time in
months I'm drinking liquor as opposed to beer. It's good! It goes
down quickly! I like that in an alcohol. Bought a new nail clipper
after having lost my old one for two weeks. Man, oh man, did I have a fun
few days clipping some semi-grown nails. It was a blast. It's over
now, though the memories I created will live forever in my mind. How come
when Jesus resurrected himself, he didn't stay on Earth for a while to really
stick it to the Romans. Show up at Caesar's Palace, Hey what's up.
And Caesar is like, I thought you said you crucified him! And his
flunky is like, We What? WE did? But... how... you...
Anyway. The funny part of that was saying Caesar's Palace.
Just to make sure you know there was a funny part in that bullshit.
A lot of mixed feelings about the impending actual
report/leaking of parts of the report from Mueller. Whatever he finds,
though, life will continue on as it has been. We still know the crimes he
has committed. And we already know he probably wasn't writing messages
back and forth on WhatsApp with Putin talking about their secret master plan.
I wouldn't want to be on the receiving end of a text chain with Trump.
I doubt he would be able to do that, though. Twitter is perfect for him
because he just talks about himself all the time. I can't imagine him
having a conversation with anyone, online or not, where he's just like,
so, how have you been? What's going on with you? Pretty sure
100% of what he talks about is himself.
That reminds me of someone. His name is me.
I'd happily talk to someone about themselves. I just don't talk to anyone
other than myself. So, naturally, when I talk to myself, it's about me.
It's my only shared interest with myself. Myself doesn't really have a lot
going on, other than Me. What else. Food came, put it in the oven,
will eat in about 20 minutes. I got that going on and whatnot.
Eighth paragraph. Us was the first movie I've seen in the theater
in a long time which I didn't feel compelled to have to drink before/during.
I've reached a place in life where I don't need alcohol to perform regular life
duties! Except for this entry. That's the exception that
proves the rule.
Jeez. I had a save-em-up. What was it.
I'll go check. Oh, here's one! Blaming Bernie Sanders for
Hillary Clinton losing to Trump in 2016 is like me blaming the Chicago Cubs for
the Mets losing to the Royals in 2015. [Mets lost to the Royals in the
World Series. They had beat the Cubs in the NLCS to advance to the World
Series.] Save-em up. Wonderful. I think I intended for
there to be more exposition and whatnot. Oh well, life doesn't always
turn out how you expect. I like the idea of Joe Biden's secret strategy of
running with Stacey Abrams as his VP. I know you don't like me, and
don't want me to be president-- so here's an idea! If you support me, you
also get to support someone you do like! Brilliant.
It's like that time I participated in Mr. USA by picking, I don't know, some
handsome guy as my vice president. I'm not great with references.
I may not be MR. USA material, but lookit, my friend is! And,
thus, that's how I became MR. USA.
Abram is my Jewish name. Avram. Translates
directly to Abram-- because it's the shortened version of Abraham-- which I
believe was the Jewish Bible's Abraham's real name until God decided to bless
him by elongating it. After which, I can only imagine he reacted,
great, now my name's longer. What a gift. I made such an impression
on God that he decided to reward me... with a longer name. Makes it
all worthwhile I guess. The good news is with the Mueller report out
of the way, however it ends up going, now the news will have to talk about
something else-- presumably the other ways in which Trump breaks the law
and lies and is a criminal. They're already halfway there by endlessly
talking about Russia-- now you got all this free time to talk about even more
obvious crap he's pulled/is pulling!
I assume they won't just talk about the Mueller report for
the next 18 months. Unless there's some bombshells. In which case,
talk they shall. But I don't see them going hmm, obvious evidence of
obstruction, lots of people on his campaign clearly colluded with Russia,
somehow Trump seemed to be above it all, no hard evidence he was actively
intensely part of the scheme... well, guess Trump's a good guy now.
Let's support him unconditionally. You never know, though.
Anyway, what the what, what paragraph are we into now. 11th.
Wonderful. Gonna eat now. Then, Part II!
Hey it's time for part II! That's one of my
two favorite parts on the condition that there's only two parts. Dinner
was pretty great. I totally had two slices of pizza! Been helping
out around the house a little bit more with my Dad's hip condition and impending
surgery. Taking out the garbage, taking laundry to the Laundromat,
bringing in groceries. Stuff like that. Really feels nice. I
depend on these jerks (my parents) for housing and food and all that stuff, so
to be able to say, I spend 5 minutes every day helping them out, makes me
feel like a great guy and now we're all cosmically even. For some
reason, Microsoft FrontPage recognizes laundromat as a word-- but only if I
capitalize it. I can't figure that one out. Can you?
E-mail me your ideas and if I think you're right I'll put the winning e-mail up
on WhatsApp. What's Whatsapp. Obvious joke-- but also 100%
how I really, truly feel about WhatsApp.
I like how New Zealand is a good place. Banning assault
rifles after a shooting. It's nice to know, hey, US is screwed up...
but some places are okay! Really gives you faith in humanity being
continued in the odd place here and there across the map. I said Map
instead of Globe because the science is still out. That's what internet
has led me to believe. I'm still waiting for the Mueller report on Flat
Earth. That is, if we ever see it! Damn that Attorney
General!!! The point is if it turns out we have a Flat Earth that means
all science is wrong. Not sure what the commentary is there.
Why does everything have to be commentary. Can't some things just be
That's something to think about. Conceptualizing
doing stand-up with the experience of taking this class, it suddenly seems like
something maybe I could do. This'll give me the confidence, the social
connections, the guided experience on how to craft jokes and bits and being
comfortable on stage-- I can actually see it being a jumping off point of
getting into stand up. It's exciting. And the first bit I started
writing, about a specific part of my mental illness, was great. I started
thinking about things in a way I never had before, obvious yet subtle, I made
jokes about it that came naturally, and, yeah, well, it's fun. So I got
that going for me this week is the point. Wonderful. I mean, with
several days of reflection, it's not that greatest bit in the world. But
it's good enough. Good enough for now.
So, great, what else is going on. Worked on a new song,
too! About 2/3rds, 75% done with it. Music & lyrics. So I got
that going for me, too. What paragraph is this. 14th? Ah,
15th. So close. Well I guess I lose that competition.
No way of even winning the consolation prize, assuming it goes by The Price Is
Right rules. I went over and now I'm disqualified from ever making another
guess again in my entire lifetime. I never put together that The Price Is
Right is a colloquial pun-type-thing until just now. The announcer never
introduces it with the stress on, well... I don't need to buy it, but
the price is right.... He just goes, The PRICE Is
RIGHT! Some of us need a little bit of extra help and that announcer
is letting us all down.
Anyway. Got half a jumbo chocolate chip cookie to eat
later for dessert. Or half a jumbo black and white cookie, if I really
wanna splurge. The black and white cookies, I estimate, are more
calories than chocolate chip. On account of all that icing. I'm
getting pretty good at not having to eat right before going to sleep with the
reasonable reasoning of I get to eat fuckin' dessert as soon as I wake up!
So I just hurry up to go to sleep, and you know what? It works! I'm
capable of doing that. I liked watching Us in the theater because people
didn't know when to laugh and when to be scared. You hear laugher
throughout, and you hear people being scared throughout (trust me, you can hear
it!), and it's just people depending on how they interpret social cues in the
movie and in the perceived audience around them on the appropriate time to laugh
and the appropriate time to be scared. Or maybe it's just me. And
everyone else was individually unequivocally correct on the laughs and the
scares. And I was just projecting my own uncertainly. NOPE!
Pretty sure I'm a genius and everyone else is an idiot! Prove me wrong!
Anyway. I like the part of that premise where I imply I
can intuitively figure out when people are scared, presumably based on some sort
of auditory or visual reaction on their part. Makes no sense and has no
basis in reality, but I still insisted I had that ability for some reason.
Anyway. On the bus ride home, the bus driver announced that two ladies who
just boarded the bus needed change, and I had a bunch of change on account of
not knowing whether I had enough rides on my Metrocard for bus (I did!), so I
gave one lady 4 quarters for a dollar. She thanked me and moved on.
Who else can give change! I wanted to go Me! I can give even
more change! But they had moved on, and it would have seemed weird.
So now we're stuck in a situation where I've got ample change to give but the
pedestrians have moved on and don't want to pay any more attention to me.
Still, though, the old lady sitting near me kept looking at me and nodding her
head approvingly and I kept trying to play it cool, but deep down I was so happy
I had pleased her with my social niceties and wondered how I could translate
that into becoming an even better person and having more old people on busses
thinking highly of me.
At first I assumed they needed change so they could pay for
their bus ride, but after apparently getting sufficient change, they just sat
down. So, in the end, it was kind of a scam, but I'm still happy I was
able to help out in a small way. 18th paragraph. Go for 25?
Even 30? We'll see. Don't wanna drink that much more, I don't know,
I'll figure something out. If I can get myself to start playing lower
stakes in poker, that would be a real positive thing to do. Like I said,
if I can just make another 30, 40 dollars, I'd be very happy with what I could
withdraw and have left over. So we'll see if I'm able to control myself
Probably 25 paragraphs. Right? That seems like
the right thing to do. Anyway. My favorite part about seeing IMAX
movies is that the theater I go to has two floors. Half the screenings are
on the basement floor, where the bathroom is, and half are on the second floor.
IMAX is on the basement floor. So every IMAX movie, I'm guaranteed being
on the same floor as the bathroom. Cuts my bathroom breaks in 1/2. I
totally don't miss out on as much of the movie just because I need to
compulsively urinate! So I got that going for me is the point.
Huh? You musta missed the point. It was that I got that going
for me. Got what? Seeing IMAX. Still don't get it.
I give up.
Wonderful! My least favorite part of dieting
is getting 4/5ths through dinner and thinking, I could stop now. I'd
still be hungry, sort of. But I could stop now and save some calories.
And then the other part of me is like, just finish the fucking dinner you
dolt. You're not stuffing yourself. The extra 100, 150 calories mean
nothing. Finish your dinner like a regular fucking person. And
that's the side that usually wins. But it's no fun, I'm tellin' ya!
I gotta watch all of Kids In The Hall, but as of now I've just watched one
sketch. It was weird, because the premise was funny, but most of the jokes
within the premise kind of fell flat for me, but the jokes outside the
premise-- just in the exposition and whatnot-- were hilarious. I'm
basing this all on one sketch, so I don't know if you could
extrapolate it to the entire series, but that was my takeaway.
Anyway. Huh. 21st paragraph. I don't know
how I've gotten so far without seeing Kids In The Hall. I know from the
book they used to run it in syndication on Comedy Central, and I do vaguely
remember that (it would have been in the 90's, when I was still pretty young).
But I don't remember ever actually really watching it. But I guess I'm due
for a binge watching as soon as I can figure out where to binge watch it.
I was thinking about how fun it would be to rank my favorite comedy TV shows of
all time. My first instinct was, The Simpsons gotta be #1, right?
Mr. Show would probably #2. That doesn't sound like much fun.
Not to read, maybe. But to write? I'd get to clarify all my feelings
about what really matters in life-- TV!
Whatta do when this is over. Back to mundane
nothingness. Oh well, such is life. Gotta figure out the next thing
to read. Don't feel like finishing Pete Townshend nor Bob Dylan.
Don't wanna play poker tonight. I edged my way back up to over 400 dollars
after dipping as low as the mid 200's, and I'm happy with where I'm at for now.
Don't wanna mess up a good thing. Sometimes I think about if Online Poker
is rigged, but (1) why? (2) how? (3) oh well what can ya do. So that
settles that. Three and a half more paragraphs. I got that going for
now and whatnot. Gonna have dessert in about an hour. All in all,
great it's another great night.
Wow! Regardless of the Mueller report, we did have
this election back in November where the Democrats received the biggest victory
since Watergate. So, I know how much politicians like to talk about
lets let the voters decide! Well, the voters decided. Regardless
of this report. The resounding victory across America had nothing to do
with Russia. So let's continue to having let them voters decided.
That's my takeaway. I don't wanna hear any bullshit commentary of I
guess Trump is back in the driver's seat! No. We decided to vote
for Democrats. Not just me-- a bunch of us! It was only a few months
Anyway. Penultimate paragraph. The little
hardcover notebook I had designated for working on new songs is now doubling as
working on bits for comedy. Stand Up Comedy. Not save-em-ups for
this crap. It's fun because it makes me feel like a professional.
HARD COVER note book? Now we're getting serious! That sort of
thing. You only voted for Democrats because you thought Trump colluded
with Russia! No. You thought he colluded with Russia.
We voted for Democrats because he's a liar and a racist and a misogynist and a
fear mongerer and a white nationalist and the head of a kleptocracy and
neopotismocracy and corporate and rich people giveaways and insulting to our
collective intelligence and destroying the environment and healthcare and poor
and middle class and selling access to himself and enriching himself and his
businesses and also he kind of just rubs me the wrong way.
Yeah, you say that now. Yup-- also
said it before! Also, the other 80% of stuff I couldn't fit into one
sentence. What else is going on. Final paragraph. But the
point is I guess he's not worth it. When Pelosi says Trump isn't
worth it, she's really saying, we're not worth it. Eh,
America'll be fine with this garbage for another 18 months. Who really
cares as long as I continue to raise money and don't cause any waves.
Whatta joke. Anyway, that'll wrap this up and whatnot. The point is
Us was scary and sure Trump is scary too, but at least I don't have to watch for
social cues to know when to laugh and when to be scared! Right?
Right? I'll see ya later.
Wednesday, March 13, 2019
How I Spent My Crazysheet Vacation
I spent it all in one place. Home.
What's going on party people. I finished the Jeff Tweedy book, and am now
on the Kevin Hart book. So everything I was feeling about songwriting and
getting back into music for several weeks, now has been transferred into comedy
career fantasizing. It's not the same, because this isn't stand-up.
But still, oh boy, pressures on now. You ever notice how men
and women are different? One of them is all like I got a dick and
the other one is like you are a dick! I forget which one is
which. Plus, women be crazy. They all like, yo I'm not
attracted to you leave me alone. You guys know what I'm talking about!
Jeez. But, really, I love both these books. My
last social interaction with a black women was a few years ago in a bar, and she
came up to me randomly and asked you ever kill someone? And I went
I don't talk about that. And she was like good answer. Stay
here when I come back from the bathroom. Then I never saw her again,
but all in all I consider it a rewarding experience. Anyway, what in the
world is going on. I have to use Bitcoin to withdraw money from poker.
I was thinking about starting the Bitcoin equivalent for sperm banks. I
call it cryptocyrocurrency. Basically I monetize sending penis
droppings through the world wide web. I think this idea is a winner!
I was always pretty neutral on Kevin Hart. He was never
my favorite, but he was good enough and immensely likable. Plus, he's
short! That seals the deal in my book. I don't like all his
confidence, though. Because I don't share the same amount of it.
Can't relate! But the book definitely moves him into the people I admire
unreservedly category. I know he got in trouble recently for saying
something like he doesn't want his son to be gay. Oh well, what can ya do.
I think you all misunderstood him-- he meant he doesn't want a gay person
to be his son. Not that he doesn't want his son to be a
gay person. You twisted it around and got confused!
Now we all see where he's coming from! Wait. Nope. Still
not good. Kinda worse somehow, actually.
Read the book and you'll like him again. Anyway,
what else is going on. I would never survive in stand up comedy. For
so many reasons. Oh well, what can ya do. Write yuk-em-ups from the
comfort of my own home with absolutely no pressure! I can do that!
Sounds like fun. Anyway, afternoon entry, got a 24 oz can of beer, let's
do this thing. Still up about 200 dollars on poker. It's been up and
down a lot, but in the end, I'm where I was the last entry. Aiming to
withdraw 175 and leave over 75 if I'm still at this bankroll level when I
finally do withdraw. The point is we were promised yuk-em-ups
get to it. I saw Trump tweet that negative coverage of him on late
night comedy talk shows have made them, "Unwatchable," to him.
Shouldn't being president and the schedules and responsibilities of the job make
watching Late Night With Jimmy Fallon unwatchable? I don't know.
I thought of that reaction but then I think I vaguely remember reading somewhere
some president always watching Johnny Carson. Don't remember which one--
don't even remember if I ever read that or heard it somewhere-- but it seems
like something I heard somewhere once!
Looks like Manafort's sentence is up to 7.5 years.
That's not bad. I said to my parents, What did the general say to the
soldiers at the Alamo. And after five minutes of coaxing, I finally
got my dad to say What? And I went Man A Fort! Total
silence. If I was seven years old you'd love that joke!
Oh, to be seven years old again. You'd almost be alive as long as Manafort
will be in prison! Also, I sure hope his fellow white collar criminals
bully him in prison by calling him Manafart. That would make it all
worthwhile in my opinion.
What exactly is the procedure for deciding if someone goes to
a country club prison vs a real prison. Obviously we know some kid getting
arrested for dealing crack isn't going to a country club prison, and that
someone like Manafort is. But what's the actual structural determinations
that justify the discrepancy? I'd look into it, but I don't care enough!
Dealing crack? Crack deals itself! You're more of a bystander than
anything. That's my interpretation of things. What crappy
paragraph are we crappening right now. Sixth. Wonderful, just
wonderful. One weird part about reading the Kevin Hart book is for
whatever reason, the parts about his childhood feel like a different era, but
then when he's still young and making his name in comedy he talks about a DVD
collection. And I realize, oh this wasn't that long ago. So,
Turns out my Dad needs hip replacement surgery. At
first it was scary, but then I realized, life will continue on as it has
been. It's scary, obviously because I care about my Dad and want him
to be healthy and enjoy life, but also, I'm pretty dependent upon my parents to
live. But, I realized, I think if I needed to, I could take care of
myself. I'm sane enough, I got a college degree, I have more of a work
ethic than I did when I was a kid. If I was thrust into a situation I
could no longer rely on my parents for food, money, housing, driving me to
doctor's appointments-- I'd be able to make that leap and figure it out.
That's how I feel about things. I could always try stand up comedy and
fail at that. That probably pays off to some extent, right?
I don't know. At first I was pissed off about Nancy
Pelosi more or less taking impeachment off the table, but then I realized-- she
got everyone to start talking about impeachment. Maybe it's a brilliant
political move. Now impeachment is, briefly at least, part of the
conversation, no one can say she's the driving force and doing it for
politically motivated reasons, and it has more of a grassroots feel to boot.
Maybe she's a genius! Or maybe she just likes all the money she
fundraises as long as Trump is president. Either way, eh what are ya gonna
do. Anyway. Turns out people on Fox News are racist and liars.
I, for one, am shocked and awed. Gonna try to make that expression
replace, "Shocked and appalled." From now on, it's, "Shocked and Awed!"
The point is I derive a lot of confidence and feelings of self worth based on
how quickly I can do the New York Times mini-crossword each day.
I like how the mini-crossword, and presumably the full
fledged crossword, has words that are relevant to the times they represent.
It'll be stuff that's related to the news or culture or whatever. It's
good because it's a test of intelligence, and it makes you think about current
events! Wonderful. This entry hasn't been the best entry so far, but
then again, eh what can ya do. Not a lot, that's the problem.
OH I was asking the imagined audience, not myself. Carry on, then.
What else. All you need to know about my life is that I spent 15 minutes
yesterday googling most popular gum flavors and put a lot of stock into
the results I found. That sums up where I've been at the last year or so.
I wonder what the ranking of popular gum flavors are for people, and whether I
should incorporate those findings into what gum flavors I should give a shot.
It's kind of weird to watch commercials in the era of
Bernie Sanders and AOC, etc. It's basically being reminded 1/3rd of the
time you're watching TV, Just remember! Our country is still a
capitalist enterprise putting millions and millions of dollars into bullshitting
you about our crappy products and services! But, be sure, we don't want to
offend your newfound sensibilities! We'll still be here when you're
hopefully done considering the negative implications of our bullshit!
Gotta be tough for them to find the right tone for their commercials to adjust,
right? I don't know, what else is going on. I realized that spending
the last couple of months noodling around with my mandolin as opposed to my
acoustic guitar has done wonders for my self esteem. This piece of crap is
half the size of the acoustic guitar! Suddenly I'm a giant and able to
move around the fretboard willy-nilly because everything's closer together!
I don't know, something like that.
11th paragraph already? Great, just great. What
do I got for dinner tonight. Second half of a Steak & Seafood combination
dinner. Living it up! Only the finest for me. I don't know if
it's just me, but in this era of actually taking climate change and the
environment and not being wasteful seriously, I honestly do consciously think
when I'm taking a shower-- better wrap this up now that I'm done getting
clean, or, gonna avoid using plastic this time around, I don't need it,
or, some third example. I don't know, something about not
wasting food? You figure it out. I'm not patting myself on the
back-- I'm still as bad for the environment as the average American. But I
may be reducing my carbon footprint by, I don't know, 10% these days?
Hopefully other people are feeling the same way I have. Also, these small
changes don't make me feel good about myself. I still feel, I
WANNA USE MORE HOT WATER EVEN THOUGH I DON'T NEED IT, FUCK YOU ALL, THIS SHIT
SUCKS, but I still find a way to limit myself. But, trust me, it's no
Hmm. Wintergreen gum. What the Hell, you only
live once! What the Hell does Wintergreen mean. Tastes like
winter. Combined with green. Eh, people'll figure it out!
A season + a color [other than orange] means absolutely nothing regarding
flavor. Did I refer to cum as, "Penis Droppings," before?
Anyway. Wintergreen cum. Now there's a product people'll support.
Gum rhymes with cum. That's why that's a thing. Anyway what in
the world of sports is going on. I've been going to sleep really early
most nights. For a long time, since I've been out of school and have
nothing to wake up for, I was falling asleep around 12:30, 1:00. Then it
became 12:00 or 12:30. Then it became 11:30, 12:00. Now it's down to
even falling asleep in the 10 o' clock hour sometimes. Such is life!
Hilarious riff, man. You've got it.
That's a good catchphrase for my stand up career.
Say some joke about my life, and then I smile, shake my head, and confidently
and aw-shucks-like, "Such Is Life!" People won't be able to get enough of
it. People'll stop me in the street, Such Is Life! And I'll
go this guy gets it! And I'll feel content and satisfied with my
myself inside. That's a good direction for my life to go. It's
good to have reasonable goals and plans. Like my Such Is Life plan.
Something both achievable and also worth striving toward. I don't know,
what else is going on. Ricky Gervais' new show was amazing. Ya'll
could figure that out on your own.
I don't know. I feel like eating more snacks has been
good for my metabolism. I, of course, am basing this on absolutely
nothing, but having two snacks between lunch and dinner, as opposed to one, it
just feels like it keeps my metabolism going a little bit better.
What else. How is there not a pill that just speeds up your metabolism?
With all the crap that different pills and medications can do for your body, how
have they not cracked that code yet? That's one motivation to not bother
dieting. This magic pill has got to be on the horizon, right? So why
put yourself through the trouble now, in five years you take the pill, and you
didn't sacrifice a damn thing. Sure your body still suffers from
malnutrition, but in the end, your appearance doesn't suffer! That's the
What else is wide world of sports. My Dad should be
fine, though. All things considered, there's worse things your body can go
through than getting a hip replacement. That's my takeaway these days.
Pointing at a square guy-- this fella could use a HIP replacement
right? Right? How come no one's laughing? And now you're
booing? Oh I'm sorry John Lewis, I didn't realize it was you.
Had to think of a respected older gentleman who people wouldn't like you mocking
for being square. First name that came to mind. Hmm I think I'll
have a piece of gum. Consequences be damned! Every pack of gum
has a plastic covering you gotta rip off. Gotta cut back on the gum if you
wanna cut back on the plastic! That's how we all have to live our life
from now on. What do you mean personal discretion in your purchases and
habits don't make nearly as much of a difference towards the environment as what
big companies can do? That sounds like bullshit. How dare you with
I don't know, some crap like that. Is it possible
science can get to a point where we reverse climate change?
Obviously, a lot of the damage will have been done by that point, but wouldn't
that be nice? Let's just continue burning oil and fantasize about a future
where science will save us without us having to take accountability for our
Earth-destroying actions and habits. Anyway, jeez, I don't know. Not
sure what to do once weed is legalized. Part of Jeff Tweedy's book, he
talks about how addictions never really go away-- you can go through long, long
periods of time where you don't indulge, but it's still there. I realize
marijuana is not chemically addictive, but I was unable to stop myself from
overusing it for a period of a few years, so it's something worth fretboarding
about. Fretting about, added board... yeah I know we're all bored
good one. What are you, seven years old?
Sure. 17th paragraph. What A Snooze.
Cool! I'm really happy with the tone I picked for my cellphone alarm
clock. I feel like, in the past, when I've used it here and there, I wake
up, and this little tune pisses me the fuck off. I get up just to
turn that crap off! Now, I wake up, hmm this is nice. I'm having
fun with this tune! The day is full of brightness and possibilities!
Such. Is. Life! It's always a shock to find out baseball
players I've never seen, like prospects and stuff, turn out to be a different
race than I imagined them. I thought they were black, turn out to be
white. Thought they were white, turn out to be Latino. Thought they
were a John Lewis, turned out to be a Jeff Tweedy. Shock
might be overselling it. Find it mildly interesting.
Anyway. This rich people using bribes to get
their kids into college thing got me thinking about my own college experience.
I realized, I have a degree in English, and I don't know shit about English.
I don't know any Shakespeare. I don't know any Chaucer. Looking
back, even the supposedly most intensive, highest level classes, were more or
less what you'd expect from an introductory level class. Very, very basic
stuff. It was a breeze. That's not tooting my own horn or anything--
it's just true. I got a degree in something-- from a decent, well
respected college-- and I am absolutely nowhere near being an expert in my
field. It's nice, though. Sometimes I'll just randomly think, Hey
I have a college degree. That's cool. Done with that bullshit for a
I feel bad for the kids in this college acceptance
scandal, though. It's 1000% worse for the kids who should have been
accepted and weren't. But for the kids of rich people who aren't qualified
and don't really wanna go to college and do anyway-- I was barely qualified!
I didn't really wanna go to college at first! But I figured it out
somewhere down the line! Definitely, though, the main story is
the kids who get passed over for these jerks. Those who work hard and want
to learn and would make the most of a good education and a degree from a good
college. But I do feel empathy for the kids caught up in this. Cause
they're gonna be facing a lot of bullshit from people for thinking and behaving
how most, or at least a lot of, kids think. This
paragraph has been brought to you by White Privilege.
I wanna do the bare minimum to get ahead, too! At
least I did at their age. Now I wanna do the next-to-bare minimum.
The just-above-bare minimum. I'll bump my effort and drive up a little
bit, I don't wanna be the least driven person in the world. So
the point is stick with it! After ten years, you'll feel comfortable
doing not quite the bare minimum! I have no sympathy for
the parents, though. They're assholes on many different levels. What
paragraph are we into these days. 20th. I guess aiming for 30 seems
about right. These days. Huh?
Hmm. Then again, these kids still have it easy.
They will be just fine in life regardless. That's more than most people
can say. But, for the moment, socially at least, it's gotta suck.
Maybe it'll provide the kick in the pants they need. That's my comedic
take on this news story. When it broke, having been reading Kevin Hart
and seeing Patton Oswalt and consuming all sorts of other comedy, I was like
alright new story, time to flex my comedy muscles, gonna have a unique joke
about this, really get my brand out there! Then I just spent several
paragraphs talking about empathy and not making one wise crack.
Professional Comedy, that's me.
Anyway. I have a brand? Yeah-- what do
you think Such Is Life is? I'm the such is life guy! More like
SUCK... is... you. Well, can't argue with that logic. Mostly
because it doesn't qualify as logic. Also, because I said it myself, and
I'm not about to get into an argument with myself that I can't win. It'll
just be me going around in circles until I decide I'm not worth the effort.
You know-- how Pelosi feels about Trump. That's how I feel about myself.
Pretty sure my next book to read will be the Kids In The Hall book. So I
got that to look forward to. I'm gonna have an oatmeal raisin
cookie. It's high in fiber you jerks. What else. Let's
get back into goof-em-ups, right? Everyone loves a good goof-em-up.
Kevin Hart book and Jeff Tweedy book have a lot in common. Both are
relatable, funny, and inspiring. How dare them for knocking all those
qualities out of the park. Where do they get off.
Remember that time I got on the bus and the bus driver
went WHERE DO YOU GET OFF. Not sure why you would remember it.
It was me that never actually happened to. Bus drivers don't
need to know where you get off. It has no impact on their ability to do
their job, and they'll find out when you actually do get off, anyway. So I
found the whole episode that never happened to be completely unprofessional.
23rd paragraph. That means seven to go after this one. Let's
get to it. I got a crazy idea. What if I stopped after 25
paragraphs? Get out of here with that bullshit. That's doing the
bare minimum! I don't play that crap no more! If I say I'm gonna
write 30 paragraphs, I'm gonna write 30 shitty paragraphs!
Wonderful. Life is such. I
split a pot in poker I should have won. Fuck this Such Is Life bullshit.
Life is Such a Bullshit. Where do I get off playing shit cool when shit
like this happens. Fuckin had the best hand, he rivers the same hand I
have, this motherfucker has my money. Give it back.
You know, something like that. That's how life goes these days I guess.
I'm gonna finish this entry after the next paragraph. Last few paragraphs
have been a real snooze. What kind of crap do I have lined up for my
future. Not a lot. Neither immediate future, semi-immediate future,
or long term. Nothing for tonight. Nothing for the next few weeks.
Nothing for the next few years. Absolutely nothing. Sounds like a
lot of fun.
Cool. I still have to finish this beer. That's
something. I guess. There's cigarettes to be smoked. Gum to be
chewed. Cryptocyrocurrency to produce and trade and invest.
Great I just tripled up. Now I have a lot of money. Just my...
wait this is a good thing. Life is worth living again! Still
don't feel good about this mediocre bullshit of an entry, though, that remains
unchanged. The amount I have now, I would withdraw an even 200 dollars
instead of 175! That'll make my parents realize I got life figured out!
25 extra dollars? After only losing 500 dollars over the last three
years? This kid is going places! You know, crap like that. I
don't know, maybe that triple up will provide me a second wind? Get this
entry finished the way it aught to be? Let's try to ride that wave.
Aught? Ought? ...Says they're both words.
Who can figure that riddle out. Aught ought to mean anything and ought
should mean aught. Internet definitions have led me to believe that
sentence makes sense. See-- English Degree. Knocking some
English out of the park. With a little help from my trusty friend
Internet. 26th paragraph. Hmm this wintergreen gum is pretty good.
You can really taste the winter! The green is a little understated, a
little subtle, but it really plays with the winter well and it provides a
singular sensation you'd be hard pressed to find in anymore than maybe a dozen
other different flavors.
Did anyone else find it odd growing up that you can blow
bubbles with non-bubble gum? Just not as big bubbles? Kinda makes
you wonder, what's the big difference, I can blow as many bubbles as I want
anyway. May not be as big as I'd like, but is blowing bigger bubbles
really worth it? Also, what's the consensus on chewing one piece of
gum at a time vs. two. I have a suspision that there's an extremely
relevant portion of the population that will regularly chew two (or more!)
pieces at a time without thinking. My trick is, if it's a prime time to be
chewing gum, like on my walk after dinner, I'll start off with one piece.
After five minutes, as it starts to lose its flavor but its not gone completely,
then comes a second piece as a reinforcement. So I maximize flavor time
and get to chew two pieces at the same time for most of the duration.
Who the Hell realized people would like gum. Some
scientist goes to his Igor, here, chew this for some reason.
What is it? It's gum. Just chew on it for a while.
Why? I can add flavors later, just see if it's fun to chew!
I guess the Igor probably didn't exist. Some creep scientist was just
like, Hmm, gum. I'd like to chew on that-- but how could I make
it socially acceptable? That's it-- add flavors! Of course!
AAnd then Igor shows up and goes what flavors? Scientist
goes Hah! What flavors? We'll make up our own flavors!
Wintergreen! Internet tells me Wintergreen is a kind of tree but I
refuse to acknowledge that. It pokes too many holes all over this entry,
so I will just continue to operate under the assumption that people made up that
flavor and named it arbitrarily. Tree? Pish posh!
Penultimate paragraph. Figure I'll eat dinner in
about two hours. I got that going for me and whatnot. I'm confused
on the ettiqute of spitting out chewed gum. On the one hand, I feel like
it's socially acceptable. You spit out gum on the sidewalk, I don't think
anyone's gonna be like what the Hell are you doing?! But, also, the
gum is just gonna stay there. And harden. And then become one with
the sidewalk. You're littering to a signficant extent. I guess it's
one of those things where society still needs to catch up with the negative
environmental implications of our actions. You know, like the stuff I
was talking about 20 paragraphs ago? Sure I figure out a way to tie things
together, I'm an English Major god damnit!
Cool. One might even say cool as Winter.
And even add, "Green," to it, arbitrarily. Hey it's Spring in a week.
Hah. Winter. You thought you were so cool. And now it's not
even going to be you anymore. How the mighty have fallen.
Well, I've got funny, relatable, and inspiring books to read. I should be
able to ride that wave for the next week or so. Then find some new books!
Really English Major it up, so to speak. What with reading tell-all best
sellers written by celebrities-- you know-- high art? That's the kind of
stuff we English Majors consume our time with. Anyway. Real D+ entry
today. Real. D. +. Still, better than nothing!
Prove me wrong! See ya later.
Friday, March 8, 2019
I'll Always Remember This Title Fondly
Is that good grammar? Sorry-- Is that
well grammar? Anyway hey what's happening. Turns out justice
doesn't exist re: Paul Manafort. At first his light sentence pissed me
off, but then I realized, fuck this guy, let him live the rest of his
shitty life outside of jail, who cares. As long as we have a criminal
president-- with documented crimes-- which everyone knows about-- and no one
does a damn thing, who really cares about Paul Manafort's shitty golden years.
Kinda dwarfs all other matters of justice. The point is I'm living my best
life because my days always start off with something sweet, be it chocolate chip
pancakes, French toast, waffles, pop tarts-- I get a large iced coffee and a
vitamin water zero to drink to last me up until mid-afternoon-- and well
that's about it. So I take solace in the fact that there's no vitamin
water zeroes where Manafort's gonna be living for 4 years! Unless
there's a commissary. Then we're screwed. Although it's safe to
assume Manafort has no interest in vitamin water zero, considering it a
peasant's drink. That's what I'm talking about when I say he's got a
shitty end-of-life ahead of him. Never even knowing the joys of sports
drinks and sports drinks marketed as health drinks.
Aren't all sports drinks marketed as health drinks.
In terms of this will help you do sports! I guess they are. I
was thinking about people who are anti-immigration and are either not racist, or
more likely, not conscious of their own racism, and struggle to imagine their
thought process. There's a new person here! Oh no! This
will negatively effect my life somehow! And they might even have children.
How horrible! Don't get it. Also, the trope that they're taking
our jobs doesn't make sense. First of all, sure people use that talking
point, but now that I think about it, I've never heard Donald Trump say it when
he talks about immigration. Maybe he does here and there, but it's usually
they're criminals, they're bringing drugs, gangs, they're gonna rape your
family, terrorists, etc. Doesn't even bother to pretend they're gonna
take your job. Also, obviously, they're not gonna take your job.
They're gonna do jobs you don't wanna do. Also, isn't unemployment crazy
low these days? You have a job! What do you thinks gonna happen,
they're gonna fire you and replace you with an immigrant? Never gonna
happen! Your employer is probably as racist as you are and has no
incentive to do that!
Anyway. I was thinking about Cain and Abel, and whoever
wrote the bible (God?) was really fucked up. It only took getting to the
second make believe story when the author was like well it's time to
introduce murder into the mix. Only took humans 2 generations-- the
third or fourth person ever-- to decide you know what, murdering my brother
seems like a good idea. What does that say about the writer's
impression of who we are as people? Maybe the point was you need God or
else you'll be so devoid of humanity you'll be fine with murdering people.
But Cain had God. Way more than we do! God talked to him all the
time. Still didn't stop him from murdering. If anything, it's an
indictment of God. When God's your best friend, makes you wanna
murder people! Now that I think about it, that sentence does sort of
sum up much of organized religion throughout history. So it does seem
kind of insightful. Also-- don't eat apples! But I
thought they were healthy. Yup-- they will give you super powers--
but don't eat 'em! Then why did you make them in the first place.
I don't have to explain myself to you!
The point is I got frozen pizza that tastes great for
lunch. Just try and stop me from eating frozen pizza! I hope this
frozen pizza gives me super powers. Probably not, though-- no higher
power ever told me to lay off the frozen pizzas. If they were special,
someone would have warned me not to indulge. I bet in the future people
will consider Christianity, Judaism, etc in the same way we think of comic books
now. There's the Marvel universe, there's the DC Universe, there's the
Judeo-Christian universe. Is the Koran considered canon? Big
debate over that one. Anyway. About 2/3rds into Jeff Tweedy book
now. Talks a lot about song writing and it makes me wanna get back into
it. Unfortunately, I'm either un-clinically extremely lazy or lightly
suffer from some sort of ADD where it's hard for me to start a new project.
My Doctor has prescribed me with Ritalin for the last few years, but I'm not
sure if that means I legitimately have ADD or I just felt like I wanted Ritalin
at some point and convinced him to start giving me some.
How come God never talks about himself in the bible?
It's all you humans do this, you humans do that. No one ever went
hey what's it like to be God? Looks like you can use a friend.
And God is like man it's lonely. No other Gods... as far as you know.
Whoops I said too much. See, this is why I don't open up to people!
The point is God is apparently some kind of sick control freak with anti-social
tendencies and an appetite for revenge and causing suffering. Well, this
entry has been a laugh riot so far. Anyway. What paragraph are we
into. I'm gonna guess 5. I was right! I saw a summary
of a clip of Donald Trump on Howard Stern a decade ago where Stern asks Trump 17
x 6 and Trump couldn't figure it out and apparently insisted his wrong answer
was correct. So, naturally, I decided to see how quickly I could figure
out 17 x 6. Took about 10 seconds. Hmm, 17 x 3... 17 x 2 is 34, +
17, 51, times 2, 102. Then later I realized an even easier way of
doing it! 6 x 10 is 60, 6 x 7 is 42, 102. The point is I'm an
even stabler genuiser!
Imagine the mental illness to insist that your wrong answer
in math is correct. There's no room for interpretation.
There's no way you get to make up your own math. It's insane.
Anyway. I started doing sit ups with the idea that it might reduce my
belly fat, but it turns out, maybe it does, but it also increases the mass
around my belly-- probably muscle mass. So my belly may even be slightly
bigger now compared to 2 months ago. And, even if it's muscle, still not
what I wanted. Still gonna do sit-ups though! I'm pot committed at
this point. I like how criticizing Israel's current government is
anti-Semitic, but considering Christianity as the one and only true religion and
all others are inferior and must be discouraged is A-okay. It's almost
like they don't know what anti-Semitism is. Well, it's more like they do
know what anti-Semitism is, and are, "gaslighting" us. I learned that term
a few months ago. I don't like it. I feel like tricking us into
using the phrase, "gaslighting," is in and of itself gaslighting us. I
ain't buying into your new word bullshit! Also, gaslighting sounds
dangerous. Wouldn't that cause an explosion?
I guess it depends on the gas. Oh well. What else
is going on. Seventh paragraph. Morning entry today! Going
great, just great. Anyway, now that I have some more perspective, I
realize the pilot I was working on a few months ago was going nowhere. And
the movie idea I was working on a few weeks ago was going nowhere. And the
life I've been living for the past 30 years has been going nowhere.
Oh well, such is life. Oh man, when I die, God is gonna be pissed about
this entry! Hey, man... read your blog post about me.
Whassup with that? Look, I'm all forgiving, but still-- you're a jerk.
Purgatory for 4 million years! Anyway, that's the good part about
Manafort getting an extremely light prison sentence. It'll encourage him
to feel no remorse and never take responsibility for his sins, which he might
have been forced to do if he spent the rest of his life in jail-- so now he's
going to Hell! So that's fun.
At this point, using the phrase Go to Hell is more
passive-aggressive than anything, but that's a fucked up thing to wish on
someone. You pissing me off slightly makes me wish you suffer
for all of eternity. Not like saying Go fuck yourself.
Now that sounds fun! I'd be happy to do that! Unless it's
Go fuck yourself for all of eternity. That sounds like it would get
tedious and probably very painful after the first two or three times.
Assuming we don't get breaks. Anyway, what the what, midway through the
eighth paragraph. Doing pretty good in poker. Up about 200 dollars
from what I deposited a few weeks ago. We'll see how long that lasts.
Also, the only way to withdraw money is through bitcoin. It's probably
safe-- it is a pretty big thing-- but I still don't like it.
I like how by the time Manafort gets out, there's a chance
Trump will still be president, so he can just go back to committing crimes for
him. There's some perspective for ya. A lot of Manafort's
crimes weren't for Trump. But some probably were, right? I feel like
most of his crimes, based on the very little I know, were for himself, though.
Mutually beneficial, possibly, lets say. Anyway, what else is going on.
Here comes the story of the Manafort. His time in jail sure will be short.
For things he unremorsefully did, his ill gotten money was hid, but now he pays
the price, after four years he'll have an extravagant and easy rest of his life.
I don't know, something like that.
10th paragraph! That's right-- there's more
paragraphs now that Donald Trump can count to! He only ever made it
as far as 9. After that, there's two digits, who can figure that riddle
out. Figure I'll have lunch in about two hours. I had the very rare
snack in-between breakfast and lunch today. Hardly ever happens. I'm
comfortable with my dietary choices, though. No remorse here!
Lotta talk about remorse this entry. Oh well, what can ya do.
Started smoking Parliaments again. It'd been years since I got those.
I like it! It's like a cigarette but you hardly taste anything so it's all
lunch cancer without any of the reward! That'll teach my lungs whose boss.
I like the show Who's The Boss? My guess is either the executive
producer or maybe the liaison with the studio. That's my impression of how
Anyway. If we outlaw financial crimes that
amount to treason, then only outlaws will commit financial crimes that amount to
treason! The only way to stop an outlaw committing financial crimes that
amount to treason is a good guy committing financial crimes that amount to
treason. That's my takeaway from this episode. Oh well.
There is a small chance that, if people remember this episode, there might be
judges across the country who think well this asshole got only four years,
maybe I won't be so hard on this poor guy who committed some relatively
harmless crime and give him a more of a light sentence than I would have in the
past, too. I'm not saying the majority of judges will act that way.
But isn't there a chance that it'll effect 5% of judges? And have an
influence in maybe 5% of the cases they decide? So maybe, in a small way,
it'll pay off somehow. I have to entertain that thought to keep
from going insane.
Or maybe it goes the other way and just reinforces the
differences in consequences between white/wealthy criminals and minority/poor
criminals. Judges see this as a benchmark and just follow it. It
could go that way, too! Now that I think about it, that seems more
likely. Hey we can really get away with being overt about our
prejudices and politics! Even more than I thought we could! Who
knew! What the fruck. Anyway, what else is going on. 12th
paragraph! Anyway. Instead of fretting over this supposed
anti-Semitism conflict within the Democratic party, and worrying and speculating
about how its tearing the party about, let's just have a dialogue about the
substance of where people are disagreeing? Try to remove emotion from it
and have an informed and honest discussion about where you're coming from.
Turn it into a good thing. Nah that could never happen, what am I
I don't know. I also don't get the debate over
Democrats not hosting a primary debate on Fox News. Fox News is not a news
organization. It's viewers have no interest in supporting Democrats, and
Fox News has no interest in encouraging them to think about supporting any
Democrat. What's the debate? Anyway. Lunch in about an hour 45
minutes. The question at this point is will I finish the entry before
then, or write a few more paragraphs afterwards. Right now I have no idea.
Well, I have some idea. I know it will be one of those two things.
That's a pretty good idea, having narrowed it down to only two options.
Wonderful. I'm a man of ideas! Who knew. Went to the bakery this
morning. Those jerks didn't have any black and whites, but they did have
those cookies with the chocolate dot in the middle. So it wasn't a total
What the what the what. I had my brother take a picture
of me so I could update my Facebook profile, and I hadn't realized that the
direction I was combing (well, hand-combing. No comb, just using my hand
to brush it to that side) was the opposite of the way I always imagined it.
I know how mirrors work-- really, I do-- but every time I looked in the mirror
and brushed the hair to one direction, I never put together that in real life,
its the opposite direction. Sorta blew my mind and I don't know how to
feel about it. The way my hair is cut, I have to put it to that
direction-- putting it to the other direction wouldn't be analogous and look
different. But, still, I want the mirror image more! Oh well, such
is life I guess.
Anyway. I've had it up to here with The Talk!
They're not interested in having an honest discussion of the real issues.
They just pander to their audience! So now my two hour block of watching
CBS from 2-4 is no longer. Still gonna watch Dr. Phil, though! I
always thought of Dr. Phil as a punch line who probably wasn't a real doctor and
all that stuff. But I like his show! This guy gets it! He's
talking about the real issues in an honest way and never panders to his
audience! Someone give this guy a Nobel peace prize! Pretty sure
it's spelled, "Noble." Wait, do you think it's called the Noble
Peace Prize? And they give it to people who are noble? Yeah
that's what I thought. Me, the italics guy. I'm a real person.
So that paragraph happened. Dr. Phil may not be
extraordinarily noble, but he is, "No-Bull." That's pretty much his whole
persona, honestly. Bull referring to bullshit. Ever hear of
that expression? So that worked out. Gonna have a double hot dog
with 5 chicken nuggets for lunch. Somehow you can buy Hebrew National hot
dogs that are so low in fat, they're only 45 calories. Put two of them
with a 70 calorie slice of white bread, you get a low calorie double hot dog.
Just bought some frozen chicken nuggets that are really low calorie.
Haven't had them before, so we'll see how it turns out! If I knew someone
named Valerie, who had an eating disorder, I'd mock her by chanting Valerie
counts calories! You guys know anyone named Valerie? Who has an
eating disorder? And deserves to be mocked for some reason? What
are the odds of hitting that trifecta. Really low. Still figured I'd
put it out there, though.
I have a question for black people. If I said to
you, Hey, what's up my N-word! would you (A) laugh, (B) beat me up, (C)
none of the above, (D) all of the above. Wasn't sure if I should put
that, "joke," up. Kinda implies that my subconscious wishes I could
use the N-word [even in thinly veiled code], or I feel like I'm entitled to use
it, or that I think it's some kind of joke. So, with all those
reservations, I just decided to use that joke as an opening up of a dialogue
where I'm open about my unconscious tendencies towards conceptualizing race
issues. With all that introspection, though, it does kind of form
an answer to the joke-question, though. So it paid off in the long run.
Also, why would my mind go to, "Beat Me Up" instead of just saying, "Be truly
offended?" I guess I'll have to do some more thinking on it.
18th paragraph. How about that. I like smoking
Parliaments because it makes me feel like I'm part of some noble society having
substantive debates and working for the people. That's what a parliament
is, right? Now I'm part of that community. By smoking the probably
randomly named cigarettes. So I got that going for me. And you
all thought I wouldn't amount to anything! Well, the name of the
cancer sticks I'm smoking tell a different story! Wonderful.
Lunch in an hour and 15 minutes! I'm wearing a new pair of pants for the
first time in, what, I don't know, six months? Literally wore the same
pair of jeans for 6 months straight. They might have been washed a couple
of times, but I never missed a day. Today, just put on a pair of what I
believe are called khakis. They're beige colored, which to me, implies
khaki. Apparently internet says khaki is the color, not a kind
of pant. Well, I'm glad I opened up this dialogue about pants and now
we are all wiser because of it.
19th paragraph-- lets aim for 25. Seems about right.
Hey, I saw Patton Oswalt! Nothing quite groundbreaking in his set, but I
left the theater happy and having laughed a lot and just in a good mood.
That's my first experience seeing a professional straight-up comedian and it
turns out it's a fun, light experience! Whouda guessed! Maybe I
would have found it more groundbreaking if I too was 50 years old with a wife
and kids and successful and rewarding career. As opposed to the punk kid I
am inside. And outside. And in-between inside and outside,
one would imagine. I also really liked me and my brothers seats. We
were literally in the last row, in the seats all the way most to the left, and
it was on a balcony, so I felt like those two balcony Muppet Show guys!
Wow. Magical. Anyway, six more paragraphs
theoretically. Well, I only felt like one of those two
balcony Muppet Show guys. There was no thought process in my brain
where I was experiencing multiple personalities while watching the show and
identified as two completely separate people. Probably not, at least.
If I did, it didn't really register so much. Anyway, no alcohol this
entry! I've found that usually makes the entries better, but sometimes
promising myself alcohol in advance of entry makes it more appealing to actually
sit down and write an entry. And actually drinking during the entry does
loosen my inhibitions a bit and makes it, maybe not a more enjoyable experience
necessarily, but just a different kind of experience.
Wow. Magical. Anyway, the guy I
voted for NYC Public Advocate won! I just went with the guy my Dad was
voting for, based on the NYTimes recommendation and his Union endorsing him.
Figured that was easier than learning about any alternative. Also, he was
probably the front runner in a race with a dozen different viable candidates,
but with only one Republican, so there was some thought put in to vote for the
most likely Democrat just to make sure the Republican didn't win. Also, I
was vaguely familiar with him because he ran for Lieutenant Governor last year
and seemed like a really good candidate based on whatever information I was
paying attention to at the time. Who can remember. That was last
year! It's a new year! Each year my memory is like the security
tapes at convenience stores. Just erase the last year to make room for
taping the new year. That way, if anybody robs my brain, I can save the
tape, but otherwise, no wasted video cassettes.
Wowmagical. Four paragraphs to go! And
lunch is in 45 minutes! It's gonna be a real race to the finish.
Almost always, maybe always, the entry starts taking longer and longer to write
as it goes on. That's probably intuitive to assume, but I guess it's not
necessarily the case. First paragraphs are easy, and then after a while
each passing paragraph, for the most part, takes a little bit longer.
Obviously with micro-variations. That's pretty much due to the nature of
the content, I guess. Being off the top-of-my-dome as it is.
Although lately, and by lately I mean a year or more, I do usually have a couple
of save-em-ups, which usually show up early in the entry, which makes it go even
quicker I guess. Whatta fascinating paragraph. You should write a
book. About something. Not sure what. Definitely not this,
though. That'd be a snoozefest.
I guess. I watched Roma. Man that was a great
movie. Not a lot happened plot-wise [I assume-- was only half paying
attention to the subtitles so I was kind of filling in the blanks myself-- and
there weren't too many blanks-- in my opinion-- more hyphens!] but it was so
well done and made ya think about lots of different things. Mainly--
really? Green Book? That's where we're at? I haven't seen
it yet but unless it has a great soundtrack that grounds the movie's tone and
plot, I'm not counting on it being anything special. Alright looks like
I'll pretty much finish this entry and then have lunch. It's been a
productive morning/early afternoon and I think I can feel good about that.
That being said, more bullshit. I've smoked tens
of thousands of Newports, and never, not once since the first cigarette, has any
purported port became new in any way. The first one, was. I'll give
them that. Since then it's been sameport, am I right, ladies?
Fellas? Let's get the fellas in on this discussion too, not sure why I
only asked ladies to begin with in the first place. I saw New York is
raising the smoking age to 21. I have mixed feelings about this in terms
of part of me doesn't give a shit and another part of me realizes it's a
consequential action that will effect many people but I still don't really give
a shit, either because it doesn't effect me, or I don't have a strong enough
opinion one way or the other because I can see both sides of the argument.
The feelings are tearing me apart!
Last paragraph! We made it. You and I,
together. What else is going on in the wide world of sports. I don't
know, you tell me. It's all been me talking and you listening. It's
a real Man & God relationship we have! In the sense that I'm A Man and You
Don't Exist. Anyway, what's up for the rest of the day. Lots of
bullshit, I guess. I wonder what kind of news will break over the next
week that'll piss me off enough to rant about in the next entry.
Will Republicans declare a national holiday honoring Trump? Will something
consequential happen that is concretely bad for people other than just pissing
people off by reinforcing the cult of Trump indirectly or metaphorically?
That sounds worse! Oh well, that can't happen, right? Let's hope
not! I'll see ya later!
Friday, March 1, 2019
Titles Be Worthwhile!
I suppose. A lot of poses for selfies
are 'Sup?' poses. Well, that crap that starts the entry on a road,
a terrible terrible road. Hey it's Friday! The one question on
everybody's mind for this entry is will I be able to maintain my progress in not
capitalizing words or phrases incorrectly. If I stick to putting them
in bold instead, I may just be able to pull it off! Went to my physician
for a check up yesterday. Everything's fine as far as I can tell.
There was the moment when the doctor started crying and said why would
god let this happen to someone so young? and it was preceded by and followed
up by a bunch of mumbo jumbo doctor jargon, didn't really register what was
being said. But I'm pretty sure I'm as healthy as a Trump! That's a
good phrase to catch on. Healthy as a Trump. Which means I
am not healthy, but through the power of positive thinking, I will try to
convince people and hopefully even my body that I am. Also, I closed
my eyes while they were checking my weight. I'm no fool-- I don't wanna be
upset that I'm a few pounds heavier than I wanna be! Best to not know at
all. Kind of a healthy as a Trump way to approach my weight.
Anyway. Got a 24 oz can of beer to drink this afternoon
a little bit later. That'll shut 'em up! Shut who up?
You know-- 'Em! I find Em [E Minor] to be the most
emotional chord. Really. It's just a happy coincidence that it's the
first two letters of emotional. Sometimes the universe just
works out sometimes. I also find that A Minor is who I am. Also,
F#. Sure is an F#. Huh? It's a music thing, you
wouldn't understand! Shows on Comedy Central have become my routine for
late morning. Wake up at around 8:15, 8:30. Eat breakfast, play
poker for an hour, take a walk, come back and have Comedy Central in the
background for a few hours. They show Futurama, That 70's Show, and
lately, King of the Hill. It truly is the best life one can possibly live.
I find it odd that the protagonist's domicile isn't on top of
a hill. I've seen his house compared to his neighbor's house, and it's all
on a steady level. I know the phrase king of the hill means someone
in charge or successful, but if you were actually calling yourself king of
the hill, people would be like, what's this guy's problem, he thinks he's
in charge of some hill? Nobody is challenging that, hills are relatively
unimportant and being king of a hill seems like a ceremonial title at best.
Plus, nobody ever agreed he was king of the hill, he's just saying it himself.
But who cares about some hill anyway really. This guy is delusional about
his purported authority and we better steer clear of him.
Recorded a demo version of a new song, but it was very
much not the best version I can do, so I'll have to redo it completely.
Most of the songs I've made the last period of times I was making songs
(2014-2015) were just the first and only time I tried to make them, and they
turned out more or less okay, but now my musical instincts this time
around aren't as great. So I might have to try doing the songs several
times to get a version that's relatively passable. So I got that going for
me is the point. Also, the new 8 Track Recorder I got has a bunch of
guitar sounds and whatnot that sound good to me, and I have a hard time picking
the best one for any given song. It all sounds good, who can choose!
But I know deep down that there's one right way to do it, and all I can do is
hope that my musical instincts help me pick that one intuitively.
Alright, I got a couple of mediocre save-em-ups to blow
through quickly. I was thinking about how expensive NYU was, between
tuition and housing. Checking online, now it's up to 33K per semester.
So you have to be smart to get into a really expensive college, and you have to
be stupid to pay that much to go there. Save em up. A
combination of a fairly jokingly tone and a comment on expensive colleges.
Good! Another save-em-up. I may have came close to this save-em-up
in a previous entry, but now the insight is more fleshed out. Christians
adopting the cross to be their own symbol (after their savior was crucified on
one) is not unlike black people re-appropriating the n-word. In both
cases, they take a symbol of their own oppression and make it into a symbol of
their own autonomy/power. Right? That's an insight, right?
Sure, sure it is. I know the comparison isn't 100% correct. Using
the n-word is more colloquial and I don't think black people would be
comfortable with it being a sign of their identity to the world. In fact,
I kind of know they wouldn't be. But the basic point is an insight-em-up!
Another comment/joke/insight-em-up. Dinosaurs partly
went instinct because of climate change. The asteroid that hit the Earth,
possibly combined with lots of terrestrial stuff such as volcanoes (I think) and
other stuff, changed the temperature of the world up to the point it caused mass
extinction. Now, our world's climate is changing. Largely because
we're burning dinosaurs. Kinda seems like the perfect fitting revenge
for dinosaurs. We've all seen Jurassic Park, but who would have thought
the dinosaurs would get the last laugh in real life? Insight-em-up!
Two more insight-em-ups. One to finish this paragraph, one to start the
next one. I was thinking about my sanity, especially in regards to my
project that is crazy-sheet. What with the cocktail of medications I'm on,
I'm actually insanely sane. In fact, I'm the sanest guy I know.
Granted, I'm the only guy I know. I had that tag saved up!
Anyway. I kind of like the very crowded field of
Democratic candidates for 2020. For the most part, every candidate has
some sort of redeeming quality, and they form a super-team of different policy,
character, and social ideals that we should strive for. Everyone brings
something specific to the table, and when you combine them all, we got a lot of
interesting bases covered that makes ya feel good about the future. Also,
it's worth noting, the people who don't get to be president still have a
future in politics. It's not like they're just gonna go away. So
we all gotta realize we're gonna be working together for a long, long time.
So let's try to see things positively like that, right? I'm not saying
everyone's perfect. I'm not even saying everyone's good outweighs their
bad. But I am saying we should try to encourage and appreciate the best
each person has to offer. Now that's what I call an insight-em-up.
Think that's all the things I had saved-em-upped.
Thinking about that narrative, it's intuitive to think that the candidate that
convinces voters I Am The Best Candidate To Bring The Party Together!
might have a winning message. But, in my opinion, the narrative of I
Will Represent The Absolute Best This Party/Country Has To Offer, And Am Most
Qualified To Lead The Way! is even better. Well, I just figured out
the next year and a half in Democratic Politics. That's a relief.
Now we can get to what really matters-- other stuff. What else is going
on. What paragraph are we into. Eighth. How about that.
And we're a sentence or two away from the ninth! Even better! Gonna
eat lunch in an hour. Drink a the smallest amount of moderate amount of
beer that can be after that. Seeing Patton Oswalt on Sunday. That's
Wonderful! Finally, my smallest shirts fit me once
again. It's like a homecoming. A clothing homecoming. What
exactly is a homecoming, really. When you come home. Doesn't
take a genius to figure that one out. So it turns out Trump is a criminal
and we have proof and what are we waiting for let's impeach him. I'm
relatively fine with Mike Pence for a year and a half. Sure, he's probably
committed criminal offenses too, mostly probably as an accessory, but I don't
see a universe where Nancy Pelosi becomes president. So the point is
lets live with Mike Pence for a year and a half. What else is going
Tenth paragraph! Got some money on poker. In
fact, I'm up 70 dollars from the amount I recently deposited! Which means
I'm only down roughly 500 dollars over the past two or three years!
Alright, I'm gonna take a break. Will resume after lunch. See ya
Hey I'm back! This
still counts as the 10th paragraph, though! That's the important part.
Pretty much aiming for 20 paragraphs, I guess, at this point. Let's get
into some goofballs and shenanigans. Uppin' my Vitamin Water Zero game.
Get a clean 7 of them from the supermarket now. Supermarket is gotten
every week. I got a whole vitamin water zero every day of the week.
The point is its good to be king of the hill. Jack and Jill went up the
hill. Jill became queen of the hill. Jack went tumbling after.
What else is going on. Were Jack and Jill attracted to each other because
both their names started with, "J?" Is this a, "Call Me By Your Name,"
scenario? Note-- I never saw that movie and am just guessing as to its
Started a new note pad the last week or two. Of
course I carry around a pocket notebook everywhere I go, and the last one was
started about a year ago, and was only about 75% full, but it was starting to
come apart so rather than have it come apart completely over the next few
months, I just started a new one! Alright! Approximately 60% of
the notes are short phrases which can be song titles. Or, at the very
least, lyrics. They don't rhyme-- yet! But my musical instincts will
take care of that problem. Sometimes I think about how lucky I am to have
settled on an artist title, The Uppers, for the last few years and the immediate
forseeable future. So much wasted man hours for people trying to come up
with a band name. It consumes so many musicians, taking up their time and
driving them mad. Not me! I've settled for a mediocre title and it
Although, to be honest, starting a new round of music, I have
been thinking, Yeah, that was a good artist title for a few years-- maybe
it's time I adapt a new musical persona artist title thing. We'll see
how that goes. It will drive me mad trying to come up with one, though.
So that's the negative part of that whole deal. I could just resort to
Michael Kornblum. Man, if I had a nickel every time I heard that.
I was thinking it should be a thing where, instead of rolling up quarters and
other coins to take to the bank, just put 'em all in a shopping bag and drop it
off at some homeless shelter or charity or something. You get to save
time, you get to give charity, and they're presumably happy to have it, and now
its their problem to roll 'em up. I don't know where any homeless
shelters are, though. So there goes that idea!
You could just go out looking for a homeless guy and give
him a bag of quarters. I like the idea that they would be spread out over
a larger population of people, though. You give a homeless guy 200
quarters, he's just gonna go, Finally! Arcade, here I come! I'm
gonna play Cruisin' USA for two weeks straight! And that's good for
the arcade, and for the guy playing Cruisin' USA or NFL Blitz for two weeks, but
it doesn't really solve any societal or personal problems. The point is
you can't trust the impoverished to not spend all their money on video games.
Also, sure my arcade game references are two decades old. Because that was
the last time I was in an arcade. I don't know what kind of crazy video
games they have now.
Anyway. In an ideal world, it would also be a thing
where you can give all your receipts accumulated from years of iced coffee to a
homeless shelter, and let them itemize it. Not sure how that would
benefit anyone, though. They can distribute the receipts to
homeless people and have them each fill out a survey online and get a free donut
with purchase of something else! The only negative thing is
they can't afford something else. But at least they get to fill out
surveys! That'll help re-acclimate them into society and give them
valuable consumer survey taking skills that will help them get jobs potentially.
So, sure, there's that. 15th paragraph. If we're
going with multiples of fives, 25 paragraphs is somewhat possible. Great!
Figure I'm about a month away from maintenance diet. Man, I'm
gonna eat so many small healthy snacks. No more one snack between
lunch and dinner, and one after dinner! We're talking two
snacks between lunch and dinner! And one slightly larger snack after
dinner! No more, I wanna eat a banana but not enough time has
passed from lunch to dinner. I'm just gonna go, you know what?
Been half an hour since lunch-- I'M GONNA HAVE A BANANA. I CAN HAVE A
FIBER ONE BAR IN TWO HOURS ANYWAY! HAHAHAHAH! The point is snacks will
drive me mad but it'll be worth it in the end because I'll... well... trust me,
it pays off somehow.
Jeez. I want to start a search engine called AskJeez
and after a search it just shows the message Meh. You don't wanna know
about that. Then you type in another thing and it goes Nah, that's
a waste of time, too. Then you type in another query and it goes
Haven't you gotten the idea yet, nothing on the internet matters!
Unless you have a 3-d printer. Then you can make it matter!
Not 100% sure what a 3-d printer is. But pretty sure it makes computer
things matter. The only negative thing is they don't have energy flavored
vitamin water at the supermarket. Gonna write a strongly worded letter to
someone about that. And by strongly worded, I mean it will have a robust
vocabulary. It'll be very respectful, though.
Hey I'm pretty sure Trump is a racist.
Word. I said, I'm pretty sure Trump is a racist!
There we go, strongly worded.
I don't trust the internet on a lot of things, but when I read on the internet
that pancakes are more or less the same amount of calories whether they're
plain, or have blueberries, or chocolate chips, I know for sure the internet
has no credibility. No difference with chocolate chips? What kind of
idiot do you take me for? How dare you insult my intelligence with such a
blatant lie. I'm gonna write a strongly worded letter to someone about
18th paragraph. What the what! Ended up not going to
the anti-Trump rally a few weeks ago. Lost my chance to visit the place
I'd been doing open mics one last time before they changed ownership and
presumably shut down the live music aspect of the place. But I have
been checking DoorDash five times a day to see if they added any new
restaurants! So my time hasn't been totally wasted. I
wonder if DoorDash is trying to subtly imply how cheap it is by calling to mind
the scheme of dine-and-dash where you dine and then dash before paying
for your dining. Also, trying to capitalize on the popularity of doors.
Hmm, a food delivery place, I don't know. Doors may be involved.
Now we're talking, alright, I'm sold!
Okay. Commercial idea for DoorDash-- montage of
empty restaurants with This Is The End playing, and then at the end you
see someone come to someone's front door with a delivery, and the delivery guy
and the customer are both ecstatic, and then it shows the phrase This Isn't
The End. This Is Just The Beginning. Anyway, what else is going
on. Maybe the delivery guy isn't ecstatic. He's somewhat
pleased and proud to be providing a valuable service, and the guy answering the
door, he's ecstatic. The delivery guy being ecstatic, not sure that'll
play. I don't want my delivery people to be too happy.
Something'll seem off.
20th paragraph! The point is sure I'm playing at higher
stakes on poker than I should be what am I supposed to do play at lower stakes
I'll get bored. Playing at reasonable stakes, all it takes is one moment
of might as well play at the next level stakes for half an hour, no damage
done there. Then, after that half hour, you go I can't go back to
the lower stakes, I'll be bored! One moment of weakness and it's
impossible to go back. There's a lesson in there but I'm too lazy to
figure out what it is. I know Bruno Mars wrote The Lazy Song but a
lot of hard work and effort probably went into making it the best possible song
it could be. So the point is false advertising. Which is
pretty much 90% of advertising. Not a lot of advertising that goes this
is a mediocre product what are ya gonna do might as well buy it anyway.
Hey 21st paragraph. Aiming for 25. Just try to
stop me! Actually, don't. That would be scary especially
considering you haven't even read it yet while I'm typing this! Trying to
eat and live healthy is at odds with me smoking cigarettes because I have to
constantly come to terms with this can't be very healthy. The
difference between eating an apple instead of a cookie one time, as compared to
just having one cigarette, the one cigarette has got to be 10x as bad for you as
the cookie would be, right? For every apple I eat, one cigarette does 10x
the damage as I'm protecting myself from in diet. Oh well, what can you
do. Cigarettes are a necessary part of me being an adult. Prove
Hey 22nd paragraph now. How about that. I
find it amusing that there are some places you can get on DoorDash that seem
like they would have absolutely zero appeal. Hooters. Why get it
delivered? The point is to be around young, attractive women. Chuck
E. Cheeses. Not exactly the highest quality pizza, why bother. They
even have Movie Munchies, which I think is, they just go to some movie
theater, and you can order the candy or popcorn from the movie theater!
It's weird! How is Hooters still in business these days.
Seems like a lawsuit waiting to happen. How are movie theaters
still in business these days. Doesn't Netflix own the rights to
movies, now? Not the right to show individual movies. The right to
movies in total.
I don't know. Who does know? Some other guy,
probably. Also, how are ice cream stores still in business? Carvel.
Seems like an extremely niche customer base. It's only people, over the
entire day, who want ice cream but don't want to go to the supermarket.
How many people want to go out for ice cream over a 24 hour period? I
don't know, something's fishy. Pretty sure Carvels are all just money
laundering operations, that'd be my guess. I want to make a movie called
Call Me By My Name and the first critic to have the entirety of their review
be Well That Seems Appropriate wins a prize. Maybe go for 30
paragraphs. Still a multiple of five.
Awesome! Been drinking my 25oz beer over the 2nd
phase of the entry. Should be finished in a couple of paragraphs.
Perfect, just perfect. Arcades must be terrible for the environment, what
with all those tickets. How many trees have you killed today? Hope
the Green New Deal addresses that. I saw an article that said there's a
small chance that, if we keep burning fossil fuels and whatnot, clouds will
disappear and Earth will turn into a total Hellish wasteland where nothing can
survive. Gotta look at the glass-is-half-full, though. No more
clouds. People with Seasonal Affective Disorder will be psyched!
Sure I know SAD probably doesn't have to do with clouds. But clouds are
metaphorically making people sad, it's a trope, look it up. SAD is
similar. Get off my back about it, okay?
Let's say 6 more paragraphs, let's go with that. I
would think clouds would make people happy. They're like ephemeral pillows
in the sky that keep us cool. Who doesn't love that? I don't
think I meant the word ephemeral, but it sounds right, and, looking it up, it
still makes sense in that context. What word did I mean to use?
E-mail me at email@example.com and
the right answer will get you... something! You want some quarters?
We'll find a public place to meet up and I'll give you some quarters.
Don't spend them all in one arcade, though! There are many arcades that
these days more than ever need your patronage!
Cool. I've been thinking about getting off of
Facebook completely. It pretty much serves no purpose for me other than
giving me a place to go New Entry At crazysheet.net! Is It Good?
No, Probably Not! once a week. Hmm, good Facebook status for when I
post this entry. What else is going on. Whattado with the rest
of my day. I finally started reading Jeff Tweedy's book. About a
third done with it. Good book! Not The Good Book, but A
Good Book! Anyway. What's The Good Book. Hmm,
what's a good book that I've read that I can use as a reference.
Good... book? Books can be good? Get out of here! Oh, you mean
like novelizations of movies, right? Where the book serves the purpose of
making you want to see the movie? Okay we're on the same page. Lslz
Ugh. Microsoft Frontpage doesn't recognize
Novelization as a word. That shows you their bias on this issue.
Doesn't even recognize Frontpage as a word. That shows you their own
insecurity and self doubt. It does recognize FrontPage, though, with
the, "P" capitalized. That shows you that they take their Pagement
seriously and you better as well. I don't know. This is what happens
when you go past 25 paragraphs! Such is life. Three more paragraphs
after this one. Let's do it to it. Gonna have a snack when this is
over. 40% of one chocolate chip pancake. That's a fuckin' weird
and specific snack. Well, I get three pancakes from the diner.
Split it into two breakfasts. This time, the pancakes were a bit larger.
Had a little under 1 and 1/3 for breakfast. That leaves 40% of a pancake
over. So I'll eat it as a snack. Get off my back about it!
Penpen. Let's see, what else do I got in the tank.
Bryce Harper signed with the Phillies. His contract goes into the 2030's.
That doesn't sound right. It doesn't feel right. I don't like it one
bit. The 2030's? I don't wanna live in that post-apocalyptic
hellscape dystopia. Where professional baseball is still going on for
some reason. This keeps getting worse and worse! Jeez.
Philadelphia seems like a strange place to choose to go to work in.
Philadelphia is a fine place to live if you're from Philadelphia, but for
everyone else, it's like, I don't think I wanna do that. Apparently
Cuomo is trying to beg Amazon to come back. That's right-- now we
have all the leverage. Begging! They're bound to make a better deal
with us now!
What else. I wonder if DoorDash added any
restaurants in the last three hours. Also, I need to check the caloric
content of what I'm gonna eat for dinner to see if the internet has updated
itself with a new, more accurate estimation of the calorie content of things.
I started adding calories to the estimate when I get stuff from fast food
places. I don't trust that they're telling me the truth about themselves.
I want to be able to trust them, but I've been hurt so many times and I just
feel like every restaurant in the world is lying to me. The point is
sure I watched Wayne's World II a month or so back. What am I supposed
to do, not watch Wayne's World II? That makes no sense.
Last paragraph! Wonderful. There was some
stuff I could 110% relate to in Jeff Tweedy's book, and some stuff I couldn't
relate to at all. Not a lot of middle ground. Either 110% on board,
or it's something totally foreign to me. Actually, there was a lot of
middle ground. So the point of this paragraph so far has been I
read a book where I could relate to some things, not to other things, and
somewhat still still to a third group of things. Fascinating. I
don't know. It's March. We got that collectively going for us.
I've been keeping my electric guitar in its case since I got it totally cleaned
up and fixed about two years back, but it kind of sucks. It really does
reduce the amount of time I play it. If I just had it leaning against the
wall, no case, I'd pick it up and play it all the time. In the case, why
bother. But I can't let it get dirty again. The Guitar Guy shamed me
enough the first time! I'll see ya later.