Saturday, June 29, 2019
Nope, Pretty Sure That's Not What I Look or Sound Like
Hey I just got the video of my
performance! Didn't watch it yet, other than just 2 seconds to make sure
the image and sound works and was downloaded correctly. Not a fan.
You know, of myself? Seems like I'm the kind of guy I wouldn't get along
with. That ain't good. Also, I'm gonna be honest-- I look
like a Bernie Bro. Who could have predicted such a turn of events!!!
While I still think Bernie Sanders would be the best candidate to win the
nomination, I am interested in seeing if there's another candidate who could win
the nomination and thus I would subconsciously have myself, in turn, become the
physical and audible embodiment of their literarily-cliché-supporter.
Something, like a Bernie Bro, that doesn't yet exist in real life, but that I
would somehow figure out how to come to inhabit in our physical realm.
So we got that to look forward to is the point! Anyway,
I guess I'll have to watch this video at some point, but not now! I gotta
stop doing sit ups. I want to be thin, not somewhere between overweight
and somewhat defined chest! Protruding, is the point. Not sure if
its fat or muscle. but there's mass there and I don't want mass. That's no
good in my book. Anyway, what else is going on. Lost all my poker
money! Well, I have 2 and a half dollars left on Sports Betting. Bet
it all on The Mets today. Lets see how that goes. Got chicken pot
pie in the oven. Gonna take that out in about an hour. Spent some
time exercising, watched the first half of Wreck It Ralph: The Squeequal, and
now its time to work on an entry!
Cool. After some deep thinking and meditation, I came
up with a pretty good solution-- stop doing so many sit ups. It's
crazy enough that it just might work! Anyway. Here's a thought--
have you ever been so ashamed of a fart that you had to leave the room before
people put two and two together and figured out it was you? Oh man this
is bad. I only got a couple of seconds to get out of here quick!
I don't know, something along those lines. I'm gonna be honest-- why
would I lie about something so trivial as what I'm about to say-- the first
two paragraphs were written two days ago! I'm talkin' Thursday, June
27, 2019. Those were the days. Well, day. It was
only one day. I crunched the numbers and everything, that's just how it
is. Anyway. Havin' lunch right now. We're talkin' 2
chicken fingers and 7 pieces of sushi. Get off my back about it and
Thinking about adjusting my routine schedule by just
pushing everything back a few hours. Well, pushing some things back
a few hours, and keeping other things at the same time. Wake up at 9 or 10
instead of 6 or 7, and push back Breakfast, Exercise, and Lunch accordingly.
Keep dinner at same time. Push Bedtime back a few hours. It seems
like somethin' to do, sure, why not, isn't that fascinating and whatnot.
Hey I saw Child's Play: The Film yesterday. It was pretty good. Hey
the Democratic debates were this week! I liked the part where I was
registering in real time what the cliché hot takes would be once it was over.
It makes me feel smart to be on the same wavelength as people who all come to
the same obvious conclusions yet for some reason have a platform to amplify
their generic conclusions as if they were insightful! Hey I can do that
too! Wonder if there's a career in that.
Probably! A shitty, shitty career.
What paragraph are we into. Fifth. Wonderful. Starting
to get in the routine of legitimately helping out around the house.
Started slow. Started with taking the garbage out. Then moved to
helping transfer stuff from supermarket into the house. Then actually
going to the supermarket and getting stuff. Then getting the mail, then
doing the dishwasher... the point is I'm getting close to being a legitimate
adult is the point. Also, main responsibilities have been helping my Dad
out as he recovers from surgery, so the point is I'm a great son and a success
because for a few weeks I was able to keep things going briefly until I can pass
the torch back to my parents and get on with my life of laziness and sloth.
Alright! Nothin'! I don't know.
Maybe its about time I watch my comedy set. But I didn't like the way I
looked in those 2 seconds I watched it. Nor the way I sounded. Nor
the way I looked in other respects. Also, my tone of voice to be exact.
Also, just the ways my eyes were. Also, the pitch of that noise coming out
of my mouthhole. Also, whatta waste of space. Also, why I
gotta listen to this bullshit? So the point is what else is going on.
There's a lotta horror movies this year. I saw a Coming Attractions about
it yesterday. So the point is we got that going for us for some reason.
My favorite part about Child's Play was its length. Online it said it was
a clean 1 hour 30 minutes. Wonderful. I got bathroom breaks to do, I
don't wanna watch some crap for 2 hours!!! Get in, get out in 90 minutes,
makes sense to me. Also, hey pretty decent movie I got no complaints.
I don't know. Jeez. My expectations were
tainted going into the movie because I'm pretty sure I read some stuff about how
the people who made the original movies weren't 100% on board with this
re-imagining. So I was like hey I liked them old movies I trust these
jerks who made it this new one is bullshit! Turned out it's Good
Enough and an Appropriate Reboot To Make It Relevant To These Days. So the
point is I don't know 100% what the point is. This is the 7th
paragraph. That's sort of a point. It's a point in the
chronological sequence of paragraphs in this weblog.
Have blogs ever caught on with this current generation?
Obviously we all know htey're addicted to different crazy kinds of social media
and... group...chats... I don't know... but is it a thing where kids in
middle school and high school are all blogging? Cause it was when I was in
high school! Sort of. In my specific high school in that very
specific generation, at least. No one wrote long blogs like me. They
just wrote paragraphs about Stuff I Can't Remember but I remember not liking it
because it heavily implied that the writer has some sort of social circle of
friends who would presumably be reading it and friends were something I
didn't have so fuck these guys and their shitty paragraphs and EMOTICONS.
But Crazysheet probably never would ahve existed if that
scenario hadn't played out. Thank God it did! Because without
crazysheet I might have ended up having a normal, decent, and respectable life.
That sounds horrible. What else is going on. I might be a
Social Studies teacher in Stuyvesant right now. DISGUSTING>
JUST THREW OUT IN Y MOUTH-- SoemTHIN ALNG THOSE LINES. Anyway, I don't
know, what els is going on. Figure I'll take a Walking Break after the
10th paragraph. Come back here after that bullshit is done with.
I've gotten really lazy with holding in farts. My general attitude lately
has just been yeah I'm gonna go for it. I just don't care anymore.
If I'm around people, I'll make an effort to make sure no one hears it,
and ideally it'll happen while I'm in movement so people won't just associate me
with the smell as they might if we were stationary, but in general society is
just gonna have to deal with it.
The point is sure that's relatable right? Anyway,
yesterday marked a clean 13 weeks of no cigarettes. And Internet said 3
months is some sort of milestone in terms of getting over cigarettes healthwise.
So I did that is the point. And you all doubted me! Now whose
laughing. Some sort of laughing guy or something. I don't have
all the details. Well those last four sentences were horrible.
Anyway, jeez, almost time to take a walk! Still haven't shown anyone the
video of me performing, but eventually someone'll watch it, at least my parents,
and I'll be able to determine from their response whether I have to watch it
because it's actually probably pretty decent or if I probably have to watch it
eventually because well I HAVE TO DO IT EVENTUALLY EVEN IF ITS PROBABLY
TERRIBLE. Such is life, right? Sure, I guess. I'll see ya
later. Soon-later. But, still, later.
Don't Look At Me
Why not. I got plenty
of reasons, don't you worry. Lots of reasons not to look at me.
Don't. You. Worry. Anyway, back from my walk! Swonderful.
My favorite part of doing household chores is that there's all sorts of benefits
from being the perpetrator of responsibility. I get the mail? Guess
what-- I get to see what mail there is before anyone else! Get the food
delivery at the door? Fuck you guys, I'm opening up the bags once I place
them on the table! I'm gonna see what food is and isn't correct based on
what we ordered! Basically I guess it just involves me getting things and
then going through them before the other people whose things I'm also getting.
But it just plays out in semi-different scenarios. Mail, food... doin'
the dishes. I get to appreciate how clean the dishes are right after
taking them out of the dishwasher! My Dad or Mom might not even see this
dish until days later when they take it out of the cabinet. And by then,
it doesn't even occur to them that hey this dish is pretty clean.
It occurred to me, though! I made it like that!
Cooool. 12th paragraph. Figure somewhere between
15 and 20 for today. I guess. I started chewing peppermint flavored
gum primarily because last Christmas, about half a year ago (do the math
yourself-- it checks out!) I had a candy cane and I was like man I want more
of this! But it was already past Christmas and you couldn't get candy
cane anywhere. Figured out Candy Cane Flavor is just pretty much
peppermint. So you get peppermint gum? That's like chewing Candy
Cane! Sure why not! Pretty sure this entry won't go much past 15
paragraphs. I already am sick of this! But there's no great
alternative. It's just either This or Lie In Bed. Man that sounds
like it would hit the spot right about now. Lyin' in bed. II've
been hard at work today! I had to unload the dishwasher earlier!
That took a solid 10 minutes! And don't even get me started on having to
get the mail soon! It'll take over a minute! And sure I get to walk
outside for 1 minute which I like but it's still doing something nice for the
other people in my life which I can't stand.
If I was lying in bed I wouldn't be able to stand!
They're in direct conflict with each other! The point is hey let's move on
with our lives. I'm starting to miss having a TV. I could be
watching City Slickers II: The Legend of Curly's Gold, but instead, I can only
choose between writing Nonsense Paragraphs and Not Standing In Bed. Whatta
scam! Anyway, I don't know, every sentence does get me closer to the end
of the entry, which I like. Also increases the negative amount of nonsense
you have to read, but such is life, you knew what you were getting into when you
started reading this entry. You knew it would probably be nonsense and you
were okay with it so who are you to now regret it? Now finish reading this
or else you're a quitter and there's no room on my nonsense website for
I don't know. Two more paragraphs-- that's about all I
know in life. At least at this very specific exact moment in time.
Before this, I knew a lot more. And presumably after this, I will regain a
lot of that knowledge and perhaps even formulate new crystals of knowledge.
Or honeycombs of knowledge. Perhaps trees of knowledge, even. Right
now, though? Mostly just, "This is a nonsense website and I want to take a
nap." I had a Snickerdoodle Jumbo Convenient Store Cookie during Child's
Play yesterday and it was very exciting to find out, earlier, when I first put
the order in for such a cookie from Supermarket, that Snickerdoodle cookies have
nothing to do with Snickers Candy Bars. Because I'm not a huge fan of
Snickers. There was a period of time where I had them sometimes but I
don't like to think back on that period of time and I'd like to imagine it never
existed in the first place.
Last paragraph! Finally! I did it! All by
myself! I think part of the power trip of getting the mail isn't so much
that I get to see what mail there is first, but sort of unconsciously thinking,
I can pick and choose what mail my family gets to see. I come across a
piece of mail I want to intercept before my Mom gets her hands on it? It's
gone. Now, it's extremely unlikely such a scenario will ever present
itself. But, if it does, that's an awesome power to have! So great
I've got that going for me these days is the point. I don't know.
Whattagottastore for the next week. Start waking up at 9 am and going
to bed at 1 am instead of getting up at 6 am and going to bed at 10 pm!
Real exciting life I'm living these days. Very fun stuff. I'll see
Tuesday, June 25, 2019
See You In Hell, Money!
Sounds about right.
Finally getting real close to getting my money off poker! By losing it
all! Alright, great. I hate playing poker, but I can't withdraw the
money I have, so my only option is to lose it all. I'm well on my way
today to reaching that goal, so that's the good news. What else is The
Good News. Did my show on Sunday. Went pretty great! I don't
100% remember the performance itself, but the best part was afterwards, I was
talking with my brother outside the building, and two seperate people were happy
to see me and quoting my jokes back to me! Mission accomplished and
whatnot! Hey I just won 20 dollars. Whatta scam.
I was pretty sure going into the show that I had no
chance of being able to remember my jokes and would have to resort to bringing
up some pieces of loose-leaf for reference. Brought it up to teacher.
She used some Jedi mind tricks to increase my confidence and memory power and I
was able to get through it hitting 80-90% of the marks I had intended.
Also, wrote bullet points for the 7 main lines of joking I would be doing on my
right palm. Don't even remember having to use it, though. So, yeah,
I'm sure there were half a dozen or even more punch lines or comic ways of
phrasing things that I missed, but all in all, went pretty okay.
One thing is, we each had 5 minutes, and I was told in
advance they'd give me a red light when there's one minute left, to wrap it up.
Then, when I was performing, I was deep into my set, almost done, and I look up
and the red light is on. I didn't see it turn on! Who knows how long
its been on! I could be fucking this shit up by staying on too long and
then no one would ever like me again in life! So I just wrapped up the
last joke the way I had planned, and talked to the teacher afterwards, and she
was like no it was no problem you didn't go long or at least too long.
So I got that going for me! Anyway. Expecting either a physical DVD
(not likely) or some sort of video file by mail (more likely) of my performance.
Kinda interested to see how it turned out, but on the other hand, I'd have to
look at myself and hear myself. Both of which sound terrible to me.
So, who knows!
What else. Got too drunk after the show. Started
drinking right after my set, continued drinking for the rest of the afternoon,
and it was no fun. All I remember is sitting at a table in a bar with a
classmate and some other people and just not saying anything. Kinda
brought back a lot of memories of being involved in social situations my entire
life. Sitting there and not saying anything. Being pretty sure
everyone else even kind of forgot I was there. Then, after several hours,
leaving by myself. What else. Overslept on the LIRR and ended up
in Plandome. Which sounds like the penultimate level of some sort of video
game. But is actually some town in Long Island.
Escape From Plandome. Something like that.
Writing a late morning/early afternoon entry today. Switching it up with
Exercise Time. Do this during this time of the day, spend 2 and a half
hours walking in a circle and doing push ups and sit ups later in the
late afternoon. Huh? Oh, right. Lunch in an hour
and a half or so. Wonderful! Yesterday, day after Comedy Show and
Relative Binge Drinking, I woke up at 11:30 AM. And I realized for most of
my life, I would consider waking up at 11:30 AM as early as Fuck, but
now, its late as Fuck. Fuck! Damn I just won another 20
dollars. When Will My Bad Luck End?!?! Probably right
around losing all my poker money. Then luck has left the equation that is
my life. No gambling means no good luck nor bad luck. Just Hey It's
Why Do Good Things Happen to Bad People?
I flipped it. Still
makes a lot of sense, though. I was thinking about it, and the term,
"Bernie Bro," seems like gas lighting to me. I'm pretty sure most, "Bros,"
in the traditional sense have no interest in Democratic politics, let alone
supporting Bernie Sanders in particular. And most male supporters of
Bernie Sanders I don't think you would see in public and be like hey look at
this Bro, classic Bro coming walking down the street. So, sure, great.
Great, I just won another 65 dollars. Life is so unfair.
Although I am now, again, at a point where its worth withdrawing if I ever
figure out how to convince my parents to let me. But, in the mean time, I
did come up with a good idea to just Leave Poker Alone until withdrawing
becomes possible. I tried just controlling myself by playing lower stakes.
Couldn't do it. I tried not playing completely. Couldn't do it.
I tried uninstalling the App. Couldn't do it-- kept reinstalling it.
New plan? Change my password to something random I wouldn't be able to
remember. I like that idea, because presumably I could eventually get
a new password by going through a process of e-mails. Which I would dread
enough to not wanna do it randomly. Only negative thing is the 2% chance I
don't know my password and suddenly I'm locked out from the account permanently.
So, great, that's where I'm at in life for some reason.
I wish I could remember what the jokes were that the audience remembered fondly
to me. Pretty sure they were some of my jokes and not someone
else's. I definitely remember them using the word Starbucks.
Also, I may have dreamed this, but someone said something about Dave Chappelle
to me, comparing me to him. But that honestly very easily could never have
happened, because I had already been thinking about that Orgasm To Free Coffee
(which I did end up using in my set) being similar to a scene in Half Baked.
So, great, why not, what else. Hmm, was gonna sit on my current
bankroll of ~$200+ and not mess around with it, but on the other hand,
lets go messing around all the time in life.
Sounds like a plan to me! I just like dreaming
of a day where I wake up and playing poker isn't even an option. It would
make me so happy, I swear. I guess if I wanna continue persuing Stand Up,
I can do open mics anywhere I can find 'em, maybe I can ask Teacher about
getting booked for those New Talent Showcase Bringer Shows where they let you up
if you can bring half a dozen people (spoiler alert-- I can't!),
or something else, I don't know. Take the class again for some reason. Who
knows for sure. The more I think about it, the more I think The New
Monkees is right up my alley. But also, I realize there's no way anyone
would ever trust me with such an endeavor. Ever. Especially being
the Nobody I am now. And even if I spent 50 years turning into Somebody,
at that point, I'd be a little too old to be a New Monkee. I'm already
pretty too old at 30 years old, but I got a youthful look, so I think I could
pull it off for a few years.
Anyway, what else is going on and crap. Gonna eat lunch
in an hour, an hour and a half. Figure if I keep dividing this entry my
5's, I'll eat lunch after the 15th paragraph, and aim to write another 5
paragraphs to end it. Cool! Wonderful and whatnot. Ninth
paragraph here. I can write 6 paragraphs in an hour no problem. I
had the rare experience of buying stuff from a vending machine by handing
someone cash. I went to get a diet soda earlier today while seeing my
psychiatrist, and the machine was open, a guy was loading it. And I asked
when it'd be ready, and he was like just in a few minutes. Then
after a minute he was like if you have cash you can just pay me. So
I gave him the money and he gave me a diet Mountain Dew. At the time I was
like oh he must be in business with this vending machine, they have some
kinda deal where he's gonna give that cash back to the machine. Now
I'm worried he just pocketed the money.
Concerned. Very concerned! Unlike how I
feel about concentration camps and war with Iran and climate change. I'm
only a little concerned about those things. Oh well what can ya do.
Keep playing poker, up and down, up and down. Tomorrow, do it all again.
Sounds crappy to me. I think they're called, "Concentration Camps,"
because they're concentrating people. That's my crazy theory.
The point is I finally lost 10 dollars but its just not enough! I need to
lose more than 10 dollars at a time if I'm ever gonna have No Money By Tomorrow!
I think ICE is doing kids a favor by not supplying them with toothbrushes and
tooth paste. What kid wantwants to brush his/her teeth?
No one that's who! ICE is just letting them kids be kids the way they want
to be kids! You might even say they're Heroes!
These Five Paragraphs Better Be Good
Uh oh pressures on! Hey I
just lost 70 dollars. It's About Time! I'm not even
joking at this point. I don't want this crap. Move on with my life.
Class is over, that's Moving On With Life Point 1. Getting to 3+ months
without a cigarette, that's MOving On With Life Point 2. Pretty much at
ideal weight, that's Moving On With Life Point 3. Now, No More Poker would
be Moving On With Life Point 4. Thatsalotta points. ALMOST DONE.
KEEP LOSING. ALMOST AT OPTIMAL POKER BANKROLL-- ZERO!!!!
Cracked that code and whatnot. Then, after these five paragraphs, I get to
eat lunch! A lunch unencumbered by hey how much am I at in poker in
the background. Wonderful! MAN I WAS SO CLOSE NOW I STILL HAVE A
TINY BIT OH NO THIS WILL NEVER END WELL FOR ME NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS
Such is life! 11th paragraph. Four more
paragraphs til lunch! Oh, lunch. Lunch, lunch, lunch.
What more can you say about lunch. Hey, here's a good way to justify
blowing all my poker money-- more time to read! Everybody likes them some
reading. It's a real positive thing to do with your time people seem to
agree. Meh. Still have 60 dollars on poker. Done for
today. Maybe blow it tomorrow, that sounds like a plan. And just
live an extra day with having money to blow. MOTHERCUKER DAMNIT I DOUBLED
UP AGAIN AND AM BACK To $125. Will this torture never end? What the
Hell is wrong with the world?! I just don't get it. Such is life!
I'm the Such Is Life guy. Such is life.
13th paragraph. Oh, right, I'm supposed to vote today!
I'll do that in about an hour or so. Whenever I'm taking my afternoon
walk. Voting Place is only a block and a half away. So I got that
going for me! I'm voting for the lady who is obviously better than the
other lady. That's my politics summed up in an easy to remember maxim.
Oh! I don't remember which joke she liked, but one audience member gave me
a hug while I was standing outside! A hug! Also, guess what, NOT
EVEN THE FIRST HUG I GOT THAT DAY. When I was lightly panicking about
remembering my shit, Teacher gave me a half-hug! Physical Affection all
around! Except from the people I went drinking with afterwards!
Pretty sure they forgot I was there completely for several hours! I liked
spending time in the greenroom, even if it was with a dozen other people.
They call it a green room, but it isn't green! It's barely even a room!
Read this in a bad Jerry Seinfeld Impersonation voice!
...Do it! Two paragraphs to go till lunch. I
don't believe it. It did have its own bathroom, though, which I liked.
You could have told me the bathroom itself was the greenroom and I'd be happy.
Probably more happy. Anyway, what else is going on. Two
paragraphs till lunch, then 5 more paragraphs, then Walk & Vote, then come back
and crap still have to do Daily Room Exercise. Oh well, you know me, Such
Is Life, that's what I'm all about. I never used that phrase in my
routine. Certainly isn't really an overt overarching theme of what I was
talking about. Maybe it was under the surface somehow to some extent?
For some reason I can't get being the Such Is Life Guy out of my head.
I sure hope, "Walk & Vote," becomes the new, "Netflix &
Chill." You'd have to be constantly finding out things to vote for, but
why not? Maybe we can adjust our Democracy to be holding Referendums every
day all the time. Just scrap the Senate, the Congress, Hell, Scrap the
entire Executive Branch. Every single thing is just based on us voting 12
times a day for any and everything. I'm on board with that! No
I'm not. But you could imagine what it'd be like if I was, right?
No I can't. Such is life you asshole get off my website. Anyway,
jeez, I don't know. I'm gonna go make lunch now. Then I'll be back
here, eat lunch while writing 5 paragraphs, see how that goes. Then move
on with my life. Whatever that entails. At this point, I know it
will include at least some wasting time playing poker and having it upset
me by going up and down over and over. Sushi Is A Lie!
What If I Just Had Self Control?
That's crazy talk! I
can't have self control, what am I, some sort of super hero? Unlikely!
Anyway, nice little lunch I got going on. 1/4th of a LEO Omelet my Mom had
left over. One slice of toast. 1/4th of a baked potato I had
left over. And one cup of chicken noodle soup that I left over.
Alright! So much stuff all at once! And I'm even breaking my rule of
not eating eggs and chicken at the same time! Just doesn't seem right in
most cases! But oh well, gotta mix things up in this Such Is Life world of
ours. I am proud to say, though, that each time I performed Comedy, I had at
least one joke I hadn't done before. This Sunday it was the Silent Full
Body Orgasm joke. That's what keeps me interested, doing something for the
first time. Polishing a C- joke into a C+ joke doesn't interest me.
Coming up with more C- jokes over and over again? That sounds wonderful.
So, sure, here we are, paragraph #17. The first entry
of the rest of my life. I guess. What else is going on. Facing
North today. So I got that going for me is the point. Here's some
things I will never understand how they word-- compasses, clocks,... that's
about it. I thought I was gonna have a long humorous list of things I
Don't Get. Obviously starting with compasses, because that's what spurred
on the sentence. And, clocks, well, who knows that riddle. Different
facets to it, too. First of all, how did we settle on how long a Second
should be, and if it was conciousy made to fit 99.9998% perfectly with making it
x 60 x 60 x 24 being a day? What divine providence led that to
happening?!?! Also, just the mechanics of a clock. How do you tell
some moving gears hey move at this rate for some reason. Don't make
sense to me!
Three more paragraphs to go. Hey, Man, I Just Came
Up With a Great Unit of Measuring Time. I call It, "a Second."
A SECOND? WHAT HAPPENED TO TEH FIRST?!?!?!? SUCK MY LIVES.
You know, something along those lines I guess. Trying to cut down on the
Starbucks/Dunkin Donuts Iced Coffees/Cold Brews. Got in the habit the last
month or two of having it standard to get at least 2 a day, sometimes three.
Gonna try to bump that down by one. Standard to only get one, and then
sometimes two-- and less often than the sometimes three was of the previous
plan. Usually just one and on a rare occasion 2. Lets talk about it
this is what my life is these days if we don't talk about it who will and if I
don't talk about it now when will?
Penultimate paragraph! Gonna bring down plate which
lunch was on, replenish my soda supply, finish this entry, then be on my way!
That'll show 'em, that'll show all of 'em. What else in the
world is going on. Got some shitty circle walking and some shitty push ups
and some shitty sit ups to do for a shitty amount of time this shitty afternoon
after I get back from my surprisingly refreshing walk. So,
wonderful is that I guess. I also enjoyed the emcee's introduction of me
on Sunday. She comes up to me while the person before me is on stage, asks
me how she should introduce me. I say something like, "... ...say I've
been doing open mics around town... which isn't true..." and she
scrapped that but then when she was introducing me she comes up with the great,
"I know this guy and I love him." I thought that was great because
its the most affection someone has shown me, since... ever maybe?
So we got that going for us is the point. What's
next in life. Not the most practical thing, but I'd love to go to Grad
School for maybe Film or something. Probably pretty expensive and time
consuming and whatnot, but hey, anything that postpones me getting a real job
for at least an intermediate amount of time sounds like a pretty good plan to me
such is life. Anyway. Perhaps aided by immediately getting drunk
afterwards, it feels like I did really good at my show, but once I get the
video, most likely gonna be like oh look I did... just okay. So I
got that to look forward to is the point! I'll see you guys later.
Not literally. Later implies some sort of measurement of time and as we
all know time is a construct which means nothing so when I say I'll see you
later I might as well be saying Hey I Saw you three weeks ago. I'll
see you three weeks ago.
Thursday, June 20, 2019
I Will Write An Entry Now
That sums that up.
Big news! I'm gonna start a new routine for life today! And then scrap it
by tomorrow. Figured that riddle out. That's how life works I
guess for a lot of people. Anyway, went to Starbucks last night, came away
with yet another potential line of jokening. I ordered a large cold brew
(they call it a Trenta-- and can I just say, I'm not a fan of them using fancy
special names for sizes of coffee, but not for the main reason people usually
cite. I don't mind that it comes off pretentious or overly cute or
anything-- I just don't like that it trains my mind to call anything I order
from a fast food place a trenta. I'm getting an iced coffee from
Dunkin Donuts and suddenly the word trenta iis in my mind. I'm sure
they must get that a lot. But it's gotta be awkward cause they know you've
been screwing around on them when you say it and that Starbucks is more in your
brain than D&D.)
Oh, right, that was a parenthetical. So, yeah, that's
frustrating, but, oh, right, what was I gonna say. Okay, got it, I
ordered a large cold brew and the guy gives me a small cold brew.
I let it sit there for 30 seconds, 75% sure it was for me and just wrong, but
the 25% chance it was just for someone else meant I didn't speak up about it and
would just have to stand there indefinitely until I eventually work up the
courage to go Hey I think this is wrong or hopefully someone acknowledges
me just sticking around after being served. So that happened, and I was
like yeah I ordered a Trenta. So I eventually get the Trenta but
the barista who took my order (not the one who fucked it up-- who I felt bad
for-- I felt like I got him in trouble or something but you can't blame me
can you? What am I supposed to do, just take the smaller coffee that I
overpaid for and leave the store?) is like do you want this coffee anyway?
and I was like yeah might as well.
But in my mind, it was like that bit in the movie Half
Baked where the scientist gives Dave Chappelle as the janitor some free medical
marijuana and he just sort of has a silent full body orgasm. That's how it
felt. So I was like yeah I could probably make that into another joke
about Starbucks but my first instinct line of jokening was basically just
that bit that already happened in that there movie. But I was like well
I'll at least get into this on Crazysheet and maybe come up with something
unique. So far, Not Going Great! Anyway, what else is going on.
Crap, my show is in a few days! I'm kind of looking forward to it for a
few reasons. One, I think it'll go relatively well-- it's not gnona make
or break my career but I think I'll probably do adequately. Two is
alright about time I just move on with my life, get this stage behind me.
That's not a bad closer. I talk about Starbucks for 4 and a half
minutes, then just break the fourth wall, because everyone there knows it's a
show which is the culmination of a comedy class, and I just go Alright
Finally That's It I'm done with this bullshit! Fuck you, fuck you...
wait this is another bit from Half Baked where the guy quits his job... at a
coffee shop [well, a retail job at least. I think it was fast food,
but Starbucks is just Beverage/Bakery Fast Food, right?.
The point is my life is unexpectedly just the movie
Half Baked slowly playing out. Well, I guess if your life has to
be a movie, Half Baked isn't so bad. What else is going on. I'm
definitely on board with reparations. I don't get how any white liberals
or progressives wouldn't be. Hey we all acknowledge how insanely
terrible we were to these people-- you know, keeping them as slaves for
several centuries, and still keeping them down in a myriad of ways that
essentially makes them second class citizens at best, but I don't
know!! I don't even know what the counter argument is. But it's
a moral, financial, social, and philosophical question all at once, which can
make conceptualizing it all at once pretty confusing, that I can understand.
All I can say is read up on it from people who are smarter than me (and
preferably black-- they seem to have a unique perspective on this issue for some
reason!) and educate yourself!
HERE YA GO
I'm Confident This Title Will Stand The Test Of The Time
By which I mean, it won't
necessarily be beloved or relevant or even remembered for all of future history,
but, technically, this title will exist as it is now forever in some capacity On
The Internet. Great, just great. They say everything on the
internet is gonna be there forever but I'm pretty sure that's bullshit. As
we devolve further into a culture of surveillance, suppression of a free press,
and government control of media and communication, I'm 100% sure everything on
the internet won't be there forever. So that's good news,
people may not accidentally be exposed to my bullshit for one of a myriad of
reasons! Myriad! What a great word! Wonderful. Anyway, I
got lunch in the oven. I like that because its good to have something to
look forward to!
Sixth paragraph. Figure I'll treat myself to some
alcohol a little bit later in the day. Wonderful! That's fun stuff.
Lunch should be ready in half an hour. Got a chicken pot pie for lunch
today. Savory pastry, never before has an almost-slant-rhyme been so
appealing to me. Cause I like pastries and meats. II shuoldn't
have to explain myself there. If you know anything about me it should
be implied that I'm the kind of guy who wants savory pastries.
Unfortunately you don't know anything about me. Hmm.
That makes this trying-to-accurately-convey-who-I-am-thing more difficult!
Or, easier. If you know who I am, conveying who I am is
impossibly difficult! It can't be done! You already know!
However, if you don't know who I am, suddenly conveying who I am is an
avenue that opens up and becomes a possibility!
Fascinating. Was imagining drinking some of my
whiskey for alcohol consumption later today, but since I'm waiting until after
my walk anyway, maybe get some beer to drink. I saw Elizabeth Warren has a
promotion where if you donate to her you can win a chance to, "grab a beer (or
coffee, or tea, or whatever," with her. Brilliant! Not
so much because having a beer with Warren would be so great. Neither would
a coffee or a tea. But all of them IN THE SAME SENTENCE? YouYou're
covering all sorts of bases there! I like beer, and I like coffee, and I
can appretiate tea, but separately, so what, who cares. Once I'm imagining
all of them at once it's pretty mind blowing. Also, it reflects how
she is open to compromise and listening to what kind of beverage you like and
accommodating you! Also, "Whatever?" WHAT KIND OF
ESTABLISHMENT POLITICIAN TALKS NATURALLY AND COLLOQUIALLY LIKE THAT?!
WARREN IS THE WHATEVER CANDIDATE I LOVE IT!
If Warren helped lead us into some sort of long period of no
war where America is the dominant superpower for the duration of that period, a
Pax Americana so to speak, of course we'd call it the Warren Peace. War
& Pea... alright you get it. Puns, wonderful, you know all about that.
Another way the pun can go-- The War On Peace. You know, how
we have Wars on Everything in America as metaphors (by which I mean, we did
decades ago. Kind of a quaint notion now, that phrase, but we're all
familiar how they used to frame things that way, right? War on drugs, war
on homelessness, war on... whatever. Those were the days.) Also,
from now on, whenever you see the word whatever from now on you should
think of Elizabeth Warren. Pretty much pot committed to that now!
What paragraph is this. Ninth! Food'll be
ready in 10, 15 minutes. Figure I'll write a couple paragraphs while
eating, take a walk, and then re-evaluate where my life is at. This new
routine I was working on when I started this entry isn't gonna even last me a
day. That was a New Routine for a couple of hours. Then it's on to
the next new routine. I don't know. There was a period of half a
year, maybe a whole year, where I would drink tea regularly. Hot tea. Cold
tea, sure, all the time. Snapple and whatnot. But there was a time
where, because my Dad drinks tea all the time, and before I started really going
for coffee regularly, I just drank tea once or twice a day as a New Thing but
before Coffee Took Over.
Fascinating! Tenth paragraph. Figure I'll take
food out of the oven at the end of this paragraph. Because it's a multiple
of five. Gotta do things in multiples of fives if we ever wanna make progress in
life. That's just common sense! I don't know. Apparently Joe
Biden isn't that great of a politician in terms of running for office. On
the one hand we've known that for 30 years but on the other hand there was a
period where he was the obvious establishment choice and we were supposed to
forget that and pretend he's gonna win handily and then we had to re-learn oh
this guy isn't that great at this. Almost forgot. You know,
politically, on the issues, his background, connecting with voters, being
relevant to the moment he's running in... just being an appealing candidate in
general. Everything adding up to making him an appealing choice.
Kinda realize oh he's got nothing going for him. Other than
the dumb presumption he's the front runner based on his name recognition and the
implied association with the hugely popular Barack Obama. Lunch
Hey It's Actually Well Done
Pretty much every time I'm
re-heating a chicken pot pie, I don't leave it in for enough time. I leave
it in for an hour and 15 minutes, still ain't enough! But this time
around, an hour 40 minutes, perfect. Burnt just a little bit,
that's how you know it's definitely well done enough, and the parts the aren't
burnt? Just plain well done! Mission accomplished and whatnot.
I was even able to transfer it from the oven onto a plate successfully without
it coming apart completely. I don't believe it! But there it is
anyway. I remember there was a period of time in my life where the conceit
between my and my Dad was that pretty much my favorite thing in life were
those mini hot dogs/potato puffs/egg rolls you get as horderves at weddings/bar
mitzvahs/whatever were my favorite thing in life. Sure that sentence
makes sense good grammar.
And, of course, that was complimented by him actually
getting me that stuff from the supermarket and me eating it all the time.
But it was never half as good as you would get it in real life. The
supermarket versions were good enough, but clearly paled in comparison to the
real thing. That's how I felt and its possible my Dad was aware of those
feelings but we never really talked about it. I think he liked being able
to bring me such joy from the frozen foods section, and it was pretty good, but
not that great. And I stopped getting them the last few years
completely because they're not worth it calorie-wise. Anyway, what else is
going on. Gotta make a note of how long to leave Chicken Pot Pie in oven.
Let's say around 1 hour 30 minutes to 1 hour 40 minutes. Someone
make a note of that. Please.
I don't know why. II'm not 100% sure what that
gravy-type-stuff is that holds the chicken pot pie together on the inside.
The filling that isnt chicken or corn or peas. It's just some weird
semi-solid/semi-liquid thing that I'm not 100% what it is but I'm pretty sure
it's probably high in calories compared to the rest of the non-pastry stuff so
if I can avoid eating all of it I will. Also,
definitely avoid eating the corn and peas, just because it's unappealing to me
tastewise. I'm mainly just in it for the pastry and the chicken. I'm
gonna be honest. This is the 13th paragraph. Figure I'll take a
break after 15 or so. Concentration Camps and provoking a war with a
country. Who would have thought an administration led by a president
who genuinely thinks and says out loud to everybody that neo-nazis are
good people would behave in such a way?!?!
I for one am shocked and awed. One can only assume
that's how war with Iran will go. We shock 'em, there in awe, boom, they
surrender, mission accomplished! Maybe we should just blast Cheap Trick to
everyone in Iran. They'll figure out what to do in time. What else
is going on. I need to do something about buying something for
alcohol consumption on my walk. Either buy beer or buy a mixer for the
whiskey I already own. We haven't gotten Supermarket in 9 days instead of
7 because my Dad can't drive there and I can't drive and I'm Too Lazy To Even
Put In The Order Online For Them To Deliver It To Us Themselves. I think
people in my family think I won't get a drivers license because I'm lazy, but
it's not true. It's cause the idea of driving is terrifying to me.
It just seems so fucking easy to get into an accident. I'm not on board
Also, my Dad isn't on board with me getting a license if
I drink at all in life. He can be aware and believe I drink once a week, 3
or 4 drinks at a time. He'd still be like nope you shouldn't be driving
then ever. Because there's things wrong with him! There's
things wrong with all of us! Let's talk about it! Gettin'
close to being done with lunch. Then, finish this paragraph around the
same time, be done with this for now. Maybe write another 5 paragraphs
when I Get Back. If you needed a liscence to go to sleep, my Dad would be
like, what? You get a coffee in the morning and another in the
afternoon? And you wanna go to bed at night? Nope!
Won't allow it! That almost comes close to making sense. Oh,
bits of potato! I'm good with that in pot pies! See ya soon!
I Stand By My Story
True story-- I was getting my beer
at the local convenience store. In front of the beer section in the frozen
section where there are various drinks was a guy on top of a ladder. I'm
like I'll wait for you to move the ladder. And he was like no go
ahead there's room under it. EVERYONE KNOWS THAT'S UNLUCKY!
WHAT KIND OF FOOL DO YOU TAKE ME FOR? The good kind. OH OKAY
THEN. I feel like being a Fool in astrology or in the classical
sense has a lot of really good connotations that I'm pretty proud to associate
myself with. But the point is Alright I ended up getting someone else
to move the ladder for me and I got my beer. So it was a win-win-- not
only did I avoid unluck by not walking under a ladder, but also, I got
someone else to do the heavy lifting for me!
Such is the life of a fool. Just get yourself beer
ad infinitum and trick other people to move ladders out of your way over and
over again. My family used to go to a relatively fancy restaurant that we
referred to as The Seafood Restaurant as if that were its name.
It was primarily a seafood restaurant. But the point is, before you
enter the lobby, there's a little room you have to pass by which had mirrors on
opposite sides of the wall. So you look at one mirror, there's a mirror
behind you too, and it produces the mirror in the mirror in the mirror in the
mirror effect. Mirrors also have to do with Bad Luck. That's why
that's relevant. And, The Real Reason Its Relevant, because it segues
into this-- they had a prop wheel in the actual lobby, like the wheel you spin
when you're piloting a boat. You know, you spin the wheel to the right to
get the boat going to the right? Gotta be primarily for the kids,
right? No 36 year olds were spinning the wheel going WHEEEEEE IM
DRIVING TEH RESTURAUNT!!! But as a kid, wow, great fun.
18th paragraph! Anyway. Also, the baristas at
Starbucks keep trying to pitch the Starbucks Rewards Program to me. I sign
up on my phone and get points every time I do something or something I don't
have all the details. Leave me alone I said I'll Look Into It
the first 12 times you told me about it, get a freakin' clue I'M NOT
LOOKING INTO IT. Get off my back and whatnot about it I
don't wanna be part of your stupid little club. Anyway, reached a high of
$635 on poker earlier today, and was like, you know what? 525 dollars.
That's more than enough to withdraw and claim a profit. I'm just gonna
feel free to muck around with anything more than that and just don't make sure I
don't go under $525. So the point is I'm at $510 right now BUT
What else is going on. The point is what am I
supposed to do not eat French Toast and Egg Whites for dinner?
What kinda fool. Two paragraphs to go, I guess. Already committed to
not playing any more poker. Gonna continue drinking for the rest of the
afternoon. Don't have a TV. Guess that narrows it down to either
lie in bed and listen to music or maybe walkwalk in a circle and
listen to music or the dream of mostly lie in bed and listen to music but
periodically get up to walk in a circle a little bit while listening to music.
I don't know. The beer I got today is Natural Light. Which I
believe is how Stanley Kubrick shot Barry Lyndon. JOkezzzzzzzz.
Stanley Kubrick didn't shoot Barry Lyndon, his son in law
did! JOKEZZZZZZ. I have no idea whats going on.
I always thought they should make a real good epic movie about Napoleon.
And I know a great guy to play Napoleon. Jon Heder. Don't be
a heder. Heder, Hater... I don't know. Leave me alone I don't
wanna join your stupid Starbucks Club! Starbucks is what they used for
currency on the Death Star for that period of time when the empire converted it
into an amusement park. That was a fun period of time. I miss it.
I wanna go back to Deth Starworld and trick my wife into coming there with me
and make her watch as I eat all the waffles. Hey I just got the mail.
Talk about An Adult. Hey I've been putting on my Dad's underwear and socks
the last few days. Talk about An Adult. Hey people talk about
Adults. Sure why not I guess.
I've been putting my Dad's underwear and socks on him.
I haven't been dressing up in his underclothes. Pretty sure I had to make
that clear. What kinda fool do you take me for. 21st paragraph.
Wonderful! I'm interested in seeing this new Child's Play movie. For
some reason, one of the main things that I remember from my childhood
(Pre-puberty) is a dozen or two different nightmares I had, and one of them from
when I was 5-8 was just a nightmare of a six foot tall Chucky who wasn't even
necessarily bad. Just a life sized Chucky smiling. Horrifying.
The earliest dream I remember, I must have said this before, was it was watching
my family open presents for something in our living room, like it was a scene in
a movie or something, and then the camera pans over a little bit, moves to the
front door, zooms in... and there's a poster of the Berenstain Bears on the
inside of the front door. And that scared the crap out of me.
Also, neither then nor now do I know anything about the
Berenstain Bears. Oh well what can ya do. Might as well go through
some other nightmares I can remember from childhood. I remember there was
an episode of Are You Afraid Of The Dark?, in real life, that had to do with a
clown or something. This was real. Then, in my nightmare, I had
taped that episode onto a cassette and was listening to it in my bed.
That was the nightmare. I had an audio version of the episode and was
listening to it. Anyway. Another dream I had, but not a nightmare,
was I was playing one of the original Marios, I think the original non-Donkey
Kong Villian Mario from Nintendo-- the kind where at the end you cross a line
with a flag at the top and thats how the level ends. You're supposed to
jump when crossing that finish line because the higher you are when you cross
the line the more points you get. Anyway, in the dream, I jumped CLEAR
OVER THE FLAG and then the level continued and there was just a complete
rest of the world that no one ever gets to beyond that level ending that I
somehow got to.
That wasn't a nightmare. That was pure joy! I
found a secret world in Mario! WHAT THE HELL WHY AM I WRITING THIS CRAP
THIS IS EITHER TERRIBLE OR THE EQUIVALENT OF THAT MARIO DREAM WHERE WE'VE
JUMPED PAST THE FLAG AND ARE LIVING IN AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE WHERE THERE'S
UNLIMITED EXTRA LEVEL BEYOND WHAT EVERYONE ELSE KNOWS. I'm leaning
towards terrible. But I already started this paragraph so I guess
I've got to finish it for some reason no one really knows why. 23rd
paragraph. I don't know. The good news is we're not at war with Iran
as of this second but by the time you read this? Who can say for sure.
Just keep in mind that either way most of all we're ever gonna remember from
life are the various different nightmares we've had and if we're lucky one dream
where we're playing video games. See ya later.
Monday, June 17, 2019
Get The Most Out Of Your Lunch
a memo to myself. I'm not telling it to you. Do whatever you
want with your lunch, I'm not the Lunch Boss of you. But, as a reminder to
myself, Hey, Mike, lunch is great, we all know that (all of us Mikes--
Michael is on board, Mike is on board, Mikist is ok with it... Anyway...)-- but
make sure you get all you can get out of lunch. Don't
let any part of any good thing go to waste. There's so much in life that
is Crap so the stuff that isn't crap, gotta milk those things for all they're
worth! And lunch is often one of those things! Anyway this paragraph
made sense to me. That's how I feel. Also, good way to introduce the
entry! I really feel like it's all about this is what I'm all about
and you only get one chance to make a first impression.
Unless you work for the Men In Black International
Edition. They got that machine to do stuff and whatnot to make you
forget your first impression,, I don't really remember. Anyway.
I'm thinking about starting a new routine when writing for this website where I
re-read each paragraph as I finish it. You know, sort of do that,
"editing," thing I've heard so much about? See what doesn't make sense
and desperately try to make it make 10% more sense without actually erasing it
because Hey Where Do I Get Off saying anything isn't good enough?
I'm not qualified to pass judgment. Everything That Ever Has Happened
Stays! Just hopefully adjusted a tiny bit to make 10% more sense!
That's how I feel about this paragraph. Hmm, wonder if that last
sentence makes enough sense. I guess I'll find out soon!
Had a visit with my therapist this morning. Had
to use public transportation to get there for my Dad just had hip surgery and is
in no shape to drive! His surgery went well, though, so that's great, he's
back trending in the right direction, health-wise. It must be weird for
people working in hospitals the last few years because healthcare has probably
been the most prominent issue on Center/Center-Left media so they must
constantly be like hey thi stuff is relevant to me and hey I'm in a
hospital better make myself relevant to the patients kinda my job I
mean if I'm irrelevant to the patients what the Hell am I Really Doing Here?
You know, something along those lines. When I say
most prominent issue I mean of issues that actually gets addressed
politically here and there, for better or for worse, and is
probably the safest & most logical & pretty important issue for Democratic
Presidential candidates to be talking about these days in Primary Season.
It would be pretty cool if we lived in a place where you could just get
health care on demand! You got a problem? Hey lets solve it.
Nah that could never happen. What would be the motivation for doctors
and healthcare companies and everything if they're making 2% less money?
Suddenly they won't give a shit about you and they'll give you shitty care ON
Makes sense to me! I don't know any current
doctors, but from what I remember knowing people in college on track to become
doctors, they were all like I'm in it for the money! Helping people?
Yeah that might happen but more importantly gimme that sweet sweet
greenola! Anyway. I started that riff being sarcastic but
then I realized the one guy I can think of who wanted to be a doctor did
think like that. Not so much that he wanted to be rich off of
Doctoring, but more like that it seemed he was getting into it because it would
satisfy his parents. At least that's the impression I got. Never
really talked to him about it in depth and also we are now a good 12 or 13 years
removed from this entire situation. But the point I was attempting to
make before I proved myself wrong was who as a little kid says I Want
To Be a Doctor! and their parent goes Aww How Cute Why Be a Doctor
Precious? and they go I'm In It For That Craazzzzzy Sheet!
Also, I'm trying to make the phrase Crazy Sheet, catch
on. Sorta as a synonym of, "Mad Money." Pretty similar, right?
Jeez. My favorite unintended meaning of Crazysheet still is and will
always be that the default color scheme on this website is white font on black
background. That would be some crazy sheet. Usually sheets
of paper are white. And when you write or type on them the font is black.
This is reversed! Whatta crazy sheet! Makes sense to me.
Anyway I just finished lunch and did some light editing so the point is
now its time to take Afternoon Walk & Coffee Reinforcement Break and I'll see ya
again some time real soon.
Don't Tell Me How To Eat Lunch
JUST FUCKING SAID I WASN'T TALKING TO YOU GOD WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM.
Anyway what else is going on. First session of entry was six paragraphs.
Will this only be four paragraphs? Will it be some other number of
paragraphs? Will it somehow be some amount of paragraphs that cannot be
expressed through a numerical value? That would be the most interesting,
I'm rooting for that to happen. Not very likely, though. What can ya
do. Made some nice Greenola over the past week in poker. At a level
where I'm 90% sure if I withdrew everything I have currently I would no longer
be operating at a loss over the past few years of poker and have instead turned
it into a surplus! Alright!
I guess. Comedy Show is on Sunday. Wow.
Here's another bit I can do about Starbucks-- True story-- I was
taking my evening walk a few nights ago and one of the guys who works at
Starbucks was driving away-- presumably because his shift at Starbucks ended--
and he sees me walking and says out the window, "Hey Mike!" and I go "WHAT'S
CUP?" Talk about a Freudian Slip! What's CUP!
I DON'T BELIEVE IT> THIS IS GONNA BE MY CLOSER WHAT GREAT FORTUNE AND
SERENDIPITY THANK YOU UNIVERSE FOR ALL YOUR BLESSINGS. Anyway. This
one Starbucks Guy, though, is the best. First of all, he was the first guy
to acknowledge me as a unique person and remembered my name and default drink
order long before anyone else did. Two, at this Starbucks branch at least,
they apparently let workers pick their own soundtrack to the store, and at one
point The Killers' Somebody Told Me (or was it Mr. Brightside?)
was playing and I was like good song and he was like That was me what
picked that song.
Maybe that should be my closer. They played
a song I liked. Makes me laugh. Anyway, what else is going
on, ninth paragraph! Right now my closer is something about how I have
still quit cigarettes successfully. I go into Starbucks Stuff at the
beginning of my set by saying how I quit cigarettes a few months ago and I've
replaced it with caffeine. It's a good way to introduce it because It's
True And Might As Well Be Honest and also Well That's About It. But it
means at the end I just wrap it around and say something sad or funny about
myself regarding Starbucks but I go but I still quit cigarettes! or
something I Have It Planned Out Better Than That But You Get The Idea.
Also, makes people root for me. I talk about quitting
cigarettes, I'm gonna get applause for that. Talk about
cheaply manipulating the audience to give you respect and encouragement!
Hmm maybe I should talk about cheaply manipulating the audience to give me
respect and encouragement in my set. Anyway. I feel weird these
days going into Starbucks cause I just know any day now I'll have Blown Up and
all these jokes will be on the Youtube and everything is so complicated now I
miss the days it was simple and before I ruined Starbucks for everybody oh well
what can ya do.
This Title Ain't Gonna Write Itself
okay? Part III of III for the entry! I love it! If it's
what you say. Anyway what else is going on in the wide world of
sports. I gotta either stop listening to my own music every day or
start making new music every day. I've gotten all I can get out of what
already exists. Put up or shut up time! Figure I'll have some sort
of an apple when this entry is over. Dunno why I said some sort.
It's Red Delicious. I know it's a Red Delicious apple, you
know its a red delicious apple, the whole Goddam World knows its a red delicious
apple. Also, great branding from Red Apples to incorporate the word
delicious. You ask me if I want a Red Apple, I'm like, I dunno,
besides red, how would you best describe it? And you're like
it's delicious. And I'm like well if it wasn't they wouldn't be
able to legally say it was! Sign me up for this sort of apple!
We also have Gala apples. I don't fuck with Gala
apples. Maybe they're good, I don't know, I've only had Red Delicious
Apples and a second kind sometimes, I wanna say, "Green Delicious?"
It's like a red delicious but its green and it doesn't taste the same but it
isn't any less delicious. But apparently not delicious enough that I'd
remember its complete title but hey that's okay the taste is right so they have
a lot going for them these green apples and I'll figure out what they're called
at some point over the next several years of my life. I saw they might
legalize marijuana in NY this week or something. And by I saw I
mean Somebody Told Me. That you had a barista. Who looked
like a barista I had in February of last year.
Jeez. Three paragraphs to go and whatnot. I went
from Apples to Marijuana because I had a Half-Idea where I would have said
something like it's a good thing they figured out how to turn apples into
bongs so finally apples are healthy or something along those lines.
Yep-- there are half thoughts that are half the half thoughts that actually do
make it onto the website. Quarter thoughts. Wonderful! What
if I fuckin' have a tootsie pop now. And move the apple back an hour or
so. Tootsie pop now. Fuckin' apple in an hour and a half. Then
that sets me up for dinner an hour and a half or two hours from that.
What If. Whatta If. Anyway two
paragraphs to go and whatnot. Meh think I'll just hold on for that
apple. What else is going on. Figure I'll just chill for the
rest of the pre-dinner festivities for today. Just lay in bed and see if I
can accomplish the dream of Napping. Gotta accomplish something.
Depending on how you define accomplish. Does it have to be a
positive thing? Or even a Thing thing? Maybe I accomplish nothing.
That makes sense grammatically. You've accomplished Nothing today.
Hey thanks! I did accomplish... stuff! Nothing is A
Stuff! 'Bout time someone recognized.
I gave up editing and sense-checking each paragraph.
Maybe I'll try again next entry, we'll have to wait and see. Hey this is
the last paragraph. Lets see, words, words. Saw my therapist today!
Was kind of weird because I've been getting free therapy at Comedy Class so when
I saw Actual Therapist today part of me was like this is obsolete, no longer
necessary, and not even quite as effective as doing stand up in the first place.
Figure there'll come a time that's how I feel about this website. This
is just another form of therapy that hopefully will be replaced one day soon.
In the mean time, though, still haven't had a cigartte in almost three
months. Thank you, thank you! I did it all for the nookie!
See ya later.
Wednesday, June 12, 2019
Lets Break Even!
like a plan to me. You know, just in general. Break even in
poker, or in life, or really anywhere, really. Lets just leave life right
around how we started it. Naked, crying, covered in blood, and
completely unable to communicate or think coherently. Alls well that
ends well! Anyway. I've got Carrie: The Movie on in the background.
Maybe that was the inspiration for the covered in blood part. Who
knows! That should be a new type of literary criticism. The focus
being where'd that idea come from. And every Critical Essay or
Article is just rampant speculation based on nothing. The movie Aladdin
was released several weeks ago. I noticed Will Smith has a precise certain
combination of facial hair. Here's 20 pages on what may or may not have
went into their decision on that configuration.
Anyway. Had final comedy class last night.
Went alright. Went with Just Starbucks Stuff for my 5 minutes, and it went
pretty good. About 75% stuff I did in previous classes, although a little
bit more polished, and 25% new stuff I came up with, as well as some effort into
making it follow some sort of narrative and work as a cohesive unit. The
great thing I learned from this class is each week I had to put some effort
in to perform adequately at the upcoming class. I could, for the most
part, leave 80% of the preparation to the several hours before class, while I'm
traveling to wherever I'm going, and most importantly working on it while eating
a meal before whatevers happening. Feels like that's a routine that
could work for the rest of my creative life. It's got a lot going for it.
Procrastination-- wonderful! Having meals-- great! Writing or
working creatively in public-- that'll show 'em! And most importantly It
Just Seems Like Something A Comedian Would Do.
So, sure, I got that going for me. Hey I'm gonna go get
lunch out of the oven now. Bring it upstairs to eat while working on
entry. Got that going for me too! Hey, now I'm eating lunch!
Great! I'm not gonna trouble you with the details of exactly what I'm
eating for lunch, but suffice to say, I'm having a blast. I've got several
different bases covered and they're all performing up to their potential.
I really like this new routine of eating Regular Meals and if I feel like it
eating a More Or Less Relatively Healthy Snack. Sometimes the simplest
answer is the best answer. Even if its incorrect! If it's
simple, it still may be arguably a better answer. Hey what should we do
to try to stop climate change. Nothing! Hey great
that's simple!!! Maybe not the most accurate
answer of what we should do, but its simplicity sure makes it feel right!
So lets consider that the best answer.
So, sure, we got that working against us. Fourth
paragraph! Went to Supermarket today again. Got myself a buttload of
shit. Mostly soda. The lady in front of me at the checkout line was
fuckin' soda shaming me. I wasn't registering 100% of what she was saying,
but she was definitely talking about my bottles of soda, I heard the word,
addicted in there, seemed like some babbling about its bad for you.
Also, she started off a little bit less aggressive, going is this for your
entire family? Well, not exactly. I mean, it is enough to
cover my entire family. But its also Only For Me. So I just said
yeah family. What else is going on. Maybe it was a Clerks
scenario and after getting me to put the soda back on the shelf she'd be like
here try this Gum! That's a reference to a movie that wasn't very
necessary to make but oh well what can ya do.
Was the reference not necessary to make, or
the movie itself? Choose your own adventure! Anyway, my
Dad's got hip surgery on Friday, and he's gonna be out of commission for a
couple of weeks, and one task that will be falling to me is getting the mail.
Sounds simple enough, right? Wrong! Over the last
month, I've already gone with him twice to the mail box, and he shows me
how to put the key in the box, twist it. Then you open the mail box.
You take out the mail. Closee the box. Twist the key in the opposite
direction. Take key out. TwoTwo times he's made me watch
this. And tAnd today, he insists we do it oneone more time.
Just to play it safe. If that sounds like to you oh your Father isn't
sure you know how keys work, then, yes, thats how it sounds to me as well.
So I'm gonna do that with him when I'm done eating
lunch and midway through this entry. Mailbox is only half a block a way,
so shouldn't take too long. It's just stupid, the whole scenario is stupid
and unnecessary. Egregious, one might say. Anyway. I thought
of a good way to sort of describe my unconscious writing style/intentions.
There's that phrase that talks about 1 million monkeys typing at 1 million
typewriters for 1 million years and whether or not they'd be able to come up
with Shakespeare. Well, I heard that phrase, and I took it as a
challenge. I can't imagine describing my writing up till this
point any better than that.
Seventh paragraph, last paragraph before Learning How To Get
The Mail break. And possibly just go straight from that to my Afternoon
Walk. Prolonging the break some more. But, either way, hey what's
going on in the wide world of sports. Eh finished eating lets just get
the mail Now. Alright I fucked up a bit. I ain't ashamed
to admit it. I was too proud to acknowledge I needed help getting
the mail and it blew up in my face. I forgot which was our mailbox.
We sort of have a community mailbox with several of our closest neighbors, so we
each have a mini-mailbox within that mailbox compound. I forget which one
ours was. It was #1. That settles that! Alternate way
to remember it-- the one on the top left.
Eighth paragraph! Maybe take a walk after this one,
or the next one, or the one after that. Probably no later than that,
though. I guess. Am I the only one who sees the inherent racism in
professional baseball where if they're not from America they can get signed at
16 years old (or even younger possibly?), but in America, you have to graduate
high school. Basically corresponds with the framing that other people are
not as civilized. They're from another country and are 15 and good at
baseball?! Get that animal a glove and a 6 figure contract! This is
obviously all he's gonna ever be good for! American is 15 and good
at baseball?!! Well, we need to make him a respectable citizen, finish
high school, then we do it the proper way to accommodate his development from
adolescence into adulthood. It's a scam! Anyway. Break
Oh, Right. I Was Doing This.
a nap between first part of entry and now! And some other stuff!
Like eating dinner, writing and then going over some notes about how to check
the mail, etc. Gotta be prepared! Anyway, just finished dinner, just
took afternoon walk, got 2 paragraphs to write to get to an even 10, I like it!
I love it! I have just enough of it! Is it bad that the thing in the
world that gives me the most hope in humanity is when I'm at a store that lets
me use their bathroom without purchasing anything? That's the epitome, for
me, of getting the feeling that yeah mankind is looking out for each other.
There is still good in the world. Because White Castle doesn't have a
problem with me pissing into a toilet bowl without buying some small hamburgers
Shakespeare, or Monkey? You decide. Last
paragraph. Whatta joy. Finished bingewatching Duckman! It was
great. But even better than the series itself was the action of finishing
watching the series! I feel like that's a pretty universal concept when it
comes to consuming entertainment. Specifically these days with binge
watching series. So much pleasure derived from the fact that you've
finished something. You accomplished something very few people can do--
you watched the same thing over and over even though it was barely entertaining
to you in the first place for some reason. You were pot committed to
watching something and you committed to that crap and you won!
Congratulations. You watched TV. What else is going on.
Not a lot. Gotta show in a week and a half. Then what. I
don't know! Not at all! Not one bit! Crap! I'll see ya
Sunday, June 9, 2019
Comedy, Am I?!
dare titles and whatnot. Settling into a pretty good routine.
Here's my new theory on how to eat lunches and meals in general throughout the
day-- eat one moderately sized lunch. About the same size as your
moderately sized dinner. Pair this with a moderately sized breakfast
that's maybe half to 2/3rds the size as your lunch and dinner. Leave room
for 1-3 reasonably sized snacks throughout the day. It's Crazy Enough
It Just Might Work! Anyway, final comedy class is on Tuesday. Then
Culminating Show is a week and a half after that. I figured out what I'm
gonna do-- gonna cobble together some of the non-mental illness jokes I've
written and done throughout the class, and that'll be my five minutes.
Bits on Starbucks-- get the cream of the crop of those jokes, pair that with the
pizza jokes. Jokes about getting Starbucks and getting Pizza seem to make
sense thematically together, right? Maybe figure out a 3rd thing that I've
done that also Triplets well with those two, and boom, I got 5 minutes, done and
Anyway. This is only the second day of me figuring out
oh just eat normal breakfast lunch and dinner like everybody else and I can
honestly say I'm a bit taken aback by how much it works. I bought into
some of this noise you see on the Dark Web about ah its healthy to eat a tiny
bit every hour a bit that's what we supposed to do this three big meals is a
scam everyone's falling for it! Turns out that's probably a narrative
advanced by Nabisco and whatnot but the point is I came out the other side from
that nonsense and I'm a better person now because of it. Anyway, I dunno.
Figured out a good way to possibly succeed at not playing any more poker-- I
uninstalled the poker application from my computer! Sure, I could
re-install it at any moment, but for now it seems like that might be just enough
motivation to not play anymore. Right now my bankroll is at ~$300 from the
initial deposit of $50. And I've saved ~$700 from not smoking any
cigarettes the past 10 weeks which was initially spurred on from playing poker.
So I'm up 4 figures is the point yeah yeah yeah.
Cool! Gettin' real close to finishing binge watching
Duckman. Real close. Real real close. Close real. Real
real close close. RealCloseRealCloseClosereal. Classic jokes.
Huh? A few months ago I got these Cinnamon Toast Eggo Waffles and the
serving size is three waffles. Look, I dunno what kind of industrial
strength three-holed toasters you got over at Eggo Headquarters. Me and
the rest of society back in The Real World only have 2 holes per toaster.
Unless you expect me to buy a 2nd toaster just so I could appropriately eat your
serving size you've gotta rethink this entire enterprise. What if
you just cook two, then when they're done, pop in another one?
Because then the first two will be cold you idiot. What about just
having two instead of three? I'm supposed to have three
you numbskull. They were very clear about that! Maybe you can
put them all in the oven, probably would cook them all at the same rate, it just
might take a bit longer. Take a bit longer? Are you even
listening to yourself I didn't get into the Consuming Food game to
take things any bit longer. Where do you get off and stuff.
Anyway that' a bit I'm working on. Maybe I can
do that for my 5 minutes, I don't know, its untested! What if I
scrunched up two waffles into one hole. That might work.
I don't think I have any left, though. This entire bit is based on my
life, yes, but my life from about 9 months ago. I finished those waffles
long long long ago. Ancient History. But the audience doesn't need
to know that!!! What else is going on. Kinda too similar to the
you ever notice the hot dogs come in packs of 6 and the hot dog buns in packs of
8 hack routine. Not only is it kinda similar,
it's the exact same routine now that I think about it. But I
have a hot take on that familiar trope. In that I'm extremely angry about
it, and try to reason with myself to figure out a way forward dealing with these
inconvenient truths, yet get increasingly angry with myself for trying to
find reason and compromise in a situation where there shouldn't be any real
problem in the first place.
What paragraph is this. I'm gonna guess fourth or
fifth! I was right! I did guess fourth or fifth!
Oh and also its the fifth. I wish there was a better way
for Thirding an Emphasis than underlining. We got bold and italics as a
first and second mode of emphasis. Great. I love bold, I love
italics, together, it's a dream-team-match-made-in-Heaven. I wanna start a
3rd mode of emphasis? I gotta use underlining and Underlining Sucks.
In an ideal world I would change the font size from 12 pt to 14 or
16 pt, that would suit me just fine, but it may mess with the entire format of
the website, just making that adjustment here and there. Not worth the
trouble, mixing up font size. I don't know, I've given us all a lot to
think about but the point is what else is going on. Finally watched
Central Park Five series. Finally watched A Star Is Born. I wasn't
paying too much attention to either, but I will say it seemed kind of egregious
when the Central Park Five won that Grammy and it was infuriating how Lady Gaga
had to go to jail for 13 years for a crime she was clearly innocent of.
Probably some social commentary in that, right? One
would assume. Someone said it, right. Why would someone say it if
there was nothing there. Wouldn't make sense. That's my
hypothesis. Sixth paragraph. Probably aim for 10 today and then call
it quits. Also, its possible I don't know what "Egregious" means, and
while I am aware I am using it incorrectly, I am so set in my ways that I refuse
to replace it with another word. That's life for ya.
Kinda egregious, right? I think in my mind it means something like
unnecessary or maybe unwarranted or something like that. In
real life it means, according to Google, "Outstandingly Bad; Shocking."
Yeah that's sort of what I mean. Like its unnecessary how
outstandingly bad and shocking it is. It's bad but the key thing to
remember is why even make it this bad? Nothing needs to be this bad.
Wonderful. Seventh paragraph! Been doing
a lot of listening to my own music the last few weeks or maybe even months.
Its fun because I'm all like I know this guy and also these songs! I
know what the next lyric is because it was me who what did that shit!
Sometimes I think about how there's no websites where the lyrics to my songs are
clearly lined up and I feel bad for anyone who has a lyric from a song of mine
pop into their head and there's no easy way for them to figure out what song its
from! Seems kind of egregious is the point. Anyway, I don't know,
three paragraphs to go after this one! Sweet deal. I haven't been in
any altered states lately. Drink alcohol here and there but the only time
I'm drinking enough/happen to be in a state of mind where I actually do let go a
bit is when I'm getting beer on the way home from Comedy Class. Other than
those moderate bursts of drunkenness, no variation over the last few months!
Variety is the spice of life. And spice is slang for
some drug probably at some point in the 19th or 20th century in some place on
the globe one would imagine right? My Dad's hip surgery is on Friday.
Here's wishing him the bluest skies, hoping something better comes tomorrow.
Hopin' all the verses rhyme, and very best of choruses to follow, etc.
From now on we should all just communicate in song lyrics. There's enough
songs around that we could do that competently I feel. Anything you need
to say, if there isn't already a song for it, then its not really worth saying
(Or, write the damn song yourself if you really need to say it-- not that hard
to write a song!)
DIY BYOB etc and whatnot. Penultimate paragraph!
That's a way of looking at what music is, though. It's just putting out
into the world a certain way of expressing one's feelings or thoughts or
whatever, from which others can take from you and leave as yours and/or make
their own. Or, more accurately, a template for feelings or
thoughts. Sorta the boilerplate for thoughts or feelings that other people
can project their personal stuff onto. Makes sense to me.
Get off my back about it and whatnot. Really pushing that title for a
potential The New Monkees song. Also, the album that gets released in real
life in-congruent with the first season of the show is called The New Monkees
Present: The New Monkees. Was The Monkees more of a sitcom or more of
a variety show? I can look it up myself but I feel like its the same as
getting guitar lessons. There's value and pride in being able to figure
something out doing it all by yourself.
So was it like a sitcom, or variety show, or some sort of
combo? Cause that's what I'm picturing for TNM. Combo!
Also, has anyone ever had the SnackMix Combos? Don't answer-- I don't
wanna know. Seems gross to me and if you say you've had them I'll throw up
all over myself. Actually I just looked up Combos and they look
pretty good. I wanna try it is the point but oh well too much pot
committed to a life where I'm avoiding Combos: The Snack. I'm in my 30's,
I'm set in my ways is the point. Anyway, last paragraph. Real
dilemma over what to have for dinner tonight. Kinda in the mood for some
Sweet. Like maybe Belgian Waffle & Chicken Fingers. On the menu,
they advertise it as Chicken and Waffles, but who do they think they're
fooling? Chicken and Waffles compromises of pieces of fried chicken.
Chicken fingers, while technically being fried chicken, c'mon, they're chicken
fingers, not fried chicken. And it's not even particularly crispy chicken
fingers. Might as well be baked, the amount of crispiness to these chicken
fingers. Oh, I know who they think they're fooling.
People who haven't ordered it yet. I pity them.
They're in for a rude awakening. See ya later.
Friday, June 7, 2019
Check Out This Title I've Been Working On
there it is. Send your thoughts/criticisms/praise to
email@example.com. Anyway, I
was listening to We Didn't Start The Fire last night, and I have several
thoughts on this! Thought #1-- without listening to it carefully in the
past, I kinda always assumed it listed things in chronological order.
Seems like it should, right? Was listening to it yesterday and realized
this guy is jumping back and forth, there's no narrative to this song!
Sort of removes some of its momentum and prescience* once you realize
that. Thought #2-- I think Chubby Checker should sue Billy Joel for
the lyric, "Chubby Checker, Psycho..." because it sounds like he's
calling Chubby Checker a psycho. It's not enunciated in such a way that
the listener can clearly tell they're two distinct references. So the
point is that's libel and Chubby Checker shouldn't have to stand for it!
Thought #3-- I always thought the line Trouble In The Suez was Trouble
In The Sewers and I was always kind of like Hmm what was going on in the
Great thing about Thought #3 is when I was just googling
that lyric just to confirm it is Suez and not Sewers is that a lot of
people seem to have mistaken that lyric for Trouble In The Sewers.
Which means that there's a whole generation of people my age who think
sometime in the relatively recent past I guess there was trouble in the sewers.
Hilarious. Hey it is the third day in a row with an entry. That's
pretty cool and whatnot. Was doing crappy in poker today, lost like 50% of
my bankroll, but ended up making a lot of it back. So all in all I feel
okay with how that went. Worked my way back up to a bankroll I would feel
pretty satisfied with withdrawing if such a thing were ever to occur. At
this point, probably not. Been waiting a year and a half for a TV.
Figure I'll have to wait at least twice that long for my Mom and Dad to read the
e-mail I sent them with articles in Forbes, CNN Money, and CNBC talking about
this BitCoin website and how its totally legitimate.
Because they don't think it is. That's whats preventing
me from withdrawing my money. Parents won't approve of me giving the
website personal information. So the point is they have to read an e-mail
for 5 minutes and that's just not gonna be in the cards any time soon!
Such is life I guess. Dunkin Donuts is promoting today as National Donut
Day so if you go there today you get a free donut with a purchase of a drink.
I told my Mom about this and she was surprised. Wow, I'm Surprised,
she seemed to think. They have a day for donuts?! she seemed to say
out loud, at least that's what I heard, so she probably actually did.
I don't think she realizes yeah its a day concocted to promote donuts.
It's not a freakin' federal holiday, National Donut Day. You don't need to
be surprised, we're not taking this too seriously and neither should you.
Fourth paragraph. What the what the what.
Havin' a bagel with lox for lunch again. I like it because it makes my
fingers oily which comes in handy later if you know what I mean I mean when
I'm coming in handy if you know what I mean I'm talking about
masturbation. I don't know if its just the nature of how online
pornography tends to work, but I feel like people who don't have actual sex
lives and rely on online pornography to get things done are encouraged to rely
on fetishizing stuff. Because there's scores of different kinds of
porn. And you don't have to be loyal to just one to be a fetishist.
You could like all the different kinds but still get off on fetishizing each one
I think. Anyway, that's the basis for a dissertation I'm gonna be working
on at some point once I figure out exactly what a dissertation is.
The main riff I had written about my mental illness before
the class even started, and I finally went through I think the 4th class, was
talking about how the paranoia and voices intersect to make it feel like my mind
is constantly under surveillance. Like everything I think or do is subtly
being observed by, like I said, some crossover between whatever neutral voice
I'm hearing now and then with the tendency towards paranoia. Anyway, the
riff is like, so I could be having breakfast and not like the way my eggs are
cooked and great now the background knows I had a shitty breakfast this
morning. And the second example was, word for word how I
wrote it before the class started (and not how I actually did it in
class), " 'I think I'm gonna jerk off to this porn'... Wonderful, now the
background knows my taste in pornography. Why did I have to choose this
video of two little people double teaming a girl while standing up on each other
as a totem pole?! I'll never be able to live this down!" That's why it
was relevant to the last paragraph.
Might as well share the third example I had wrote lo so
many months ago (3)-- " 'I think I'm gonna take this beginners
stand up comedy class.' Great, just great! I've been outed to the
background as someone who has dreams and may harbor feelings of believing in
myself to a large enough extent that I'm willing to take the first step and act
on them. How embarrassing!" And the thing is, the
voices happen rarely. 98% of the time, no voices. But just the
existing that 2% of the time affects my thought process 100% of the time!
Whatta jip! Maybe that explains Crazysheet a la lot. How?
I don't know! Maybe you do! Write in your answers to
firstname.lastname@example.org and if I agree
you with you may win a free Something I Don't Know Probably Not I Don't Have
Much Of Anything To Give Away But Oh Well What Can Ya Do. I like the
totem pole joke because it sounds funny but when you try to imagine it it
doesn't make 100% sense. That's not exactly how human bodies work, but
okay, I kinda see what you're going for. Wonderful! Finished
lunch #1. What paragraph is next. Seventh! Figure I'll take a
break after this sentence to take a walk and get that free donut. I'll be
We've All Got Our Own Titles In Life
I just have more than the average person,
that's all. Nothin' exceptional about that. That's just the way life
shakes and bakes 'em. Anyway. Seventh paragraph! Maybe write
ten, maybe more, I can't say at this point. Well, great, now what.
Took a walk. Nothin' exceptional about that. Most people can walk
for 30 minutes if they really had to. Get 'em a free donut with the
purchase of a medium or large beverage, ain't nothin' special there. Know
how to put a straw in beverage cup, the average person could figure that one
out. Put the straw in your mouth, suck a bit, consume that iced coffee, I
can't be the only person whose figured this out, can I?
Huh. Eighth paragraph! Every day I go back
and forth several times a day choosing what direction to face in with my laptop.
North, South, and East all have clean surfaces I can put laptop on to face that
way. Even West is possible in a pinch-- I wrote the first half of
yesterday's entry facing west-- it can be done. Started off the day facing
South while doing my exerise routine-- its the most convenient for accessing
computer while walking around in a circle. Then moved the computer to
accommodating me facing east for first segment of this entry. Now, back to
facing South! The point is I have a lot going for me in terms of
possibilities on what direction to face. Most people don't have such a
luxury of choices. They have a desk, they put their computer on the desk,
and that's it, they get one direction. I get three directions! I
feel bad for anyone who gets One Direction. I'm not even sure
One Direction gets One Direction. I kinda hope not, for their
Ninth paragraph! Let's see, words, words, what are
some words I've seen or heard. That I could re-appropriate to make my own.
What else. It's my half birthday in 5 days! 30.5 for me, thanks very
much. Finally, I'm officially an adult! I'm in my 30's, but
not exactly 30! I mean, you're in your 30's, you're an adult. But if
you're just 30, with nothin' extra, yeah, you're hardly even barely in
your thirties. But once you're 30.5? That's definitively past
just 30! Now I'm an adult at 30.5! I feel very strongly about
this. I don't know, probably. Probably just wrap up the entry
after the next paragraph. No point in prolonging this bullshit any more
than absolutely necessary. Wait so its necessary to prolong this
bullshit to some extent? Well, lets think about it. Even
one sentence is more than this should be. The fact that it exists at all
is already too much. I think most of us can agree with that.
But the point is Huh? According to One
Direction, not knowing you're beautiful is what makes you beautiful. That
sounds like some weird fetish shit. You get off on people with low self
esteem? That's what you're into? What kinda assholes are you?
Sure I know a One Direction song what of it. Get off my back about
it is the point. I was actually successful yesterday at falling asleep for
an hour or two in the late afternoon. I wanna do that all the time every
day. Well, not all the time every day. Every day but for only one or
two hours at a time each day. It makes everything so much better, a nice
well placed routinely happening nap. The point is hey the entry is over!
Will there be a new one tomorrow? What the Fuck am I some kinda
soothsayer? Get off my back about it!
* -- I meant to say "Presence." Prescience is definitely funnier, though
Thursday, June 6, 2019
Crazysheet: The Penultimate Frontier
That sounds about accurate. I've been
doing this for a long time with the sometimes conscious/sometimes subconscious
hope it leads to something else. Whatever that is, that's the Ultimate
Frontier. I've been stuck here in Penultimate Frontier for, what, seven
years? That's a long time to be on a frontier level without it being the
ultimate one. But I'm not complaining. We each go through frontiers
in life at our own pace and part of life is accepting that. Another part
of life is finding it unacceptable. And yet a third part of life is
not acknowledging it at all. I don't know what I'm talking about,
either. I just saw the word penultimate and it made me feel like
there's something worthwhile to this rant because of how much I love that word
and it makes me feel like anything involving penultimation must be
Yeah! I don't know. Do you? Someone's
gotta know! Second day in a row with an entry potentially. It's very
rare I'll scrap an entry I already started, but it's probably happened once or
twice in my past. I'm not proud of that part of my life. You
know, the Scraps part of my life. All things in life are
precious and we shouldn't be making Scraps of any of it. What else.
Just finished my morning exercise routine. Popped a can of beer.
Gonna start eating lunch in 15 minutes or so. It's a good way to start a
day! More or less what I've been doing the last few weeks so I'm pot
committed to this routine is the point! Speaking of being committed to
pot, I've been sorta hankering for marijuana lately. Part of it may be
that I'm far enough away from smoking cigarettes that I'm sorta realizing all
along I just wanted to smoke weed, and I couldn't, so I just smoked cigarettes
instead. I couldn't for multiple reasons, most importantly I never
really had a dealer of my own. Always sorta had to get it through
For a couple of years, that was probably my biggest
logistical problem in life. Wanting unlimited Weed yet having no avenue to
get it for the most part. Had to wait until a friend was gonna get some,
then piggyback on that. It's not that I didn't want a dealer.
I just didn't have one. I'd be comfortable seeing some semi-shady
character, sure, why not, I don't care. I just never did my homework
enough to find one. Anyway, what else is going on. Anyway. The
other reason I couldn't smoke weed for a long time was because I've been living
at home, my parents would be able to smell it, and it just wouldn't be worth all
the fights about it. Also, every time I've smoked weed in the past 8
years it makes me feel shitty. Increases the currently existing mental
illness symptoms exponentially. But that phase of my life might be over,
right? Maybe I can handle it again? Who knows for sure.
The point is what else is going on. Fourth paragraph.
Gonna bring up lunch to my room after this one I guess. Gotta do something
at some point! Otherwise you'd just be hanging around waiting for
something to happen, and without you doing anything, nothing ever happens.
It's a real paradox. No it isn't. It makes perfect sense. A leads
to B. B can't happen without A. No paradox! It's simple!
I don't know. May not be a paradox, but that's an assumption you can't be
making. Just because A leads to B doesn't mean B can't happen without A.
Nowhere in, "A leading to B," does it specify that there aren't other ways of
instigating B to happen! I've given us all a lot to think about is the
point and its time to eat lunch! Making points? Eating lunch?
This Paragraph Is Going Great So Far! Also, permanently.
No more to this paragraph anymore to impede its momentum. It'll stop at It
Was Going Great.
Mmm that's good lunch. Same lunch as yesterday--
subway w/ some air popped chips. Only difference is I ditched the Sweet
Peppers for Banana Peppers. Sweet Peppers were good as far as I could
tell-- but they're 15 calories! Banana peppers are zero! See you in
Hell sweet peppers! Look, I know what the Subway Nutritional guide says
about these vegetable toppings, but there's no way that 90% of them are
actually zero calories. It just can't be true. Food has
calories. But oh well, I'll suspend disbelief for lunch. If
you're not gonna suspend your disbelief for lunch, when will you? I
guess, I don't know, something along those lines for some reason. Also,
there's a recurring theme of investigating Subway's Nutritional Information
where the nutrition they advertise at the store is contradictory to the
information they have on the website. It's almost like there's no
rules and they can just say whatever they want!
IT'S A SCAM. We need a governmental
agency to tell us in certain terms how many calories we're eating. I can't
think of anything more important that the Democratic Presidential Candidates
should be talking about. Proposing Government Agency to help us count
calories accurately. Warren, I'm looking at you! You seem to like
proposing plans. Also, Hey Dude I'm thinking about asking my
girlfriend to marry me. Awesome bud! What are your proposing
plans? I don't know, what else is going on. I think
getting married is biased against people who have enough confidence to ask
another person to spend the rest of their life with them. What if I meet a
girl and we get to know each other and there's a mutual love that grows and we
each want to be together forever but I'm just too shy to propose.
Rigged! The game is messed up and no one is willing to clean it.
Also, obviously the last few years we've been trying to make strides in gender
equality-- so is it a thing now where the women propose to the men?
Definitely seems like a trend that should happen and
if it were happening people would be covering it or talking about it because
its interesting. But I haven't heard anything about it, so maybe it
isn't happening yet. But seems like something that'll start catching on,
right? Anyway, what else is going on. Seventh paragraph. Gonna
aim for at least 10 before I take my walk/iced coffee break. Maybe even
more, I don't know!!! For some reason, ever since I was in high school,
when there was one particular girl in school I had a huge crush on, I wanted to
go to Disney World on our honeymoon. I don't like Disney movies or shows
that much. I went to Disney World with my family when I was 8.
It was okay. But just being that age, 13 or 14, and having this huge
crush on this girl, for some reason the idea was implanted in my head
fromfrom somewhere hey lets start our new life together At Disney
World! And the main draw was, I remember I once had breakfast there, at
our specific hotel resort within Disney World, where the Belgian waffle was
shaped like Mickey Mouse's head. And I wanted that Waffle for me and my
bride to be.
Never panned out, though. Such is life. Now
that I think about it, it must have been something along the lines of that
vacation with my family made me feel like Family In General so I wanna Start My
Own Family That Way. Who knows for sure, though. Maybe I'm
just weird. Eighth paragraph. Wonderful! Also, Disneyworld.
Fuck Disneyland. I ain't goin' to fuckin' Disneyland like a chump,
I'm stickin' with Disney World! Last week or so I've not stuck to the 2
smaller lunches each day plan, instead having one smaller lunch and a bunch of
snacks. Today? Gonna try a 2nd same-size lunch instead of the
equivalent amount of calories in snacks! I gotta see this through the only
way I know how! By doing it and whatnot! Gonna write one more
paragraph, nine overall, then take a walk! Great!
Cool. Also, I'm not sure I want to be Iamb St. Marks in
The New Monkees. That would affect my ability to go to Disney World
with my wife and perhaps future family anonymously. I'm not sure I wanna
give that up! Crap and crap. I like how the mainstream media (MSNBC)
shows its bias towards Joe Biden by having their somewhat critical coverage of
him focus on oh boy what gaffe is he gonna make!?! Is he
gonna stick his foot in his mouth on this one?! How's this for a
gaffe-- he doesn't represent the priorities and values that the majority of
Democratic Voters want. Talk about shooting yourself in the foot!
I feel very strongly about this. Well, a little strongly.
I feel vaguely strong about this is the point. Anyway. I had 2 cans
of beer left from when I got a pack 3 weeks ago, and originally the plan for
today was have both of 'em and also roughly 1 unit of whiskey. 2/3rds
through 1st beer and might just cut it off after this one is done! The
point is Walk Time Alright Lets Do It. See ya soon!
I Drank Enough I Guess
Finished that one beer, that'll do it for
today I guess. Also the big news is the plan is to eat one of those
Convenient Store Jumbo Cookies for Lunch #2 later! So all in all it should
be a pretty good day when all is said and done. Not really.
As each day comes and goes, I find some good in each day, and some bad.
But by the next day, I mainly remember the bad/mediocrity of the previous day.
There's some decent parts but the lasting impression of most days is yeah
that was kind of unnecessary, didn't get much out of that. But that's
life I guess, am I right? Probably. It's one person thinking It's
Right compared to zero people thinking Anything Else. Such is a life
of solitude. Gotta act based on your own instincts cause you have no other
opinions or ideas or plans to be exposed to.
11th paragraph. Figure I'll be going for 15!
Wonderful. Poker is going okay. Still at a level where if I were to
withdraw it now it would be a pretty decent payday. I've never had a
Payday Candy Bar. Nuts ain't my thing. So stop asking me about
it! About what? I don't know, you figure it out! I've
grown to appreciate some kind of nuts that could be in candy bars, but peanuts?
No thanks! Today is 6/6/19. I remember exactly 13 years ago there
was a remake of The Omen that was released on 6/6/06. I never saw it.
Probably wasn't that good. But the advertising campaign? Making use
of that exact release date?! Whatta success!!!!! I still
remember it lo these many years later. Wonder if the movie was any
good. Probably not.
What else is going on. They should make a
Palindrome Crossover Movie Finding Nemo Omen Gnidnif. It's My Website,
deal with it! I've been pretty good at drinking only one or two brands
of soda at a time, as opposed to four or five. It's important, because
that way my soda bottles take up less space in the fridge. In an ideal
world, sure, I'd have 6 different flavors at a time ready for the drinking.
But this isn't an ideal world. There's not unlimited space in the
refrigerator. So I'm doing my family a Solid by only having two different
flavors, tops, in the fridge at once. And I'm okay with it! I can
live with it. It's not so bad. And knowing that I'm doing right by
my family makes it all worth it is the point.
What else is going on. My Dad regularly complains that
I have too much grocery stuff taking up cabinet room in the kitchen. The
cabinnits aren't over flowing. They're 90% full. And there's no
struggle where my Mom or my Dad want to get something, grocery-wise, but decide
against it because there's simply no room. So, essentially, my Dad's
argument is Your stuff is taking up too much room! and my response is
but there is room and his response is... I don't
know, What The Hell Is His Problem, That's The Point I'm Trying To Make.
Taking up too much room in the fridge? That I can kinda understand.
But just random cabinet space? That would just be going unused if I had
less stuff? C'mon. What's the big deal is the point.
Two paragraphs to go. I LIKE TO HAVE A VARIETY OF
FOOD AND DRINK. I LIKE CHOICES. WHY AM I BEING SHAMED FOR THIS?
SO WHAT IF I WANT 6 DIFFERENT FLAVORS OF SODA ALL IN THE SAME DAY. VARIETY
IS THE SPICE OF LIFE DUMBIES. I feel very strongly about this and
so on and so forth. Anyway. The relatively brief moments of lucidity
I have when I'm playing poker and I truly realize oh of course this isn't
rigged. This is just me playing a game, part skill part luck, and I can do
well or not largely based on whether I'm playing well or not. It makes
it a lot more fun! Thinking I have some influence on what ultimately
happens as opposed to just being beholden to whatever/however its being plotted
out for me. Ah, brief moments of clarity. What would I do without
Them brief moments of Sanity almost make all the
In-Sanity worth it! If you're not crazy half the time, you would never
know how to truly appreciate the times you are normal. Anyway, gettin' to
be time to wrap this up. Wonderful. What do I got goin' on in the
immediate future. Final Class is next Tuesday. Culminating Show is
in a week and a half. Lemme know if you wanna come. Just "DM" me or
"Text Me" or "Send Me a Hashtag," I Don't Know, However Communication
These Days Works. Tis Sunday June 23rd Afternoon Caroline's City NYC
Earth. Anyway, I'll see ya'll later. Peace!
Wednesday, June 5, 2019
Not Everything Is Rigged
The trick is figuring out what what is
rigged and what is not. And then, even more importantly, of the
things that are rigged, dividing them into things that are rigged in your
favor and things that are rigged against you and/or your sensibilities.
It can get pretty complicated out there! But once going through this
process you can feel free to do and expose yourself to things that aren't
rigged at all (go for it! you never know what'll happen!) and certainly
you owe it to yourself to absolutely do things and be exposed to things
rigged in your favor! Universe is giving you some free love, take it,
don't be a dick! Universe put a lot of effort rigging things for you, what
are you gonna do, just say no? Where do you get off!!!
Anyway. Had comedy class #5 of 6 yesterday.
Didn't do too great. Tolda couple of jokes about my last set talking about
mental illness, then segued into a bit about my current, most pronounced mental
problem-- compulsive and paranoid gambling. Most of the, "Jokes," were
stuff I'd said here over the last few weeks. Didn't knock it out of the
park, but some stuff was okay. The point is I'm trying a new vegetable
topping for my subway sandwich and its okay. I'd been getting the trio of
Lettuce & Onion & Jalapeño Peppers. Saw another promising topping in a
tray and they were like it's sweet peppers. It's good! They
had no responsibility to endorse sweet peppers. I highly doubt there's
some higher up at Subway saying push the sweet peppers--- sure, we're giving
it away for free, so you'd think we don't wanna encourage more vegetable topping
usage in the first place-- but we're so confident that people are gonna like
what they get from sweet peppers they'll start coming to Subway more.
That's how good these sweet peppers are. OH, ONE MORE THING, don't bring
it up to them. Wait till the customer asks you, "what is that?"
Then we've got them right where we want them!
That's how the world works in my mind. Sorry.
I'm gonna miss comedy class. It was fun! Fun time had by all.
Presumably. The thing about doing my mental illness stuff at the show
is that, on the one hand, who gives a fuck, I'll do whatever Teacher and Class
suggest I do, I just wanna do well and I trust their judgment to some extent.
On the other hand, on the off chance there's one or two low level industry
people in the audience (which I think the teacher tries her best to arrange),
you only get one chance at a first impression. If I'm, that guy who
talks about his mental illness, that's it, there's my permanent first
impression. And that's not even really the guy I wanna be deep down.
Also complicating things is I've got no better routine to fall back on.
Maybe first impressions aren't that important.
Anyone in the audience would probably realize obviously this guy is a
beginner and trying to find his voice. Don't take his current crap too
seriously. If only, "Industry People," were as kind and generous and
forgiving as you and I. Fourth paragraph. Almost done with my lunch.
First lunch, at least. Gonna take a walk after the next paragraph I guess.
Why not! Let's go nuts with the walking and whatnot. Went to
Supermarket again today. It's fun! I get to look at cookies, look at
their calories, see they're pretty much what I expected, and go not for me!
and then put them back. It's fun. Anyway. I think I like the
sweet peppers but its hard to say because I haven't eaten one individually, I
just notice that the sandwich itself in completion is tasting pretty good.
So, great, wonderful, my sandwich has got that going for it.
The more I read about/think about the controversy over
admissions to the NYC specialized high schools (I'm sticking with Stuy/Bronx Sci/Brooklyn
Tech! I know there's more now but fuck em! we big three are
in a league of our own! Also, to be honest, Stuy and Bronx Sci
are in a little bit of a better league than Brooklyn Tech. And let's
get real. Stuy is the Best Of The best!) But anyway the
point is, instinctually I was on the side of keeping the test as the sole
process of admission, pretty much for the selfish reason of if it was based on
something else I wouldn't have gotten in. But the argument that to
do good on the test, kids benefit enormously from a culture where their parents
pay for test prep-- not just having parents who encourage it, but also parents
who can afford it, and, lets be honest, parents who even know its a
possibility they should consider. I had the test prep! I dunno
if I coulda passed without it. Probably could, that's my opinion!
But having taken the test prep I fuckin knocked my score out of the park.
So, there's definitely something there to think about.
Also, the more I think about it, the harder it is to
conceptualize thinking a standardized test is fair and each kid has had the same
opportunity to prepare and it just so happens black and Latinx kids get admitted
at an insanely low rate. How can you reconcile that opinion with not
unconsciously thinking well I guess they're just not as smart as other kids!
I don't know. Maybe some sort of process where you get some people
admitted through a test and some through exceptional work in middle school.
Neither system is perfect for a variety of reasons, but, either way, the goal of
making the demographics of elite NYC high schools actually look similar to the
communities that they claim to represent has to be a good thing. And if we
accept that there's no reason to think one race or another has any more of a
claim on Relatively-Super-Smartness Kids, then it just becomes obviously
clear something needs to change. And that doesn't even address that kids
of any background would substantially benefit from being around kids of
any and other background. Good for everybody! Anyway, ran on to
get to six paragraphs accidentally. Gonna take that walk now.
The Good News Is
I just remembered I full on pissed myself last
night. I had been drinking-- a fair amount, but not a crazy amount.
I got 2 24 oz cans from Penn Station. By the time I got to Bayside
Station, walked half a mile to the bus stop, was waiting for the bus... you
should know, I have to use the bathroom all the time, even when I haven't been
drinking. Literally 75% of the half-hour walks I take, by the last 5
minutes, I'm praying I get back to my house in time. And I do! But,
anyway, this occasion, being drunk played a part in making me feel eh fuck it
les just go with this. I think the first drop was unintentional, but
once it started going, I kinda remember being like no one else around here.
No one's gonna be able to see any line of piss stain on my pants for the rest of
the day. They'd have to be looking really carefully. Let's Do This!
And, you know what? Great experience. It was so much fun and
pleasing to find out fuck social norms lets just piss when we want.
What do they do in the animal kingdom? There's a family
of lions or something, does one go, hey brb gotta piss. And then
walks away just to urinate? Or do they just continue hanging out
doing what they're doing and one pisses. Who cares?! It's not
effecting you. Just deal with it you puritanical assholes!!! I'd
like to think there was role playing involved in Donald Trump's Pee Tape.
I'm under the impression the prostitute he paid was the pee-er and not Trump.
So, was it something like, the prostitute has to go, Please I know we're in
the middle of important business meeting but I must excuse myself. And
Trump is like this is a very important meeting, I can't allow you to leave.
And the prostitute is like Please Mr. Trump I can't hold it in any longer!
and and Trump is like I'm afraid I can't help you. And then the
prostitute pees and Trump is like... hmmm... dunno how this scenario ends
exactly. I'm thankful to Allah that I can't assume too deeply
about what kind of sexual fantasies Trump actually has specifically.
I think we should all thank our lucky stars for that.
Wonderful. What paragraph We At. Ninth.
One things for sure-- crazysheet is rigged in my favor. It may not
always pay off the way I want it to, it may not always work to my advantage, but
certainly the goal is to elevate my prospects as opposed to being fair to
everyone all around the world. When you have a website, you can choose
to rig it anyway you want. My website? My rules!
Figure I'll aim for 15 paragraphs at this point. Made possible tentative
plans to do some open mics with people from class. No idea if that'll
actually pan out but we'll see I guess! Gotta do something, that's my
motto. Oh, hey, I slept walked again last night! Apparently I was
trying to take my evening medications again and my Dad was like you already
did that and I argued with him, only to go upstairs and into my brother's
vacated bedroom (been empty for a decade or so) and go to sleep there.
Also, used to be my bedroom. I lived there until brother went to college.
Then he went to college, I moved into his room, which was bigger. When
brother came home from college, he moved into my old room,
which was smaller. Now he's gone, I'm in the big room, but yesterday I
went to sleep in the small room for a while before I apparently got up and left
and ended up waking up in my own bed with no recollection of any of it.
The point is All The Bedrooms Should Be Mine.
I'm like the Genghis Khan of bedrooms. Instead of of raping
women. All bedrooms belong to me! I'll sleep in your bedroom if
you let me in the house. That's a warning and a promise. Anyway,
finish this paragraph, that's the end of Part II of the entry. I can't
wait! Whatta do with the rest of my day. Well, write five more
paragraphs, that's a given. Then muck around somehow in some way thats
relatively healthy, isn't participating in a rigged-against-me framework, is
comfortable and not difficult, and could be the start of a new routine.
Hmm. Lie in bed. Only option I could think of that fits all those
checkmarks. And even that's stretching it. But lying in bed is
the only hope I have. May not work, no, it may not. But there's no
The Bad News Isn't
I guess. I think if Trump stopped using
the phrase Fake news and started referring to press he doesn't like as
Bad News Bears a lot more of us would be on his side. I don't care how
much you hate the guy, his policies, his values-- you see a president repeatedly
referring to press that makes him look bad as Bad News Bears, it's gonna
elicit a chuckle every now and then. And that's pretty much his best case
scenario at this point. Making reasonable people chuckle now and then.
I can't think of anything more he could hope for at this point. I guess.
I gotta haircut! I like it because its still me but with less hair.
Well, mostly the same amount of hair. Just a lot shorter. And
less facial hair. Although, at this point since the haircut, 48 hours
or so, probably same amount of facial hair-- just shorter. For a
short period of time I'd be comfortable saying nope no facial hair at all
48 hours in, though? Probably back to the same amount of facial
hair, just significantly shorter.
Fascinating. Four paragraphs to go
theoretically! Something they should ask at the Democratic Primary Debate
is if you're out of the race, which candidate would you support.
Really separate the wheat from the chaff. Let's make these people trying
to court progressives & moderates tell us what they're really all about.
My guess is they'd all say Pete Buttigieg because who knows what he is and it
makes them look LGBTQ friendly and also they know he probably won't get the
nomination because the country isn't as LGBTQ friendly as they're pretending to
be for the duration of this imaginary debate question. I guess. Is
it offensive to point out that the first four letters of Pete' Buttigieg's last
name is Butt? I can't be the only one who has noticed this, but I
guess most people are more respectful of me. Hey Cory Booker, Kamala
Harris, Beto O Rourke. Who do you prefer, Sanders? Warren? or Biden?
It's a real unfair Gotcha Question because the meaning of asking it
is to help us Getcha as a candidate and what you stand for. I Am
I originally said, "Sanders/Warren or Biden," but
realized that's not fair. They're separately the 3 leaders in polls, and
Sanders and Warren aren't just close enough to each other. They
deserve their own lane. But the point still is, progressive or
moderate. Let's see ya whose side you're gonna be on once you're most likely out
of the race. Whatever, this is the 13th paragraph, meaning two more
after this one! I don't believe it. One way out of answering that
question-- whichever one is more likely to beat Trump! or another copout
is That's not up to me! Whichever one the people choose to vote for!
One way out of buying those answers to that question-- Have some balls you
jerks and just tell us who you are and what policies and ideology you truly
Cool. Two more paragraphs. Been drinking some
of the neon mountain dew again. I like it because it makes me feel like
I'm turning radioactive or something. Like, after drinking this, I'll turn
into the Green Goblin or maybe The Hulk or maybe some sort of Re-Animator zombie
type thing except for the fact that I'm already actually alive so can't really
turn into a zombie. Gotta die before you can become a zombie. Talk
about an exclusive club! To join you have to be willing to be dead.
After so much of your life being alive! I don't know what I'm
talking about. I remember for a couple of years, between going to NYU and
finally returning partially-full-time at Queens College to finish up my degree,
one drink I would get from the liquor store now and then was called Zombie
or something. I think it was some sort of flavored vodka that had a really
low alcohol level, it was like buying a pre-mixed drink sorta. Zombie.
And this was a period of time I was still hiding, or trying to hide, my alcohol
use from my parents. So it couldn't have been more than half a dozen times
I got Zombie Drink. But it was fun!!!!!!!!!
Last paragraph. I think my favorite soda of all
time was Mountain Dew: Code Red, wich was like a cherry mountain dew. And
also presumably was some sort of energy drink. They added energy to the
soda. I got it a lot in high school. But it doesn't come in diet, so
there goes that. I also remember in high school getting a straight-up
energy drink called Bawls. Came in like a blue perforated bottle.
With thse little bubble bumps on the bottle, you know, perforated. And I
would tell my friends how much I loved suckin on Bawls. The point is if
only we all felt comfortable pissing ourselves as long as we're in a situation
no one will ever know we'd be happier and feel more in control of our lives.
I say to all of you-- go out tonight! Find a secluded spot!
Somewhere you feel safe. And leave your pants on, that's part of the fun!
And then.... Just Let It Go!
Sunday, June 2, 2019
You Don't Have To Read This
But I have to write it. Doesn't seem
fair. Anyway, new month, new lunch, new entry! Lunch is same lunch
as last time-- bagel w/ lox. It's a new bagel though. And some
new lox. I didn't just throw up or poop out the same bagel w/lox and
re-eat it. At least I don't think I did. Maybe I did some
Sleep-Bulemia-ing and put the results back in the fridge. I wouldn't put
it past me!!! Sure. Great. I got that going for me.
Anyway, gotta come up with another minute or two on Mental Illness for next
class in 2 days. I came up with one new joke about it, where I say
talking about my mental illness, specifically the voices intersected with the
paranoia, sorta has the Freddy Krueger effect. They have no power until I
start talking about it and then that's when it can do damage. Gotta
phrase it better but yeah sure it's also not that funny but accurate very
The truth is funny. That's a truism I've learnt over my
30 years In Life. Like that piece of dialogue, You can't handle the
truth! Most people only know that part of the quote, but if you watch
the movie, it's continued... You can't handle the truth! It's
gutbustingly funny! You'll split your sides and whatnot because the truth
is so hilarious!!! Funny truism, that. I gotta quit playing
poker. Really this time. Really. I'm at a level where it's a
decent payday based on what I deposited. And it just ticks me off playing
it. Just stop! Maybe this is the time I will succeed in stopping.
Like that time I quit cigarettes! Anyway, I was considering getting a
haircut this weekend, but then I had a dream two nights ago where my hair had
grown out a bit similar to longer lengths of hair I've had in my past and in the
dream I was like alright I like this hair lets get there again but now
that I think about it I II kinda want the haircut.
Hilarious! All I'm doing is telling the truth!
And this bit about Should I Get A Haircut? is gutbustingly funny!!
Wonderful. Anyway it's a Sunday Afternoon. We have that collectively
going for us. Right now the idea is write 10 paragraphs, take a walk, get
2nd iced coffee of the day, come back and finish the entry. We'll see how
that plan goes. It's been more or less the routine the last couple of
weeks here. I like routines! But to be honest only routines that
don't last very long. I like a routine that lasts about a week or two, a
month tops. Serves its purpose. Then after a month, start a new
routine! Why rest on your laurels on some B+ routine when the next routine
may or may not get into A-/A territory? Gotta push the envelope!
Which is an expression for some reason! Presumably because the noun
envelope combined with the verb pushing make sense together for some
I looked up that phrase on Google and now I know why it
makes sense. I could tell you, but then you'd never learn how to find
things out for yourself. If you give a man a fish (me telling you what
Pushing The Envelope really means) he'll eat for just one day (not bad-- getting
a whole days eating out of a fish-- but not the best case scenario), but if you
teach a man to fish (making you go out on your own in life to find the meaning
of Pushing The Envelope) he'll eat forever I guess as long as there's always
fish around which isn't really a given considering how overfishing is a serious
problem across the globe specifically in communities where they rely on
fishing for their diet. Actually, I changed my mind. I
shouldn't be teaching someone how to fish. That's actually bad for
the environment!!! If anything, we should be teaching fisherman how to
stop knowing how to fish! We've got an overfishing problem!
So the point is the word Envelope has some special meaning in
mathematics and that's where the phrase originated from. And don't even
think about fishing! Fifth paragraph. Wonderful.
Just finished my lunch. I had that going for me. Now its over.
Anyway. I've had a weird thing several nights over the last week or two
where I wake up in the middle of the night, pop in two pieces of gum, and then
when I wake up in the morning I'm still chewing the gum. Pretty strange
stuff, right? Awesome. Dunno what I'm gonna do in a few
weeks when Stand Up Class and Culminating Performance is over. As of now,
probably not gonna pursue doing stand up further. But that could change
based on how the last two classes and more specifically the actual performance
goes. The good news is either way Hey I'm just about done dieting I'ma
go back to eating more crap.
So I got that going for me is the point. Went to
see Rocketman: The Movie yesterday. It was okay I guess. If I'm not
gonna be pursing stand up, then what? Maybe try to start working on The
New Monkees again. That seems like a Productive but also a Hassle.
But maybe now that I've shared with the world my intentions regarding The New
Monkees it'll open up my mind a bit to start working on it creatively in a way
that closed itself off to me when I stopped working on it previously a few
months ago. Sure that run on sentence made sense. Why else would
I write it? Everything I write makes sense. That's my
Seventh paragraph! I can't believe it. I was
listening to these two albums I had made several years ago of songs I had
recorded from 2007-2010, and I was like hey I remember deluding myself into
thinking these songs were great back then and now that time has passed
I can delude myself in all new ways thinking these songs are great
now! Such is the passage of time I guess. The point is I
should probably get a haircut tomorrow but I have no idea if I actually will or
not. You give a man a haircut, he doesn't have... as much hair... as he
used to. Teach a man to haircut, though, and he... can give other people
haircuts now... doesn't really help him, though. Can't cut your own hair.
But he can charge people when he cuts their hair. So he can afford
only the best barbers for himself. So I guess its good for his own hair in
the abstract if he plays his cards right.
It's hard to play your cards right when the universe is
rigging the game against/for you!!! Sometimes against you and sometimes
for you! That's how tricky the universe is! Always keeping you on
your toes. Ya never know when its rigged against you and when its rigged
for you! Damn Universe, thinks its so smart. Well, Mr. Smart
Universe, what if I just stop caring Now what are ya gonna do!!
Hah I beat the univ-- shit that must have been what the universe wanted all
along in the first place. I fell right into the universe's trap
when it used the oldest trick in the book! Oh well such is life.
That expression is weird, too. Where can I find this Book of Tricks that's
so often alluded to? As far as I know there isn't some really popular old
book that's just a book of tricks. Unless you count the Bible which tricks
people I guess. I don't care!
Ninth paragraph. Wonderful. Presumably once the
ice caps melt that'll mean More Fish. Fish need water to survive.
More water means more fish. That's my understanding of how things work.
Science Prize, please. Wasn't there some Republican a couple of
months ago who said the solution to global warming was Lets Fuck Some More?
He phrased it like if we have more children that'll solve that problem
which is already pretty funny in how nonsensical it is, but when you translate
it from Having Children Saves The World into Let's Fuck Some More to Save the
World it takes on a whole new life of its own. Anyway, what else is
going on. I don't get powerful politicians and businesspeople who don't
wanna do a thing about global warming. How fuckin' evil do you have to be
to see the planet and our species in insane catastrophic and irreversible danger
and just think eh whatever I still got mine. I mean, okay, I
would've guessed there's some real villains out there that may feel that way.
But So Many of them that that's the prevailing opinion? What
the Hell is wrong with people?!?!
Probably too busy gettin' played by Mr. Smart Universe.
Universe don't like mankind for some reason. No one is really sure why.
Anyway, walking break after this paragraph. I guess. Started
watching the series about the Central Park 5 kids and it seems well done but I
had to stop halfway through the first episode because it wasn't as light and
breezy as I thought it would be! Had to switch over the binge watching
Duckman. I'll continue watching the Central Park 5 series at different
times of the day where I'm more open to drama instead of comedy. If
only Duckman was on the case of the Central Park 5 from the beginning he'd have
found the real perpetrators. Probably not. He's not a very good
investigator, even though that's his job. Kinda a running joke in the
series. Anyway life sucks is the point. I'm gonna take a walk.
See ya soon!
When Was The Last Time You Titled Something?
I dunno, about an hour and a half ago?
Well, actually, about a second and a half ago. But before then, yeah,
about an hour and a half ago. Wait I was talking to you not me.
I always get those two confused! Anyway jeez we're into Summer Weather and
I love it! Reminds me of my youth. Chillin' in the summer during
NYU. Smokin' weed. Eatin' chicken parmesan. Writin' songs and
playing electric guitar. While smokin' weed. Listening to music.
And watching comedy. While smokin' weed. Good times.
Anyway, jeez, it's 2019 not 2007 or 2008. Damnit for a second I was
back there. Such is life! Anyway, lets get on with the entry.
And life, presumably. Life must go on! At least for a while.
Then eventually that ends completely, too. Shit I wasn't counting on
that turn of events. Dying! After spending so much
time living! Doesn't seem right!
When I was a kid I was scared to death of dying. I
thought about it all the time. How one day, extremely soon in the big
scheme of things, I will cease being. Then darkness forever.
Forever! Luckily I was able to get over it by stopping to care about
everything-- even life and death matters like life and death. Thanks
Universe for helping me learn how to stop caring! That's a pretty good
title for something, though, I guess. Life & Death Matters, something like
that. Anyway, jeez, what else is going on. The interesting thing is,
though, I may be of a generation where by the time I'm 80, I don't know, maybe
we will have some way of preserving human consciousness into a machine or
something. It could happen! That would suck, though, too.
Things would get boring living in Tron forever and then you'd have to decide
yourself when to literally pull the plug. Which just adds the insult
to injury of dying, I think.
Jeez. Thirteenth paragraph! Anyway. Maybe
eat some sort of banana later. Best believe it! If Tron: Legacy did
poorly at the Box Office, one of those Hollywood rags coulda had a cover story
about it going New Tron Bomb! I don't know, something like that.
I never saw any of those movies. I don't know why. I decided to
bring some alcohol and one of those jumbo convenience store cookies into
watching Rocketman because I figured it was within the spirit of the movie to
consume things recklessly and in excess. If I wasn't eating a giant
cookie, then was I really getting all I could out of the Elton John experience?
My guess is probably not. Anyway. Had an interaction with a
Starbucks employee yesterday or the day before. She was like becoming a
coffee addict, huh? cause it was my second time in the store that day.
I was like yeah... you must see a lot of that and she was like yeah
I've become one, too! then we made plans to see each other later but only in
the capacity of our already-laid-out relationship of customer and employee and
it would only occur in Starbucks and we didn't so much explicitly lay out these
plans but they were sort of implied.
In other words, I exchanged three lines of dialogue with
someone and then we each went our separate ways. Worlds apart!
Something along those lines. 14th paragraph. Maybe end this entry
after 15. Seems like a good way to continue working along a B+ routine.
That's a pretty good routine. Very respectable, a B+ is. That's my
hypothesis. As of now, leaning towards getting a haircut tomorrow.
And make 'em shave me, too! I got better things to do rather than shave
myself! Anyway. Last class, teacher was like did you go to the
beach or something? Your face has more color. And I was like,
no... I shaved, though and she was like Yup that's it! The
point is sometimes I do things which an adult man would do and people are
surprised about it.
Last paragraph! Best case scenario for the rest of the
day? Get in a nice 1 or 2 hour nap. Oh man would that be sweet.
Can't hurt to dream! Haven't played guitar in a while. I can do
that. But if I'm not high or at least drunk, what's the point.
You need to take drugs for inspiration if you want to do something creatively!
If there's one thing I hope people take away from my work, its that.
Anyway jeez. Lie down. Maybe listen to some music at least.
Not my own. Maybe jerk off to dozing off and then maybe I'll feel so
content from the jerking off that I'll doze off in real life. I've had
worse schemes. I mean, I haven't had any schemes that were less likely of
succeeding. But I have had schemes that wouldn't make me as happy as that.
Actually, its tough to think of a scheme that would make me happier than
jerk off, fall asleep. That's pretty much the tops in terms of what
would make me happy in life. See ya later.