February 26, 2020
A World Without
Sounds wonderful. Yes sounds are wonderful but
have you heard the good news about visions? Feels are fine, taste is
great-- we can all agree we can mostly do without smells, though, right?
Smells are the only sense where there's certainly a terrible, disgusting end of
the spectrum, but on the other side even pleasant smells we can usually do
without, right? Like, perfume or cologne or anything-- its really just to
mask Negative Smells. It's never that great in and of itself.
I feel very strongly about this! The point is I just bought a deck of
playing cards as an impulse buy waiting on line at the drug store. I'm
gonna have fun with these Somehow! I thought, not fully knowing How I'd Have
Fun With These Somehow.
JACK OF SPADES. First card I drew
after shuffling. My first interpretation of what that card could mean
was hmm the next most valuable card after Jack of Hearts which is from Bob
Dylan Song Fame. Then after forgetting about it for a while I was like
wait there's that expression Jack of All Spades! Holy Shit this card
REALLY MEANS SOMETHING. Someone whose pretty good at lots of stuff!
Then after some more time with something else on my mind I returned to it once
more and was like Wait a second I think it's Jack of All TRADES.
But it rhymes with Jack of Spades. See! Having Fun Already!
Also check out my really shitty off-brand Tarot Card Readings where I use a
regular deck of cards. Uh oh you just drew the FIVE OF DIAMONDS.
Bad, bad luck. I dunno, people into Tarot are probably also into
numerology and whatnot. They'd probably be into Regular Card Tarot
So that's one possible vocation I could look into.
Remember when Ross Tarot ran for president! He was the modern day
precedent for Bloomberg! Remember the hundreds of people who
unsuccessfully ran for presidents in primaries? They were modern day
precedents for Bloomberg! Because they're all losers! I'm
not happy with that, I don't wanna call people losers. There was a
Beck song that empowered people called losers, though, so at least they/we have
that to fall back on. Soy Un Perdedor. I used to think he was aying
Soy (or whatever) Open The Door. And I thought it was a song
about opening doors.
Watchin' Bernie Sanders Nevada victory speech last Saturday
was fun. I was like wait a second GOOD THINGS CAN HAPPEN? I dunno,
I'm gonna have to look into that... The point is Young People are
freakin' all in for Bernie and I hope it works out for them. One day Young
People will be Old People. Dunno what my point was gonna be there but
it is factually accurate. Caronavirus! I would have thought the
establishment would act swiftly on that because Old People support them
establishment types electorally! You lose a million or 2 old people, next
election, the awful, awful youth will have more of a say! TERRIFYING.
Jack of Spades. David Spade probably has a relative on his Dad's side
named Jack, right? If he doesn't, he he does now! Not
sure what that means. He has a cousin whose name isn't Jack but who
reads This Website and decided to legally change his name to Jack as per the
context of this paragraph. Oh okay now I get it.
Jack whom reads this website? It's
probably Who but does anyone ever like using the word Whom? Whether
you're sure its right to use, sure its wrong to use, or anywhere in between,
using or reading whom or just thinking about it, what a crappy word!
I feel very strongly about this. Good idea for a The Who cover band,
though. The Whom. Kinda makes sense literally, too, right?
Again-- not sure! But either way lets move on with our lives, seems like
the right thing to do, right? I was thinking about how I talk about eating
steak on the website a lot and I was like hmm I apparently eat a lot of
steak. Which, I can't say if there's a cause of effect, but I've
noticed nowadays I want to eat even more steak. I go through a two
part dinner of steak and seafood? A day off with something else, then a
two part dinner of steak and eggs! Its healthy delicious and there's
variety! Livin' the life.
One day I won't be able to afford steak. I could
buy a stake in steak, though. Maybe a time-share situation. Who came
up with Trump Steaks. Either Trump did and was like Hey you know what's
classy? Meat. Probably someone pitched it to him, though.
I bet it went a little something like THIS... Hey Trump you
wanna put your name on steaks? Yeah sure sounds good.
I am a master satirist! If I was Trump and putting my name on a cut of
meat, how about Trump Roasts. Hmm Trump Roasts MAKES ME THINK OF
what if Trump's next job is just being the Roastmaster General. I think he
kinda thinks that's what his job is right now. He's in charge of roasting
his enemies. And all the people that like him, the reason they like him is
because of how clever he is. Hey this guy look sleepy to me.
MASTER SATIRIST. Sure that's what satire is. Which Is
Exactly What A Master Satirist Might Say!
Let's Call A Spade A Spade. Yeah that's what
I was gonna do why would you even think to assume otherwise. Hey its
the seventh paragraph. I wasn't even gonna write an entry today! But
then I ended up doing so apparently. Also, the steak you get with eggs, or
with some stuffed filet of sole-- not the fanciest steak! We're talking
maybe only two or three levels above Trump steak! You'd think the fancy
Steak & Seafood Steak would be the top steak, but it's really not! The
point is huh wonderful. What's Bernie's stance on Meat and
Vegetarianism and Veganism? I'm pretty sure he eats meat because that's
the easiest thing for me to imagine, but sure I'd be interested in hearing his
thoughts on that. I wanna hear his thoughts on all sorts of things
unrelated or tangentially related to politics!
Whatever. This ain't the greatest entry but it's also
Still Something. Anyway. The ONE liberal issue that Bernie doesn't
have a 100% perfect record on is Guns, and I was reading about this back a long
time ago, and the explanation is basically sometimes there are bills in congress
where there's a shit load of stuff in the bill, and sometimes you like some of
it and don't like other parts of it. So you need to vote either for it or
against it. Gotta decide! Unless you're a coward and just don't vote
for or against it. But if you vote either way you're leaving
yourself exposed, because either way, they can say you voted for/voted against
the other part. So I wouldn't be too hard on him for that.
That settles that!
The point is sure I'm gonna get Subway for lunch in a
bit, what, you thought I wasn't going to get Subway? See I'm just
like you I eat Subway! The Sandwich Industry can't be happy with the names
for sandwiches out there. Subway. I've seen subways they're
disgusting. Hero. Sounds stupid what does it have to do with
Heroes. Hoagie. Just saying that word makes me want to throw
up. Blimpie. ... ... Are we actually supposed to call the
sandwiches Blimpies? You go into a Blimpies, do you go give me a 12
inch Blimpie! Some pun with Led Zeppelin, I dunno, you figure it out!
Anyway. Isn't the Republican scare tactic for the Green
New Deal that We're Not Allowed To Have Cows Anymore? So me eating steak
is a good thing. Well, for the next week or so. Just get rid of what
we got. Then no more steak at all. But, if I wanna get steak and
eggs tonight, I'm being a Good American. Anyway. I know we're
not really gonna stop having cows, but the truth in that is that cow farts are
terrible for the environment. However, good compromise solution-- lets
just teach these cows Shame. Make em embarrassed to fart! Get 'em to
hold them farts in and then everyone comes out on top! There was a
couple of microseconds just now where I was like Wait a second IS THAT
POSSIBLE? Maybe it is, I dunno. Let's get Dr. Doolittle in
to consult on that one. Alright gonna go get me some Sandwich.
These Cards Are Too
True story. Anyway, I feel like this entry has
been a solid B- so far! Hopefully reflecting real neutrally on me.
That's the dream, right? I dunno. Some smells are pretty good.
I dunno. Here's the 1 save-em-up I have from the past few days--
Whenever I get/see someone get Sliver Dollar Pancakes, they're invariably 3 or 4
x as big as a silver dollar. If you're gonna go out of your way to
specific how big something will be in its name, Jeez, can you at least get it
right?!? Maybe I just happen to be a patron of some really dishonest
diners, I dunno! Write in your Silver Dollar Pancake Experiences to
paragraph can use one more Bullshit, lengthwise. Not 100% happy with
Banana Peppers. Why.
True story. I was gonna say why call 'em Banana
but then I gave up writing that sentence. Anyway, was thinking about
Subway, then thought about Jared From Subway, and has anyone ever said in
prison, HE'S Gonna Be The Sandwich!!!? At first I was like of
course people have said it but then I thought wait a second, it doesn't
really make sense. So, if you're saying things that don't make sense, that
makes it less likely people have said it. I saw Bernie said he was
gonna legalize marijuana on Day 1!!! Can He Also Cure My Mental Illness So I Can
Smoke Marijuana And Have It Effect Me Positively? Cause, if so, OHHHH BOY
AM I ON BOARD. Even neutrally, that's a step forward!
That was the first smell this last walk that made me
reconsider my rule on Smells Ain't That Great. I smelled some pot and was
like that ain't bad. Then I thought hey how about pussy am I
right that smells like... then I put that one in my back pocket and
continued on with my walk the way I was before this intrusive line of thoughts.
Anyway. I separated the Rules of Bridge cards but left in the 2
Jokers before I started playing. Prove me wrong! Then I did a
couple of rounds of dealing 2 hand Texas Hold 'Em hands. And I played
against myself. But could only make the decisions I would make for each
player as if they didn't know the other player's hand. And also, always at
least call pre-flop cause I I wanna see how this hand develops lets see some
When you get a new deck of cards, don't you usually get 2
Jokers? Doesn't that fly in the face of the whole premise of Joker: The
Major Motion Picture? That he's like 1 loner idiosyncratic guy? Each
deck has 2 jokers! You're a joker, guess what, good news, there's another
joker out there to be friends with! Also when I get Steak & Eggs I get egg
whites. What are yuo gonna do about it? Nothin' that's what!
And another thing SILVER DOLLAR PANCAKES... that's mywebsite! Whatta joy.
What does Bernie Sanders eat for breakfast. What's his favorite band.
Favorite COMEDIAN OH MAN WOULD I KILL FOR THAT INFORMATION.
No I wouldn't. Figured I should make that
abundantly clear. I'd find it fascinating but Killing People Is Where I
Draw The Line! I don't like the premise of his Political Revolution where
we all have to do our best to step up for each other and embrace our power cause
I Just Want Him To Be President And Then Figure Everything From Then On Will
Work Out Well Enough, And Then TUNE THE FUCK OUT. Having to be a
good citizen for the next 8 years? COUNT ME OUT. I'll be a
NEUTRAL citizen, that's it! That's where I draw the line! A solid
B-/B citizen! I think that's all we really need! Hey we're at 15
paragraphs right now. Figure I'll write another five then call it a day.
The Entry Must Go On
True title. Kinda weird how we're already like
60 days into the year. 2 months doesn't seem like that much, especially
when one is February, even if its a long February. But 60 days Holy
Shit THAT'S A LOT OF DAYS. I'll be a good citizen under Bernie. I'll
give myself some more credit, I'll be a solid B/B+ citizen. I'll be a good
citizen under any president. A solid B/B+ citizen, at least.
As long as the main responsibility of Being a Citizen is re-watching Tales From
The Crypt over and over and over again. Cause I can do that, no question.
I'll do it again tonight! I like the ones with Sex. Very
titillating. There's a Title-Pun I rarely use. Too complicated a
Whatever. Not 100% sure what Bloomberg or Biden or
Buttegieg would be running on in a general election. Build enthusiasm
among the Democratic base. Hey you know all those policies that a clear
majority of you support and have talked about for the last few years?
Well, You Can Forget About Those But How Do You Feel About... I dunno.
What do they got? A public option. I guess. And that's the
weird thing about thinking about uniting behind someone to stop Bernie.
Uhh, there are some results in! And polls in other states pretty
consistent with the results! A plurality-moving-toward-majority of people
are voting for Bernie! If someone else wins the nomination, a huuuge part
of their supporters Are Gonna Be The Exact Same People Who Were Just Supporting
Bernie! How are you gonna be the unity candidate YOU JERK. WE KNOW
YOU'RE JERKS IS THE POINT. We're onto your game! Jerk Game!
Wow. Also, one line of attack is like Bernie is
making all these promises irresponsibly! I fully expect a lot of what
he is a proponent for won't happen immediately, if at all. He's promising
us that he'll fight for us, that's it. And that's something I do have
faith in. He's not gonna become president and just coast and enjoy the
perks of the office. Meanwhile, the other candidates (save for Warren) are
promising us that They Want To Be President And May Or May Not Deliver Modest
Incremental Progress But The Main Point Is They Want To Be President.
I mean, what's driving Biden and Buttegieg and Bloomberg? It's pretty
obvious, I think, that they just want to be president. Making the country
a better place is secondary if even a real consideration at all. Where as
Bernie and Warren, I truly get the sense they want to help. Especially
Bernie. That's why he's in it. What about Klobochar.
I dunno what her deal is get off my back about it.
Anyway. And I'm sure Bernie and Warren have big
egos, too. I'm sure all successful politicians are full of themselves to
some large degree. But for them I think that's not as much a dominant
quality than for others. Two paragraphs to go for some reason.
Maybe I'll watch that sexy sexy Tales From The Crypt after this! Wunderbar.
The best alternative to Steak Variations for dinner is Breakfast For Dinner.
We're talking chocolate chip pancakes. We're talking French Toast Challah
Type. We're talking French Toast Old-Fashioned Type. We're talking
Waffles With Chicken, Waffles With Egg Whites. We're Talking Omelets.
The possibilities aren't quite endless but there's probably several dozen
possibilities out there when it comes to Breakfasts For Dinners. If you
count different kinds of omelets as different things.
Can't stand omelets with cheese. Dunno why. I'm
okay with a Breakfast Sandwich where there's egg and cheese. I just don't
want them to be 100% combined. A slice of cheese on an egg patty or
something? That's fine. But one bite wit cheesy egg? Not On
Board! I Feel Relatively Strongly About This. Also, I dunno if it's
just my family, or maybe a New York thing, but my entire life I was raised to
call Challah Bread "Hall-ey." Instead of ending it with an Ah it
ends with an Eeee. Anyway, this is the 20th paragraph, figure I'll
call it a day now. The point is I Forget The Point but let's
continue being a solid B-/B while aspiring to become a B/B+!
Progress. See ya later.
February 22, 2020
You don't tell me what to do. Wait, DO you?
Uh oh. Saw a new psychiatrist yesterday! Asian Lady where
English is not her first language. She's proficient enough at it, sure,
but I expect more from my psychiatrists. Also she was like you're on
too many medications! We need to Simplify Things! That takes a
lot of guts. Just ripping up the playbook on the first day coaching the
new team! Takes balls. And she goes how do you feel about that.
And I'm like You're the doc, doc! I learned about that phrase in
one of The Back To The Futures. Is it ever established what kind of Doctor
Doc Brown was? I mean, amateur scientists who build stuff, there's no
doctorate in that. So either he has a PHD in something or he's just
some jerk who at some point said I'm Gonna Identify As a Doctor From Now On!
II guess. At the very least, he's on the DOctor Spectrum. Can we
agree on that?
Doc Brown must have had to go, over and over, Jeeesus
Fucking Christ. I'm gonna have to do SO MUCH SHIT knowing what's gonna
happen. And I have to do it The Right Way or else it'd fuck up the space
time continuum. He NEVER gets to just enjoy the moment or have a human
interaction with Marty McFly. Just has to constantly think, gotta get
from Point A to Point B to Point Z JUST RIGHT. Ugh. 30+ years of
just a nonstop slog. At some point you'd think he'd grow to hate and
despise Marty McFly, right? Just fuck this guy I have to live my fuckin'
entire life to make this jerk happy Or At Least Exist? Anyway, here's
a Politics I thought of-- if we'd really be paying more overall with
Medicare-for-all, why would the industry be against it? Maybe I'm
speaking out of term but my impression of industry is that they like to make as
much money as possible.
I Know All About
They ideally produce tittles. That's a synonym
of laughter, right? There's chuckles, there's giggles, and then there's
tittles. Well Microsoft FrontPage recognizes tittles as a word.
Guess it was a little less funny than I thought and a lot more accurate.
Lemme enter that into dictionary.org and see if it means what I Say It
Means. I actually just entered in dictionary.org to Google
Chrome. For Fun! Nothin' there other than a placeholder!
Anyway lets get back on track. OH RIGHT
a dot or other small mark in writing or printing, used as a diacritic,
a very small part or quantity; a particle, jot, or whit:He
said he didn't care a tittle.
NOW I REMEMBER THERE WAS
AN ENTIRE STORYLINE IN OZ: THE MAJOR MOTION HBO SERIES ABOUT THIS. It's
true! There was a fake TV gameshow in Oz: The Prison Drama (Why
wouldn't there be?) and the guy who runs Oz was facing off against Robert Iler
of Tony Soprano II Fame and they're like what's a tittle and AJ knows it
but the guy who runs Oz GETS IT WRONG. The point is you can learn
knowledge in the most surprising places and then unsurprisingly forget that
knowledge, make a stupid joke out of the subject matter of that knowledge, look
it up, gain the knowledge all over again!
Isn't that The Sopranos Movie coming out in November? I
hope they tell us how to vote. I'm really counting on Popular Culture to
step up and trick even Trump Supporters to vote against him. The balls
in your court, TV! Also I count CNN and FOX NEWS and MSNBC as Popular
Culture. Prove me wrong! I think it takes a lot of balls for
Michael Bloomberg to spend 800 million dollars telling bad jokes. He must
have spent multi-million dollars commissioning the best possible Funny-Lines and
they're both Not That Funny and also He Ain't Comin' Up With Those Jokes!
One that confused me is that he put up a billboard Donald Trump Eats Burnt
Steak (Michael Bloomberg Eats Medium Rare) I'm guessing that came from
Bloomberg's Inner Circle and not some real comedian he paid 600 thousand
dollars. OH WHAT SICK BURN! HE LIKES HIS STEAK A CERTAIN
WAY. THAT'LL HUMILIATE HIM FOR SURE!
Maybe it does among the ultra-rich, I dunno! They
razz each other on how well they like steak. Is it like a
carnivore-proto-homo sapian thing? I'm more of a Man because I don't
leave this food over the fire as long as this other guy. Ooooh, "Burnt
Steak!" How Fancy! The point is MY DAD GETS BURNT STEAK AND
HAMBURGERS YOU SAYIN' HE'S NOT A MAN? For the recordFor the
record I'm good with medium-well and/or well done. Well, "Or."
Not "And/Or." No, "And," in that situation. Unless I'm going
Medium VERY Well or SLIGHTLY Well Done. Somethin' along those
lines. Anyway. Donald Trump Is Bad At Golf. That'll win
over his base. They play golf all the time!
MINI GOLF MAYBE BURN. The point is if Bloomberg
gave me 15 million dollars Sure I'd Come Up With Some Comedy For Him Which May
Be Enough To Swing The Election In His Favor! I'm either That Confident In
My Abilities or That Confident That I Could Swindle 15 Million Dollars Out Of
Bloomberg By Promising I Have That Ability Cause What Does He Have To Lose It's
Pocket Change To Him. How come change suddenly loses its value when its in
your pocket. That's when its most valuable! You got pocket change,
great! You can pay for an arcade game or maybe tbe bus. You got
change lying around your dresser? What the hell are you ever gonna do
with that? Throw it in the garbage its useless! I have a shit
load of accumulated change over the years. I want to pay someone more than
it would amount to to roll it up in the rolls and take it to the bank.
Lets say its worth 120 dollars. I would happily pay someone 150 dollars to
take care of that.
No I wouldn't. That's more accurate I guess.
Back when I first started working on The New Monkees in Early Fall 2018 I was
like man if I crank this out in a few months and it everything is expedited I
can have this out in Fall 2020 Use Some Popular Culture To Trick Trump
Supporters To Abandon Him. Anyway, I don't think I mean this
hyperbolically or to make a political point, I'm just wondering-- is there
anything Trump can do that would have him lose a significant amount of his
supporters? There must be, right? I just can't think of it.
The good news is his supporters are the minority of the country. Hah
lets laugh at them with Popular Culture and structure society to exploit them
except they're blaming the wrong people for being exploited. What Are They
Gonna Do About It? It's the perfect crime or something!
Anyway, I had a dream about Back To The Future last night,
and it was essentially me in current time (or maybe a few years into the future)
and I'm Me but in the entertainment business somehow, like not a mogul
necessarily but I have my foot in the door, and I'm like hey you know what
I'd like to see? Back To The Future IV and everyone goes CRAZY and
it's like I'm a genius for this great idea and then part of me in the back of my
brain is going uh lots of people liked those movies... all I said was Hey
There Should Be Another One. Anyway in this scenario I BELIEVE
Christopher Lloyd was dead (Sorry!) such is life I guess. I just googled
Christopher Lloyd and if there's ever a drama biopic of Larry David I think
Christopher Lloyd as Larry David is one way to go. Sure, great.
I I'm sure reasonable people can agree Back To The Future
III was by far the worst while still being a pretty good movie, but I realized
recently it's literally the only Western I grew up with. SO TAKE THAT INTO
CONSIDERATION IF YOU FEEL LIKE IT FOR SOME REASON. The fun part about
re-watching Back To The Future over and over past childhood and into adulthood
is that literally every time you see it you come up with another HUGE plot hole
about how this doesn't make sense or wouldn't work or something. Not only
are you like, once, well this wouldn't make sense in the logic of this movie,
but you can watch it dozens of times and come up with dozens of distinct
WOW! Last few weeks I've had recurring dreams that I
have a relatively nice apartment somewhere in NYC in terms of for my age and if
I had a reasonable paying job. Like, maybe studio, maybe one bedroom-- not
great but in the context of the current economy Not Bad. I dunno if I have
a job in this scenario but the point is It Can't Hurt To Dream Right?
Unless you get hurt in your dream. If you get hurt in your dream you get
hurt in real life. Somethin' along those lines. I'm not 100% sure
what Bloomberg thinks he's offering us. He's a business man?
Hey you jerks you don't OWN businesses so obviously you have no idea how
Working People do things. Besides, the country is like a Big Business!
You gotta make the share holders money and exploit the workers to the greatest
degree possible to increase your nut! VOTE FOR ME!
I dunno, crap like that. I've never been exploited
as a worker because I've only had one job in my life and I Wasn't That Great A
Worker. Great defense from being exploited! Give 'em nothin' to
exploit! You gotta exploit them before they can exploit you! Turn in
some real shitty work, get paid the same as if you did well, then you're comin'
out on top! Class Struggle. Anyway, what else is going on.
Figure I'll take a walk soon. Walk III of V, VI, or even VII. Well,
today, either V or VI. Writin' Entry is takin' up some potential walking
time. I dunno, crap and crap.
What if everything just goes to arbitration. To
minimize exploitation. Like in baseball, before someone can become a free
agent, at the end if the season, they go before an UNBIASED committee to
determine their salary for the next year, based on their projected worth to the
team. And the player and the team both propose a salary and either they
privately negotiate to a number between their proposed numbers, or they take a
chance and the Arbitrators either choose the team's number or the player's
number. Seems like a fair process as long as the arbitrators are unbiased
and Who The Hell Knows how to guarantee that but hey HMM GREAT JOB TO BE.
I wanna be an Arbitrator when I grow up! I just came up with a whole
new industry. The Arbitrator Industry! Wow! Alright I'm
gonna take a walk. Be back soon!
Hey Chedk Me Out Not
Carin' To Correct Words
Hey Czech me out! Was just thinking about the
phrase I've Got a Bone To Pick With... like you don't like it or somethin?
What's your problem with picking bones? It's fun! Presumably you're
gettin' somethin' out of what you're picking off bones (presumably meat-- I bet
Michael Bloomberg loves picking the meat off bones!) so wouldn't that be
an enjoyable productive experience. AND ANOTHER THING (I probably said
this before) I know how they say scientifically artificial sweetener is 100x as
sweet as sugar but COME ON WHO DO YOU THINK YOU'RE FOOLING. Artificial
Sweetener is as sweet as sugar AT BEST. What kinda dummy do you take me
for? 100 x as sweet? EXPLAIN YOURSELVES.
Well I guess. Nevada is going on today.
Well, Nevada is always going on. It's just that today there's a
democratic Democratic Primary going on there as well. I'm supporting the
guy I've supported all along! With the 2nd place hopefully going to the
person I supported 2nd over the entire process! 3rd place? I
dunno! How's MIKE GRAVEL doing in the polls? Where's JAMES WEBB
these days? James Webb was second in command at NASA in the 1960's.
I was thinking of Jim Webb. To be fair, Jim is short for
James. Not that short! Only 2 letters. But, on the other hand,
a full only 60% of the letters. Anyway it turned out Putin endorsed Trump
and Bernie this year. I'm not a fan of out cynical the press is treating
this news! So what Putin wants these guys to be president that's a
valuable endorsement! Don't shit all over this guy who just wants what's
best for everyone! The coveted twitter-bot vote is worth aspiring towards!
It's for the best maybe. That 1% of Bernie Supporters
who are aggressively hostile on twitter and whatnot? Now they can say
(perhaps accurately!) oh well that's Russia Bots. And maybe it has
been all along! Nobody Know! So might as well just tune the noise
out. Maybe IM a Russian Bot. maybe I'M a 400 POUND MAN LIVING
IN MY 400 POUND BASEMENT. I always thought it would be cool to live in a
basement. Like, as a kid, if Your Room was just A Basement. My house
doesn't have a basement at all. Probably why I glamorize basements.
Whenever I would go to a friends house to hang out in a basement I was like
HOLY SHIT THIS IS THE LIFE. The point is I was Radicalized by That
70's Show. Which one. Whose on first. Whose In
I dunno. Lunch in about 2 hours or so. Got 2
choices, I got 2 meals already for Lunch & Dinner. One-- complete Hot
Antipasto w/ 1 or 2 Vegetarian slices of 12 inch pizza. Two-- Bison burger
with onion, mushroom, and jalapeņo peppers, most likely paired with a dozen or
so Tortilla Chips. Three-- only two I already told you get off my case.
Why did I say the Bison Burger toppings but neither the specific Vegetables on
Pizza or the specific inclusions in Hot Antipasto. I dunno! Someone
psychoanalyze me in terms of what specific Add-Ons to meals I go out of my way
to specify on... I was about to say social media.. this is social media, right?
It's media. I think there's no question about it. I'm being social!
Let's do a virtual democratic Democratic Caucus! Like
how you can do Baseball Drafts every year against 11 of your closest friends to
build the best team possible. Let's do Virtual Caucus! I'M ON THE
BERNIE SIDE BOY I HOPE HE GETS MORE THAN 15% PEOPLE IN MY PRECIENT SO I DON'T
HAVE TO GO ANYWHERE HOWEVER IF I DO IT WOULD BE FUN TO BE COURTED MAKE A CASE
FOR ME. Also maybe I get to make a case for someone else. Hey
come over here I'll give you a 20. Is there any of that at caucuses?
If its my first instinct its gotta be happening sometimes, right?
How is one vote worth 20 dollars. Ask Bloomberg. He's
spending like 20,000 dollars for each vote, right? That's a reasonable
projection. My favorite thing about Iowa was reading there's people who
show up and don't know already who they're voting for. What The Hell Is
Wrong With Those People? What's going in their mind? How come no one
wrote an article analyzing the pathos of these people.
I guess there's people who show up to just Regular Elections
not knowing who to vote for. I guess they just think differently than us.
Hmm, who to vote for? I could take 1 microsecond to clarify my obvious
preferences based on my personality economic status and personal beliefs BUT
WHOSE GOT THE TIME. I'll go vote in a few months and THEN do those
calculations. And then its just obvious to them after 2 seconds in the
booths. What's THE DEAL with people?!?!? I dunno, maybe you
do. Hey its the 19th paragraph! Fair to say there's been some
drinking today. Part II involved 1 can of beer. Part III has been
involving a 2nd can of beer, about 60% done with it. You know, the amount
of letters out of five That Is Three.
Figure I'll take a walk after this paragraph. I figure
lots of things!! That is but one thing I have figured. I clean up my
room every month or two and this past time 60% of the cleaning up involved
throwing out gum wrappers. Four tiers of gum wrappers. There's the
paper wrapper for each individual piece of gum. There's the 2 pronged
paper wrapper that incorporated each of the 2 levels of gum Per pack of gum.
There's the pack of gum. And then there's the plastic that incorporated
the 3 packs of gum that came in this 3-pack of gum. So I had to
spend about 60% of 1.4 the amount of time I spent cleaning up my room cleaning
up my gum wrappers. ... I don't think that math is right. I
know it isn't. But What can I do about it! I ain't never
gonna get into Arbitrator school with that attitude about math. Good I
DON'T WANNA GO TO STUPID ARBITRATOR SCHOOL ANYWAY THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT I
WANT TO BE A GAMER! Alright walk time. Gamer sounds like some
sexual fetish. Not sure what. Someone who thinks sex is a game, I
guess. Yeah I'm a gamer I'm into games. That describes a lot
of people, right? Not me, though!
I Don't Play No Games! Walk time.
Lets Go To Title
Hey. I realize that I wake up a lot of mornings
and say to myself Lets Go To Fart School! Then I shake convulsively
and say it again and this time punctuate it with another Fart School!
The point is I'm severely broken as a person and this is a recurring reminder
That Boy Ain't Right. But I Am Right in terms of sure I'll be open
about my deepest darkest Fart Schools. Anyway, lunch is after the half
hour walk after the half hour segment of entry right now. Gonna go with
the Italian Food Meal for Lunch, have that Bison Burger for dinner!
Maybe my life IS just one big Fart School. It's not as weird as I thought
it was. It's still weird to say it compulsively most mornings but at
least it means something as opposed to just being nonsense words as I assumed.
No, my life is actually about Lets Go To Fart School! Fart School!
I dunno, something like that. I started watching
the Jimminy Glick movie a few weeks ago and I was like wait a second
THIS IS GREAT. I also often try to compulsively do a Jimminy Glick
impression under the guidelines that Martin Short laid out in a podcast or
something where he says the trick is to go Very High [pitch wise] and
then go VERY LOW. And I try it over and over, using
those words, and I SUCK AT IT. Oh well such is life. Anyway. I
could probably do this as a podcast. Wouldn't be great! But I could
do a Crazysheet Podcast. Fart School with Michael K*RN*L*M.
Anyway. Why am I still writing this entry. Gotta do somethin'.
If I were in the Nevada Caucus I'd go to the Pete Buttigieg wing, fart a lot,
and just watch all the people there flock to other candidates. It's the
I dunno. Sometimes I feel guilty about chewing >2
pieces of gum at once. 2 is all you need. You triple up, quadruple
up on gum? Overkill! I've come full circle on being worried about
Not Digesting Gum. Everyone hears don't swallow it, it'll be there for
7 years when you're a kid. Then, you grow up a bit, and you learn
yeah that's bullshit you probably can swallow gum. Then you spit out
gum on the sidewalk aruond your house over several weeks, see how it stays there
indefinitely, and you start to think, man if this is gum is sticking around
(PUN INTENDED) on the sidewalk for months What The Hell Is It Doing Do In My
Stomach? And the answer is I dunno. Oh well such is life.
Is Fart School a thing because it rhymes with Art School
which is a thing? I dunno. I never actually picture a school
devoted to farts and what would be on the curriculum or what the student body
would be like or anything. Although maybe I should! Let's make this
happen, right gang? I dunno. Speaking about farts-- the opposite of
farts is burping. I'm pretty proud to say one of my talents is I can
conjure up a burp whenever I want. Like the kid in Billy Madison who burps
the alphabet to impress everybody at the lunch table. I could do that
easily. Fart on demand, though? Haven't mastered that one yet!
Seems like it would be useful in certain situations, right? Like the
aforementioned Pete Buttigieg situation.
The other good news is we got a thing of candy canes for
Christmas, then ended up not going to Family Christmas Gathering so we just were
stuck with the candy canes, then I couldn't find where they were for a month or
two, then I FOUND THEM, and now I can have Candy Canes pretty much
whenever I want to. Candy canes are a gateway drug to Real Canes.
You get the kids hooked on the candy version and suddenly they can't get around
without a real cane. I dunno not happy with that at all. I
have recurring dreams, even now, about smoking cigarettes. Last night I
had one. And its usually fuck I messed up and had some cigarettes, now
I'm back on the right track. And then I wake up and am like Hah!
I STILL have never smoked cigarettes for close to a year! FART SCHOOL!
Wow. What else is going on and crap.
Maybe it's a reference to my Dream Life. We all yearn to learn from
our dreams and find wisdom in them. Wisdom from our smelly, smelly dreams.
Dreams are one big Fart School. Actually, kinda happy with that
explanation. I attended Fart School for 10-12 hours, gotta say it out
loud to move on with the rest of the day, then I'm okay! What else is
going on and crap. Figure I'll take a walk after this paragraph,
then eat lunch while writing one more section of paragraphs. Man Oh Man
am I gonna eat some Eggplant Rollatini. That's my go-to for Hot
Antipasto reference. Because it's always there and it's also always
something I would never get outside of Hot Antipasto. But it's Fine!
Alright I'll be back!
You Deserve A Lunch
Alright lets do it. The pizza appears to have
some broccoli, red onion, possibly green peppers? Perhaps mushroom.
Hot Antipasto also includes tiny stuffed mushrooms, tiny baked clams, and a few
pieces of shrimp. The bad news is I didn't anticipate I'd need a knife as
well as a fork. The good news is think I'm just gonna go get a knife.
Hey. Felt kinda weird going downstairs and bring up Just A Knife.
Hmm appear to be just walking around with a knife. Feels like I should be
doing some stabbing. The good news I could be having delicious Italian
bread to go with this appetizer. The bad news is I ain't eatin' no
delicious Italian bread especially while I'm splurging on Alcohol Calories!
Huh. 28th paragraph. Figure I'll write 3 more and
close this shit up! Then get back to listening to The Andy Richter
Podcast Experience for the next walk or two. Watch some crap while at
home. Good sitcom idea for Andy-- Rags To Richtes. And its
about a poor Talkshow Sidekick who inherits his step uncle's fortune and has to
spend it if he feels like it for some reason I dunno you work out the kinks!
Hey good idea for a band-- The Kinks! Amazing. I saw Michael
Bloomberg erroneously referred to Nirvana as being an upbeat, happy band by
saying Bernie Sanders should be the lead singer of Nirvana because of all his
optimism and hope and 'promises'. I think this was a calculated move to
get us to think about the 2nd or 3rd single from Nevermind In Bloom.
He wants us to think Nirvana has anointed him but he's just not gonna say it out
loud! Think about it! The good news is I used the word
I don't get why the Never Trumpers are like man don't make
me choose between Trump and Bernie I Just Can't! Even if you totally
disagree 100% with Bernie-- do you think he'll break the law? I don't.
He's been pretty established as a guy whose been in office a long time and
Doesn't Have A History Of Breaking The Law. So just vote for him for
president, and then be like, ok now let's civilly and legally work it out
with or against him. Seems pretty straight forward to me.
That settles that. What else is going on and crap. I kinda
feel like I swallowed some Shrimp Shell. I don't remember it going
down but I kinda feel something sharp inside of me. Fascinating.
Alright last paragraph! OOOH SHRIMP! LOOK
AT MR. MILLIONAIRE. IT WAS PART OF A HOT ANTIPASTO ALRIGHT GET OFF
MY BACK ABOUT IT. SSomething that always bothered me was
Millionaire has that extra, "I," at the end of it but billionaire doesn't.
Wait. Yes it does. FART SCHOOL! I dunno, let's
close this up. Whatta idiot. Never Trumpers need a new name.
Kinda dated phrase. Yep, Trump happened. Your name has been
ERRONEOUS for the last 4 years or so. Well that'll do it. I'll
see ya later.
February 16, 2020
This Entry'll Be The
I was inspired by reading the word SPOT on a menu upside
down. "Top Spot," is a palindrome phrase! It comes up a lot when
you're listing stuff. And The Top Spot goes to... WHAT A
WONDERFUL USE OF ALL OF OUR COLLECTIVE TIMES. Also I have still never gone
to The Empenada Spot even though it looks enticing, I have no idea how to
accurately estimate the calories of an Empanada, and also my gut tells me it
would be more calories than I'm Comfortable With! You Just Empanada'd
Over The Best Part! ...Well, that means nothing. A lot of Nothing this
paragraph. Here's something-- haven't drank since last entry but feel
Enticed to finish the ~1 unit of alcohol I have left over. Will I? I
And Now The Entry
That paragraph was just practice. Now its Real
Time with Me. I think the biggest mistake I've made over the past 2 years
is getting the Beastie Boys Book. I was actually readin' books at a decent
rate before then! Then I hit a major road block in that monstrosity and
the quality of my life has never been the same. So I hate the Beastie
Boys. But, on the other hand, I like the Beastie Boys. Good
music to get Pumped Up To! Maybe I get pumped up differently and for
different reasons than most people, that Beastie Boys pump me up.
C'mon I'm a Jew from Jew York City, walkin' down the street to The Beastie Boys,
that's Pumpin' Me Up, get off my back about it!
That's another good palindrome. Huh?
Figure lunch is a good 2 hours away. So I got that going for/going against
me. Anyway, woke up from a nightmare this past night screaming, and I
remember thinking Hmm, this is a New Scream for me! I don't remember
doing this kind of screaming any time in the past. Wow I Still Have
The Capacity To Learn And Grow As A Person. To have my Yelling-In-Terror
game progress even at my age? Whatta joy. Also, I don't feel
comfortable calling it a nightmare. It was an okay dream for 99% of it,
and then suddenly something scary happened, and I woke up screaming. But
to brand the entire dream a nightmare seems unfair. Calling it a, "Bad
Dream," too, same problem. Most it it was fairly pleasant!
Somethin' Or Something
I guess. Baseball is right around the corner!
Speaking of Baseball and Corners, are the bases exact 90 degree angles?
Like turning the corner from 1st to 2nd. Is that a right angle? No
way to find out, other than consult internet, and probably 20 other ways.
Like take a walk to my local library. Study the microfiche. That
sounds like a word I've heard somewhere. Hmm it IS right angles.
Correct me if I'm wrong (Send me your corrections @
firstname.lastname@example.org!) but wouldn't
that make it a Baseball Square and not a Diamond? What's the definition of
a Diamond? I'll consult my local liberry. I checked Internet and
was CONFUSED. Stuff about Rhombuses and opposite angles and I DON'T
LIKE IT. Maybe a diamond isn't even a hard and fast thing in geometry and
is more of a colloquial phrase, like, hey that shape reminds of a DIAMOND.
Like the diamonds you'd get here and there and at your local LIBerry... same
thing I called it last time with some more capital letters...
[EDITOR'S NOTE-- HEY I'M THE EDITOR!
Also I BELIEVE a diamond is a shape with 4 corners and the corners on opposite
sides of each other = the same amount of degrees. Not 100% on whether each
set of angles can or cannot equal THE OTHER SET OF ANGLES. If they could,
square is a diamond. If nope, then it ain't! MAN I WANNA BE
THE EDITOR SOME MORE THIS WAS FUN]
I Ain't 'Fraid Of No
I dunno. Just took a walking break and now I am
back. Just poured ~.33 and 1/3rd units of alcohol. What they call
The Full Naked Gun. Just go to the bar, ask for Gimme a Vodka,
Naked Gun With Whatsername, the lady punchline, Anna something? Anna
Nicole Smith? That sounds about right. She died a while ago, very
sad. People today probaby wouldn't even know that reference. Sad,
very sad. ...How's that drink comin'? I forget exactly why she
was a punch line. Maybe because she did pornography or drugs or something.
Something like that would sure deserve our routine and uniform mockery.
Oh I think she was married to some rich old dude. Which one. Let's
consult Library.com. Hmm the guy she was married to owned 16% of Koch
industries. My take away from that is Anna Nicole Smith is somehow
tied up with the Koch Brothers overtaking our politics and I don't like it and
one day I hope to get to the bottom of it!
I haven't had a drink of spirit+ice cubes in a dog's age.
Wonder how that'll play out. Does the ice absorb some of the spirit?
And then you chew that ice and it really gets ya going? Seems like how
physics would work but who am I to say. Anyway HEY I actually do got
somethin' coming up! Something resembling something at least! 6
weeks away from the Third Eye Blind + Saves The Day show! I like both
bands but ALSO both bands I only know 25% MAYBE of their catalogue.
Catalogue means the collective work they've put out there. Song work!
Catalogue is when a cat gives a monologue. Nobody's happy with that
When I had a cat, I gave her the name Aslan, after the male
lion in Some Book Series That's Also Movies Now You Figure Out Which One.
And I didn't give it much thought then, but now I worry it might have led to
some gender confusion in my cat's mind. Oh well, she's dead now!
Often called her Azzy. That's a feminine sounding syllable! I
have no regrets but I should have consulted her is the point. My main take
away from Aslan was she spent the first 3-5 years desperately trying to escape
the house. Every time the front door was open she would CHARGE from
wherever in the house she was to try to get out. And she did a couple of
times but we got her back. Then there was one time she was gone for HOURS,
and luckily I was just hanging out and I heard yowling coming from outside the
window, behind our house, so we were able to get her. After that,
didn't try to escape as much! She learned its tough out there on the
streets and maybe she had a good thing going for her here! There's that
adage, if you love something, let it go. If it comes back, it truly is
resigned to spending the rest of its life with you no matter how depressed and
sad that would make her.
Wonderbar! Aslan was from the streets,
though. She could take care of herself if she wanted to. My second
cousin or someting is/was a veterinarian so he came across this cat one day
somehow, someone brought her in, and he knew we were in the market, and that was
that. I think that background was always part of her. Maybe its part
of being a cat, but part of her personality was i've been through some shit
and I've lived some life, it's fine to chill out here but my hearts still out
there On Them Streets. But also, we were told she was ~6 months old
when we got her, so she was still very young, so over time I'm sure we became
her family and not The Streets no matter how formative it was on her.
Anyway, gonna take a break from Entry right about now. Be back in a bit!
A New Gum Flavor Has
Entered The Conversation
Freeze Mint? I've been getting 3 packs of Winter
Mint Orbit Gum as well as Peppermint Orbit Gum. Freeze Mint? Sounds
like that's gonna out-winter the Winter Mint! Hmm. Chewing.
Absorbing. Tastes okay. That's my hot take on Freeze Mint
Orbit gum. All the most popular gum brands of my youth are gone.
Juicy Fruit was ubiquitous! Never seen it in 20 years. Bazooka Gum.
A Hallmark of gums! No longer. Chicklets! Those were fun
for about 5 minutes. I was doing some research into gum and they
literally refuse to be open about What The Hell Is In The Gum. Trade
secret! Of all the things I put in my mouth regularly, I'd say Gum is
up there in terms of ya know I'd feel more comfortable knowing exactly what
this is. Seems like there could be plastic or something, right?
We don't know! There's no oversight! The guy in charge of the Gum
Police under Trump is the guy from the movie Clerks in that iconic scene we all
will never forget!
I know a lot of us are aware that the head of literally every
oversight committee or whatever is staffed by a former person of that industry
or a lobbyist for them or whatever. I was just thinking, what does that
say about Trump himself? How can we conceptualize Trump as the
anti-President. Is Trump the guy Real Presidents' jobs are to take care
of? I guess if you think of A President as What Bernie Sanders is gonna be
trying to accomplish... yeah. If Trump never was president, never even got
into politics, and then Bernie Sanders was president... duh, go after
Donald Trump! Easiest most obvious target to go after because of all the
fraud across different things and whatnot. So if Trump is
anti-president... guess what... Bernie Sanders would be ULTRA-PRESIDENT.
And by go after Trump I mean more broadly go after
corruption and fraud and tax evasion and all that stuff, of which Trump is the
poster boy. I'm not saying Bernie Sanders is gonna particularly call out
Trump. But Trump is the quintessential con-man who would bear the brunt of
that kind of stuff. Anyway. I don't get why lobbyists are so
powerful. Where I'm from we just call them door men or security officers
who are lucky enough to have a nice seat or desk in the lobby. Don't see
why their input is so valuable and why they're so influential in politics.
I guess they get a good sense of the inner workings and inter-personal
relationships of their building and are sort of a hub of interaction.
Alright, I can see that. I'm coming around on lobbyists! Alright I
got food ready in about 1/2 hour. Will resume Probably Final Part Of Entry
then! I dunno what Bernie Sanders priorities would be. Based
on campaigning, it seems more positive things. Doin' good things for good
people, as opposed to doing bad things for bad people. Both are important
because justice is theoretically a thing we should value, but it makes sense to
campaign around positive stuff and how you're gonna help the goodies.
That's what the people want to hear!
Lunch & Entry
When I talk about anti-president and stuff like that, I mean
his tendency to put the arsonist in charge of the fire department. LEMME
BREAK IT DOWN FOR YOU IN TERMS A DUMMY LIKE YOU COULD UNDERSTAND. Anyway,
if I go for a multiple of 5 paragraph entry (15), I got 4 paragraphs to go!
Let's go to work. Also, full disclosure-- Naked Gun 3 was called
Naked Gun 33 and 1/3rd... while the number I WAS referring to was .33 and 1/3rd.
That decimal point makes a world of difference let me tell you! For
whatever reason, Naked Gun 3 was the only Naked Gun we had on VHS. Don't
ask me! Also I was watching Phantoms: The Late 1990's Mediocre Horror
Movie and I was like wait a second I THINK I AHD THIS ON VHS! And MAN
was I uninterested in it even then.
Which means friends are alright but lunch gets me going
So, what do I got going on for lunch today. Part II of II of a Steak &
Eggs. We're talkin' maybe 3-4 oz of NY Strip Steak (if the menu can be
believed and why not I dunno who would doubt menus), egg whites (probably the
equiavelent of 1-2 eggs worth of egg whites), Freedom Fries (around a dozen or
so) as well as DRY Whole Wheat Toast (1 piece). The bad news is I've
started eating it so keeping meticulous track of the amount of things has gone
out the widow. Not even relevant anymore! I tell ya what I like
to do I like to have a bite of both Toast and Egg at the same time Pro Tip.
Egg and Steak at the same time is good, too. Don't bother with Egg, Steak,
and Toast at the same time. Steak overpowers the Toast. I feel very
strongly about this!
Cool. What's on the docket for dinner tonight.
Possibly a breaded chicken sandwich! They pack it so full of breaded
chicken I don't even have room for much of a Side! Anyway, I got a haircut
a few days ago, and apparently the Winter Olympics are going on, and apparently
there's a Winter Olympics Sport where its just Walk as fast as you can in the
snow while you have your skies on. Am I crazy? Was that not an
event I saw with the sound turned down? Just people rushing from point a
to point b, not down a hill or anything, just trying to, "Run," while wearing
skies? I dunno. Anyway. Haircut was six weeks after last one.
First haircut in many, many years where I just went gimme a trim and they
did and it looked fine. I'm used to having to start all over from square
one because it got too long.
Actually, I did ask them to start from square one.
Asked for a buzz cut on Level II of Razor, and he was like do you want me to
trip the top? And I was like sure I don't know what words mean but if
that's your instinct why not. And it turns out he just threw the buzz
cut out the window and Just Trimmed The Top. And I'm Okay With
That. Anyway gonna get beer from supermarket tomorrow. Figure an
18 pack'r should last me a month. Say 6 sessions of 3 beers each over 4
weeks seems reasonable and responsible! Also, I had no idea the Winter
Olympics was going on. First time I really felt since having No TV
since last April that I was off the grid. Anyway. There must be
sports and competitions that are most well suited for the spring and/or the
fall. Why not have a Spring Olympics and an Autumn Olympics? I'm a
visionary! Raking leaves. First thought for a Fall Olympics.
The good ol' Flower Bloom. You gotta rush to plant a flower and care
for it day to day and see which one grows not just the quickest but THE BEST.
Alright, see you guys later.
[EDITORS NOTE-- MAYBE WARREN IS THE ANTI-TRUMP! SEEMS LIKE THATS WOULD
BE A GOOD WAY TO POSITION HERSELF AS! SHE ALREADY KINDA IS! ALRIGHT
[ NEXT DAY'S EDITORS note-- i see now there's not even a winter olympics going
on! i definitely saw some guys in skies race-walking in the snow, though.
right? ...RIGHT??!] maybe it was a deleted scene in the dark knight rises
during the part where they "exile" people by making them walk away on ice until
it breaks and they sink. BUT MOST LIKELY NOT
Wednesday, February 12, 2020
Hey! This Time It's
Mostly The Same Words But In A Different Order!
I don't mean to brag but I've probably used 95% of all the
most commonly used words here on the website. Alright I meant to brag.
I thought it would impress you. I've failed but oh well we must
move on. I'm really digging the new Green Day album. Which is a
phrase because if you like something you like to put it in holes, for future
generations to find and enjoy. I like the Pixies song Dig For Fire
because it makes me picture a guy going deep into his pockets trying to find a
lighter. A cigarette lighter! Will he ever get it out of his pocket?
Does he even have one? So many questions but Oh what fun to think
about. I'm thinking about drinking a smidge of alcohol a little bit
later. Been a clean 6 weeks, I think that's something we can all be proud
of. Well you can't. Well, you could. But it would be
misplaced. You had no input or anything in the whole deal so I don't know
why you'd be emotionally invested in its handling even one bit.
Still, though, there's the fear that when I have that first
drop of alcohol part of me is gonna be like Well I Failed. But I
didn't! Society FAILED ME. By not curing all of my
personal woes within a 6 week time frame! If anything, things are even
worse! What with... uh... there was that time we were almost in a war...
some other stuff... whatta six weeks. Bernie winning states here
and there and everywhere. I don't wanna get into an argument about his
final standing in Iowa and/or New Hampshire (partly because there's no one to
get into an argument with so it would be SCARY to argue with a phantom person!
And also partly because I couldn't care less to have that argument).
At some point non-Bernie people are gonna need to come to terms with ya know,
what Bernie stands for isn't all that scary. Unless you're
scared of GOODNESS and GREATNESS and AWESOME! I get that a lot of Bernie
supporters can come off as abrasive. But, guess what? MOST PEOPLE
EVERYWHERE ARE JERKS. It just seems like there's a lot of Bernie Jerks
because there's a lot of Bernie PEOPLE and MOST PEOPLE ARE JERKS. Get over
it! Also, how do I know there's a lot of Bernie People?
Because he's sweeping the popular vote in every state so far! And we're
talking MORE THAN ONE STATE BEING SWEPT! MULTIPLE STATES! Not a 1
off fluke! Anyway gonna take a walk. Be back in a bit.
I'm Right About
Politics Much Of The Time!
That's The New Style of writing. Yer titles gotta refer
to and contextualize the last thing that happened. I can see this
really taking off! But, yeah, I hate politics. And I don't just mean
upper case politics, like talking about political parties and politicians and
them things them do day to day. I hate the politics of talking
about politics. Gotta be political in the lowercase sense just talking
about uppercase Politics! I DON'T LIKE IT BUT I STILL DO IT FROM TIME TO
TIME WHOSE GONNA STOP ME YOU? Anyway, I'm comfortable having
1.5-2.5 units of alcohol today! It seems like fun in the uppercase
definition of Fun and POTENTIALLY lowercase fun, too.
I dunno. Been a while since I had a nice Clip My
Nails Fest. Really get in there on a majority of all my 20 nails.
Just go to town on a solid 14-16 nails. Also I have 2 nail clippers in
good standing so its an embarrassment of riches. By in good standing,
I mean I have two nail clippers. I know where they are and they
both work and everything! I probably shared this here before, but one
deformity of my body (other than the obvious one[s]) is that I got 2 nails on my
right foot that have permanent fungus. And the nails are sort of overgrown
forever my entire life. And I've gone to podiatrists and they can file the
nails down completely and give me some cream to put on it but its just a
temporary fix. The Fungus Always Wins. So why bother, just stick
with the oversized nails. No one's the wiser as long as I wear shoes
By oversized, I mean, the nails are 3 dimensional.
instead of nice smooth nails they're sort of an eruption of Nail Material
Whaever That's Called I Wanna Say Nail? The point is if they made a
Rom Com of my life one possible title is You've Got Nail. One of
many possible titles! And it's not bad health-wise, or anything.
Just aesthetically oh that's kinda weird NOT A BIG DEAL THOUGH I FEEL VERY
STRONGLY ABOUT THIS AND I HAVE NO REASON TO LIE I HAVE NO INVESTMENT IN PEOPLE
THINKING I AM OR AM NOT GROSS. And it's a lot grosser that I bite all
of my nails than having 2 toe nails overgrown. Probably. That'd be
my guess, at least! Anyway I'm gonna stop here for a while. Then set
up Lunch and Alcohol and write some more. See ya soon!
Those Last Three
Paragraphs, Am I Right?? ...This Title Is About Them?
Sort of! Alright just added .5 units of alcohol to some
Sierra Mist. Sierra Mist: The Oh Yeah Now I Remember That
Existing! of lemon-lime soda. Eating me a bagel with cream
cheese. An everything bagel! But it only had half the normal amount
of Everything on the bagel. So it's really more like a SOME THINGS
BAGEL HAH WHATTA WASTE OF ALL OF OUR LIVES. I don't like the
term waste of space. Like, you wanna insult someone, you call 'em a
Waste of Space. What was space gonna be doing anyway. It's
not like if you're gone That Space You Were Just In is suddenly gonna reach its
full potential and really make the most of itself. It's still just gonna
be space. If anything, it's waste of space without you!
You give the space meaning!
Sure, I guess. My reasoning for making the switch from
Cinnamon Raisin to Everything is hey, uppercase Things are good.
Everything? That's The Most Good you can get! I'd be a FOOL not to
get Everything! I dunno, seventh paragraph, figure 10 is on track.
I don't need a lot of special things but if I could afford it I wanna hire
someone just to cut my bagels for me. You can just get one of those
Kitchen Bagel Guillotines. NO I WANT THE HUMAN TOUCH. But I
can't cut bagels is teh point. They get extremely un-not-clean-halves and
also smooshed up. Oh well such is life right. Whose the guy who
invented Guillotines and how did he pitch his project to 18th century Shark
Tank. Ok, this is kind of a niche product, not gonna come up a lot but
when you need one you're gonna want one ready...
Public execution, right? I can't think of any other
use. Other than cutting bagels. I guess the 20th century
version is the 3 different drugs they give you for lethal injection.
Anyway lets get either uppercase or lowercase political I forget which is
which HOW COME YOU CAN KILL PEOPLE LEGALLY IF THEY DON'T WANT YOU TO BUT YOU
CAN'T KILL PEOPLE LEGALLY IF THEY WANT YOU TO. I DUNNO THAT'S WHY I ASKED
YOU. Anyway. I'm not sure how I feel about my Bloom-buddy Michael
Bloomberg. On the hand he has a similar name to me but on the other hand
part of me recognizes That Means Nothing.
Cool! Let's say this is the lat paragraph. And
then write more paragraphs! It'll be the coolest prank ever! The
only prank I ever remember conceiving and then not executing was we were
watching The Ring on VHS or whatever after it came out and I was like I'm
gonna discretely use my BRAND NEW CELL PHONE TECHNOLOGY (as was the fashion in
2002-2003) and call the house phone here!) And I guess in my 8th grade
mind part of me actually thought IN THE MOVIE THE PHONE CALL SCARES THEM
SO IN REAL LIFE IT WILL TERRIFY THEM! Seems unlikely at
this point and its a good thing I never followed through with that prank because
I'd look the fool for a good long amount of time.
Alright, 10th paragraph. Had .5 units of alcohol, that
was satisfying enough! I dunno. Part of it feels weird to talk about
Democrat Primary Politics because On The Other Hand there's no guarantee at all
we'll have anything resembling a fair and free election. But we can't be
defeatist! We gotta just have blind hope hey everything might turn out
relatively close to okay right seems like it would without actually having
to do anything to help make that come to fruition. Just blind hope!
Makes sense to me, right? That'll do the trick. I'll see you guys
February 9, 2020
Brown Rice Is Part Of
The main part! In my book, at least. Also,
working on a book about Parts of Growing Up. Sounds like a decent
idea for a laugh-em-up filled book. My impressions on How To Grow Up.
But it's all just filled with 75% accurate, 25%
not-funny-but-kind-of-off-beat-things-to-say. Just a book of Brown Rice.
Anyway. There's a lot of stuff from the last entry that didn't sit well
with me, and I'm gonna go into it! 1) Saying Wednesday is the only
non-distinctive day in The Cure's Days-Of-The-Week-- obviously, Tuesday isn't
distinctive, too. It takes 2 to tango. If Wednesday is Tuesday, then
of course Tuesday is Wednesday! 2) Felt a little bit guilty of laughing at
Joe Biden. Sure, he'd laugh at me if he ever got the chance, but that
doesn't mean I should stoop to his level. And, besides, he's better
than a lot of people. Not sure at what, but probably, right?
Along those lines, Taylor Swift's documentary? SOrry to impugn its good
name by calling it a mockumentry. However, to impugn its good name
consciously, not a great name. 3) Distinctive new genres
with different proportions of mocukemntry and documentary? Reminds me of
Mr. Show sketch where they endlessly making different proportions of combination
mayonnaise and mustard. 4) Doctothefuture and Docdoctictocdoc,
upon further reflection, actually WERE close to actual Document Titles I had.
Documentrio, I recognized that appropriately as being accurate. The other
2 were, too, as well! 5) There's a a lot of Mock-Doc out there in
the world, not just Fox News. I feel very strongly about this. 6)
Didn't really touch on this aspect of it, but one of the best things about
living life by School Years is it sorta overlaps with the mindset of You're
always learning. If you're constantly just living School Years then
you're constantly just in school. Always learning! Good way
to think about life!
Glad We Got That
That's what Scientologists say. Yep. Got
some Carne Asada from Chipotle right now. Which translates into A-Side'a
Meat! Probably. Hey, one save-em-up! I don't get the 5 second
rule. You drop a Food on the floor, you pick it up before 5 seconds is
up? Hey good to eat! What exactly is gonna happen between 5 seconds
and 1 hour? It's not gonna be on the floor for 60 minutes and bacteria
from across the room is gonna be like HEY EVERYONE THERE'S FOOD ON THE FLOOR
10 FEET AWAY LETS LELETS HURRY UP BEFORE AN HOUR IS OVER.
Bacteria don't work that way! That's why I follow the 36 hour rule.
Hey you know how money is way dirtier and toilets right everyone talks about
that fun fact. Good movitvation to not do cocaine. That'll give you
the flu! You can't snort cocaine without paper money! I've Seen
Movies About It!
Anyway. Accidentally got a Green Tea Flavored
Sparkling Water that I thought was Diet Ginger Ale. What am I, AN
ANIMAL? WHAT'S THIS SPARKLING WATER BULLSHIT. I gotta say, if
any of the big wigs at Chipotle are reading this, keep that Carne Asada comin'!
It's great. Also that phrase comes from the pastime of all very successful
people at the heads of companies and corporations loving big wigs! Anyway.
How do you finish certain meals without using your fingers. I got some
rice left over from Chipotle Bowl, great! I'll scrape it together as much
as I can but there comes a point where this is just ridiculous I'm eating one
grain at a time! Lemme just use my fingers okay my fingers my rules!
Besides we've already learnt from this website that Chinese people use their
fingers to eat rice! Alright, let's call this some weird sort of
lunch-mini-entry. I feel like I got Six Huge Weights lifted off of me and
Also Plus Two Paragraphs. See ya later!
February 5, 2020
We're Gonna Say, "Have
a Good Day," Again!
Make America Good Day Again. Anyway, today is
Wednesday, which, according to The Cure, is the only weekday which isn't
distinctive. Monday is something, Tuesday is something, Thursday is
something, Friday is something. Wednesday? Well, whatever, lets
just say that's what Tuesday Is Too. Way to drop the ball The Cure!
Or, maybe, way to be On The Ball! It's not their fault Wednesday is
Tuesday, too! They're just transcribing facts! Can't blame them is
the point, anyway, what else is going on and crap. Anyway, Iowa Primary
was a couple of days ago! And the results should fully be in sometime
around August! But as of what we know, I'm happy Bernie did great and
Warren did solid, but what really tickles me is Biden crashing. Heh.
Makes me laugh.
Gonna write a tribute song called, "It's Wednesday, It's
Still Tuesday." Gotta write some kinda songs presumably. Was
watching the Taylor Swift Mockumentry and was like Wait a second people still
write songs? I thought that fad went away in 2015. Apparently I
was wrong. Why did I call it a mockumentry. Because I like
saying things, that's why! Get with the program. What do I got goin'
on today. More podcast-walks. I don't like it! No better
alternative, though! Listen to alternative bands, "Essential," play
lists. Alternative? Sure maybe. Hmm, Alt Rock and Alt
Right are very similar. Alt R.... The point is the way I feel
about Alternative Rock is there's good people on both sides. Remember
that time our president sided with white nationalists in a public speech after
they killed a counter-protester? Rings some sort of bell, I think.
Who can recall.
I remember lots of things! There's that, there's
partial lyrics to The Cure songs... like I said, lots of things! The point
is listening to podcasts its good because its leading to me writing a lot of
great notes on The New Monkees pilot episode because I imagine the podcasters in
certain roles. None of that is true. Well, let me revise
that. All of that is true except for the part about me doing work. Besides
that, I stand by everything! What else is going on and crap.
Listening to different podcasts from different niches in the comedy world, I
kinda get the impression the main way they siphon off into sub-groups is based
on their references. Cultural references and whatnot. Both in how they
live their life and the kind of references they make on stage presumably.
Maybe that seems obvious to you. But it doesn't speak well for my chances
of being a Comedy. I got no references! Both in terms of things I
could reference and also in terms of I got Nobody With Clout Or Authority
To Speak Well Of Me For When I Apply For Jobs! Comedy Jobs! I got
nothin' at all! Jeez.
Remember when they invented the last new genre, "The
Mockumentry?" That's what pretentious people presumably in
documentaries I've seen say or something. I've heard it by people with
clout or authority, is the point. Mockumentry was the last new genre.
Oh yeah, how about Fuck You, how's that for a new genre? Makes
sense to me. Hey, I've got an idea for a new genre! It's a mix
between documentary and mockumentry. It takes real subject matter, and
part of it is true, but part of it is making a mockery of the truth. That
part isn't true at all! I'm a revolutionary! OH SHIT here's another
new genre-- a mix between a doc-moc and either a documentary or a mockumentry.
Like, if its a mix with a documentary, it's about 75% documentary and 25%
mockumentry. Or, if it's a mix between doc-moc and mockumentry, it's about
75% mockumentry and 25% documentary! Anyway lets get #mockdoc trending and
give me money to produce one about something or something I dunno I don't have
all the details.
Heh. Mockdoc. Now I wanna do that!
Doc Moc sounds like a shitty Sith Lord who is also a cardiologist. I
dunno if I used the term, "Sith Lord," right. I'm, let's say, about
50, 60% sure that Darth People and whatnot and whatnot are Sith Lords. And
whatnot. Easily could be wrong, but that's what my gut is telling me.
If Darth People are so good at the force why are they evil, Why is it like
50% or more people who are especially gifted with The Force are also assholes.
I'd say only like 10-20% of the entire population, either in Our Real World or
In A Galaxy Far Far Away Also A Long Time Ago, are evil. But when it comes
to People Who Do Magic, suddenly it's 50% or more? What is it about
Being Powerful With Magic that suddenly makes you Hey you know maybe I should
use this power for evil! Might as well right nobody's gonna
say anything I'll
What else is going on and crap. The point is I've
already invented 4 new genres of story telling in this entry and nobody can take
that away from me. Is it 4? I think it's only 3. Ah,
but you're forgetting the most important one! Fuck You!
That's the fourth. Sixth paragraph. Figure I'll possibly take a Walk
Break after this one. Anyway, I dunno. What's going on in the wide
world of somethin' or whatever. Ah, I just realized why DocMoc as a
phrase is so appealing to me. When I was in the second half of high
school, I would have huge, hundreds of pages word documents with random
tablature and lyrics and ideas for dialogue in fake movies and all sorts of
stuff like that. And it was a recurring theme that the titles of those
documents would have the word, "Document," in them. Kinda foreshadows me
using the word, "Title," in these titles. And, no, it's not like,
"Document 1," or, "Document 2.5.20." It was stuff like DOCTOTHEFUTURE
and DOCUMENTRIO and DocDocTicTocDoc. Of those I think
DOCUMENTRIO is actually close to one that was real. Had nothin' to
do with the number 3, though. Fascinating. Aright gonna take
a Walk Break. Be back later!
How Much Of This Entry
Is A Repeat!
Much of it, probably. Anyway, one fun memory
from writing documents with a bunch of random notes, is, you do this: ____.
That Underscore character, right? And you do it 3 or 4 or 5 characters in
a row, and you hit enter, and guess what happens? AN ENTIRE LINE SHOWS UP
FROM THE COMPLETE LEFT TO RIGHT OF THE DOCUMENT. It separates each note
COMPLETELY just by doing the underscore several times. Really drives the
point home that these are separate notes What Fun! Anyway.
Maybe a DocMoc is a documentry of people making a mockumentry? Nope, that
doesn't sound like fun. I like the chaos and nonsense in conflated facts
with mockuments. For example, look to Fox News as a good template for what
a DocMoc is capable of in terms of evil. Just imagine producing a
Fox News but somehow Fun. Is that how people on the right see Fox News?
Like, they know its a MockDoc, but they're having a blast anyway because it's
their side? And it keeps the dummies laughing and entertained while
they run the country into the ground? I think I just cracked the Fox News code.
It's a fun MockDoc for 40% of the country.
Hmm that sounds weird. Such is life, though.
What else is going on. Gonna get some Pizza for lunch today. And, to
make the delivery worthwhile, gonna get some sort of Pasta Entree with it to
have for dinner tonight! And lunch tomorrow! And potentially even
some left over after that I Don't Know! I think saying They're Running
The Country Into The Ground! is a severe understatement. Oh well, what
can I do? What paragraph are we into. Eighth?
Wonderful. Has News Corp ever had to answer for Why, "Fox?"
They don't use Foxes: The Animals in any promotional material as far as I know.
They're not a tribute channel to Michael J. Fox. They're not Foxy Ladies
or anything. Let's get some people working on that one.
I dunno. Maybe you do! Probably not, though.
I'm a pretty smart guy so if I dunno odds are you dunno either. Sometimes
I think about my relative intelligence to other people and I think the only way
it really manifests itself is that I just take for granted I'm Smart Enough.
Like, my brain probably isn't working that much better than the average fool ,
but I just approach anything and everything with a running subconscious theme
of, oh well of course I can figure this out or oh I have enough
of a base knowledge of this... Where, I realize, a lot of America
probably just doesn't think of themselves as oh I can definitely figure this
crap out. But they could! They just don't take their own
intelligence for granted! C'mon folks let's figure this one out Hmm
Good Name For Great American Novel to inspire people to figure this one out
Lets Figure This One Out by Michael Kornblum.
I dunno. 10th paragraph. Figure I'll take a
walk after this one, maybe write a part III of III, or perhaps leave the entry
with only 2 Parts of III. Phantom Part III. I dunno, crap and crap.
I think the worst thing in the world is when you start watching SNL and right
after the NBC jingle, when the cold open is about to begin, they have that 1
second audio clip of the audience's laugher dying down, and it's the exact same
clip each time, it's not even real, and I'm like, WHAT THE HELL IS
THAT ALL ABOUT. WHY DO THEY NEED THIS HALF SECOND CLIP OF LAUGHTER DYING
DOWN THAT WE CAN ALL TELL IS THE SAME AS LAST WEEK. And--
why is it even there at all? To give us the impression the
crowd was laughing right before the show starts? AND NOW ISN'T? Why
is that aesthetically good? Worst thing in the world!
Anyway the point of this block of paragraphs is I'M A GENIUS which is
also the point of Every block of paragraphs for some reason.
How Much Of This Title
Is A Repeat!
About 90% of it. I'm gonna open up Microsoft
Word to see if that Underlining thing still happens. BRB. WOW YEAH
IT STILL WORKS WHAT FUN. nyway. February, eh? I still think
the best way to measure Years is The School Year. Years start in
September. Years end in May or June. Then you get a few months
uncommitted-- the best part! The best part of the year is when It's
Not Even The Year For A While. So anyway got a few months left to finish
this year strong. Also the TV schedule year. Maybe that's
part of why I like it, because I like TV a lot of the time. But also
because I used to go to school for a while and my Dad was a teacher so that was
his schedule too and I thought for a while I was gonna be a teacher so it was
actually gonna be my schedule...
Anyway what else is going on. Figure I'll write another
4 paragraphs. It's fun to imagine life as School because its like well
things aren't great right now... but I just gotta keep going and tough it out
until the end of May and then HOLLA SUMMER VACATION. Then for
September a few months later its like well I can do this for again for a
while, why not. I think not enough attention is given to the word
Entree being weird. Hey would you like an Entree? Yeah I'd
rather it be on a plate but I guess that'll do. Whatta waste of
life. Are we really supposed to be Appetized by appetizer? Like,
eating the appetizer makes us more hungry for the entree? Cause I'm
pretty sure that's not how human physiology works and Take It From Me I'm A
Smart Guy I Know Everything.
Jeez. Anything for dessert? Yes that's
what my friends and/or family will do to me after this meal is over why must you
bring this up now its just making me feel even worse. How about
ultra-dessert? Figure that ought to be a thing. Appetizer,
Entree, Dessert, ultra-dessert. And it's a sweet thing but really
really tiny. Like, if you're doing it on your own, the equivalent of One
Oreo or something. But if you're dining out it's something fancy but that
sort of amount. Gives you something to look forward to while eating
dessert. Instead of thinking about hey I'm gonna get to eat again in
another 7 hours that'll be nice.
Yeah! Well, 2 more paragraphs to
go. Figure I'll put in Lunch Order when this entry is done. Anyway,
did a team win the super bowl? That's what I was rooting for. Just
let everyone get some closure. Anyway. I dream stuff all the time
but the last thing I was dreaming last night just occurred to me-- I was writing
a movie called The Pastry and it was about politics and then just now I
remembered pastries had a lot to do with most recent Curb Your
Enthusiasm and maybe its about politics sub-textually I Dunno He's Our
Entertainment Bernie Sanders Surrogate anything is possible!
Alright last paragraph. You can even count
May-August as part of the year. Still better than Real Years.
August-July. Figure half of the summer gets added onto last year, and then
the second half of the summer is you gettin' started on the new year.
Wonderful, great, what else is going on and crap. Gonna start getting
haircuts responsibly instead of every 6 months. We're talkin every 6
weeks is the plan for now. Which means next time is in a week.
Fascinating. Anyway, that'll do it for today. See ya later!
February 1, 2020
I'll Be The Judge Of That
My deliberations have concluded. It is, in fact, a
website. I award myself All My Money. Sounds about fair,
right? To be the Judge of something is to make it into a cartoon.
I feel very strongly about this. I was thinking about it, and I should
save up 1000 dollars over 3 or 4 years of Birthday and Holiday Gifts, and be
like, hey someone without a job-- go through the 8 or whatever years of
crazysheet.net, 2012 on, pick out all the things good enough to be potential
jokes, arrange 'em and everything, and send that shit over! That would
take many, many hours, but if you ain't got nothin' better to do, seems like
it'd be worth like 1000 dollars. I could save that up in a few years!
Get on it!
The good news is you could probably start at around 2017
because I'm fairly certain the first joke I made was probably around May 2017.
And I worked my way up to a joke every other entry or so at this point!
I'm a Progress who gets Progress done! Jeez. I did figure out
a good way to spend my Walking Time-- go to iTunes and listen to good bands I've
never listened to, "essentials" play lists. You just get 20 or so best
songs from all these bands I've always thought yeah those must be good bands
but what can I do about it? So far, The Clash & Neil
Young done, 2000 bands to go! The Clash & Neil Young are seperate.
They didn't form a SuperGroup or anything. From now on whenever I have a
meal made up of different ingredients from different food groups I'ma call it a
SuperMeal. It's got carbs and protein and even some Other Stuff I
Wanna Say, "Fat?" I wanna try Ketosis but then I was like I don't wanna
try Ketosis. That sums that up!
I was thinking about saving up my birthday and holiday
money and paying someone to give me slightly more money. That's how
capitalism works, right? I'm not a fan of the first 2 Primary States for
Democratic President Election are Iowa and New Hampshire. Becauase those
are 2 of the stupidest state names. "I-oh-uh?" Sounds dumb to
me. New Hampshire? Shire? Reeks of Great
British Isles which to me is no bueno. Shire, c'mon, that doesn't belong
in America. Nobody will touch this hot button issue but Me!
To be fair, most states are dumb. Kansas. Actually that's
kind of a funny name. I'm on board with the name Kansas for a state.
Makes me laugh just typing it out! No joke anymore, just a real thought--
I'd read some comprehensive guide where it's like this is how each state got
its name. Cause I don't know for maybe any of them!
America, we all know that comes from Amerigo Vespucci.
But New York? Yeah I get there's an Old York But Still Why Here and
Why Now? Also, try the Vespucci from Olive Garden, they do Vespucci
right. A whole garden devoted to olives? Count me out!
Seems like a pretty crappy garden is the point, what else is going on. Is
it possible there was a great actor named Lawrence Oliver but he changed the
pronunciation of his last name to sound cooler and more dignified?
Sure, anything possible. We learnt that from physics-philosophy about how
there's 11 different dimensions. Anything you can imagine exists
somewhere somehow. That's my impression of how things work these
days. Somehow, there's a world where EVERYTHING ELSE IS THE SAME, but
New Hampshire is called New New New New New New New New Hampshire.
I can imagine it, thus, somewhere that's happening! No joke, that's my
honest impression of how my philosophy class from a few years ago told me how
things work these days.
Well, maybe that's how thing work. Nobody knows for
certain but that's one honest science-based opinion. I ain't foolin'!
At some point, I know as of now there's infinity parellel universes, but will
there be some point where they're like ok actually now we reached the
limit. No more parallel universes, sorry folks, it was fun while it lasted
but now it turns out there's no more room for new realities! Anyway,
fifth paragraph, figure I'll take a break after this one. Gotta take
breaks after somethin', right? That's my interpretation of things.
I ALREADY KNOW THE
TOPIC OF THE FIRST FEW SENTENCES COMING UP
I feel pretty guilty taking my walks, because I see half a
dozen pieces of gum on the grass right by the sidewalk each walk. And I
know that's my gum. In my head I always imagined it somehow going
away! But I never thought about how. Rain ain't gonna wash it
away. No one's gonna go around picking up gum. Gum ain't goin'
nowhere! I know that's what they say to persuade kids to not swallow gum.
You swallow some gum it's there for seven eyars. That's what I heard!
Now I think I learned they made that up, but why seven years?
Swallowing Gum, that's seven years bad luck for your small intestines,
something like that. But it turns out gum don't go nowhere, whether its in
your body or on the sidewalk. Fuckin' gum!
Wow. There is that isle of gum floating around in
the Gulf of Mexico. We all learned about that somewhere or something.
I don't get the gulf war: The War From Thirty Years Ago. You ain't
fighting on the gulf. Gulf is water! You're fighting a war adjacent
to Gulf. I feel very strongly about this Until Someone Goes Hey Mike
Actually You're Wrong Let Me Explain... I dunno. New Month! That
means I am legally allowed to Drink Alcohol again per my New Years Resolution.
Don't need to right now but it is in the works at some point over the next few
weeks, why not! Hmm. What CAN you do to get rid of gum.
Melt if with sulfuric acid. I don't know much about sulfur or acid but I
am under the impression from TV that sulfuric acid melts things, seems like a
phrase I've heard in that context here and there.
Dropping Acid does not sound appealing to me. They got
a big PR problem. Acid needs a new name. Pretty sure it's not
actual acid. Maybe it is. But they should have no problem coming
up with a better, possibly more accurate, name. I Got Bad News Folks I'm
gonna be out of soda some time tonight and I'm not getting new soda until
Tuesday morning No Bueno! Anyway. Is it a thing where people can
actually move to Toronto instead of just being like why, I want to move
to Canada Theoretically Without Actually Having To Do It! Can you
actually be like yeah hey I'm Gonna Do That! At first I was like
well I need to stick around here because of Mental Health problems can't go
start somewhere new. But then I was like don't they have fuckin'
universal health care they'll take care of me.
But then I'd need to pay for my own housing and supplies
and groceries and whatnot and presumably need to get a job! Oh well such
is life. Ninth paragraph. I think saying I'ma move to Canada to
get away from America! shows a real lack of imagination. Hey what's
that country right next to us? Canada? Yeah that'll do I guess.
And don't gimme none of that well they speak English. Everyone
Speak English! For example try England! They ain't much better
than America. Try ANYWHERE everyone speak English! Or
learn a new language! C'mon have some fun with this! There's 300
countries out there, not 2. Learn a new language and fuckin' move
to Tokyo, you'll love it! I am talking to myself right now. I
dunno if I'd love Tokyo. Too much futuristic video games. Too
many flashing lights. Figure It'd just be seizure after seizure living in
Alright, one more paragraph, then walk 4 of 5, then come back
and eat lunch, potentially while writing a few more paragraphs. Wunderbar.
Does Japan still have an Emperor as a figure head, like Britain with Queen
Elizabeth Part II? My guess? No I don't think so. Well
That Settles That. Maybe a solution to America is just adopt a figure-head
monarchy and make Trump king. I think he'd be fine having Democratic
Presidents who run shit as long as he gets to call himself King. I
dunno I meant that as a joke but I could imagine Trump being like HELL YEAH
I'M DOWN WITH THAT LETS MAKE IT HAPPEN and I don't want Trump as a
king even without power. I feel very strongly about this! That I
don't want Donald Trump to be king! I know it's a touchy subject but
that's just one man's opinion! Walk Time! Hmm. Queen
Elizabeth Part II is 93 years old. Guess all that inbreeding pays off
every now and then? She's going against the grain! Ok walk time
THIS IS THE BEST TITLE
I COULD THINK OF
That's sad. Lets pity me. Pity is great
because it increases exponentially. Hey, this guy is being pitied for
some reason. How pitiful. Let's pity him more for being pitiful and
being pitied. What else. You know how some people speed up
podcasts to get in more podcasts in less time? I wanna be the first guy to
slow down podcasts. Oh man 50% speed I'm Really Gonna Savor This!
I Wrote That Joke Before My Walk. Oh well such is life.
Lunch right now is 1/2 EXTRA LEAN corn beef sandwich on club bread plus a BAKED
potato knish NOT FRIED BAKED.
Wunderbar. I guess four more paragraphs'll
make me feel good about myself. Then gotta figure out what to do with the
rest of the day. Out of movies on Shudder and HBOGO and Netflix I'm
interested in. I guess I could re-watch The Office (USA) but I'm scared
people will judge me because that show isn't cool anymore. It was cool the
first few seasons. Then it became lame. And it's my life long dream
to be Cool and NOT Lame. Anyway. Knish. Do they have Delis in
suburbs and crap where there's no Jewish people? They gotta, right?
I can't think of any Chain Delis, though. Arby's, do dumb people think
that's a deli? They might! Dumb people think lots of dumb things.
Let's pity them for being dumb.
What else is going on and crap. This Deli I got food
from is a chain deli, poking a huge hole in my story. But not like
hundreds of locations in Non-Jewish places. Instead, half a dozen in NY,
and a few in Florida-- in Jewish populations. So they still cater to
people of the Jewish persuasion. I'm sayin' there should be a chain Deli
that's for gentiles. Anyway, I dunno. They have corn beef and they
have extra lean corn beef. Seems like I should be able to split the
difference and just get lean corn beef, right? Anyway, it's February.
Get a load of that crap! Pretty sure there are Bagel Chain Stores.
Maybe they sell some varients of basic Delicatessen Sandwiches. No way to
Hey lets go to the Chain Store. They sell all
different kinds of chains! Chains for your bike, chains for your car,
chains for chain fighting. Necklace chains, whatever, you want a chain for
something, they got it! I finished my lunch whatta jip. Last
few weeks, since I started dieting by Not Drinking Alcohol & Walking A Bunch,
I've been losing about a pound a week! At this rate, I will be -25 pounds
at some point in the future I don't know Math you figure it out! Seems
like a Physics thing where you could weigh a negative amount, right? Lets
get Neil Degrasse Tyson working on that one. He's called that cause you
need to be On Grass to process what he's saying! and eating Tyson Frozen Chicken
Nuggets For Good Measure! also Neil Armstrong Walked On The Moon Coincidence? I
Think Not! At the very least lets see if he's on board with New New
New New New New New Hampshire existing somewhere.
Well, here we are, last paragraph. What else is
going on. The Moon Is Science. That's basically the argument
I made several sentences ago. The Moon gets a lot of credit for being far
away but you know what ain't that far away. That's my hypothesis On
Science. I know they say The Moon is about 1/4th the size of the Earth but
yeah I'm not buying it I say it's much smaller than that. Maybe like
1/16th the size of the Earth. Try to prove me wrong, you can't, its my
hypothesis on science, bulletproof ironclad hypothesis. Alright I
guess that's the end of the entry. See ya some other time!