Sunday, April 28, 2019
Month Rhymes With Lunch. Well, I'm Done For The Day
I suppose, sure, why not? I can't wait
to start a new month to mix up the color scheme. Go back to the tried and
true #2 Back-Up Classic of Black Font on White Background? Or
something wholy different? Also, I'm 100% sure wholey is a word-- sure, I
don't know how to spell it, but it is definitely a word-- but Microsoft
FrontPage offers zero suggestions for any possible spelling of the word!
I'm gonna start a boycott of something that may or may not be related to this.
Oh, wait. It offers, "Wholly." Nevermind. I'm not calling
off the imaginary boycott, though! We're too far down that rabbit hole to
go back! C'mon guys, let's take to the streets! It's possible I
don't know what a boycott is. Apparently I think it's some sort of riot.
Oh well, what can ya do. Man meets girl.
Boy meets cot. Room loses pillows. Woman versus nature.
That sums up any and every possible story in the world. I learnt about it
in fifth grade or something. The truth in that is, in fifth grade, I
learned about the different conflicts a story can have in its plot-- man versus
man, man versus nature, man versus self, and possibly one or two other 'man
versus.' And they're supposed to cover the conflict of any and every
possible plot. I didn't think of it then, but thinking back on it now,
man man is really antagonistic. We take it as a given in
upper-elementary school that man is against everyone! Fuck nature!
Fuck other men! Fu... wait scratch that last one. Fuck
yourself! ... well, that one sounds about right for myself and most people.
Something along those lines. After wearing contacts
for at least part of the day for a week straight, today and yesterday have been
back to glasses. The plan is to wear contacts roughly 2 times a week, to
stretch 90 day supply (+ ~10 or so in bonus 'trial' contacts!) into a years
worth. Awesome! Also, wearing glasses again, glasses ain't so
bad. I was worried, after wearing contacts for a week straight, I'd be
real disappointed to go back to glasses for the lion's share of days. But
I like 'em! I'll wear glasses 3/4 days, sure, why not, whose gonna stop
me, you? Nature? Myself?! I'd like to see you
try! All of you! You all team up and fight me and I'll still win!
That's an interesting question I should have asked my 5th
grade teacher-- Hey, what if Nature, Other Men, And Yourself team up against
you? It's man versus MAN, NATURE, AND SELF?! That
sounds like a real epic movie possibly containing super heroes and which is 2
hours and 40 minutes long and I'd like to see it today.
I'm pretty sure there were other Man Versus... lemme check internet.
Ah, man versus, "Society." When I put, "Society," in
quotes, you can read it as Billy Madison 5 minutes before the movie ends.
Anyway, Society, that's like Man Versus Man, right, but with 20% of nature
thrown in. It's like Man Versus The Nature of Man. And also, it's
kind of like Man Versus Self, because presumably in most cases the problem Man
has with Society (or Society Has With The Man) is that The Man Is Not Conforming
To Society or Being Antagonistic To Society Or Something Right? Great,
great, how's that working out for you. Huh.
Also, apparently, women are never involved in
conflict. That sounds like a sweet deal! Alright, alright,
whoever started this theory of literature was obviously not woke on gender and
meant, 'man,' to be gender neutral. But, it does raise an interesting
question-- what about conflicts between two things that aren't people?
Can't nature have a problem with society? Off the top of my head--
global warming. That's Society Versus Nature. The point is I
just proved literature to be a fraud where's my Nobel prize.
Anyway I'm gonna put lunch in the oven to consume it in about 35 minutes.
Be back in a Jpeggy!
I guess it's just a people-centric point of view.
Global Warming is only a problem if Man considers it a problem. So, for
global warming, it's Man Versus [Society intersecting with Nature]. I
guess. It's not a problem until people consider it a problem.
Anyway, what else is going on. Been doing pretty good in poker.
Already reached the highest goal I set for myself to reach about a week ago, to
have reached by comedy class (which be nine days from now). So now, I'm
just bumping up all the goals by 100$, which is roughly what I'm up from then.
Every primary, secondary and tertiary goals are exactly the same, just increased
by 100$! Nice! Is Nice!
I guess. Been getting up increasingly early after
going to bed increasingly... well, also early, that makes sense. I
like it! Eating an early breakfast, early lunch, makes me feel normal.
Same times a normal person would be eating meals. None of this I'm
having lunch at 3:00 PM nonsense. Jeez, what paragraph are we into.
Seventh. I was originally not gonna start writing here until after
afternoon walk, but oh well, what can ya do. I got my new chair!
It's real comfortable! I can sit in it regular, I can sit in it American
Indian Style cuz it's big, I can recline, I can set it to not recline, I
can push the arm rests up! The possibilities are endless! Well,
there's about 8 possibilities. Those three things in all possible
different combinations. Pretty sure that's 8 possibilities.
Sure I know math. Get off my back
about it! Jeez. Also fine tuning exercise schedule so my Room
Walking is scaled back a bit so I don't just conceptualize every waking moment
as an opportunity to burn calories. Basically, still taking three separate
half hour walks a day-- nothin' wrong with that, going out, getting some air,
opportunity to get coffee or food or somethin. And some Room Walking
between morning walk and lunch (combined with some sit and push ups during this
time), and a little bit more Room Walking after Evening Walk. That gives
me a nice chunk in the middle of the day where I can just fuckin' sit down
and relax. And this time is the bulk of the waking day. But I'm
also afforded me enough Burning Calories each day that I can eat like an asshole
Cool! Jeez. What else is going on. Ninth
paragraph. Had an even 5 before putting lunch in oven. Should have
roughly an even 10 before eating lunch. Then maybe take a walk, come back
here, write another 5 or 10. Perhaps aided by the alcohol content found in
beer-- I don't know yet! Either way Great What Else Is Going On. I
like it when stuff is even. That's definitely low level OCD. And by,
"even," sure, multiples of 5 are also considered even. Nice Round Numbers.
That's what I'm looking for. In fact, multiples of 5 are even more
desirable than multiples of 2. Whoever considered 18 a nice, round
number? Meanwhile, 25, now that's a number I think we can all get
behind! I feel very strongly about this.
Hey I'm 30 years old. Fuck multiple of 5, this fucker
is a multiple of 10. Now we're talking great number.
Gotta make it count. I only have 2/3rds of a year left to make it count!
Must. Make. It. Count. 31 is next. Well, my
immediate association with 31 that I went to P.S. 31 for elementary school.
True Story! I don't know. Guess lunch is coming soon. I can't
wait! Sure I can. And I will. The point is hmm how to
close out this paragraph. Oh hey that wondering did the trick.
I got lucky there. Anyway, eat lunch now, fuck around for 5 or 10
minutes, take walk, get back here, write 2nd half of entry! Let's go!
And I'm back. Trying out a new flavor of
gum. "Mint Bliss." Kinda overselling it, huh? Bliss.
Chewing this gum is the end all be all opiate! It'll take you to nirvana!
It's like an orgasm in your mou... wait scratch that last one. It's
okay, though. Right now, my rankings of Trident Gum I've chewed in the
past few months go 1) Wintergreen 2) Peppermint 3)Mint Bliss 4) Spearmint 5)
Original 6) Minty Sweet Twist. Let's do a Fantasy Gum Draft.
We'll get together 10 of our closest friends and pick flavors of gum to fill out
a team of flavors of gum that will accumulate points for us as the season goes
on. Huh. Hmm. That's one way to end a paragraph.
Awesome! Decided to get a second iced coffee for
the day as opposed to a beer. Slightly more expensive, slightly less
unhealthy. That's a trade off I'd make any day of the week not including
Friday and possibly Saturday I figure twice a week is fair to not adhere to this
rule it's not a hard and fast thing there's flexibility to it and it's open to
interpretation. Like the constitution. Zing'd em. You
know, originalists? Or maybe the other kind of interpreting the
constitution. I forget which one is which. All I know is The
Originalists is a nice band name for people who make constitution-themed punk
rock. Which, lets face it, is a niche just waiting to be filled.
13th paragraph! Anyway, what else. It's a good
'Punk Rock' name because no one knows for sure which side originalists are on!
I assume everyone is like me in the sense that they learned about the different
ways of interpreting the constitution at some point in their life but then
forgot which one is which. And, let's be honest, also forgot exactly
what the non-originalists are called. Textualists? Something like
that. I don't know, lets get back on track with this entry. Went to
Bakery on my afternoon walk. I got myself 4 cookies. 4! I
started laughing before telling the baker I was gonna get 4 cookies. I
mean, as far as she knows, I'm getting stuff for my entire family. Which
is partly true, I also got my Mom a cupcake. But I still felt it necessary
to laugh a little, sort of as a social cue of a warning, This is gonna sound
completely crazy, I know... but I'm gonna need 4 cookies. Hand 'em
over. Nice and slow. Nobody needs to get hurt.
Two cookies for Afternoon snack today and tomorrow.
Two cookies for evening dessert snack today and tomorrow. Yeah that's
right this is where the CircleWalking pays off! Speaking of bakers, I was
thinking, I don't get why the butcher in Fiddler On The Roof is comparatively
upper class. Like, butchers are pretty high up on the financial totem pole
in semi-rural, agrarian economies of 100, 120 years ago. Great.
You took an animal and cut it up a bit. I could do that. Why
have you more money than me because you can make a few cuts? I guess
in Jewish communities you need to make sure that the resulting meat is Kosher.
Does that mean the butcher needs to say some prayers and stuff throughout his
day? Maybe, I don't know! Only one way to find out! Wish I
knew what that way was. Oh well, what can ya do.
15th paragraph! Also, these cookies are relatively big.
I guess I should have made that clearer before. They're not huge jumbo
sized cookies, but they're also not small cookies. Somewhere in the
middle. Jumbo Shrimp... Shrimp Gumbo. Hmm. Is that
anything? What else is going on. Been wearing very old pairs
of jeans from over a decade ago that suddenly fit me again. It's been a
blast and a half. Man I'm loving this chair. A love affair for the
ages. Man Meets Chair. Chair Satisfies Man In A Way No Human Could
Ever Hope To. Man Thinks About Why Any Human Would Ever Hope To Satisfy
Said Man. Doesn't Add Up To Man. Man Reclines Into Chair Further.
It's that age old story, ya know.
Well, 75% there, five paragraphs to go, those are some nice
round numbers for ya. I'm wearing a nice old shirt I haven't worn in
years, maybe ever. It wasn't my type of shirt when I could have worn it.
But now, fine! It has buttons and everything. I kind of look like a
pilot in it. Well, not a pilot, more like some guy who works for the air
force, but isn't currently flying a plane. That kind of guy is what which
I am looking like according to myself for some reason. Well, there, 75%
done with this paragraph. More Round numbers! I remember as a
kid being pissed off by Fiddler On The Roof because it's blatant false
advertising. This was no fiddler on any roofs. This legitimately
upset me as a kid.
I don't know. I think I had it on VHS but I couldn't
have watched it very often because 90% of the plot never even registered with me
until I saw it in completion on TV a few months or a year ago. I've
remembered a bunch of the songs, but the actual plot, not really. I don't
know, three and a half paragraphs to go. I think this website is the
comedy equivalent of Slant Rhymes in music. It sorta makes sense, sorta is
impressive, but for the most part, it's like, this guy is cheating, cutting
corners, making his own rules and I'm not 100% 'down' with this. That
sort of thing, right? That's the sort of thing that I'm all about.
I'll make you down with something if it the last thing I do!
That's a strangely fatalistic turn of phrase. I'm gonna die someday--
maybe someday soon-- but it'll be worth it to accomplish this one last thing!
Which in this case is to make you down with something? That doesn't
sound right. Doesn't even make sense. None of this makes sense!
So we got that going for us is the point. And only two more paragraphs
after this one is the secondary point. And the tertiary point is I haven't
lost a single cent on poker while the entry was going on.
Penultimate paragraph. This was a fun one.
Solidly in the D+/C- category I'd say. I remember getting a few A++ in
grade school and one A+++. Never got a B--, though. I guess
for a teacher to go with more than one + or -, it needs to be accentuating the
highest quality work possible. Because you have no other way to signify
that something is better than an A+. But if you think something is B+/C-,
but let's say more on the B+ side, you still can just say B+/C-, you're not
gonna do B+++. I guess you can do it the other way, too. You don't
want to fail someone, but you really wanna drive the point home that they did
the worst someone can possibly do, even worse than they think is imaginable--
give 'em a D---. So that's a possibility for teachers I guess.
Last paragraph! My Dad was just in my room cause his
file cabinet is in my room so every few days he stops by for a few minutes.
And he was looking at my laptop and he was like why does your monitor have
all those stains. And I was like what are you talking about?
And he was like all those brown stains on the monitor. And I was
like I have no idea what you're talking about. And after a few more
times through that exact exchange I started seeing what he was talking about.
My monitor is dirty as fuck but I don't even notice it because I'm used to it.
Gotta imagine that's leading to an unclean mind in general, considering how
often I'm at my computer. Oh well, what can ya do. Get a new
laptop. I like the way you think! Keep getting new stuff!
Eventually I'll feel satisfied with life and happy in general I guess! See
Friday, April 26, 2019
All The Way There
Hey friends and enemies. I like that
phrase that goes, Keep your friends close, and your enemies... well, stay
away from your enemies. What are you, some jerk who wants to be
antagonistic for some sick reason? You get off on being around your
enemies, do ya? That's your kick? Well, whatever, there's no
reasoning with you. The point is I lost a good wearable Left Eye
Contact Lens because I took it out cause it was moving around in my eye and I
then realized I had the plastic container to store it in temporarily but it had
not been filled up with a saline solution so it was in fact worthless I can't
just put it into a piece of plastic naked so I just got rid of the contact lens.
So my plan for a while was Eh I guess I'll just wear one contact lens
for the rest of the day! That should prove to be interesting! I'm
not gonna take my right one out, why should I? I'm not gonna put a
new left one in, that's a waste of roughly 3 quarters! I'm gonna
spend the day halfway there!
I ended up putting a new left one in.
Consequences be damned! I can afford 75 cents. I pretty much have
unlimited change on account of buying things with my parents money and hoarding
all the change that comes back my way. It's a source of monies never to
run dry! Anyway, I think I have a few save-em-ups. First one I came
across-- Are people from Tel Aviv called, "Tel Avivins?" Pronounced
like, "Televisions," with a lisp? It's a good save-em-up because it
really makes you think about the world we live in. Specifically, what
kind of world do we live in where Mike would think that's good Crazysheet?
A negative world, that's what! A crap world we should get rid of.
Bring on the ice caps melting, we're goin' down with the ship! Like
that Band on Titanic thing! Musicians on Titanic is a good...
The word Titanic fell out of favor around the time
The Titanic: The Ship went down. I guess just using the word
brought up too many bad feelings. I mean, it used to be a perfectly
acceptable and widely used adjective. No one says it anymore.
Man look at that... something! It's titanic! Never
again. Anyway, in 3 hours, it'll be a clean 28 days without a cigarette.
Or, some might say, a month. That'll learn 'em, that'll learn all
of 'em for doubting me! I actually feel like I'm kind of getting away with
something what with quitting cigarettes. I saw online that the success
rate for people trying to quit smoking cold turkey is around 3-6%. And I'm
doing it without that much effort. Seems wrong. Why me?
Doesn't seem fair.
Still, though, the amount of cigarette crap I've consumed in
one decade will have permanent effects on my body forever. Even with
quitting, compared to people who never smoked, my chances of getting lung
cancer or heart disease are titanic! By which I mean my lungs will
be the subject of a 2 billion dollar movie and launch several people's careers
for some reason. What paragraph are we into? Fourth? Yup!
What other kinds of save-em-ups do I got lying around. I started having a
new fresh spiral notebook by my computer/temporary TV [same machine] and I call
this new spiral notebook RND, or: Random Notes Daily. And I just
write random notes in it. Sometimes crazysheet thoughts, sometimes lyrics,
ideas for comedy bits, sometimes ways to conceptualize how to play poker going
forward, or questions I need to ask doctors next time I see them. Pretty
much anything that I need to remember goes into RND.
It's great because I no longer need a memory at all.
Anything remotely important goes into the RND. My mind has become obsolete
except for the initial millisecond of a thought. Whew! No more
effort at all! That's a relief. Anyway, jeez, now we're into the
fifth paragraph. I'm sacrificing ~2 hours of CircleWalking but it's worth
it to create some art that will live forever. You know, this
crap? Right. Gettin' pretty deep into the Guided By Voices book.
Pretty good book! I like reading it! That's my hot take on Books.
Anyway. I feel like I've been scammed getting cold brew coffee instead of
regular iced coffee for the past six months. It's more expensive, and ya
kind of want to assume it's better quality in either or both Health & Taste, but
it's not. I mean in theory it sounds great. Cold
Coffee.. Designed To Be Cold Coffee. This Is What Cold Coffee
Should Be. As opposed to the anarchic and misadventurous WEEEEEEEEEEE
WE TOOK REG HOT COFFEE AND POURED IT ON ICE NOW ITS COLD!
But it tastes better when you do a blind or
halfway-there taste test. And those are the cold hard facts.
Sixth paragraph. My chair delivery just arrived from Staples. I'm gonna
have to put it together myself. That is not exactly my wheelhouse, putting
stuff together. But someone's gotta do it! And the guy who works at
Staples who does it for a fee is hard to book! So we'll see if that pans
out or if I just give up and leave the pieces in the box for the rest of our
natural lives. Like that weird expensive stereo speaker or something that
I got in 2008 that's supposed to give really great high quality audio but I
never figured out what it attaches to or how it attaches to it. So
that's still in a box somewhere.
I feel like those two things could be keystones in starting a
new life as a Hoarder. Two good things to form a basis for taking that
road in life. So we'll see how that pans out is the point. What else
is going on. Working my way back up in poker over the lat few days.
All those RND Poker thoughts are really paying off! Let me give you a
taste of Poker RND thoughts from the last few days--
[4/23/19] - Primary
Goal-- Stay Above $205 TWO WEEKS FROM NOW- (Up til 1st Day of Comedy Class
Secondary Goal-- Get up to $305 in same time period (win ~5 dollars a day on
Tertiary Goal-- Get up to $255 or $280 (other round numbers to aim for)
PLAY TIGHT, CONSERVATIVE, BY THE BOOK! ...
Heh, here's another note I like...
[4/25] -- HAIR CARE-- just
shaved, GET Haircut Next weekend, 2-3 days before class starts.
Also I had a bunch of notes on what
T-shirts to wear for the duration of comedy class. The point is Circle
Walking is slowly bubbling over into driving me further insane beyond just the
actual circle walking. I blame everything on circle walking from this
point on in my life. Anyway. Also-- Poker Update For You Guys-- I'm
at $284 right now! So man oh man have I destroyed the tertiary goal and am
very much on track to get to that secondary goal (and, of course, totally been
obliterating the Primary Goal, but the whole point of making that the Primary
Goal is to make sure I don't make negative progress to the point I can't
even succeed at the primary goal.
I love it! Anyway, what else is going on. I now
have one more contact lens for my right eye than I do for my left eye.
Gotta wonder if that'll pay off in the long run. ~9th paragraph, depending
on how you count. I'm counting this as the 9th paragraph, okay? I'm
really interested in seeing the new Avengers movie because I like the idea of it
being the last Avengers movie. It's about time that cinema moves on from
these jerks and I wanna front row seat to send them off! Anyway I don't
know. Gonna take a walk when this is over hopefully but I still got aways
to go. I have a tiny bit of alcohol left that I could finish during this
entry. I think I'll do that for some reason starting now!
Been alternating between watching Twilight Zone and Tales
From The Crypt on my Computer/Temporary-TV. It's good because I enjoy
those shows and they entertain me when I watch them. That tends to be what
I get out of consuming media entertainment. Gonna also open a 5/10 cent
table in poker right now. Just to keep things moving. Anyway, jeez,
another 11 paragraphs? I guess. I don't need to, though. I
could top off at 15 overall, whose to say what's right and what's wrong in
today's complicated world. Perhaps the most relatable part of the Guided
By Voices book is this guy GETS titles. I feel like if I'm on the
same wavelength as anyone in the world regarding titles, it just may be Robert
Pollard. Not to say our titles come from the same place-- they don't.
In many ways our titles are worlds apart. But we both recognize that
Titles B Important or Something Like That.
Anyway. I've been waiting ~16 months for a new TV.
At this point I forget if it was originally conceived as a 29th birthday present
or a graduation gift for winning Queens College. Either way it was a
simpler time back then when promises made were promises kept and whatnot.
Anyway. What else! It was just raining really hard for 10 minutes
when I brought my Chair Pieces in and I was like good thing I'm writing an
entry, I don't wanna take an afternoon walk in this. Then it stopped
and I'm all like, this may be my one window to take an afternoon walk without
getting soaked. Do I dare take a break from crazysheet or let it ride.
My guess is keep going doing whatever you want.
Sure. I think I would have a much easier time starting
working on music again if I had at least one other person to play with me or at
least motivate me. Oh well, what can ya do. Some of us have solitary
missions in life and such is life ya know. The point is I don't know if
Robert Pollard actually is guided by voices in the sense that I and other
mentally ill people sometimes are but one would imagine they might cover that in
the 2nd half of the book possibly? Otherwise we can only speculate I
guess. The next paragraph will be 13. I'm telling you now so don't
complain when it starts.
Hi. Good chance I'll tap out at 15 paragraphs, meaning
we got three more, so lets make it count. There was a period of a couple
of months in 2009 where I really put in an effort to listen to as many complete
Guided By Voices albums as I could find online at the time and give it a good go
of it but it never really clicked for me. I mean, there's one or two dozen
songs individually that I really like, but I never warmed up to the
entire album experience. Oh well, such is life and whatnot. Also,
interesting side note-- that period of 1 or 2 months was the last time (and,
well, only other time) in my life I was doing a lot of Circle Walking.
Life has come Full Circle.. Walking. Hey GBV
came up with a good title for you Full Circle Walking get back to me.
Actually, you don't even need to get back to me. Just use it, no
communication with the originator required! Hey GBV came up with a good
title for you Communication With The Originator just think about it.
Alright, alright, this can go on forever. So let's see, what paragraph we
into now. 14? Great, great, just great. Started raining hard
again so that's something to consider I guess. Either way I'm done after
the next paragraph. I remember back in 2009 actually finding many GBV song
titles scary. One off the top of my head, Tractor Rape Chain.
Yeesh. Gives me the willies.
Okay time to wrap it up. This April has been the most
prolific month of crazysheet in a while. I think it's partly because of
you figure it out all the clues are there in the entries why should I have to
tell you what I think. Cool! Anyway been eating bagels a little
bit this month is the real takeaway from this month. Probably like 3 or 4
bagels in the past four weeks. After maybe 1 in the past 4 or 5 years!
I'm back with bagels and it's lovely, it really is. It's confusing how
there's a hole in the middle because I don't know if I'm supposed to mime
chewing when I get to the hole just to be consistent or what but either way hey
the entry is over whatta D/D+! I'll take it! See ya later.
Monday, April 22, 2019
Breaking The Law
Not-Quite-a-Doctor said that during the trial period of trying on contacts, I'm
to increase the amount of time I'm wearing contacts each day by an hour each
day. Today I should be up to 5 hours. I'm almost at six right now
with no end in sight! Hah! Sight! Hah! End!
HA! IN! I
figure I'll write this entry On Contacts just for fun and then take 'em out.
Wearing contacts instead of glasses is truly like being on some sort of
psychoactive drug. I literally see the world differently, the world sees
me differently, and I can't get enough of it! Gimme some more of
the Contact High! Hah! More puns!
The point is don't report me to the Eye
Police. Not to be confused with the iPolice, which will replace the
American Government as our new authority figures in the 2040's. That's
right, the entire Earth will become a subsidiary of Apple. One would
imagine. And people'll be like Hmm some stuff about Apples in the Bible
I wonder if they were predicting this. And then other people
will be like quiet they're iListening to you! Also every
verb, noun, and adjective will have to be preceded by an, "i," and the first
other letter will have to be capitalized. For example, that sentence will
read, Also every i-Verb, i-Noun, and i-Adjective i-Will i-Have to be
i-Preceded by i-An, -"I,".... and so on and so forth and whatnot.
We're finally starting to talk about impeachment!
I love it. I was thinking about it, and, yeah, obviously
Trump has obstructed justice. And it's not an arcane legal term that we
can go Hah! GOTCHA! YA OBSTRUCTED JUSTICE WHATEVER THAT MEANS!
All it means is there was justice to be doled out and Trump said nope,
I will prevent that justice from being done! I'll Obstruct it!
Plus, my obstruction of justice will be particularly aided by my immense powers
and influence as president. There could be justice, sure-- but I'll
obstruct it! Me, Trump! That Guy Whose President For Now!
I still think the best example is Trump going on TV saying he
fired Comey for opening the Russia Investigation. The Russia Investigation
was to determine possible coordination and/or collaboration between Russia and
the Trump Campaign, and use the results to produce justice. Then
Trump went on TV and said you know that comprehensive, unbiased, and
totally 100% legitimate investigation they're talking about? I chose
to obstruct that by firing Comey. I wanted him to be loyal to me,
he showed he wasn't, so I fired him! Also, let this be a lesson to future
people-- ya better be loyal to me as opposed to being loyal to justice
or else I'll get rid of ya! I'm admitting it on TV in front of everybody
now so people will be so flabbergasted and not know how to react or process it.
By the way, just for reference, here's
the quote I'm referring to--
Trump told NBC's Lester Holt: "And in fact when I decided to just do it, I
said to myself, I said 'you know, this Russia thing with Trump and Russia is a
made-up story, it's an excuse by the Democrats for having lost an election
that they should have won'."
Fact-- By his own admission, Trump fired Comey
while considering This Russia Thing [You know, that legitimate
investigation to determine facts and how to pursue justice?] Now, one
could possibly argue that this isn't obstruction in and of itself-- because I
suppose you could argue for it to be obstruction it would have to involve having
an effect on the investigation from that point on-- which it may have or may
not have, I'm not well informed enough.) Maybe it's not obstruction if
its firing him after the fact, so to speak-- I guess it depends on
whether his firing would directly impact the forthcoming investigation.
BUT by admitting that he fired someone for pursuing justice, on TV in front
of everyone of all places, he sends a clear signal to other people working in
government: Don't pursue justice, be loyal to me. Or else you're
gone. That's right, you heard me. I just said it. No justice!
Loyalty! What Else Is On TV.
I'm not a lawyer but I like thinking of it that way
because you could argue it wasn't obstruction until he decided to do that
interview. It was the interview itself that was obstruction!
Hah. Makes me laugh, at least. Anyway what else is going on.
What paragraph are we into, lets get into some yuck-em-ups. Still thinking
of bits for Stand Up Comedy Class. I came up with some sort of joke where
I'm like I'm trying to move from becoming a child into becoming an adult--
I'm transitioning! or something like that. I like it because it's an
obvious and hacky joke which I would hate if I saw someone else say it, but if I
say it, brilliant it's great don't change a thing!
I was re-watching Poltergeist: The Original on my
computer Netflix a few nights ago. I think Earth continuing to burn fossil
fuels in the face of global warming is a lot like that scene where the guy in
Poltergeist scrapes off his face bit by bit in the mirror. There's
gotta be better analogies than that. But it does do a good job
conveying how fuckin' gruesome it is. We're just fuckin' going nuts
ruining the planet for an incalculable number of species, obviously including
ourselves, and for what? Really, what? I don't get it. Just
stop, humanity. It's not that hard! Just do it. Listen to
I wonder what kind of world we would live in if the little
girl from the Poltergeist franchise had survived into adulthood. What kind
of movies would be made in the 1990's, 2000's, and 2010's that would have been
designed to be vehicles for that person. It would have changed everything!
Hey that girl from Poltergeist is all grown up now and is in Sophisticated
and possibly Sexy roles and whatnot! It's an alternate universe that
we'll never know. I suppose the next paragraph will be the ninth.
Anyway. Contacts, Comedy Class, and Chairs. The three, "C's," of me
improving my life this month. Oh, also, I'm getting a new chair.
I should have made that clear beforehand.
I have wrist beforehand. I don't know about you guys.
That's how it works for me. Anyway, still without a cigarette for 3 and a
half weeks. Whatta joy. Not 100% happy with The Three, "C's."
The first two start with a, "Kah," sound, good, but the third is a, "Ch,"
sound, doesn't really go with the first two. Comedy Class and Contacts,
there's something there, but when you throw in chairs to try to pad it into a
3some instead of 2some you ruin some of that alliteration magic. It's a
tradeoff and I don't think you're getting the best of it. Anyway.
Last time I was hospitalized the chief psychiatrist of the unit was a Dr.
Lau. Pronounced, "Law." Terrifying.
Doctors and Law? It's the most terrifying
team up since Alien and Predator decided to team up against Freddy and Jason!
Either team. They're both terrifying. And Doctors and Law
apparently don't surpass that terror, it's only the most since then.
Anyway what else was I talking about. I love the idea of getting a new,
comfortable chair, and I also love the idea of always walking in a circle during
free time. It's very, very hard to reconcile these two competing views of
my future. I've certainly given myself a lot to think about is the point,
but ultimately I think its best to leave myself with options. Get the
chair, so each day, each hour, each minute, I'll have the opportunity to choose
between Great Chair and Walky Walk Walk.
11th paragraph! Theoretically halfway through the
entry. I'm down about 60 dollars in poker from last week but I've also
saved 70d dollars in No Cigarettes over that same time period. But I can't
just continually use the Saving Money From No Cigarettes reasoning because after
a while it'll get old. Also, I'm choosing to conceptualize things like
this-- Poker Money, if it's around where it is right now, pay for the
Contact Lenses for a year + initial consultation. And from the day I quit
smoking to the first day of comedy class, the amount saved is almost exactly
what the comedy class would cost. And the chair-- well, the chair is a
gimme. My parents gave me the chair because I was like gimme.
Also, good for posture! If my parents didn't
get me a new chair, my posture would become terrible and they'd be negligent
parents! You're 30 years old. At some point it's on you to
take care of your posture. Yeah, probably! But for now, it's
not! They don't mind a bit for now! Probably! If they do they
keep it to themselves! And talk to each other about it at night, after
I've gone to sleep, in their bedroom in hushed tones! And then when
morning comes around the next day they do there best to hide their worry and
concern for my chance at a future where I'm not reliant on them!
Also, good for paragraphs. 13th now.
Sometimes I really wish I knew what was going on in R Lee Ermey's head.
Well, I see he died last year, so I guess nothing. But I wonder
what was going through R Lee Ermey's head while he was still alive, post
Full Metal Jacket, and while he was doing all these bit parts, often as sorta-comedic-relief
in Horror movies. I mean, it's not jut me, right? He provides comic
relief, doesn't he? Mostly because a lot of it is parodying his own role
in Full Metal Jacket. Which was presumably based on his real, own
experience in the military. So there's so much going on in his persona and
oeuvre and I just really wonder what was going on in his head with all that
going on. How he conceptualized himself as an actor and what he was
contributing to the medium of film and/or pop-culture.
Also, hey, what else is going on. Now that I think
about it, maybe I'm crazy and there's no comic-relief element to his roles, I
just conjured that out of thin air. I think the support for that idea,
though, is initially it's like Hey what the hell is that guy doing in this
movie? I thought he wasn't even a real actor. Now he's acting... Oh,
it's a joke. They put him in there as a joke. Yeah, he's actually
pretty good, but he's sort of existing outside the reality of the movie, hence
making it a relief to see him as a respite from the rest of the
terror in the movie. A comical relief one might say!
15th paragraph! I went into this entry considering
having a few drinks, and I just started one lat paragraph, and think I'm
probably gonna limit it to jut that one for today! Prove me wrong!
Man oh man have I been chewing a lot of gum lately. I'm talking 20-30
pieces a day, probably. I think nicotine gum is probably a scam.
Just chew regular gum if you wanna quit smoking. Chewing nicotine gum will
provide no greater help than non-nicotine gum, yet it will keep you addicted to
nicotine. Probably. I don't have all the medical numbers and whatnot
but that's my uneducated-completely-based-on-my-own-experience guess.
Five paragraphs to go theoretically. Now it's been
seven hours with the contacts in. Supposed to be five. Figure
I'll finish this entry within another hour, then take 'em out, that shouldn't be
too bad. I've been having the experience where when I put the contacts on
at first, for one or both eyes there's a bit of discomfort for like 5 minutes,
which isn't good, but then after 5 minutes there's no discomfort, which is
good. Will you relay this information to some sort of doctor and have him
e-mail me a response? My e-mail is some sort of combination of letters and
figures which you can maybe guess on your own, maybe not. Either way, if
you can't guess it, maybe this doctor we're considering can, so have him get
back to me either way.
Huh. How about that. I don't know.
The bad news is when I'm writing these entries I'm not walking around in a
circle. I may be able to make that work, but for now, it seems like
walking and chewing gum at the same time-- you know, impossible?
Balderdash-- that's exactly what my life revolves around! I'm
not even joking-- walking while chewing gum is my life. That's why
I'm chewing so much gum, not because of it replacing cigarettes. It's to
make the circle waking more bearable. Chew some flavorful gum while doing
it! Makes it easier! Of course, I often think, hmm, chewing too
much gum. To compensate for this one piece of gum, I'm gonna Circlewalk an
extra One Minute to burn off the calories of that there piece of gum.
It's always a blast in Michael's Life.
That's me! Anyway, 18th paragraph! For some reason I have a 12 pound
weight single-hand dumbbell type thing in my room, I guess as a remnant from
when it was my brother's room, so I do random 10 or 20 lift sets with that here
and there throughout the day. I assume it's 12 pounds. It has
the number 12 on it and seems like about a bowling ball weight, which I'm under
the impression is in the teens of pounds if I remember correctly. So the
point is Michael is a dumbbell and the number 12 is involved for some reason
which we can only speculate can be explained by bowling.
Penultimate paragraph! Been watching a lot of
[Original] Twilight Zone lately. I'm watching them in order, and of the
first 2 dozen or so episodes, about 80% of them have to do with astronauts.
I guess Rod Serling was just really into astronauts and the idea of astronauts
and I wonder what astronauts are like and astronauts so to speak. So the
point is great what else is going on. Hey I wrote this entry in like an
hour and a half. I have noticed writing quicker entries since I've stopped
smoking. Perhaps just because I'm not wasting time putting out the
cigarette ashes and inhaling on them cigarettes and lighting new cigarettes and
whatnot. Lotta saved time there.
Cool! Man, I'm really happy with writing this entry
quickly, because now it opens up all sorts of time to walk in a circle some
more. I love it! Anyway the point is Comedy Class is creeping up and
I'm really excited about it for some reason I don't 100% understand yet
recognize will not be satisfied once class does start and I'll realize my
excitement was misplaced! So I got that to look forward to one would
imagine if it had made better sense grammatically that one could look forward to
something that doesn't make sense! Well, that sums that up. Hey,
Earth Day happened. Coincided with Marijuana Day and Hitler's Birthday.
I guess that sums up Humanity pretty well. Earth, Hitler, and Weed.
2 out of 3 stuff being good ain't bad! I'll see ya later.
Friday, April 19, 2019
I Came Up With This Title on Friday!
Good. I came up with that word-sentence on
Friday, too. As well as this. Alright, that's it. After
italics, we're gonna be in Saturday. Hey it's 4/20! I came up with
that on Friday, too. It's not actually 4/20 yet. Which is a good
thing because now I have several hours to mentally prepare for the reality of it
being 4/20 soon. Anyway. Why am I not just writing an entry now?
I make an interesting point. Hmm, if I do write the entry today,
on Friday, then the whole bit about it actually being Saturday, April 20th, is
wrong. But probably logical enough that you can follow what's going on
without being too confused. So let's just run with that and write
the entry now.
Good. Now, you see the heading says it's Friday,
then the title is I Came Up With This Title on Friday! and you're like
Yep, that would have been my first guess. Good for you. Nothin'
surprising there! Anyway I'm wearing contact lenses now, but really
should take them out in ten or fifteen minutes. Saw the
Not-Quite-Ophthalmologist-But-Higher-Than-An-Optometrist earlier today and he
set me up with some contact lenses. For the first week, I'm supposed to
start only wearing them 2 hours a day, and work my way up to all day after a
week. So I got that going for me. It's a lot of fun because I can
look in the mirror and be all like Hey that's what I look like these days
without glasses. Hey how 'bout that. Not bad!
Anyway. Mueller Report [Redacted Version] came out
yesterday and it was a real thrill to be included in it.
Priebus recalled that McGahn said that the President had asked him to "do crazy
The point is this was the report the studio
wanted to put out and I can't wait to see the extended director's cut!
Not really. Kinda lost interest in this whole deal. Turns out Trump
isn't a Russian asset, he did obstruct justice, and thank God Mueller made us
realize how grateful we should be for Republicans! That's the spin
that's gonna grow out of this report and will end up being Republicans'
narrative post-Trump. Thank God we had these responsible Republicans to
not carry out Trump's worst impulses. Look at all the people around him
who stopped him from breaking the law! Wait a second who wrote this
report again. A Republican! Well, I'm convinced!
Of course it will even extend to the senate and everyone
outside the administration and whatnot. We saved you from Trump.
Now that's some gaslighting to look forward to, friends. Anyway, what else
is going on. Hey, as of an hour and a half ago, a full 3 weeks without a
cigarette! And you all doubted me presumably! It's my base perception that
everyone is always doubting me. That's the default mode for how people
think on me. Well I Kinda Doubt Him To Be Honest, is anyone and
everyone's first reaction to the idea of me. Gotta take out contacts
after this paragraph. Damnit! I love wearin' em. I feel
real cool what with my .5 4 Eyes and short hair and whatnot.
Awlright, I can put 'em on again tomorrow.
I never really got the term 4 eyes.
Glasses just don't really look like extra eyes to me. I don't see a guy
wearing glasses and am like WOAH! I SEE HIS TWO REAL EYES AND THOSE
GLASSES MAKE IT LOOK LIKE HE'S GOT TWO ROWS OF EYES! DOUBLE EYES!
FOUR EYES! Also I never grew up with the term. I jut know it
from TV and whatnot. Anyway, what else is going on, what paragraph are we
in. Fifth! I didn't really want to write an entry today but I
started anyway. I was filled to the brim with confidence what with that
contact lenses, and now they're not in anymore, and I'm back to being Clark Kent
instead of Superman. Pretty sure the entire Superman franchise is just
one prolonged advertisement for contact lenses. Prove me wrong!
They might not have had contact lenses when
Superman burst onto the scene. Mightashoudlawoulda! Get out of
my website! Is there a Four-Eyes Superhero where the plain version of the
guy doesn't wear glasses, and then when he transforms into a super hero,
he suddenly puts glasses on? You'd think such a franchise would exist
to be a prolonged advertisement for glasses. Also, I'm under the
impression that everything that exists is just a prolonged advertisement for
something else. Prove me wrong! Anyway, I don't know. I've
been without a TV for almost a full week, and I love it! It seems like
consuming niche podcasts instead of TV would be more rewarding, right? I
can listen to stuff that's actually thought provoking, more in tune with my
tastes and opinions, and more relevant to my life.
Uh-oh, I figured it out. Now TV People are gonna
be upset with my new realization and sharing it with people and whatnot.
Oh well, what can you do. GIF of Chris Tucker with the text Not a
Damn Thing! Talk about a Good Friday! Anyway, what else is
going on. Poker has been optimal. Last few days just been playing at
the lowest stakes just to keep myself busy while walking in a circle and
whatnot. Lost the drive to really gamble. Just satisfied with
wading in the water around my current bankroll and just using it as an idle
distraction. Cool! What paragraph is the next paragraph.
Eighth? Yeah! It will be! I was right! Anyway, let's get
Hi! Started reading the Guided By Voices book.
I don't wanna sound like a jerk but Robert Pollard sounds like kind of an
asshole. That's my takeaway from life. I still wanna get a
new TV, but just watch it more responsibly. I can watch the Met games and
whatnot. Not much gaslighting there. Other than to get me to
support The Mets: The Baseball Team. But I'm already there. Been
gaslighted as such since 1999, 2000. I'm pot committed to supporting The
Mets: The Baseball Team at this point. Also, I'm overusing the term
gaslight. What I really mean is I don't wanna fall into a narrative of
life that just revolves around TV.
Watching, lets say, The Colbert Late Night Show, they're not
aggressively trying to get me to participate in TV Daily And Weekly Schedule and
follow their narrative of the news and entertainment. They're probably
just passively doing it. But either way, if I watch it four times a
week, that becomes how I think about things, the kind of entertainment I
consume, and the cultural wavelength that I'm constantly on. And there are
worse cultural wavelengths to be on than one hosted by Stephen Colbert, but
still, there's gotta be healthier and more productive ways to go about living
one's life. That's my current opinion and whatnot. You do realize
in two weeks I'm gonna be back to watching TV 10 hours a day, right? This
is just a passing flight of fancy imagining not watching TV all the time.
But in the mean time, yeah! Great! I'll walk
in a circle to some podcasts hosted by Aimee Mann/Ted Leo! What do you
mean there are only eight episodes and I've listened to seven? No!
This podcast will last me the rest of my life listening to it 4 hours a day!
FOREVER! FOREVER! ME TED AND AIMEE FOREVER.
I don't know, something along those lines, right? It's not really Me
Ted And Aimee. It's Ted Aimee And Guest With Me Watching [Listening].
I'm not really part of the equation in the actual content of the thing, but I am
part of it in my personal interpretation and consumption of the content.
Cause I'm Me. I feel like that makes a bit more sense, right?
Presumably about halfway through the entry. I got
that going for me and whatnot. Presumably there's dozens and dozens of
other podcasts I may like even more than this current podcast I've been
listening to, so Podcast Consumption as a primary means of spending my idle time
is probably sustainable. Really, it probably is! So, anyway,
I got that going for me and whatnot. Also, there's probably an element to
this that's I'm Angry At TV For Not Giving Me A Writing Job! So, Fuck
Off TV! I Don't Want You Either! I think interpreting things
kind of that way is pretty appropriate as well.
Anyway. Just saw Elizabeth Warren called on the
house to start impeachment proceedings and Nancy Pelosi was like Nah we're
not gonna do that. You'd think we'd live in a world where The
Republicans would be the ones protecting Trump from impeachment, and not
Nancy Pelosi and House Democratic Leadership, but oh well such is life
welcome to the real world. Next paragraph is #13. We're 50 minutes
away from ordering dinner and presumably an hour and 45 minutes away from
consuming dinner. And I'm using the royal we. Something
about Prince Harry playing video games with the Royal Wii. I may be
about over-a-decade too late to make that pun, the Wii may not be a thing
anymore. Who knows! Not me! I'm busy knowing other things!
Cool. I Do Crazy Sheet all the time even without
Donald Trump asking me too! In fact, if he did ask me to, I
probably wouldn't do it! So maybe he's using some good ol' reverse
psychology on me by not asking, I don't know, but I've given myself a lot
to think about in this one rambling. Can't wait to put them contact
lenses on again. Today I put 'em on for 2 hours in the afternoon.
Tomorrow, the time they're on gets bumped up to three hours, and I think I'm
gonna go with putting them on in the morning. Feels like one way to go
about things in life, right? I guess. Anyway. Hah 4/20.
That's Hitler's birthday. I remembered that piece of trivia and then I
just googled it and it turned out to be correct.
Googling, "Hitler's Birthday," felt weird.
For the first millisecond, it felt weird because what am I, pro-Hitler,
researching his birthday like I wanna celebrate it? And then that
quickly morphed into 'Hitler's Birthday' is just a weird phrase, like it
could be a band name or something. Or maybe some kind of The
Producers song. I don't know, it just feels like there's something to
Hitler's Birthday that I'm not quite grasping but there's definitely
something there. Kind of a juxtaposition of the possibly evilest person of
the last 100 years and hey it's his birthday! Bring out his two dozen
closest friends! Start singing that copyrighted song that I can't legally
go into without paying them royalties! Have Hitler blow out his candles!
Now we're getting somewhere. What else is going on.
I think I know what Hitler wished for. But if I say it, it won't
come true. Probably should say it, then. It was for No More
Jews. Eh what can ya do. I said it, thus negating it, that's
my small contribution to the world I guess. 15th paragraph! Now
we're gettin' somewhere. My favorite way to read books is to take the
glossy jackets off them when I read them. I can't stand them glossy book
jackets! I like the good ol' fashioned brick-and-mortar feel of a book
with no jacket! I'll put it back on when I'm done reading the book and
return it to some sort of shelf or bookcase, fine! But while I'm using it,
no jacket, no way! Sure I know what, "Brick-and-Mortar," means!
It means something close enough to what I want to convey without it being
actually appropriate to use!
Alright! Jeez. 75% done with entry, will
almost definitely be finished before eating dinner, then I get to make up some
lost walking-in-circle time tonight. Wonderful. I was just thinking
about the term Judeo-Christian, how right wing people use it all the time in the
sense that it describes our alliance to Israel and whatnot, and you know what?
It's kind of really insulting. We Christians have usurped
Judaism. Now you're just an alliance-offshoot of Christianity we currently
choose to tolerate! We're a team! I may not be conveying
exactly how I find it insulting perfectly, but lemme think on it for a while,
cause there's something there. There's some sort of sense of it being
condescending, I don't know.
Then again, who cares, religion is stupid, anything
religion-adjacent is stupid, even just talking about religion is
stupid. In fact, now that I think about it, everything is stupid.
There is not a single thing in our multiverse that isn't, in a sense, really
stupid. So we got that going for us is the point. 17th
paragraph! Anyway. Pretty sure I haven't gone this long without
smoking a cigarette since I started smoking cigarettes in Fall 2009. The
longest stretches were when I was hospitalized, the last time of which was in
Spring 2012, and I'm pretty sure that was only a week or two, not three weeks.
So the point is I'm Great And Now My Life Is Different For The Better One Would
Then again, who cares, my life is stupid, anything my
life-adjacent is stupid, and even just talking about my life is stupid.
What else is going on. The point apparently is My Life is My Religion.
Kinda makes sense now that I think about it. My life does sort of
revolve around My Life to perhaps an unhealthy degree. Anyway, jeez, what
else is going on. I got two and a half paragraphs to go to finish this
crap. Pretty comfortable with the weight my body is at now, but will
continue to lose a few more pounds just to put the icing on the cake and so I
will then feel free to eat up all that icing on that there cake because I put in
the extra effort to lose them last extra few pounds. Circular logic makes
sense to me!
That barely qualifies as circular, and doesn't even come
close to qualifying as logic. Oh well what can ya do. Not
much! That's Nancy Pelosi's stance on impeaching Trump. Wait
a second, you can try to impeach him. Like I said
what can ya do. Do it. I know that's what I'm saying
we can't do anything. He's committed an incalculable number
of impeachable offenses that we already know about, there's considerable public
support for it, and every second further that he's our president without at the
very least being challenged is a dangerous and unacceptable embarrassment.
But what can I do. Anyway, jeez, one more paragraphs.
That's right. Paragraphs. What are ya gonna do about
it? Write a letter to the internet? I'd like to see you try.
Well this was an entry. I guess. 20th paragraph
is the point. Just ordered dinner. Everything timed perfectly.
Such is life. I guess that's Pelosi's takeaway from Trump. I
agree He's A Dangerous Embarrassment, sure... but not Unacceptable! I
guess that's the difference. Anyway, this entry sure was fun, I totally
wrote it and whatnot. Get to start wearing contacts all day a week from
today. I can't wait! Except for how I Can Wait. If I couldn't
wait, I'd be in some trouble, because the Not-Quite-A-Doctor explicitly told me
to wait, and if I disobey him, then where would I be. Some sort of
inescapable moral quandary which I brought upon myself. I'll see ya later.
Tuesday, April 16, 2019
Fool, I'm All About Mornings
That's why I'm always crashing people's
funerals and wakes. I get some sort of satisfaction there that I can't get
anywhere else. You know, like how Tyler Durden likes support groups?
What's another analogy to help you understand. You know, like how Tyler
Durden likes fight clubs? Still not getting it, are you? What's
another example I can think of. You know, like how Tyler Durden likes
Marla Singer? What I've learned from this paragraph is that, for all
his emo-ness, Tyler Durden actually gets a lot out of life and has a lot going
for him if only he'd take stock in all the things that give him joy.
Anyway, morning entry. Early morning! Gotta mix
it up. Wrote last night's entry with the aid of 3 or so drinks, fell
asleep an hour after finishing, woke up three hours after that, and have been up
since. I'm not tired or drunk or hung over or anything really. I'm
just up a little bit too early and have settled on Doing This as the appropriate
course of action for now. So that's what I got going on. I was
scribbling some bit about Jesus Was A Foodie while trying to fall back asleep
earlier. Something about how we all remember The Last Supper, but, c'mon,
there was The Last Lots Of Stuff that I guess no one really cares about.
But Jesus loved them carbs so his lasting memory of his time on Earth'll be that
I know it's a real phenomenon that when we give death row
inmates their last meal, which they can pick whatever they want, as is the
custom, 90% of the time it all just gets thrown out because they can't eat.
Presumably because they're scared of dying or something? I don't have all
the details. I wonder if that applied to Jesus. I'm under the
impression he knew he was being betrayed or something and that his death was
imminent. So during The Last Supper was Jesus like, I'm not really
hungry. I wouldn't be able to keep anything down. Or did he go
to town, Shit, this is my last supper on Earth, I'm going out with a bang!
PASS THE BUTTER.
One mediocre one-off joke I came up with for potential
use during 2 minute introduction of myself in Comedy Class deals with my Joke
Notebook. I've been writing down thoughts in the notebook and presumably
will read from it, at least to start. It's kind of a security blanket.
As long as I'm reading the joke in the book, I'm not reading the room, and as
long as I'm not reading the room, I'll be happily oblivious to everyone else's
indifference-bordering-on-disdain towards me. But anyway, I had a bit
where it's like, Why is this allowed in comedy and nowhere else? You
wouldn't want a Doctor carrying around a textbook when he's about to do surgery
on you, going, "I totally got this, it's in chapter 16... ah, perfect, I have a
lot of it highlighted, that's convenient... You know, something along
Anyway, what paragraph are we into. Fourth is my best
guess. Fifth. That woulda been my best guess had I guessed it.
But oh well what can ya do that's in the past now it's time to move on with our
lives. I find it really weird how all of us living organisms sleep so
much. I mean, as human beings, we all got a very finite amount of time on
this planet. Who decided we have to spend ONE FREAKING THIRD OF IT
immobile and unconscious. If you live 75 years-- congratulations, you
spent 25 of those years just lying down unconscious. Seems like kind of a
waste. Who Intelligently Designed That nonsense? No one, that's who!
Hey it's a new paragraph. Also, I'm gonna continue on
this rant, but I want to make it clear-- I am 100% sure there are good
biological and physiological explanations for what I'm talking about.
But I DON'T KNOW THEM and IT PISSES ME OFF. Oh, your body needs
to recharge. Just do it while you're awake in the background!
That's like saying I can't re-charge my phone unless the powers off.
Wrong! I can re-charge it while it's on and I can send and receive
calls all the while it's re-charging. All I want is that our bodies
be designed like apple products, I don't think that's asking to much.
Seventh paragraph. Figure I'll eat breakfast somewhere
between being 50% done with entry and being 100% done. Can't get any more
specific than that without endangering me and my family! Anyway. I'm
thinking about issuing a redacted version of a report of my little league
statistics in baseball from the time I was eight through the time I was 12.
The only at bat un-redacted was that time I made contact and almost hit it out
of the infield but the short stop jumped up and made a pretty good catch.
It also has reference to the time the coach put me in at second base for an
inning out of pity and I successfully got in front of a ground ball, bobbled it
a bit, allowed the runner to reach first base, but didn't let the ball go
into the outfield.
In other words, No Collusion, No Obstruction. I
don't see how you can interpret my little league experience as anything other
than a huge win for the Trump campaign. Wait a second. It just
occurred to me. Did Trump... Did Trump really name his kid,
"Barron?" Why would he do such a thing? Was it a practical joke?
Did he figure shitty names build character? Did he think his kid would
somehow like having the name Barron? And the other kids would
respect a kid with that name? What the Hell is going on there and how come
the media has thus far not been asking any of these questions?
I was a complete failure at little league baseball, but the
recurring way that failure manifested itself, outside of obviously my at-bats
that almost always only ended in (usually) strike outs or (occassionaly)
walks, was my lack of ability to throw the ball from the outfield to the
infield. Obviously they're playing me in the outfield cause I suck.
And at those ages, you might have to field one, maybe two balls in right field
throughout a six inning game. And, invariably, I would get in front of the
ball, pick it up, throw it as hard as I can... and it gets maybe halfway
to where the cut-off man is. I just couldn't throw it any harder or
further. I needed a cut-off man for the cut-off man.
Sure, I guess. What else is going on. 10th
paragraph! I figure writing here in the morning is good practice in case I
ever get a job where you have to write presumably in the morning sometimes cause
that's usually when the working day starts these days. I'm gonna split
this entry into two parts for completely aesthetic reasons. I am not
taking any break after this paragraph. I just feel like going you know
what, these first 10 paragraphs, that was phase one. I'm gonna go right
into phase two now, but let's make it official. The only way I know how.
AN EXTRA LINE OR TWO OF SPACE.
Hey how about that.
One's gotta wonder if that'll play in the long run or something. But,
wondering-- that's phase one entry crap. We're in the shit of it now!
No wondering allowed during phase two! So great sure. I got iced
coffee about an hour ago and I drank it entirely by the time I got home.
So now, an hour later, I'm home brewing my own hot coffee. I feel like I
should win some sort of participation trophy or medal as such. Apparently
there's a picture of a black hole and it's driving people crazy and it's an
amazing moment in science and I'm not buying it. C'mon,
black hole? You can't see that. What kind of rube do you take me
for. Now, if you had told me you're not gonna believe this, we got a
radio signal from inside the black hole for the first time ever AND
IT'S A HUMANOID VOICE SPEAKING ENGLISH
AND ITS SAYING
"No Collusion, No Obstruction."
Now that'd I'd buy.
Lots of different ways to interpret that paragraph.
It's like a mini 2001: A Space Odyssey. My first instinct was to interpret
it as ah, the black hole has something to say about our current events!
And then the second way I interpreted it was wait a sec so it turns out The
Black Hole Is Trump. Trump is a black hole. But that's
just me-- your guesses are as good as mine! If we can see the black
hole... does that mean the black hole can see us? I'm scared.
Hold me tight. Anyway, I guess we're getting deep into phase two of the
entry. Relatively speaking, at least, ya know, stuff like that.
13th paragraph. Eight paragraphs to go if I were
gunning for 20 overall. Sweet. Hey I just lost money on poker.
That's the opposite of what I was going for! Ain't life strange that
way. You want one thing to happen and then the opposite thing happens but
in the end you're up in the morning doing God's Work writing blogs and it's all
worth it in the end I feel that's my hot take on things. Hey good
for him he flops a straight. I couldn't do that no matter how hard I try!
He earned that pot, good for him. BARON, GET IN HERE. WHERE'S BARON.
BARON WHY DID MY OPPONENT FLOP A STRAIGHT? BE HONEST WERE YOU IMPLICATED
IN THIS SCAM?
I get that Barron Trump has an extra, R. I may choose
to ignore this fact on a case by case basis. Cool. I've got an
interesting choice regarding today's breakfast. I got a croissant from
Dunkin Donuts-- that's choice #1. I've also got half an order of Ham Steak
and Eggs which manifests itself as half a ham steak (roughly, I dunno, 3, 3.5
oz of ham), half an order of egg whites (presumably .5 a portion of egg whites
from 2 large eggs) a piece of rye bread, and there's also back-up home fries
which probably would be skipped completely if this is the breakfast I choose.
I'm at a complete loss. How the hell does anyone ever decide anything?
15th paragraph. I decided to eat the breakfast that
just feels more like a real breakfast to me. You know-- the complicated
one. If it's complicated, that must mean there's somethin' to it!
That's my theory. Anyway. Whattado with the rest of my day.
Lots of circlejerkinnN---i mean walking. Circle walking. That's
right, that's all it is. Some make a list for papa to get me
items from super market! Probably get more iced coffee later today
from Dunkin Donuts. Starbucks has already seen my face today. And
order Chipotle for dinner. Life life life. Such is life. So
much life. Life life life.
Five paragraphs to go! I can't believe it.
Normally I wake up right around now. 8:21 AM. I think if I remember
correctly I usually have my alarm set for 8:15 or so on standard. Coool!
I I'm not gonna eat no hash brown home fries nonsense with my ham steak.
I don't need it! I got enough breakfast as it is Thank You Very Much.
Anyway what else is going on in the wide world of sports. I was no
good at little league baseball as a pre-teen, but when I did baseball for one
semester at Stuyvesant, I was one of the better players. I always played
as catcher because I liked being involved. And the gym teacher referred to
me as The Captain I guess because either he saw some latent leadership
qualities in me or he deduced that calling me The Captain would inspire me to do
better in life thanks to him believing in me and guess what It All Worked.
Anyway, 17th paragraph. You know what that means.
Pretty self explanatory. Coool. Figure I'll be eating
breakfast ~same time this entry ends. Then we're in for some serious
circle walkin'. I may be down 22 dollars since last night in poker but
at least I have more paragraphs written. Gotta take the good with the
bad, right Barron? Hmm. I don't know what Barron Von Trump
looks like but is it safe to assume he's pretty much got an AJ Soprano vibe
going on? Before AJ Soprano lost weight and grew a goatee and whatnot?
Like, a very young AJ Soprano. That'd be my educated guess.
What else. Gotta take food out of the oven in about 10
minutes. Foods not gonna take itself out of the oven! If it did, OH
SHIT SOMETHING WENT WRONG. SORRY FOR PUTTING YOU IN THE OVEN FOOD WHEN YOU
ARE NOW CLEARLY ANIMATED WITH LIFE. So I'll do that after I'm done with
this paragraph. I've been awake for six hours after only sleeping for
three or four hours but it doesn't feel like it. Just feels like any other
day except instead of not having an entry written before 9:00 AM I do
have an entry written before 9:00 AM. And you all doubted me! Hah,
great. Two paragraphs to go which will be written while I am consuming
Oh man I made the right choice with breakfast. I
got like a nice little open faced sandwich thing going on with the egg whites
and the toasted rye bread. I had been eating the ham steak separate but
you know what I could add that to the open face sandwich situation and really
triple up on flavors. It's just fun at this breakfast I
devised. Anyway. Now the question is what to do with that dumb
croissant. Either have it for breakfast tomorrow or maybe split it
into 2 afternoon snackenings which would pair well with some coffee. Well
I'm done eating. Now all that's left to do is write one more paragraph.
Jeez. Gotta figure out life more than I thought I had.
It can't all be entry is progress because its not. Entries
are entries, that's all. Progress is progress. And I don't know how
to get to the first progress to achieve ultimate progress. It's tough!
Sometimes you just have to put your faith in the universe and right now all the
universe seems to be telling us is Hey Ya'll Wanna Check Out a Black Hole?
Also a lady figured it out #JustSayin'. Hmm can I start trending a
hashtag of #JustSayin'? What sort of paperwork do I have to file to start
a hashtag. Whatever, e-mail me all the forms, I'll get to it eventually.
I'll see ya later.
Monday, April 15, 2019
Happy New Week
Now That's What I Call Crazysheet!, Volume: Whatever. It's a real choose
your own adventure day when it comes to titles! Well, not really.
It's abundantly clear which one is the real title and which one is the
afterthought. I wish it didn't end up this way for the Alt Title but such
is the world we live in Whatever. I'd like to do a survey of White
Supremecasts, polling them, asking: For What Word Is the, "Alt," in,
"Alt Right," short for? I'm guessing the answers would be as funny as
they would be varied. Who am I to talk, I don't know what word it's
supposed to be. Alterior, that's my best guess. They have Alterior
Oh, alternative. I just got that!
Turns out I'm a brilliant! Also, the misspelling I swear I did
unintentionally last paragraph, "White Supremecasts," sounds like a real
fun podcast idea. That's my theory. I would find it funny if there
was a White SupremeCast and then they weren't getting very good Internet Ratings
and then Jews replaced them with latinx podcasters. I think they'd be okay
with that, because even though they no longer have a podcast, at least their
world view would be validated in the process. And that's all any alt right
person can ask for, right?
Alt Right, just like Alt Rock. Alt means alternative.
Now I get it! Also, it was a real thrill to be able to use the word
latinx in the last paragraph. First time, long time for me.
First time user, long time fan of the word. Yup! Isn't Alt Right
Left? What's the alternative to right. Left. Or, if
we're being generous with the possibilities, maybe center. Or I
guess backwards. There we go! That's what Alt Right means!
Backwards! Crack'd That Code. It makes Double Sense because
Trump's slogan was and is Let's Go Backwards Or Something. I Forget The
Exact Words But You Guys Remember You Get The Idea.
Oh Hey I've been living super healthy lately. Still
no cigarettes, going on 17 days now. Cleaned up my room pretty much 100%,
which involved disconnecting my TV and whatnot. To un-dust the surfaces,
ya know, had to get rid of it. So I've been living outside of TVLand
(Concept With No Affiliation To The TV Channel TVland; Just My Way Of Referring
To TV In General) for a good two or three days? That's All It's Been?!?
I feel like I've been on a desert island for months and it's really been 48
hours without a TV. Amazing. Man oh man would I like to be on a
Dessert Island. Mmmm Tastes good just thinking about it!
Huh. Tried to start getting back
into working on music, but it didn't go very well. Earlier today, wrote 2
out of 3 verses for a song which I had recorded the music for a few weeks ago,
and it was kind of fun and the lyrics are okay and it all makes a fair amount of
sense, but it's just not who I am anymore. I'm all about comedy nonsense!
Not music nonsense! I feel very strongly about this. No I
don't. I feel very strongly about not a lot. What paragraph am I
into. Fifth! Get a load of that crap! Working out some
jokenings and bitsywitsies for Comedy Class/Post-Comedy Class Doing Comedy.
Just gettin' some ideas down on paper and whatnot, ya'll know how we do.
Huh? I'm pretending like I'm a real comedian by writing mediocre
jokes down in a pocket notebook. There. Now does it make sense to
It does but I wish it didn't. I feel too much
pity for me/you now depending on whether this is me talking to me or
supposed to be some sort of you talking to me or maybe somehow it's me
talking to you I don't know how that happened I got behind
enemy lines or something but either way Hey what else is going on.
Doin' a little bit of drinking tonight. Because it's fun! I
can't wait for Comedy Class so I can try to sneak in the term, "Bitsy-Wittsies,"
into conversation and see if it catches on! It's good to have goals in
life. The most exciting part of my new and improved room is I have pretty
much unlimited surfaces to write Crazysheet on. My laptop, well, sure, its
always on the laptop. But it could be on my desk-thing by the window
(where it had been for the last 7 or 8 years consistently), it could be at my
old computer desk back when I had a desktop computer (where it is
now! amazing! things are really mix-em-upped!), it could be on the
surface where my TV used to be (maybe I'll try this for a future entry! too 'out
there' for now though! But one day I'll work up the courage to give it a
shot!) and there are even other completely available surfaces like my night
table and man it's a real embarrassment of riches in terms of clear surfaces I
have immediate access to.
Embarrassment of riches? That's great! I'm used
to just the first part! Is the word embarrass actually somehow
connected to the phrase bare ass because presumably we'd be
embarrassed with our bare ass being exposed? My guess is no
but still really makes ya think. You can't spell,
"Embarrassment," without, "Me." There's No, "I," in, "Whatever can I move
on to the next topic? Oh wait there's a few "I's" there."
Anyway, I don't know. Doin' pretty good in poker as well. Working my
way back up to a more and more significant number. Right? Sure.
Lots of walking in a circle and I can tell I'm finally making some of that last
progress needed to reach goal weight. Just gotta keep doin' what I'm doin'
for three weeks, then comedy class starts, and then I'll re-evaluate life.
But for now, the plan for the next three weeks is ya know this kinda stuff.
Lots of walking in circle, read some books, jokes would be a good thing to
write, poker, you get the idea.
Now what paragraph are we at? I bet it's eight or
nine!!!!!! Eighth. Thank God. If it was only the seventh, I
would be unable to live with my shame. I went out on a limb and said
eighth or ninth and then to find out publicly it was only the seventh would
be a traumatic experience to the extent that I'd probably give some serious
thought to suicide. It's the first resolution that jumps out at me were I
to find out this was only the seventh paragraph. Anyway what else is going
on. Oh Hey I saw Little. It was pretty good! At first I
had mixed feelings about going alone to a movie where the main character is
either a pre-teen or a barely-teen, but I summoned all my courage and did
and it turns out it was just a regular movie and no one there thought I was a
creep because it's mainly for adults anyway! It's PG-13 you dolts!
And the kid was really good in it! It made me think
back of me fantasizing about writing a movie or whatever about myself back in
high school and it was like well this kid actually did it. And knew
what she was doing presumably. Good for her is the point. Most
of my fantasizing about MY Movie when I was in high school was
Ben Folds Five song playing at the climax. That's about as far as I
would get. But still, it's a healthy way to process your environment and
surroundings and situations when you're a young adult. Just imagine you're
in a movie about/made by/created for you. Great way of puttin' shit
together in a delusional yet ultimately healthy way! I can't recommend
fantasizing your life is a movie enough!
I'm not joking! Especially for young people, it's the
way to go! Anyway, what else is going on. 10th paragraph.
Figure 15 is most likely at this point, with 20 as the 2nd most likely, and
anything between 15th and 20th in third, and anything less then 15th and/or more
than 20th is last. Huh. Jeez. It's kinda cool writing
Crazysheet here at my Old Desktop Computer Desk, because this is where I wrote
the original crazysheet.com! 2004-2006, this is where the magic
happened. So it's kind of a cool thing to do for me. I'm
literally 1 foot away from where I usually write. YEAH BUT
PERPENDICULAR. YOU PER-PEN-DICK! I'm fine with that.
Anyway. Organized all my DVDS. Which involved
both the easier process of re-alphabetizing them and the harder process of
matching loose DVDs to empty cases. Turns out, of my ~180 DVDs, I've got
about a dozen where the DVDs are still completely missing. That's not so
bad! I would have expected a lot worse than it ending up like that.
Also, some people these days might be like Lol DVDs what a scam you can watch
it all on Services now these days. Well, I say to you, Now Whose
Bein' Scammmed?! Some of these DVDs they don't have on any services! So
I'm the only person in the world who can watch these movies and you my
friend just got scamm'd. Also--director's commentary. Have
you ever wondered if the making of a film can be as captivating as the film
itself?! You have?! Well-- Prepare to be disappointed, but
still have an hour and a half of your time killed!
I really don't get how the Columbia Record House deal
is synonymous with Scam, because for me, it paid for itself many times over.
I had their equivalent for DVDs back in the mid 2000's, and really, it saved me
a shit ton of money getting DVDs I truly wanted. The first dozen you get
for a penny, everyone knows that part. And for the rest, Oh No! I
have to pay FIVE DOLLARS for a DVD of a movie I like and would be happy to add
to my collection! HOW TERRIBLE! NOT! IT WAS A GREAT
DEAL AND I DON'T REGRET IT FOR A MOMENT! THANK YOU COLUMBIA FOR ALL YOUR
DVDS. AND TO EVERYONE ELSE-- CONSIDER WHOSE REALLY GETTING SCAMMED!!! THE
GUY PAYING FIVE DOLLARS FOR 100 DVDS OF MOVIES HE LIKED OKAY WELL ENOUGH OR THE
FOOL MAKING HIM FEEL FOOLISH WHEN THEY IN FACT ARE THE FOOLS?
Hi it's a new paragraph. The thirteenth!
Wonderful. Anyway, 17 days without a cigarette, and each day the idea of
smoking seems more and more foreign to me, so I think I'm getting to a point
where I'm most likely successful with the no more smoking and whatnot.
Awesome! I did it! Let's give me a hand. Hey now that I'm
not smoking constantly I have more constant use of one of my hands.
Quitting smoking gave me a hand! Now I've got 2 like the rest of you
Normos! Alright! Just hit some sort of wall for writing this
entry. I think the word Normos threw me off. I wrote that and
then 10 minutes of blankness ensued. The point is I blame you even if its
not really your fault, it's still kind of your fault indirectly. Thanks
a lot you jerks.
Hi again. Wow. Eatin' dessert tonight.
A real dessert! Now that I'm burning MAGA calories walking in circles I
get to eat a slightly larger dessert each day than previous! Gives me
something to look forward to even if I don't need it at the time! I can
handle having 200 calorie dessert (say, a Pop Tart) instead of a 300
calorie one (say, a donut). In the moment, doesn't make a huge difference.
But throughout the entire day, whatta difference! Knowing during the day
I'm gonna have a donut later tonight instead of a pop tart makes me feel a lot
better overall throughout the day. It's called being responsible you
15th paragraph. Going for 20 seems about right I guess.
More than, "About right." Exactly Right! No question about it!
19 isn't right. 21 ain't right! 20 is Ri-- wait 21 might be
right, I do like them bonus paragraphs... I've given myself a lot to
think about. The point is when this is over I take a bath or shower or
something then get comfortable sleep comes soon after that it's all good.
I finished my donut. Is life even worth living anymore? Sure
it is-- I get a tootsie pop when I lie down for sleep! Alright life
is worth living again! I'm honestly pretty excited about Comedy Class
starting. I'm not gonna be the top dawg right out of the gate, but I feel
like it's a good start for something that I may eventually be pretty good at.
And for the first time since graduating Queens College in December of 2017, I'm
back on a track that seems somewhat productive and hopefully professionally so.
What about all those music open mics I did.
Yeah, that was fun and productive too, but it always was associated with the
past for me. All the songs I did were from when I was 18 or 19 years old.
Sure I still fantasized about a future in music while I was doing them open mics,
but none of it was new to me. It was more like maybe hopefully
this old stuff that I never had the balls/opportunities to perform in
public before turns out to be a good enough for a basis for a career in music.
Whereas, for Comedy Class, its more like, maybe I can put together the skills
to create new stuff that's potentially the start of something
good. In the meantime, though, WTF I WANT ANOTHER DONUT.
Four paragraphs to go. Maybe I'll take a bath or
something now. Just to mix things up. Then come back here
afterwards. I'll be back soon! Hey I did that.
It was weird. I just spent 20 or 30 minutes without talking to you!
How do I even know it existed. There's no record of my thought process for
that half an hour. It was mostly hey I'm taking a bath. Talked
about that on website. Hmm tomorrow I'll be losing more calories than
today cause no alcohol consumption presumably. Then we're back on track.
Even though today I estimate I'm operating at about a surplus/deficit (depending
on how you look at it) of about 900 calories. Burning 900 or so calories
more than consuming. That means, today alone, I just lost a quarter
pounder. In Mcdonald's' terms. Yeah I thought all of that and
this while in the bath. Right now I'm in the bath.
Something along those lines, anyway. So now
what paragraph are we into. 18th! I can't believe it.
Someone try really hard to convince me! I Can't Believe It!
Now it's time for you to step up! Anyway. Need to buy some new
gum tomorrow. Wintergreen is my favorite. :-). Are kids these days
even familiar with the concept of creating a smiley face out of existing
typography characters? Such as, ":-)?" Or would they be like You
have to use regular font characters? That's like a baby's game!
Anyway this entry was sure a Hey It Exists What More Do You Want I'm Not Gonna
Give Letter Grades Anymore They're Not Productive And They Just Make Entries
Self Conscious. Sometimes (Often) I fantasize about what my rankings would
be if I had my choice of Any Writing Job I Want. Like, how I would rank
different shows. It's fun to think about but not to share! I
don't wanna alienate any shows that would be at the bottom of my list but may
potentially be reading this entry!
So that's a blast. Jeez. The list
rankings are pretty much (1) anyone who will give me money/some sort of title
that I can show to my family and friends that this was all worth it
ultimately/but mostly just money I can live on to support myself in life and
then (2) fine any show that'll make me write for them for free I don't care
and I get no prestige from it no one will ever know either but at least I'm part
of the team! #1 is pretty ideal but in a pinch I'll settle for #2.
And then of course there's (3) a TV show that goes out of its way to mock me and
make me feel bad and tells me explicitly to take my own life. Again, not
ideal, but in a pinch, I can live with that.
Last paragraph. What in the world. It's 9:43 PM
right now. I started this entry around 7:20, 7:30. Took a bath
around 40 minutes ago or something. Who can remember. This has been
our new recurring segment Time Talk, where we Talk About Time.
Anyway. One thing I've been thinking about is I should write and record a
new song with the mandolin. But on the other hand eh I don't wanna have
to do things. Where's the fun in that? Just let Things Happen To
Me. Don't go out of your way to do stuff. Stuff'll just happen to
you if you play your cards right! The point is I'm done with the entry.
See you later, friends.
Friday, April 12, 2019
Too Much of a Bad Thing
I wouldn't say
bad thing. Just unnecessary! Wait what thing are we
talking about. Use your intuition powers you dolt-- this thing!
Anyway, I'm 100% done with poker but only on the condition of buying that new
Super Nintendo System with 20 games I know and love and play those games for the
rest of my life. Kind of makes playing poker obsolete, right? And
comedy class is in three and a half weeks. So my thinking now is, I can
do comedy class, play a bunch of Super Nintendo, and that'll be my life for the
next period of my life. Eating healthy, not smoking, getting exercise,
wading into the stand up comedy waters, and playing Super Nintendo in my
abundant time off. Also, maybe even tricking myself into doing good new
Seems like a good way to go with things, right?
It's the Super Nintendo that really holds it all together. Before Super
Nintendo, that life wouldn't make sense. I could never have even conceived
it properly. But once you add Super Nintendo into the mix I go okay I
get it now I see what I'm going for with that life. Like Swingers,
right? NO NOTHING LIKE SWINGERS... SWINGERS HAD FRIENDS.
Anyway. I think the corporate catchphrase for BitCoin should be We're
So Money And You Don't Even Know It. One would imagine that'll
encourage some investment in their scam-nonsense-bullshit probably.
Bitcoin! It's a scam! Now back to me talking about boring
nonsense to take up your time and convince you to hire me as some sort of
Can a personal blog be a scam? Well, on my
end, I feel taken advantage of. I was under the impression I would
accumulate an audience if only I spent 7 years writing months and months and
months of titles! And that never panned out! And you
were tricked into wasting your time! And, also, apparently having your
own existence questioned. I just said you don't exist! You don't
need to put up with that! This has been no good for anybody! Well
lets go home now. Hey I'm already there. That was weird.
But what else is going on. I like Beto O' Rourke's campaign strategy of
I'm gonna make news by providing a sound bite of me saying something that no
reasonable peson really questions at all but it will be designed to make people
think I'm really going out on a limb speaking the truth and that
hey this paragraph is long enough. See you in Hell!
What else is going on. I also like
Elizabeth Warren's campaign strategy of introducing logical and reasonable
policy proposals that make sense ethically, economically, and so on.
What? I'm allowed to say I like something and I really do like it!
No sarcasm there! Warren is the GILTVF. Grandmama I'd like to vote
for. The one thing that really pisses me off, across many different
candidates, is how the weaponize the language we use for family.
Auntie. Mama. I don't use either of those
specific words, and you know what that means! They don't either! ITS
A SCAM! Trying to endear themselves to us by using slang terms for
family members. The funny part is that's my real visceral reaction
whenever I hear Warren talk about her Mama or whatever. But now with
some perspective I can admit that it's just my brain being stupid.
Also, Warren isn't a Grandma I'd like to vote for.
She's younger than my parents. I think that legally makes her my sister.
Or, as she might say, my Sissy Spacek. k. k. k.
I KEEP DOING SPACE THEN K AND NO ONE SEEMS TO KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
Hah have fun trying to figure that one out!! I pity you, the
audience, trying to figure that one out. But lets say you're great at
riddles and figured it out and are now onto the next sentence. Then I say,
good on ya, and lets continue with the rest of the entry. Gonna refill my
coffee mug after this paragraph. With more coffee. Cause I finished
the original amount of coffee that was in it. Now its in my belly.
I thought it was important to make that clear.
Sixth paragraph. This is the new and improved
Crazysheet-- more quantity, less quality! Gotta trade somethin'
off! Writing bad entries is like going on tilt in poker. You
just gotta keep going because you need to erase the loss of the last time, but
it keeps getting worse and worse and before you know it you have seven years
worth of Hah Swingers and pretty soon you realize you're 50 years old and
living with your parents' corpses propped up at the kitchen table and you're
ordering dinner for three in falsetto. Hah. Vince Vaughn was in
Swingers and Psycho. Makes me laugh!
I can only imagine the pitch for the 1998 Psycho went
like this-- Producer: I want to make a shot for shot remake of Psycho.
Nothing is different. We just do it again. Studio Head:
You must be crazy. Producer: EXACTLY! Studio
Head: Brilliant! Here's 40 million dollars! What
else is going on. I was happy to find out [Spoiler Coming] that they had a
cover of The Ramones' Pet Semetary during the credits of the new Pet Semetary.
That was my favorite part of the movie I guess, sure, why not. [Spoiler
Preceding] hey what just happened you skipped the last few words because of the
spoilers alerts. What did you miss? I won't tell! I
gotchu, don't worry.
My least favorite memory of Video Games was, we had just
bought the Nintendo 64, and the first game me and my brother loaded up was the
Mario game, I forget what it was called. And we agreed he would play
first, because it is a one player game, and I'd get to play as soon as he lost
all his lives. But it turns out it's one of those things where you
never lose all your lives. So I was waiting there like a
schmuck for what seemed like months and months. Actually, the real
way it ended was probably me throwing a fit and somehow getting my way and I
ended up playing before he lost all of his lives. Whatta little stinker I
Pretty sure that's the slogan of Pet Semetary. It's a
poster of John Lithgow and at the bottom it has in quotes, "You Never Lose
All Your Lives..." At least that's how I would have done it.
I had to say it was a poster of John Lithgow so you would read it in his
voice. It's important that we get a good voice to be the voice of that
quote. The voice over actor can really make or break this whole thing.
What paragraph are we into now for some reason. Ninth.
Wonderful. HHey I finished my coffee already. That's not
supposed to happen! It was supposed to last me deep into the entry.
Here I am, not even finished with the 9th paragraph, and I'm out of coffee.
I'm gonna write a strongly worded letter to some guy about something that may or
may not be related to this.
Jeez. Maybe make these more common entries a bit
shorter. Maybe 15 paragraphs or something, right? That sounds
reasonable. Six more. Instead of making more coffee, I can have
something else I really enjoy like a Vitamin Water. That's a back up plan
I could really get behind! You know, like Elizabeth Warren.
Elizabeth Warren is the Vitamin Water this country needs. But Bernie
Sanders is the Coffee we so thoroughly deserve. Then again, I could
also go for some carbonated beverage. You know what that means!
Kamala Harris, Step On Down! Also, to be clear, Kamala Harris
isn't necessarily my third choice. She's just diet Pepsi in this scenario,
Jeez. Also, the Democratic primary should function like
The Price Is Right. And the first question is how much can you as
president get big corporations to pay in federal taxes? And they all
lose immediately for saying any number higher than zero. That's one
scenario for how things may shake out. Except for Beto O Rourke who just
spouted off some focus group tested talking points and wins because he didn't
give an answer. That might be how the primary shakes out is the point.
I don't know, O Rourke might have some competition if that's the standard.
I can imagine most candidates talking nonsense that sounds good rather than
committing to holding big corporations accountable.
Jeez. Few more paragraphs left. Then its time to
start fantasizing about dinner. Man I'm sure gonna eat some dinner.
No problem there. I'll just put it in my mouth and chew and chew and
well you know what eating's like. We've all been there!
Sometimes I regret going to the orthodontist every month for five years and then
quitting after being 95% done so my teeth still aren't perfect but I still
wasted so much time and money doing it. Oh well, what are ya gonna
do. Hey, as of an hour ago, a full 2 weeks without smoking a cigarette!
I'll put up with writing all the crappy entries in the world as long as it means
I'm closer to a future without any cigarettes in it! Hah! You
thought this entry was for you! It was for me all along!
A twist ending only no one could have seen coming.
I didn't see it coming. ...but I should have.
What paragraph are we into now. 13. Three to go for an even 15.
Well, even in the sense that its a multiple of 5. That's
kind of an even...? What the Hell it's my Third
Birthday. By which I mean it's 1/3rd of a year after my
birthday. Or 2/3rds of a year before my birthday. Whichever way you
wanna look at it. I'm 30 1/3. WTF I WAS EVENTUALLY FINE WITH TURNING
30 BUT NO ONE EVER TOLD ME HOW QUICK AFTER THAT I'D BE GETTING TO 31? WHEN
DOES IT END? 32 AFTER THAT? THAT WASN'T PART OF THE DEAL!
At least we live in a dystopia. That keeps things interesting.
Huh. Two paragraphs to go. Just
opened up poker for the next 2 paragraphs. Just to keep me going.
I had wanted to never play poker again but hey what can ya do not much is the
point so this is something I can do but I will stop eventually just lemme do it
a little bit more no harm there right gotta keep doin stuff. WTF the first
hand I play I got SIX HIGH. I put in an ante for this? WHATTA
SCAM. The point is Everything Is A Scam so you need to learn how to
just not do anything if you want to steer clear of scams. Just walk around
in a circle all day and no one'll be able to take advantage of you. It's
the only way to be sure!
Last paragraph. Well I just lost a dollar
at poker by sitting at a table for three minutes. The good news
is, if I wasn't playing at responsible stakes the last week, to make sure I
didn't re-lose all my money, I would have re-lost all my money.
Instead, I lost like 10 or 15 dollars over the week. And that's not so
bad! Especially considering I've been knocking some Bonus Money Sports
Betting out of the park. So I'm about even is the point. Every time
I fall, the Mets pick me back up! And then every time the Mets pick me up
I inevitably fall down again and just hope the Mets have it in them to pick me
up yet again once more! I'll see ya later.
Wednesday, April 10, 2019
I've Got Important Things To Say One Would Imagine!
I suppose. Let's get into it.
My micromanaging of my daily schedule has increased. Now I take tri-daily
walks as opposed to bi-daily. Added a mid-afternoon walk. I like it
because during this time of day I get to see high school students on their way
home from school and I think its important to show them what a successful young
adult looks like so they have a positive role model and something to strive for.
Also, I get another opportunity to pick up something for dinner or perhaps
dessert or potentially some sort of alcoholic product meant for consumption.
Sure, I can get any of that stuff on my morning walk-- but then I'd have
to be planning hours and hours ahead! Plus, I'd have to store whatever it
is for an extra half a day, and my cupboards and refrigerators and kitchen
appliances are all full enough as it is! I'm already storing too
much stuff inside the toaster! The toaster wasn't designed to hold all
You know, non-toaster stuff? That I'm
just leaving in the toaster as if it were storage space? The joke is I'm
severely misusing appliances to a very possibly dangerous degree. Well,
it's not really a joke, but the premise is such and whatnot.
There's been a recurring theme here the last few weeks where I decide I wanna
write an entry lets say in two days and then I open up the blog to write the
heading of the future entry in preparation and I realize I could just write
it now instead of waiting and I'm all like I don't really want to and
have nothing to say yet and is it really the best time of day to be
creative I don't know I really should read an internet article about when's
the best time to be creative and that's a true story I just googled that 20
minutes ago and read that article and it wasn't all that great and... but
then I'm like ok well might as well write now I got nothing else to do
and then that's what happens. That's a story we'll all remember for
negative years to come. That's right-- we're all gonna go back in time
solely to forget that story.
Third paragraph! Googling stuff about writing
stuff led me to the realization that hey this is a blog and should be treated
as such. By which I mean, hey, there's a lot of websites out there
where they hire people to more or less write bloggish stuff. They should
hire me. Look what I can do! LOOK! How come come no
ones looking?! I know people are looking. Crazysheet shows up
much sooner in search engines than it used to! Which leads me to believe
that search engines love crazysheet. Them algorithms can't get
enough of my zany schemes and wild observations! Probably because all
of my pro-algorithm commentary. I'm no fool, I know my audience!
I'll talk up my relationships to the algorithm community and ingratiate myself
thusly. It's simply good business!
Lost weight. No more smoking. I'm not gambling
irresponsibly. Reading books. Working more creatively. I'm an
Unstoppable Progress Machine! I'm just dreading the point where all my
progress reaches the singularity and then all my forward momentum zooms up like
an ellipses hyperbola and the universe collapses upon itself. Pretty
sure roughly 40% of that sentence came close to making sense. Anyway,
the important thing is, lets get into crazysheet. Here's an
on brand topic-- Pizza is the ONLY word Americans use with a double,
"Z." Should it be pronounced with a, "T?" Like a, "Tzz?"
Peet-zuh? Or just with a really emphasized, "Z?" Pee-zzuh.
We have no way of knowing-- there's no other reference point in American
language! I demand a full investigation and I demand it be done by
Mueller's team and for some reason they have to stay together from now on and
work cases like a team. Also it should be dramatized in a serial
television show roughly a year and a half behind when it happens in real life.
That's my hot take on things. I was thinking about my
poker strategy the last month or two and I realized it can be summed up in
Trying to hit them sets. It just revolves around I want a pocket
pair and get to the flop and hit a set and see what happens.
Everything else is incidental. All other hands and pots I can take or
leave, maybe there's a profit, maybe I operate at a loss. I'm just focused
on lemme hit them sets. A set is when you have a pocket pair and
then one of the community cards gives you 3 of a kind. Lemme hit them
sets and just hope people feel like playing big pots when I do.
Anyway, I'm gonna guess this is the 5th paragraph.
Nope. Already the sixth paragraph. Aww man why did I just
place a bet on Bovada Sports on which paragraph this was. I lost 20,000
dollars!! I could take or leave that joke.
Preferably leave. What else is going on. Do we know who
came up with "MAGA," or: "Make America Great Again?" There's a zero
percent chance Trump came up with it. So who did? You'd think
inquiring minds would want to know. Why am I the only one asking these
questions? Is it because you can't think of these questions? Maybe
you should hire me to ask questions for you. Have you ever thought of
MAGA, or: How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Pray
For The Sweet Release Of Nuclear Holocaust Because Frankly Its An Improvement On
Trump Being President. Yikes. I'm very scared of how this
upcoming presidential election will unfold. Because it's become very clear
Trump has absolutely zero interest in anyone outside his 40% of America that
likes him. So how can he even pretend to court any other voters?
It's gonna get ugly quick. Him just accusing the media of being rigged
and the polls really show everyone likes him and everything is a lie
and the election will be illegitimate. I don't see how the campaign
can go any differently. I can't imagine him running a standard campaign
making a genuine effort to win over anybody. He can only go Full Crazy and
we may descend into much, much worse chaos than we even dare to imagine.
So we got that to look forward to in a few months, is the
point. I can't wait! Now, wouldn't that dystopic future be a lot
more fun if I was writing for you? I'd be all like Called It!
and you'd be like Man made a good judgment call giving that kid a job, makes
all the dystopia almost worth it! Anyway what paragraph are we into
now. Eighth. Wonderful! Basically, that hypothesis is based on
these two facts-- Trump has repeatedly tweeted that the Democrats can only
win the presidency by cheating, and the remarkably consistent polling for
years, that Trump must know about, that has Trump at a ~40% approval rating.
Those two things together are, well, pretty concerning.
But that's the future! Who cares about the future!
I care about the present! Damn, just lost it. Wait, no!
Now! This current pres-- wait no its gone again. Why is the
present so elusive? And why is the president such a dangerous fool.
Well such is life, I guess. What else is going on. Maybe take a
break after the 10th paragraph, than write another 10 after dinner/after-dinner
walk. Makes sense to me. That means a paragraph and a half to go for
this segment. The progress I make in life is inversely proportional to
the progress of American politic and media-culture. That's my
hypothesis for some reason.
Better start Fucking Up in life just to improve things for
the rest of ya. Thank God! An easy solution! That I can do
all by myself! I can save the world if only I become more of an
irresponsible jackass! That's a relief. Anyway, what else is going
on. I don't have to stop right after this paragraph. I can keep
writing and whatnot based on how I feel. What's the first jackassy thing I
should do to get the country back on track. This entry isn't a bad
start. What with the give me a blog writing job and the I'm
gonna talk about politics for some reason overtones. Seems pretty
jackassy to me! Overtones? Or is it undertones. I am
freakin' clueless on this one. I know it's some kind of tones but I have
no idea whether it's over or under.
Wonderful. I don't get how music decided there were 12
notes. I have a guitar-- I can tune a string to halfway between one note
and another. Boom. 24 notes. And then I can tune a
string to halfway between the halfways. Suddenly we have 48 notes.
Music is stupid is the point I'm trying to make. I can count on one hand
the times that I was playing guitar and someone said I liked what you were
playing. I mean, just practicing, or mucking around, not officially
performing. And I can also tell you that each time that happened, it had a
profound impact on me. Oh, I guess this one song I was working
on is the best song I've ever done in the world. Or, this one
riff from an already existing song happens to be right in my guitar playing
wheelhouse and I need to adjust all my practicing to that knowledge.
That's just how things go for some reason. Anyway.
Oh. Right. This is bullshit. The world isn't going to end, my
progress in life has no effect or relation to what's going on outside my life,
and all my music sucks so don't even worry about it. Well that
solved all my problems up pretty neatly! Thank heavens. Hey what
paragraph are we into now. 12th! Otherwise known as 1/4th the
amount of crazysheet notes there are. As in hey what note are you
playing? A B and 1/4th. ...Okay.
Anyway. Up about 20 dollars in poker since deciding to stop playing
and withdraw everything I had. Obviously it didn't go according to
plan. But winning more instead of losing more was a welcome
consequence of not going according to plan!
Next Weird Al album-- Accordion To Plan.
That's my educated guess. So I got the Beastie Boys and the Guided By
Voices books but I haven't read 'em yet. The Beastie Boys book has a
sticker on the front cover, which I assume is standard wherever you get it, and
its so egregious that I'm very tempted to guess that there's a secret underneath
the sticker where you rip off the sticker and its like hey you found the
secret but so far I've been scared to scratch off the sticker because I
don't wanna ruin the book's integrity but I gotta think something's under
that sticker they want us to scratch off the sticker what's under that
sticker?!?! Such is life these days is the point I guess.
14th paragraph! I've been drinking a little bit the
last few paragraphs. It makes me feel good for some reason. You
should try drinking alcohol! It's a real lifehack and whatnot. I
assume that's what all blogging jobs are. Talking about lifehacks.
And the only variation is wherever you're writing blogs for obviously dictates
the form your lifehacks will take. Lifehacking has totally monopolized the
commercial blogging industry. That's my best guesstimate, at least.
Anyway, hey, what else is going on. Aiming for 20 paragraphs today because
that makes the most sense as of now.
Figure I'll probably be able to finish this entry before
dinner. Dinner will be ordered in about half an hour. Then it will
be consumed about 45 minutes after that. So I can write 6 paragraphs in
that finite amount of time is the point. I wrote the word finite
to sound professional. Added absolutely nothing to the sentence.
But you read a word like finite and you think this kid knows what he's
talking about! Semper Fi Night. That sort of thing one would
imagine. We're Here. We're Marines. Get Used To It.
I have no idea why my mind went there. Some sort of explanation is
demanded but I don't have it and I'm as caught off guard as you are.
Okay, what else. 75% done with the
entry! It's about time! I've been here writing this crap for
like an hour or something! Man! Maybe an hour and a half! Who
can remember that far back! The Subway I get for lunch 2 or 3 times a week
is a combination Subway/Nathan's. I have never seen someone order
from the Nathan's. Never. In roughly 20 years of going there.
I've gotten the Nathan's a couple times myself when I was a teenager-- but I
always had to wait 20, 30 minutes for them to fry up the Nathan's batter or
whatever, cause its never used. And besides me, no one has ever
gotten Nathan's in my presence. Which always confused me, because
it's fun to eat those mini corndogs and stuff like that. People are really
missing out on eating mini corndogs is my impression from life!
Wait what the Hell where did that font come from. I'm as baffled as
you are. I assume you're as baffled as me WAIT TWHAT HRAOHS
FONTS ARE CHANGING it whJeez.
Lets just move on and pretend the font uprising never even happened. The
fonts tried to radically change the world they lived in and if we just refuse to
acknowledge it its like it never happened and they failed. They never even
made it to the surface with their crazy anachronistic fonts. It's always
been Courier New and always will be Courier New! Hey there's only three
paragraphs after this one and I haven't even ordered dinner yet! I'm gonna
finish this entry before dinner like a champ and then enjoy my after-dinner
night the only way I know how-- walking in a circle desperately trying to burn
off the calories I gained while drinking alcohol!
Cool. Hey the font didn't change. Thank God.
What else is going on. I sure hope The Mets win tonight. I will have
8 more dollars on Poker if they do, as compared to if they don't. That's
how betting works. You bet on a team to win and then you end up with more
money than you started with if and only if the team wins and then
if the team loses you lose money and then in the very rare occasion that they
decide not to play the game you get your betting money back! I
figured out Sports Betting! Hooray for me! The only question
that remains is how much walking in a circle will I do once I've reached my
target weight. Do I walk as much as I have been so I can consume a
crazy amount of calories each day? And just splurge on random nonsense?
Or do significantly less because who needs to eat that much nonsense?
I do find the idea of not walking in a circle for
several hours every day for the rest of my life pretty appealing, to be
honest. Almost as appealing as I'm gonna eat random nonsense every day
for some reason I don't fully understand! Anyway, figure I'll arrange
ordering dinner with my family after this paragraph. That's my version of
Fighting With My Family. My semi-biographical movie will be
Ordering Dinner With My Family. Oh man only one more paragraph after this
one! Whatta joy. I totally wrote an entire entry in less than
two hours and without really intending to write anything in the first place!
Hah! And you all doubted me is the point.
Hey just spent 10 minutes in preparation of dinner.
What the Hell was I talking about again? I remember worrying about
America's future and something about marines. Other than that, it's all a
blur. What else is going on. Figure I'll just keep writing here
until dinner gets here. That'll be maybe one bonus paragraph, maybe five!
Who can tell as of now for sure. Yeah, I ordered dinner, but the real
highlight was the part when I ordered breakfast. I got a dinner for
the next two nights, and I got a breakfast for the next two breakfasts!
Breakfasts are the best. You get to eat some sweet and there's ample
opportunity to eat breakfast meats which you would be unfairly judged for eating
So, sure, yeah, I guess. Something about giving me
a job for writing blogs. I can do it! For you! I'll switch up
my style and whatnot to fit your stupid crap or whatever, I don't mind!
Hmm. I'm drinking soda and I can't remember if I poured alcohol into
it or not. I don't taste it exactly, but my memory sort of implies that it
remembers me pouring alcohol. This is a real head scratcher. Hey I
just thought of a solution!-- who gives a shit. That's a pretty
good solution to more or less every problem raised here in this entry or
anywhere else. I always feel weird when the dinner delivery gets here and
I hear the doorbell ring and I leave my room and stand at the top of the stairs
waiting for the delivery person to deliver the food and leave so I can descend
the stairs to eat my dinner and I'm standing there like a child so the delivery
person won't see me and I need them to leave before I show myself downstairs.
Oh well, such is life, am I right? Also sometimes
there's a delivery woman who sounds like she's relatively young and I'm
interested in seeing what she looks like but thus far I've been embarrassed to
ask my Dad about her. But she's already been to my house so we're pretty
much halfway there to marriage. Oh, hey! I had another interaction
with Asian Guy On Sidewalk! Again, he told me about how he doesn't speak
English well, and this time around, he made it clear that his interest in me was
Me Teaching Him English. I don't think he was joking, I think that's what
he wanted to say to me. I just don't know if he just wants meme
to teach him English specifically for some reason, as if I and only I
know the kind of English he wants to learn, or if he sees me teaching him
English as some sort of doorway to getting to know me better. But that's
where his mind is.
My response was I'm not a good teacher! and
standing there for 2 minutes trying to figure out a polite way of saying I
don't want this conversation to go any further! Please let me leave!
I hope to God you don't memorize my walking schedule and bother me every day!
So I got that going for me is the point. What paragraph is this.
23rd! Amazing. Anyway, I don't know. I can't wait to read this
entry sober and see What The Hell Happened. Cause as of now I have no
freakin' clue. Anyway. A little less than 2 days away from a full 2
weeks without smoking a cigarette. Certainly seems like it's gonna take.
Can't say for sure yet, but I like my odds! I guess I can never
say for sure. I'm always just one cigarette away from going back to
smoking, for the rest of my life. Oh well, such is the new normal.
What else is crappening. It's just impulse control
at this point, and not that hard really. From now on, it's the
equivalent of Hey I can drink some bleach! It'll fuck me up
but you never know maybe I'll do it for some reason. It's about on
that level. Probably a little more likely, but not that far off.
Because I probably won't be in the situation in the future where someone else is
drinking bleach and enjoying himself and I'm like that could be me
drinking bleach! So, sure, great, whatever. The point is the
word bleach is spelled like it should be the word blech as in
yuck! Blech! Bleach! ...You still following me?
Hmm. Paragraphs. I get it!
Whattado with my night after dinner and after-dinner walk. I can't go back
to walking around in a circle, not after drinking and enjoying myself! And
I can't go back to drinking and enjoying myself, not after already doing that
once today! I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. Anyway.
I'm gonna be taking a Sleep Study on account of that sleepwalking episode.
Something about they set me up in a room that's real nice, like a hotel room,
but they monitor me when I go to sleep at night and it's fun because it's like a
mini-vacation but also they get to see what makes me tick in my sleep.
That's my impression. Don't know when that's happening yet but it's on the
I guess. 26th paragraph? That seems
too high. Oh well what can ya do. This'll be the last paragraph.
Food should be here in 10-30 minutes. Figure if I end after this paragraph
that'll be a real responsible way of doing things so I don't have to go eat
mid-paragraph. So, what have we learned this entry? I forget.
Probably things, though! Be smart about intuitating things from this
entry!! Also let's pretend that's a word! Even for just a short
time! We can stop pretending once the paragraph is over! We can
go back to recognizing it's not a word! But for right now it is a
word we can agree right? Yes, sure we can. Ugh. Bleach.
I'll see ya'll next entry.
Monday, April 8, 2019
Hey What's Happening Am I Right
I was just urinating and thought of a good
name for a band-- Dick Sprinkles. That's the new and improved
Crazysheet we're in for! Stuff like that for some reason!
Anyway, as of an hour ago, a full 10 days without a tobacco cigarette.
Also, no other kinds of cigarettes. Also, no tobacco products at all.
Not even the tobacco tooth paste or the tobacco shampoo or the tobacco some
other thing hey what am I a comedian? You figure it out. So I've
been doin' pretty good on the still-not-smoking-and-dealing-with-it-okay front.
As for poker, I think I'm done with it for now. I still have an
outstanding 4 dollar prop bet on the Mets game tomorrow, but in the end, I'm
gonna be withdrawing ~325 dollars from the initial 50 dollar deposit.
Yeah! That'll learn 'em! Basically, I think the
most appropriate way to conceptualize the winnings are, I didn't make back
all the money I had lost over the last 3 or 4 years at poker-- but I made
back enough money to make my Dad a little bit of money.
Confused? Let me explain! 80% of the times I've lost poker money
over the last few years, the basis of the initial deposit was that it was a
birthday gift, or an Chanukah gift [THAT'S RIGHT, AN CHANUKAH], or
whatever. So all those times I lost gifts-- fine, that moneys gone, but
the memories of me playing will last a lifetime. That's my problem, and I
can deal with that. However, of the times that I actually was just like
Eh feel like putting 50 dollars of Community Family Money on poker whose gonna
stop me you? I've made my Dad his money back and then some.
I like that way of thinking because it makes me feel good and
is intuitively the most appropriate. So, sure, yeah! What else is
going on. Hey I started making some coffee before writing here. It
might be ready by now! Oh well, no way of knowing. My Mom has
warned me that with this coffee maker (which is roughly 2 or 3 years old at this
point), don't start withdrawing coffee until the pot is completely done
brewing. But for the old one we were allowed! Your amount of coffee
is ready? Great! Pour it! Pour that coffee like a champ and
then it'll re-fill for other people after [or for your second cup-- oh boy you
can't wait for that second cup of coffee, can you?!]. This time around,
nope. Gotta wait. So far I've been adhering to that rule but,
really, what's gonna happen if I pour coffee while its still dripping.
Is the house gonna explode? One of these days I'm gonna take a chance
and see what happens. Not today, though. Not today.
Note-- I just took a chance. And, for
reference, it was Today. Anyway nothing happened, but I might have only
dodged a bullet because it turns out it was 99% done anyway. I see it
brewing, pour my Super Sized Coffee Cup, put it back and no ones the wiser
and will ever have any knowledge of this crime and then 15 seconds later it
starts beeping in its coffee-specific Morse code to convey its done.
Anyway, I don't know. The last few days, I've been at roughly the same
amount of bankroll on poker, and I've been experimenting with playing the lowest
stakes possible to see if I could maybe withdraw this ~$325 and leave over 15,
20 dollars, whatever, and just slowly build that up responsibly. Turns
out I can't. I get really bored and I have some sort of stupid thing
in my brain which has me convinced I play much better when I'm playing at too
high stakes. Like, the pressure brings the best out of my game, or
I assume that's probably some sort of subliminal messaging
achieving its purpose from Gambling. Thinking you play better at out of
control too high stakes is pretty much the exact thing Gambling would want you
to think, and its probably no coincidence that it has become what I intuitively
think. Somewhere along the line they got me. Oh well, such is life.
What else. I've got a bone to pick with the Kiss lyric, "I want to rock
and roll all night and party every day!" Wouldn't the opposite-- rock
and rolling all day and partying every night-- make a lot more
sense? Doesn't matter which side of the rock 'n roll equation you're on,
either. Makes more sense for both rock 'n roll consumers and rock
'n roll performers.
You consume rock 'n roll? Well, you do that during the
day. You got your dead end job or school and you maybe listen to rock and
roll on ear phones or radio here and there when you get a chance. Or maybe
once you get home in the late afternoon you put on a record and chill. Or
you listen to some rock 'n roll on the way to work in the morning.
And you're certainly not partying during the day. You've got
shit to do! Then, once its night time, you go out to a
party! Rock 'n roll during the day-- party at night. This isn't that
difficult. So that's for rock consumers. Now, Who goes partying
during the day? Presumably Rock 'n Rollers, I guess, if you buy into
Kiss's lyrics. But if you're a rock 'n roller, this flip-em-up
actually seems even more egregious. You make rock 'n roll-- that's your
day job. Literally. You're rock 'n rolling your days away.
Maybe you do shows all night here and there, but for the most part, this is your
9-5, your days are rock 'n rolling. Your standard. And, as for
partying at night, you bet your bottom dollar Kiss would rather be partying
ev-a-ry night than rock 'n rolling. They need a break from rock 'n roll!
They're rockin' during the day. Any time they get to party at night is a
welcome respite from the monotony of so much rocking.
Well, finished that paragraph. No one can take that
away from me. I guess. Maybe I'm just an idiot and don't understand
Kiss lyrics. This could be my biggest sham-of-an-insight-em-up since
talking about the Mueller Report which I forget what I said exactly but its safe
to assume I was talking out of my ass. What else. I saw Pet Semetary
on Friday. I don't know what I was expecting, but my take was yeah I
saw this movie already. It's just like the one 30 years ago. And
presumably the book. I have no idea what I thought I was gonna
see. Turns out it was oh right, I know exactly what happens save for
the 10% of the plot that were mixed-em-ups. The scariest thing about
the movie is going to the movie and realizing oh shit 25 or 30 years have
passed since I first saw the last one. Now I'm significantly closer to
death than the first time around. Ah I see what you did there.
Well done. As far as I can tell, inducing that feeling, in
the background as it were, is all this movie has going for it-- but still, that
alone, pretty scary.
I'm gonna estimate I saw the original Pet Semetary for
the first time in completion when I was, I don't know, six years old?
Seven? So, crunching the numbers, That's about 25 years ago-- and, if I'm
lucky and live to 80 years old, I got 2 more of what I've done since Last Pet
Semetary. That's not too bad. Basically, I get to live my entire
life again, then I'm 55, and I get to do it yet again one more time!
Sounds fair to me. And then, who knows, they'll be able to upload my
consciousness onto a cyborg probably. Sometimes I think about if I live
far enough into the future where they can just put your brain into a
cyborg or whatever, and would I choose a body with physical attributes
comparable to what I am now? Or pick one that's most attractive or good
utilitarian or something?
I mean, theoretically speaking, lets just pretend the
cyborgs look exactly like humans. Do I pick a body who looks like a guy
whose 6'1? Or do I just go yeah I'm used to this short bullshit at this
point I think I'll just stick with what I'm comfortable with. For all
the crap I feel about my height, I think my instinct would be, eh, lets just
remain as true to the original as possible. Sign me up for the shortness
again please! So, sure, yeah. Anyway we're into the ninth
paragraph and that's not bad. Been losing weight one would imagine based
on what I see when looking in the mirror. Haven't actually checked the
scale in a while, but I think all this room-walking has been paying off real
I was thinking about people who chew two pieces of gum at one
time, and I wonder if anyone ever does it without combining them. I mean,
theoretically, you can chew one piece of gum on the right side of your mouth,
and another piece of gum on the left side of your mouth. And never the
twixt shall meet. That's certainly one way to go about things if you're no
conformist. Anyway. I like Fox News watchers who are like I can't
stand these east coast intellectuals!!! How dumb do you have to be to
actively dislike smart people? Intellectuals?
AHHHAHHHH. My brain don't work no fancy way and them that do
make me mad! Why can't they be simple like I and others like I?
Well, that was the last save-em-up.
Three things were saved-em-ups this entry. The Kiss lyric. The gum
chewing. And the intellectuals. Didn't have them written out or
anything, but just the brief mention of talk about this was saved-em-upped
for those three things. 11th paragraph. Gonna eat in roughly an hour
40 minutes, so maybe I'll finish the entry by then, or maybe I won't. I've
narrowed it down to those two things because I'm a genius. Anyway, what
else is going on. The further away I get from being a smoker, the more I
realize that this whole time, I really was just wishing I could be smoking
marijuana. Really wanted to smoke something, and I just figured
tobacco would be a decent substitute, and then I got addicted to it, and it
snowballed into just being addicted to cigarettes. But now I'm like, I
wasted a decade smoking cigarettes when I could have been getting lightly high!
Lightly high. No big high. Just a light high
all the time! Anyway. I don't wanna smoke marijuana every day
anymore. Maybe if they legalize it and it turns out I can tolerate it
again, I'd be pleased as punch to smoke once a week on a weekendday. Just
sort of reserve it as a treat to reward myself for rock and rolling all the days
of the working week and, yeah, partying every night, presumably by myself, and
without marijuana, but hey some parties are just like that I guess. That
kind of life seems appealing to me for some reason. Anyway, what else is
going on. Haven't written much entry for about 20 minutes. I got
distracted by running out of coffee to drink. What now? No more
coffee. Can't drink alcohol. Not y... wait sure I can.
Hah! LIFEHACK! DRINK WHENEVER YA WANT!
That sounds ultimately unhealthy but for now sure
I can have the equivalent of one drink because that's the kind of guy I am this
entry! Also, I can walk off the calories from 1 unit of alcohol in just 40
minutes of room walking! No problem! Anyway. Maybe in a
minute. In the mean time, lemme tell you, I've been going hard on the soda
lately. As I was allowing myself all the gum I want while recovering from
cigarette addiction, I've been binging on diet soda again. I figure I can
stop any time I want to so get off my back about it! You know what?
Maybe I don't want alcohol at all. Maybe I just want some soda.
I like that idea. I'll pour myself soda! Yeah! That's it!
What else is wide world of sports. Just took a 20
minute break to have a serious discussion with my parents about dinner.
I'm not having any, but I felt it was important I was there to support them in
this difficult time of deciding where to order dinner from. That's just
the kind of son I am. Also, hey, got my Guided By Voices and Beastie Boys
books delivered! What paragraph are we into. 14th. Figure I'll
write 20 paragraphs, maybe time dinner in such a way that I finish the entry
right before eating dinner. That seems like a fun way to divide time these
days. Comedy Class is in 4 weeks. Figure the game plan until then is
walk in circle more. Maybe incrementally do more creative stuff like music
or comedy jokes. No more poker be happy for what you got.
Wow. Whatta life. Figure I'll put food in the
oven after the 16th paragraph. That means two more paragraphs to go before
I even do that. AwwAwwAAAwwwmannnnn. I was really looking forward
to taking the next step forward in life. Which, in this case, is eating
today's thirdmeal. I don't know what I'm supposed to do until then!
I could play a one dollar sit 'n go on poker-- but no! I made a vow!
No more poker until my wedding night! Then, one can imagine, my wife will
go, remember when I said, "I do?" I was bluffing! Then
I go, We weren't supposed to start until now! You
started the game too early! Get out of my life!
Sure I know a lot about human relationships.
I think that goes without saying. I think, in the history of the phrase,
"That goes without saying," there hasn't been one time that it
actually went without saying. You've never been in an elevator with a
guy for 60 seconds and he just suddenly goes well that goes without saying.
It's invariably always preceded by someone saying it. Anyway.
There's this old Asian dude in my neighborhood who saw my Dad on the sidewalk a
few days ago and said he's seen me walking and he wanted to talk to me. My
Dad told me that and I was confused. Then I saw this guy on my walk today.
He said he had something to talk to me about. I said, "Okay." I
stood there with him for 10 seconds with neither of us saying a word. 10
seconds is a long time. Then he goes, I don't speak English that
well... and I said, "That's okay." Then we stood there for another 20
seconds saying nothing. 20 seconds is an even longer time than 10
seconds. Some might say twice as long. Then he says, I'll think
of it by next time. And I said, Okay. Take care.
And walked away. Dinner In Oven time.
Four paragraphs to go before dinner is ready.
It's a real race against the clock. But the good news is Hey What Else Is
Goin' On. I'm clearly not as antsy or angsty or ampedsty as I was the last
two entries. Apparently my body is adjusting to not having nicotine just
fine. So I got that going for me is the point. I think I once read
that each cigarette takes like 8 or 10 minutes off your life. I did the
calculations and I lost about one year from my projected life expectancy, based
on the estimated number of cigarettes I've smoked. A year isn't that bad.
I think I can deal with losing a year. Losing a whole year. Hmm.
That's a Third Eye Blind song. Really makes ya think.
Sure, sure, why not. Best case scenario, this old Asian
guy wanted to talk to me about I've got a daughter around your age, and I've
seen you around, walking the sidewalk, you seem like a good fit. I wanna
hook you two up. Worst case scenario, it's I've seen you walking
around, will you come into my basement so I can do some sort of Horror Movie
stuff on you? Not Horrorshow-- this isn't A Clockwork Orange. I just
mean like maybe put you in a Saw-type situation, or force you to watch a The
Ring tape, or have you participate in a Human Centipede. Something along
those lines is what I'm interested in.
I can't imagine any other possibility, though.
Either he's got a daughter, or maybe there's let's say some Hostel
situation where he'll get someone to pay him to torture and kill me. No
other scenario seems remotely plausible to me. Hey only a paragraph and
a half to go! This was wonderful, just wonderful. That's
actually one of my main memories from when I was in the hospital. It's
full of people who want to talk to you and you're not 100% sure of the reason
but you are 100% its making you uncomfortable and when you think about it you
don't necessarily want to know the reason. Some things are just
better left unsaid, and 60 year old Asian guys having something to say to you
but then not being able to get the words out qualify as some of those things.
Let's conclude this entry the only way I know how-- with a
paragraph! The entry started with a paragraph, and its gonna end with a
paragraph. How's that for symmetry? And the middle matches up with
itself. No symmetry required. Huh. Yeah sure I guess.
Gonna take a walk after dinner. Walking all day in my room actually makes
me enjoy the walking around the neighborhood more. You might
think it'd make any walking piss me off cause I do so much of it. Nope!
It's like, alright, finally, get to walk some where the scenery changes and
the air is fresh and I get to see all sorts of nice people and storefronts!
Life sure is good enough for now but its gonna get real boring real quick
unless I come up with something new. But, for now, see ya later!
Thursday, April 4, 2019
Life Is Waiting To Do Stuff
That's more accurate than the last title.
To reference what the last title was-- scroll down a bit. Been
knocking some poker out of the park to the point where my Dad will be pleasantly
surprised at how much I will eventually withdraw soon, and I will leave some
over to see if I can build it up again! It's fun to do stuff and poker
qualifies as stuff! I figure there's three things I want that you could
say this withdrawal pays for. (1) Comedy Class (currently, would pay for
about 75% of it). OR both (2) and (3) New Chair for my roomdesk where I
sit 90% of my life and One Years Worth of Contact Lenses. (currently, will pay
for 100% of these 2 things and then some!) I've been sitting on a crappy
kitchen chair from the kitchen for the last 5 years in my room and I'm pretty
sure I no longer have posture. Need a real chair. I'm a
real man and I need a real chair.
The point is it's been over 6 days (24 hour periods of time--
for more information, consult a clock and/or calendar-- you know what, consult
some sort of thing where clocks and calendars combine-- its the most a
clock can do, and the least a calendar can do, so neither tells the whole story
on its own) without a cigarette and I am in withdrawal-- poker withdrawal!
Hah! We've covered this. Well, I'll be in withdrawal once I'm
done Sports Betting enough to retrieve my bonus. Anyway I'm listening to
the director's commentary on Return of the Living Dead right now and hey
I don't hate it! The commentary I mean. The movie itself is easily
in my top 10 favorite movies in all of life and saying, "I don't hate it," is
almost as severe an undersell as Barr saying the Mueller Report says there's no
obstruction here to be found, keep walking.
Keep walking? That is also what I
have been doing the last few days! Lots of circle-room-walking. It's
also fun and also drives me crazy and also hey why is everything spinning?
Always with the spinning! I guess this is the new normal. So much
spinning. Also I need to actually keep playing at much lower stakes to
maintain my poker bankroll while the sports betting plays itself out. I
think I can do it this time around. No reason not to! Oh man just
lost some extra money while gambling that my flopped set was still good at what
turned out to be a rivered flush. Well, that's why I'm playing lower
stakes! Lost an extra 5 dollars instead of an extra 15 dollars.
Psshh. Five dollars? I don't care!
Gonna eat in an hour. Then take a real walk
around the neighborhood, come back, write the rest of this entry. Maybe
have some alcohol for that portion of the entry. I've earned it what with
all the walking and gambling and the walking and the gambling and the no smoking
and the director's commentary and the Mets they strike people out then they
strike out what is life. I think, for now, I'm losing enthusiasm
for the idea of talking about mental illness for the 2 minutes I gotta do on
first day of comedy class, and now am thinking just do half a dozen or however
many fit regular randomish jokes. Right now I have 1 I'm sure of!
This month marks the seventh anniversary of crazysheet.net. 1 joke
accomplished. Well, I'm sure the rest of these suckers are starting
from zero. Me? I've got one joke!
Sure, sure. I figure one week without a
cigarette is a good milestone. That's in about 22 hours. But whose
counting? Not me. I don't count for shit. Fifth paragraph.
Hmm I guess I do count after all. Hey how about that wonderful things
work out sometimes for some reason. Oh hey I'm seeing Pet Semetery
tomorrow afternoon for some reason. Probably on the premise that I will
find it entertaining. Writing this entry, I suddenly feel that irritable,
twitchy, annoyed feeling I think you're supposed to feel while quitting
cigarettes. I went six days doing fine, opened up Microsoft FrontPage
feeling fine, suddenly meh I can do without this feeling but also pretty
confident it'll pass and it's not that bad for now lets just keep going.
Maybe this feeling is just how I'd feel writing
crazysheet not on cigarettes. This is just what Crazysheet is.
And I never realized before. I finish this entry, everything goes back to
normal. It's possible. Another explanation is that I made up a lot
of ground in poker. I was supposed to suffer financially so I could
improve my health! I can't be good in health and in financially!
That doesn't make sense. You gotta make choices. That must be it.
So now that I'm up in poker my body is like well need a cigarette now.
Stupid body. Luckily my body isn't the boss of me. My brain is
calling the shots! Because it's at the very top of my body and it's just
easier to do it that way.
Put food in the oven for dinner. Hah! Dinner!
I can do that with both hands tied behind all of the backs. Anyway.
I was sleepwalking naked a few nights ago. First time in my life I've ever
been sleepwalking. But my parents brought it up to me the next morning,
and I was like, oh shit now that you bring that up I REMEMBER THAT.
Could have been caused by not having smoked cigarettes for a few days and my
body was like alright he's asleep now's the time to get them cigarettes!
or it could have been I've been walking around in a circle for 4 hours a day
and now Mike's asleep but it still feels right to walk around some more.
No one knows for sure. Also, I left the house.
And, remember, I was naked. That's the worst part about the sleepwalking
and at first I was gonna not share it but now that I think about it who
cares. I was naked, opened the front door, stepped outside, my parents
got me to come back inside. And then when they brought it up the next
morning, that image of me being in the doorway came back, and I remember I was
thinking while it was happening, shit they're right I Am Naked better
shut the door... but I was under the impression that I left the house for
some reason, I just didn't realize I was naked at the time. So the
point is you're never too old to try out new experiences.
Wonderful. This was before the last entry. I
just hadn't felt comfortable 'going there' back then in the last entry. I
was embarrassed. Now the experience has sunk in a bit and I realize I
don't care at all. Ninth paragraph. Probably will drink a little bit
after dinner/walk, just a question of if I get some beer or drink some non-beer.
I like the idea of getting beer. It lasts longer and also it makes me feel
cool. And since I'm losing major 'cool' points without the smoking of
cigarettes, I need to drink as much beer as I can to compensate. I guess.
But, yeah, until writing this entry, I was feeling great. Real
healthy and whatnot. Focused. Clear lunged. Food tasted
better, water went down easy, my whistling was out of this world, all that jazz.
So I gotta imagine that'll all return after this entry. And then improve
Things are looking up.
My God-- I want to convey positivity-- but it's impossible to
be as positive as my life-situation demands. I can't do it!
WHY IS LIFE TOO AMAZING.
EVERY SECOND I LIVE IS HEAVEN.
So I got that going for me I guess and whatnot. What
else is going on. I better place a bet on tomorrow's Mets game while
there's still time. I don't wanna be froze out of the game because I was
dillydallying. At least I've been chewing a lot of gum. No one can
take that away from me. It's been honestly a joy and my one constant in
these tough times. Also-- calories of gum be damned! I promised
myself while recovering from cigarette addiction I can chew all the gum my
little smoke filled heart desires! Go crazy with the gum so to speak.
Double up on gum when chewing-- Triple up on gum! Who cares!
Hmm good idea I think I will double up on gum right now. Great.
I'm gonna be eating dinner in 25 minutes and who cares I'll chew gum all the
See I told you life was great. There's gum.
Tastes minty. That settles that. 11th paragraph. Also as
far as I know gum doesn't cause lung cancer or heart disease at anywhere near
the rates as tobacco cigarettes! Stupid computer. Why I gotta
explain everything to you? Whatta clunker this entry is. Yeah I'm
leaving the house at midnight on purpose I forgot I was naked so shoot me.
Hey I just thought of a great alternative to having to smoke because I'm
doing good on poker-- do shitty on poker so suddenly health becomes the
priority and what I'm doing well in in life. I'm one of those genius type
I think the reason I was embarrassed about that story was
because me being naked in any situation at all is embarrassing to me.
Because I have a negative body image. Oh well, what can ya do.
Exercise and quit smoking and shower and brush your teeth and get haircuts and
eat healthy and take care of yourself generally. Oh-- hey-- I am
doing what you can do! Good for me. I knew I would be good in life
in roughly 2/3rds of the places you could be good in life in at a time.
Anymore and, apparently, I get confused. But 2/3rds of life at a time?
I can do that. I think that's a reasonable thing to settle for, actually.
Just be a good person in 66% of respects. Not bad!
Anyway I'm gonna eat in five or ten minutes and don't wanna
start a new paragraph before then. So I'll see ya in a bit. Shit
this already started the new paragraph. Oh well-- this counts
as the other 33%-- it's my time off! Deal with it. Be back soon.
Hey I'm back. This isn't really
much of a save-em-up, but I do have one thing prepared from a few days
ago... If I was a baseball color commentator, my home run call would
be, "It's going, it's going... ITS NOT HERE ANYMORE!!!"
Not 100% what makes that a joke, but there you have it. So, yeah, ate
dinner and took a walk. Calmed down a little bit. It's good to be
calm. Even if there's an unneeded, "L," in it and it's pissing me the
Fuck off. Just took a sip of beer. Man, without the cigarette
gunk clogging up my mouthpiece, you can really taste the beer!
I like it.
I like it, I love it, I want some more of it. It's
funny, because in my mind, while typing it, I was imagining pronouncing it in
a different way than you'd hear it normally as a lyric in that song.
LOL. I USED THE SAME WORDS IN MY MIND BUT IN A DIFFERENT INTONATION THAN
IS OBVIOUS THAT ONLY I WOULD KNOW ABOUT. Best entry ever. So
what else is going on. What paragraph are we into for some reason.
14th paragraph for some reason. Trying a new flavor of gum. "Minty
Sweet Twist." I hope someone got fired over that name.
Sweet Mint Twist makes 67% more sense, and if you're committed to not
making sense, Twisty Mint Sweet is obviously the way to go.
Wow. Trying out exercising potential "Stand Up
Comedy" muscles while taking my circle-walks. Just whatever I hear on TV,
I repeat, trying to mimic their voice. Or I comment on what's going on
humorously. Or I just respond to it in some way. I feel like that's
a good way to prep--- wait no I'm just going insane. Never mind.
Well that was a letdown. Here I thought I was getting better at something,
and it turns out the only thing I'm getting better at is being crazy.
Whatta letdown and whatnot jeez clunk. Earlier today I figured out
a life hack so simple I can't believe I hadn't thought of it before. When
I order my cold brew iced coffee, just go, put in about half the milk you
would have normally. And just like that 40% of my dairy-centered
problems in life are addressed.
I don't know. I should start a new round of music. Now
that my fingers' main goal in life isn't to hold onto cigarettes, they can get
acclimated to playing guitars again. Sounds fun to me. Anyway.
I'll hit the 1 week mark right around the time I enter the Pet Semetary theater.
Probably around when they're showing commercials but before trailers. And
I'll know, hey I did somethin' good. Whatta breeze. Also now I
can appreciate breeze and even breathe the breeze. It's like Mountain
Dew's slogan Do The Dew but instead its Breathe The Breeze. Hey
that's a lot to think about in the future by which I mean the present.
You know, crap like that makes life worth living.
I wonder if Pet Semetary is friends with The Pursuit of
Happyness. All the titles with wrong spellings get together somewhere and
enjoy each others' company one would imagine. It's the 17th paragraph or
something. Something like that. Anyway. I stopped paying
attention to the Return of the Living Dead commentary when I started writing
this entry. One has to wonder what one might have missed.
Why am I talking like Robin Williams in Bicentennial Man. Huh.
Now that I think about it, that's a strangely accurate pull.
Interesting. My mind minus cigarettes is constantly surprising me.
Sometimes good ways, sometimes bad. But it's been fun to see some changes.
19th paragraph by my current tally. Figure this'll
be the penultimate. So, great. Now back to no entry life.
Whole weekend with nada. Well, Pet Semetary. That'll set the mood
for the rest of the weekend. Then one would imagine life will unfold in
some predictable way and I'll be all like eh and whatnot will continue as
it has been on that which course has been set oh so many moons ago. I
think it takes balls to have a lunar calendar. Mad respect for thems who
do. Hey there is no Met game to bet on tomorrow. Whatta jip.
What am I supposed to do, Sports Bet on something other than the Mets doing
positively? Doesn't make sense. I have no idea how to Sports Bet so
I insist if I am sports betting it would only be on outcomes I insist on rooting
for in any case.
Last paragraph! Probably the worst entry in years.
Years! Worst! Such is life. But at least we got through it and
I think we've all grown as a person and also now we know each other better plus
now I'm less likely to get heart disease. Whattado with the rest of my
life. I'm leaning towards do something easy which involves me not
smoking but also involves me somehow being good at life in, lets say, 66% of the
ways sounds fair and achievable what do you think. I think the entry
is over. Then I shall take a bath-- not a shower!-- a bath! Then
walk around in a circle for 30 minutes, perhaps while listening to one of my The
Uppers albums to see how it sounds off cigarettes. Then eat a Pop Tart.
Then, fuck around some more for another hour or two, then go to sleep.
Hah. Life. Well, makes me laugh, at least. See ya
Tuesday, April 2, 2019
Life Is Doing Stuff
That's my takeaway from life. Welcome to
April! This entry might end up being a bit different, mostly because I
haven't smoked a cigarette in almost a full 4 days and that has had a profound
effect on my mind. For the most part, good. But, yeah, I've just
been thinking differently. Also, more health! We're talking about
now I breathe just like the normals do. Right? I can't stop
reading these articles and watching these videos where they're like, 20
minutes after your last cigarette, this returns to normal. 48 hours, this
thing returns to normal. Because a lot of things have already returned
to normal for me! And it's been my life long dream to be normal, so its
all very exciting.
But my thinking is definitely affected. Anyway.
Hasn't been too difficult so far, and I'm under the impression the first few
days are the hardest, but I don't wanna jinx it or anything by claiming victory.
We'll see how it goes. This all started because I had lost a few hundred
dollars in poker, and told my Dad about it, and he was pissed because I had told
him how much I was up in poker a couple of weeks ago, and he was sort of
stalling on giving me the go ahead to give the BitCoin site a lot of private
info so I could sign up with them so I can trade BitCoin so I can trade my Poker
Money into BitCoin so I could trade that BitCoin into Cash so I could withdraw
the Cash into my Bank Account. And then, I lost a lot of it.
So I started thinking, my life the last year or so has
been all about making progress here and there. Smoking. Now's the
time! And everything just clicked and it's been relatively easy so
far. And, even if I smoke a cigarette in ten minutes, I've already saved
40 dollars over the last 4 days of not smoking. So the point is
because I lost a few hundred dollars in poker, it provided the jolt to save
100 thousand dollars over the next 30 years and increase my
lifespan by 10 or 15 years. That's my favorite part. I get to
say, nope-- going on tilt and losing a few hundred dollars didn't fuck my
shit up-- it saved my life. I get to pretend that me going on tilt
actually turned out to be extremely good for me. And you know what?
That logic makes a little bit of sense!
Also, the other bit of good news is I started walking in
a circle in my room constantly. I was helping my brother move into his new
apartment on Saturday, and it finally hit me why I wasn't losing weight at the
rate I imagined I should be. Sure, I take 2 30 minute walks a day-- but
90% of the rest of the time I'm either sitting down or lying down. People
with jobs and friends and lives are walking all the time. So now I
started walking around in a circle in my room all the time and I'm positive it
will both lead to me finally dropping the last 2-5 pounds I want to lose,
and not-so-slowly drive me insane. It's a win-win! I get to
be thin and crazy.
Anyway. I'm not convinced there is a right
way to pronounce Pete Buttigieg. He may be telling us one thing, but what
does he know, who made him the authority on how to pronounce things.
People pronounce my name differently and I've learned to embrace it. Sure,
my Dad, who gave me the name, goes Korn-Bloom. But a lot of people
will say Korn-Bluhm. So either is fine. Just because Pete
wants it one way, he's not the boss of us! He's never gonna be president
with that kind of attitude, having the nerve to tell us how to pronounce things.
Not smart. He's alienating a whoe segment of the population who
instinctually wants to pronounce words differently. Nope! Not smart!
We, the voters, should have a say. Hold a public
referendum on how to pronounce it and he has to go along whatever we decide.
It's the only fair way of doing it. Anyway. Got a haircut and a
shave yesterday. I felt like my beard and headhair had accumulated a lot
of cigarette smoke over the last few weeks/months, so if I really want a clean
slate, gotta get rid of that hair. True story! Anyway. Stand
Up Class starts in five weeks. I have a fantasy where somehow, I'm not
sure of the specifics, this website has been passed around here and there, and I
show up fifteen minutes before the first class, and the teacher is like
Everyone I know reads Crazysheet somehow. ...Also, Here's 300,000 Dollars.
Most of my fantasies end with, "... Also, Here's 300,000 dollars."
It's a wonderful tag to pretty much anything you can fantasize
This lady just let me have sex with her! Then she goes,
You know what? Here's 300,000 dollars. I'm recording my first
album in a studio with a great producer! Then a suit bursts into
the room and goes, I love it! Here's 300,000 dollars. My
psychiatrist said I'm making progress mental healthwise! Then he goes,
Here's 300,000 dollars, I think you'll know what to do with it.
Anyway, what else is a wide world of sports. The bad news is a burnt a
small part of my lip on an hot pocket five days ago and it still hurts a bit.
Also, when I say, "An Hot Pocket," is it obvious I want you to pronounce it
without the, "H," or do you just assume I made a mistake with grammar.
Write in your answers to someone's e-mail address. It could be anyone.
I don't know. Eighth paragraph. Got this far in
roughly 40 minutes. Wonderful. I'm vaguely convinced that hot
pockets are designed in such a way that they purposely make you burn your
lip or tongue for some sort of reason that I don't completely understand.
I mean, it makes sense. Today's modern products are designed so carefully
and so exact that they must know people are burning their various
mouthpieces by eating it the intuitive way. My theory is they've done some
calculations that when people burn their lip, oddly, it makes them want to eat
more hot pockets to burn their lip even more. People just like any
strong sensation and they know if they eat more hot pockets they'll get that
masochistic kick over and over again. It's probably the biggest scandal
of our time.
Hey I'm gonna go make some coffee how about that. I
love consuming stuff! That's one thing I've been thinking about what with
not smoking cigarettes. Just let me consume anything, it doesn't
need to be cigarettes. I mean, cigarettes are great things to
consume. You can do it over and over and over again and it works well with
any occasion. But it doesn't need to be cigarettes. Just
drink a lot of coffee. Chew some gum. Drink soda, eat an apple.
Watch TV, read the news. Go on social media and take some Ritalin.
Pour some vodka and brush your teeth. So many options in today's modern
world to be the best consumer you can be even without smoking.
Wide world of sports. Bernie Sanders raised 18.2
million in the first quarter! That sounds like a lot, but remember,
Dumbo just made 46 million dollars in one weekend. And
by Dumbo I mean the movie-- not whatever reference you want me to mean jokingly
by calling them dumb-- probably Trump makes the most sense-- because he's dumb--
and presumably raising money these days. 18.2 million in a few months?
Kevin Hart's stand up special movies make more than that. So I think that
means the people have spoken and they want Kevin Hart to run for president.
One can assume he's evolved on LGBTQ issues and also will be
incredibly likeab--- wait no. When he's playing a fool in a movie,
he's likable. When he's president and starts taking himself seriously, I'm
gonna go ahead and guess he will no longer be likable. Sorry.
Is there a racially tinged element to conceptualizing Kevin
Hart's deal as, "likable?" Now that I think about it-- Yeah, probably!
Also, I think there's a Short Guy tinged element to it as well. Those two
things play off each other to help us get a sense of the entire Kevin
Hart. Also, his thing that he says is I Work Hard, and I think he's
been successful in getting that message across, be it that we actually buy into
him being a workhorse or if we just use that assertion as another way to help us
get a sense of his priorities in terms of working his image, so it's really
those three things that combine and are fluid and end up influencing how
each of us individually think of Kevin Hart.
I think I accomplished a lot in that paragraph. Anyway,
gonna go pour coffee. Hey I'm back how about that. Whatta clunker
and whatnot. 12th paragraph. Aiming for 20! I can do that,
sure, why not. Still have some money on poker. Certainly
enough to continue to Sports Bet on the Mets winning. Anyway. 15
minutes from a clean 4 days without cigarettes. I don't really have
intense cravings per say, but I am constantly just unconsciously
preparing myself for the next cigarette. Constantly just feeling ok
time to smoke a cigarette, but without a real desire to, you know?
Like it's about that time again, but then me going no I don't do that
anymore is very easy and my subconscious backs down immediately. So
that's how that goes.
I was thinking about using purple in the color scheme this
month. Either white or black font on purple background, or purple font on
black or white background. In the end I didn't because I'm not a risk
taker and that would really be going out on a limb and asking a lot of my
audience to follow me out there. So I'm playing it safe, but who knows, if
I get some good responses to the idea, it may come about in a future month!
Anyway. I got some Cocoa Powder to sprinkle in my coffee because the
internet suggested it. The result is not much of a difference in Taste of
Coffee, and a huge difference in The Amount of Cocoa Powder that Explodes and
Ends up Everywhere in the Kitchen. So, some good, some bad, with the cocoa
powder experiment. And by, "That experiment," I mean choosing which
words to capitalize in the previous sentence to that.
I just won 37 dollars on poker and am creeping up to a
point where it might be sustainable again. For a few days I had bottomed
out to a point where losing it all either seemed inevitable, or if I were
responsible, I would be able to cash out just a little bit of profit. So,
sure, I got that going on, I guess. Too bad I can't do anything the
next time I lose a couple of hundred of dollars on poker to make myself feel
better. I already am quitting smoking! What else am I supposed
to do to cosmically save or earn more money. Whatta conundrum. I'll
have to start smoking again just to stop! Meh. It turns out
I've been drinking more calories of low calorie coffee creamer than I thought.
At first I was like, I've only been drinking the suggested serving size of
coffee creamer, thus consuming the amount of calories they specify.
Then I looked closer and thought, oh no! I've been drinking a huge
amount more than the suggested serving size! Then, once more, I
finally realized, Nope-- I've been drinking more than the suggested serving
size-- but not an obscene amount more.
It was a real rollercoaster ride of emotions. But
all in all I feel like I'm a better man now because of it. Experiences
like that can make you or break you as a person. Anyway, what paragraph we
into. 15! How about that crap. I hope Theresa May calls
for one final Brexit Vote in May and pleads to be allowed one more month in
power for it to happen and then the newspaper headline in a month is May
May'd It To May. I don't know a lot about England but I feel like the
set up was close enough to making sense and/or being relevant that the punch
line was earned to some extent. What else is going on. Got some
Omelet to eat for dinner tonight. I don't hate omelets. Hence me
ordering it in order to consume it.
That settles that! Five paragraphs to go, what a world,
what a world. I like playing poker while walking around in a circle in my
room because it changes the rhythm at which I play in a fun way. The other
players have to deal with a little bit more lag, because it takes me a few extra
seconds to circle around to my computer to hit either call, raise,
or fold, but you know what? Fuck them. I don't owe it to them
to let them see more hands in a finite portion of time. I can take my time
and I will take my time! Jeez. I think that actually did affect me
unconsciously. I would be acting quickly for some reason, and that
subconscious reason was if I were playing against me I'd want to be making
quicker decisions to see more hands. And since I'm such a
subconsciously nice person, I extend that courtesy to my opponents. But
Sure I guess. Wha else. I saw New York banned
plastic bags in most cases. First they came for the plastic bags, and I
said nothing. Then they came for the other things the kid in American
Beauty liked to videotape, and I still said nothing. Then they came for
other objects you can use to help you autoerotic asphyxiate yourself, and I
still said nothing. I feel like hoarding plastic bags will become the
new normal. And there's gonna be a big black market of plastic bags in the
seedy underbelly of New York City. It'll be like prohibition, but for
plastic bags. And rival gangs will go to war for control of the plastic
bag game. And other things that come to the verge of being humorous,
especially if they were being explored by someone more clever than I.
What else can I say to pad the length of this bullshit.
Officially over 96 hours without a cigarette! Hah. Whatta great
person I am, totally succeeding at life in every way imaginable.
Yes indeed. Maybe a little too much coffee creamer, but hey, we all have
our Achilles' heel! Achilles had two of 'em! Maybe
only one was defective, I'm not sure, I don't have all the details! Only
about 35-40% of them! Jeez. Figure I can fit in around 2, 2 and a
half hours easily of walking in a circle in my room over te rest of the
day. Which, obviously, doesn't include the half an hour I'll spend walking
outside after dinner. Cause that's outside. Right now we're
calculating Walking In a Circle In My Small Bedroom exercise. Also,
halfway through each session, I change the direction I'm going in!
I've been going counterclockwise for 20 minutes? Fuck That! I'm
gonna walk countercounterclockwise for the next 20 minutes!
That way I exercise all the muscles. One would
imagine walking in one cyclic direction wouldn't be even to all my muscles and
whatnot. Two more paragraphs to go! Whatta joy. Being 4 days
into not having a cigarette, every action I take is supplemented with a thought
in the minor key, will this help or hinder my perceived ability to continue
not smoking. For example, writing this entry. There was some
thought into will writing the entry possibly bring up feelings and instincts
that would encourage me to smoke? Or, is the opposite true?
Writing the entry is just one more life experience while not smoking to
get me a few hours more over the edge and normalize doing these things like
writing an entry without smoking a cigarette.
So far, my instinct has been to just keep doing stuff,
and so far that's worked. Anyway, last paragraph. I don't know what
to tell you. ...Just took a 10 minute break to look at possible cookies to
get from supermarket. So, sure, that's what my life is like,
why not. The point is hey whatta do with the rest of my day other than
walk in a circle. I need to be walking in a circle to something.
Either to TV, or music, or a podcast. Something. Can't
just walk in a circle. The point is the entry is over except for the
fact that I need a few more sentences to end this paragraph so its roughly the
same length as every other paragraph. If its shorter, that will upset
people. But the real point is now its long enough. I'll see